Saturday Wowser

I am sitting at the bank, and the banker says to me, “Do you have our new VISA with the photo ID yet?” and I say “No.” So then he says to me, “Why not?” And I reply, “You charge for your VISA and have all these fee’s, I am not into that.”

So then he inquires, “Where is yours located, which was kind of stupid, I mean I am a guy after all?  What kind of question is that?” But we were talking about banking and I missed the point.

So I said, “It is out of Boston or maybe Delaware, I believe, I am not sure, back east.” So he says, “You ought to be doing business in YOUR COMMUNITY and showing some loyalty to the folks who live with you.” So I say, “Okay, they gave me 15.9% annual PCR and no annual fee.” You want 25.5% and $25 per year fee, so why should I do business with you?  You give me the same deal, and I will switch it over.”

Then he smiles and says, “What else can I do for you today Mr. Smith?” and I smile and think “Well for a start you can pucker up and kiss …… Oh well, you know the rest dont’cha?”

By the way, “these folks are on the bail out train too.  My bank is on the list.”

Cover Me I Am Reloading

Awhile back we reported that the Interior Department was fixing to overturn regulation concerning guns in National Parks.  It appears that they have done just that.  Yesterday, the Department of Interior overturned a Reagan-era regulation, permitting loaded firearms at 388 of 391 national park sites. The decision allows guns in parks in “any states with concealed carry laws, not just those that allow guns in their state parks as originally proposed.” While the Department cited safety concerns as a factor, the National Park Conservation Association notes:

According to the FBI’s Uniform Crime Report, there were 1.65 violent crimes per 100,000 national park visitors in 2006-making national parks some of the safest places in the United States. The new regulation could increase the risk for impulse shootings of wildlife, and risk the safety of visitors and rangers.

Despite the potential affect on national park wildlife and resources, the Administration did not conduct an environmental review as required by law. One more just for the fun of it.  The text of the rule notes that earlier, Gov. Sarah Palin (R-AK) wrote to the Interior Dept. supporting the rule change. If you want more, check out ThinkProgress’s updated report on Bush’s 11th hour regulations and rule changes.

Here is some more “bad government for you” we in America don’t have the market cornered on bad politics (although it often seems as if we are the leaders in bad policy) in Britain they have it too.

In Worcester, England, they ordered a man to take down a 3 ft high barbed-wire fence that he had installed to deter the thieves who had broken into his storage building at least three times in the past four months.  According to the Daily Mail, the council said it was feared would be sued by a wounded trespasser.

Which brings up the age old question, “when was it that they changed it where the CRIMINAL has more rights than the VICTIM?”  Please enlighten me if you will?

The terror attacks in India this week certainly were horrible, I sure hope this is not some kind of prophetic new system of religious fanatical attacks and a new wave of terror for the future in our world.  I thought it was especially comforting how the United Nations promptly took charge and blamed Israel for it all.

Count Your Blessings

I know that Thanksgiving is over and all that stuff is behind us now, but if you want a fresh outlook on life, and something to be thankful for, trot over here and read this, it is an eye opener, a good piece of work.

Sign Of The Times

What is this “Office of the President Elect” signage going on?  I sure wish we could get all of this “locked down and in place” it sure looks like someone has a bad case of premature-inauguration to me.”  Barbara Wa-Wa was on last night, and had her top ten people in the entire world you should know show last night on ABC.  Does anyone know if Sarah Palin made the cut?  I was overhauling a ceiling fan and I missed it.

People Unlike Us

OJ got sentenced yesterday, looks like he will be an old codger when he gets out of the slammer, which is okay with most of us.  We tired of him and his act, a long time ago.  Bush is now scheduled on ABC and around the dial to give even more “farewell speeches” in which he denies any culpable knowledge of ever been elected or even visiting Washington DC in the past ten years.

Bush, Cheney and Rumsfield all meet up in Hell.  Cheney looks around and then snarls out of the side of his mouth, “I should have shot two lawyers, this isn’t right.”  Rumsfield said, “I missed the memo on this, I should have paid more attention.”  Bush sulks over in the corner, curled up in a fetal position mumbling …. “It’s not that hot and I am not here, it’s not that hot and I am not here.”

Self Inflicted Wounds

Rosie O’Donnell effectively murdered her career this week on NBC but it was okay, and I understand it “there were NO witnesses to the crime.”  I also understand that Paris Hilton and Paul Rubens are all set to star in a new movie to be released in 2009.

What are they going to call this.

Pee Wee gets an infection?

I read in USA Today that “unhappy people watch more television than happy people.”  Which figures, all the Happy People are over here on the Internet reading Creative Endeavors.

Bad Cop … No Donut.

A Beaumont, Texas police officer has been suspended from the force for crossing the line during an undercover prostitution sting (that is, he actually had sex) and defended himself in an August hearing.  He sated, “It was a job, sir.  I did not have any pleasure in doing it.  It was something that I was doing for the City.”

Yeah, like that dog is gonna hunt, I wouldn’t look for any back pay on this one Sparky.

One more and then “I am outta here!” (there you go Bill)  Police in Covington, Kentucky arrested a 19 year old kid during a suspected drug deal at a local market.  Although several people were booked that night, he was the one wearing the T-Shirt that read, “It’s Not Illegal Unless You Get Caught.”

