Speedos, Banana Slings, and Fairy Tales

Hugo Chavez, the current dictator in Caracas, Venezuela is moving all of the country’s gold from London back to Venezuela, all 211 tons of it.  He is sure that it will be attached or frozen by some government other than his own, so he is bringing it back to Venezuela.  It most likely will be used to finance his re-election campaign.

That is a lot of gold, but here is some real chump change.  It is reportedly the “largest gold coin” ever minted.  Let’s see you hide this one under the bed.

Los Angeles and several other cities around the country are reporting a new rise in robberies in area’s that deal specifically with gold.  With the price in the near $2K range, it just seems to bring out the worst in people.

In Cherokee country, Georgia for instance, they now require all gold buyers to fingerprint sellers and send their names to the sheriffs office.  Los Angeles police say jewelry-store owners aren’t the only ones who should be worried; they’re also warning members of the public “against flaunting their bling.”

Here in Oklahoma, we do not have this problem, our life savings consisting of a Folgers Coffee Can filled with spare change are well hidden and cleverly disguised, on top of the refrigerator in the kitchen.

A 61 year old beach lifeguard is suing New York state, claiming he was fired for refusing to wear a skin tight Speedo swimsuit.  He worked at Jones Beach for over 40 years before being told he must take his annual test in Speedo.  His answer?  “I wore a speedo when I was in my 20’s.  But come on.  There should be a law prohibiting anyone over the age of 50 from wearing a Speedo.”

Last year we were in Florida, and I could not even go down to the beach.

All the little kids would grab me by my ankles and started yelling to each other …. “Get him in the water before he dies!”  Then there is the matter of tan lines …  but we are not going there … No sir.  I have to agree, keep the banana slings for the younger set.  (Hey, don’t blame me.  WordPress.com says that your page is much, much more interesting with pictures!)

If you are still not convinced … For all you middle-aged-die-hards that want to look better in one of these, we have provided a link for you.  It’s all there … HOW TO LOOK BETTER IN  A SPEEDO … HOW TO INCREASE YOUR BULGE IN A SPEEDO … HOW TO WEAR A SPEEDO … HOW TO FIT INTO A BOY’S SPEEDO .. HOW TO LEARN TO SWIM IN  A SPEEDO AND LAST … SPEEDO ETIQUETTE.  Just click on the photo and make a wish.

(Speaking of making a wish?  Nice blend, yeah I know … Thanks)

Has anyone seen Tinker belle?

A Mexican man has captured what he says is a real-life fairy and preserved it in formaldehyde.  He says he was picking guavas when he saw something he initially thought was a firefly.  When he caught it, he saw an inch-long red-and-yellow humanoid creature, and “I know that it was a fairy godmother.”  (made me wonder if he has seen Elvis or any UFO’s lately?)

He hasn’t explained why it died.

Hundreds of local peasants have lined up to pay him to see preserved fairy in a glass bottle, which some say looks incredibly like a plastic toy.  Good lesson here.  If you catch a fairly, make sure you poke some air-holes in the bottle and do not pick guavas without a suitable head covering, when the sun gets high in the sky.

Here is a classic from the … Please don’t talk to me I am stupid files.

Long Beach, California police arrested a man for taking a photograph of “no aesthetic value.”  The man who takes photos for a local newspaper, was detained after snapping shots of an oil refinery.  Police say photography is considered “suspicious activity” if officers determine that it isn’t “regular tourist behavior.”

And you thought The Patriot Act or Sarah Palin was scary?

Consider this.

Rick Perry has never lost an election in 27 years of holding public office in Texas.  Might pay to remember .. “A politician is a man who will double-cross that bridge when he comes to it.”  When I look at this guy and then I think back to George Wubya, well, it just kind of curls the hair on the back of my neck.

Bar Hopping for dummies 101 ….

A new smartphone app guides drinkers to the closest purveyor of beer, and can be calibrated for favorite brand and cheapest price.  When asked what this app should be called, these were the clear cut winners.

EinStein
Head-hunter
IHops

I’ll drink to that …  Hump Day!  Hang in there wage slaves, you almost have it made.

OOO

Cry Me A River

Middle of the week, kind of snuck up on me again.  Already the sixth of the month, and this one appears to be another “barn burner” and well on its way.  Hold on, grab something, the ride is now underway.

It is now time to talk about everything that is fit to print, or causes fits in print, or whatever.  If you come across something that disturbs you, just hit the button and your problems are solved.

An Indiana woman is suing Carnival Cruise Lines because she got seasick on her vacation.  She alleges that due to the speed of the ship she became very sick.  She insists the sea-sickness was not her fault, saying “the ship was moving so fast that everyone on board became sick, even the workers.”

Uh huh, sure.  That dawg aint gonna hunt as they say in Atlanta.

Have to go to the store and purchase groceries today, don’t look forward to it any more.  The cost of everything has risen so quickly and money doesn’t even slow down when it gets to me.  We always have more month than we have money around here.  This month however, we had an unexpected upturn in funds in the mailbox we are a little flush in the chips, could be time to splurge and treat myself to something nice.