Have A Good Weekend, see you all on Monday.  Don’t miss Monday for sure, “Ladies Underwear” a real under 500 word eye popper …

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I Can Fix It

This morning, I have been giving a lot of thought to my recently announced plans to run for President (Vote For Me).

Coincidentally, I had an epiphany of sorts when I realized that it is not easy being “The Chief” executive officer of a country.

That kind of came home to roost, early this cool, chilly autumn morning.

Not easy being a leader these days.

I heard a story of an old Indian got appointed to position of Chief in the tribe. One day all the members of the tribe approached him and said: What weather do? The newly initiated Chief told them, “me tell you tomorrow. He then called the U.S. Weather Service and asked the man who answered up, “What weather do?” and he was given the reply, “about the same, maybe a bit cooler.

So the next day, the Chief assembled all the tribe and told them, “Cool weather … cut firewood.”

A few months went by and again, the members of the tribe approached the Chief, and asked, “What weather do? The Chief says to them, “I tell tomorrow.” Again he calls the U.S. Weather Service and asks the guy, “What weather do? The man answering the phone says, “about the same, a little cooler possibly next week.”

The Chief tells the Indians, “Cut more firewood.

Once again, the members of the tribe form a group and asked the Chief, “What weather do?” and as always, “I tell tomorrow.

He (the chief) gets on the horn and calls the U.S. Weather Service and says, “What weather do?” and the guy on the other end of the phone sez ……… “Man, it must be going to get really cold, these Indians around here are cutting firewood like you would not believe!

Here lately I have been reading a lot of this “the world is gonna end” tripe just about everywhere I look on the net. Which is ridiculous for a number of reasons. One, if you are an American that the chances of you owing a LOT OF MONEY are fairly good, and they are not going to allow you to die, you owe too much money. Second, I got a new Fiest Telephone Book recently, and they would not have put that out if the world was going to end.

So you can relax, stop all these foolish plans.

Such as storing up gasoline, kerosene, diesel, lighter fluid, oatmeal, potato chips, Doritos, green beans (no liver & onions please!), barbeque starter fluid, water (non tap water), soap, jell-o, Twinkies (these things will last over six years even when exposed to the elements), cheerios, chocolate-almond-kisses, tootsie rolls, candles, razor blades and last but not least …. Ammo.

Here is what is really sad … read that again … not one mention of clean underwear in there anywhere.

Seriously I have been making plans for after the inaugural in January. The absolute first thing that I have decided to do in my administration is get rid of voice mail. Anyone who has a voice mail machine, will either be fined or sent to prison without the benefit of parole. Especially the ones that play this sick elevator musak.

Personally I don’t really mind holding the line; I have learned to accept that. It is the God awful, punch this button for this, and punch this button for that, and if you are a member of the human race, please punch … you get the drift? I am weary of the game. While I am at it, I will re-instate the death penalty for all these people that garble out their telephone numbers on the machine so fast that you have to play it at least three times, in order to get the number.

After this last go around with the friendly folks at AOL I have decided to start a campaign that will stop people from using the phrase “Information Highway.” This new method of describing communication in America and the rest of the world has to cease. If most of these people had truly been on the “Information Highway” they would have been road kill for the last westbound Roadway Trucker headed out to the shaky-side (Los Angeles, California).

They would not have made it past the Honey Store at exit 100 near the state-line.

Moving swiftly along … As president I shall remove from television all of these shows such as Hard Copy, Current Affair, the Six O’clock news, and all these television shows that honor or celebrate crime. Also to hit the dust will be any type of Reality Programming, my idea of entertainment is not watching the bottom of the gene pool, sitting around cussing each other out, and acting like the ill-bred crack babies they are.

If you are a parent “and your four year old is running your life” you do not need a Nanny, all you need is a bathroom and a COLD SHOWER, a couple of those and he/she will get the message.

Effective immediately, a limit on the number of murders the affiliates will be allowed to show during the evening meal. (and you wonder why the folks in Europe don’t want to visit us?) There should be a cap on stories dealing with rape and other forms of violence that we have become so accustomed to.

I am tired of it, as your New President, I will put a stop to it.

There should also be a ban on hardened criminals appearing on so-called Talk Shows, and/or writing books about their crimes for self enrichment. This includes the police officers (crooked cops) who appear with paper bags on heir heads, when confessing their collective crimes to Geraldo.

We will instead, provide them with some kind of pamphlet (printed up at government expense of course) that explains that selling drugs, stealing dirty money, and beating up innocent citizens is not what they have been hired to do. Maybe they do not understand how things work in our society.

It should be an interesting year after I am sworn in, first thing we will have to do is fetch some more zero’s for our federal deficit, most everything else will stay the same. The politicians will lie about their bank accounts and diaries, continue to say just about anything to get them elected (or re-elected as the case may be). Wall Street firms involved in shady insider deals and lobbyists will still have their fingers crossed while profusely maintaining the innocence of their clients.

Some irritants will still abound in the new era. Unfortunately, that is the way the system works, you can only change so much of it. The rest of it …. Well y’know … Dontcha?

We should make some inroads, might even clean up some of the things mentioned here. Having seen nothing to convince me otherwise, I believe it is safe to announce … THE WORLD IS NOT GOING TO END AS EXPECTED … Despite what you read at the checkout stand in the little rag’s they sell there. Despite what the blog community seems to be pre-occupied with.

Just aint gonna happen …… Chill out dudes.

And remember … Vote for me.

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