Might swing by Target and get me a cup of caffeine enhanced Starbucks go-go juice.  I sure don’t know what it is that they put in their coffee, but it sure “jump-starts my day” every now and then.  Santa Fe Springs, California, enjoys the world’s highest concentration of Starbucks outlets.  There are 560 Starbucks stores within 25 miles of town.

Just follow the wide-eyed, well tanned, big bosom girls, they can lead you to where the coffee pit stops might be.

Also have to pick up the Lottery Tickets, Wednesday is the day all of us suckers plunk down our hard earned cash to buy into the option (or dream ) of being rich in this country.  I don’t want to be stinkin’ rich … but I wouldn’t mind smelling bad. Only four in ten American millionaires do not feel wealthy, according to a survey of more than 1,000 millionaire households by Fidelity Investments.

To feel wealthy in America, the survey found, millionaires require $7.5 million in invest-able assets.  That is up from $5.6 million a few years back.  The median U.S. household income in 2009, in case anyone is wondering, was $49,777 which is a far cry from $7.5 million.

A craft brewery is suing Michigan’s state liquor board for denying a license to it Raging Bitch beer.  Flying Dog Brewery points out that the board previously approved its Doggie Style and In-Heat Wheat beers, and claims a free speech right for the bitch label.

The commission, however ruled that the name and depiction of an angry female dog on the bottle’s label were detrimental to the “welfare of the general public.”  All of it is kind of silly, I drink Sweet Bitch, which is a wine out of South America, all of the time.  But then again, I don’t live in Michigan (thank gawd for that).

Then again, if you are in trouble or detrimental to the “welfare of the general public.” There is hope on the horizon, all you have to be is “be famous.”  Texas prosecutors offered to let Willie Nelson pay a small fine to settle marijuana possession charges if he agreed to sing   “Blue Eyes Crying in the Rain” in court.  “I am not gonna be mean to Willie Nelson,” said prosecutor Kit Bramblett.

I could sing “Cry Me A River” but I would still have to pay my fine to the bailiff on the way out the door.

You can now start your own Navy, after U.K. Ministry of Defense announced it would take bids on a decommissioned aircraft carrier, the HMS Ark Royal.  Bidders have to outline their “intention regarding the vessel,” which would never fly in America.  We just build ‘em and then turn them loose on the rest of the world.   “Intentions” I guess could be defined as “Foreign Policy” and it quite apparent to anyone around here … We don’t have one.

It has been awhile, anyone remember the now “infamous Weapons Of Mass Destruction” (WMD’s) from the Bush Administration years?  Well, they say if you preach about something long enough, it will eventually come home to haunt you.  This past week, one of Mr. Bush’s chickens came home to roost.

A terror suspect pleaded not guilty to a charge of attempting to build a bomb, which he allegedly considered deploying at the Dallas residence of Former President George W. Bush.  He came to Lubbock Texas on a student visa in 2008 and was arrested in Feb after ordering a suspiciously large shipment of a chemical used to make explosives.  He should have known, this only works for the coyote in Road Runner cartoons, and he always orders from Acme.

By the way, this guy was one of “our friends from Saudi Arabia.”

They do advertise on television “Come to Texas, it is like a whole other country, Y’all.” They appear to be ahead of the rest of us, terror in the Lone Star State is alive and well in Lubbock of all places.  So much for jihad in Texas.

And you thought it was going to be just another Wednesday …..

OOO

ASK A KID III

ARGUMENTS: A woman has the last word in any argument.  Anything a man says after that … is the beginning of a new argument.

Unfortunately here lately, because of things out of my control, my wit and my speech seem to be punctuated by an acerbic tone and a lot of my comments seem to have been over the top at times.  It is now very apparent to me that I need to find some lighter fare and loosen up.

In all reality, there isn’t a whole lot I can do about any of this, other than complain, and even I get sick of that.  So today we will go a different route with the page.  Try this:  A handful of Seven year old children were asked ‘what they thought of beer. Some interesting responses, but the last one has a familiar ring.

Seven year old Tim- ‘I think beer must be good. My dad says the more beer he drinks the prettier my mom gets.’

Seven year old Melanie – ‘ Beer makes my dad sleepy and we get to watch what we want on television when he is asleep, so beer is nice.’

Seven year old Grady – ‘My Mom and Dad both like beer. My Mom gets funny when she drinks it and takes her top off at parties, but Dad doesn’t think this is very funny.’

Seven year old Toby – ‘My Mom and Dad talk funny when they drink beer and the more they drink the more they give kisses to each other, which is a good thing.’

Seven year old Sarah – ‘My Dad gets funny on beer. He is funny. He also wets his pants sometimes, so he shouldn’t have too much.

Seven year old Lilly – ‘My Dad loves beer. The more he drinks, the better he dances. One time he danced right into the pool.’

Seven year old Ethan – ‘I don’t like beer very much. Every time Dad drinks it, he burns the sausages on the barbeque and they taste disgusting.’

Seven year old Shirley – ‘I give Dad’s beer to the Dog and he goes to sleep.’

Seven year old Jack – ‘My Mom drinks beer and she says silly things and picks on my father. Whenever she drinks beer she yells at Dad and tells him to go bury his bone down the street again, but that doesn’t make any sense.’

Learn from Yesterday
Live for Today
Hope for Tomorrow

If you happen across any more of these, send ‘em in and we will share them with everyone.

000

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