Another Ordinary Day

Goober died over the weekend.  Every time I think of him and his impassioned Cary Grant impersonation (Judy-Judy-Judy-Judy-Judy), or the time Opie put a transmitter under the collar of a dog, and he thought the animal could talk.  The crazy Hillbilly-Yahoo Army Officer on Mash.

I have to smile.

As a baby boomer, I am quickly reaching that point in my life, where I am attending more funerals than I am weddings.  Death is the only thing in this world that never takes a holiday … George will certainly be missed.

Al Qaida rejects … Now this one is a hoot.  Five suspected in Ohio bombing attempt plead not guilty, even as their van explodes in the parking lot! The FBI recently ran a sting operation in Cleveland, Ohio and has arrested five nimrods who were plotting to blow up a bridge on the Interstate Highway System.  They are affectionately known as the “Cleveland Five.”  Here is the information on it, they were also said to be part of the “occupy Cleveland rally.”  Now here is my question, how stupid do you have to be in order to buy $900 worth of inert explosives from the FBI?

And now for question number two:


We used to MARCH on these places and then protest, now we OCCUPY THEM which to me, a person who is his perfect weight if he were seven feet tall, tends to suggest we are as overweight and obese as Federal Standards imply.  When complete strangers rub your belly for luck at the Mongolian Palace … well it might be time to go on a diet. 

Whadya think?

Mexican Beauty clear cut winner in Presidential Debate …  Who won Mexico’s first presidential debate? According to the media and Twitter frenzy, at least, the victor wasn’t any candidate but a curvaceous model in a tight gown who puzzled millions by appearing on stage for less than 30 seconds during the showdown.  All we get is Newt and the other Bozo’s.

Now if you don’t think that is bad … well the news is good and then it is bad.  Women’s breasts are now bigger and better, such a important part of life we give them off color names and descriptions.  But breast cancer is on the rise, and you can read about it here.

What is not to like? … Simon Cowell of American Idol fame has a new book out, “I can’t stand Jay-Lo.”  Man-Man, hold the presses, until I can get to Borders or for a copy of that!  Maybe he has a secret crush for Ryan Seacrest, anywho it is out in print now, should be a major yawner for sure.  Personally I like Jay-Lo that baby got back!

EEEEEEEEeeeeewew  …. Over the weekend, Chinese Infant Flesh Capsules were seized.  Now that is just plumb nasty sounding … Do you know what the name of the first Chinese Test Tube baby was?

It was a boy. 

“No Fun Son.”

In the spirit of the gang at Mayberry …  Nip it in the bud!  This is so bad, I am not going to comment, just going to give you the link and you be the judge.

See you at the water cooler …



Friday Mile Marker

Today we should celebrate 1 million visitors to this site, in a little over ten months time.  What an accomplishment guys, thanks for your support.  I don’t think there is a blog out there that can lay claim to something like that.  It is simply incredible, and you guys helped make it happen.

Thanks a lot.

Friday already, where did the week go?  Just seems like it was the other day and it was Monday and now here I find myself, end of the week.  So what do we talk about?  Lottery sales in the USA are up, as the economy progressively erodes and times get bad, it appears that people are turning to the lottery as the possible solution to their problems.

Bad move.

Taking what precious few dollars they have left over and playing the lottery in the hope of winning instant deliverance from their economic woes isn’t going to cut it.

42 states are now reporting that lottery sales are on the increase and several states are considering another method of collecting revenue by starting up their own lottery games.  The lottery is nothing but a tax on people who are very bad at math.  Records are being set nationwide, a bad indicator of our dire predicament.  Take a moment here to day dream — What would you do with all that money?

Yeah I know, I will get some mail on that one.

I am reading where the government is going to try and buy back my old hoopie and that the cost is going to be roughly $5 billion per year for this program.  It is called the Old Clunker Program.  What amazes me is how we routinely look at “billions of dollars” as commonplace numbers.

Remember the old days, when it was just “millions?”  I can recall when that would be considered a WHOLE LOT OF MONEY but when you put it up against all this other crap, it just appears to be insignificant pocket change now.

Here is some more good news, talk about biting the hand that feeds you?

Detroit is now coming back for another pound of flesh, they want to raise the gasoline taxes in order to get the price of fuel up, to force you to buy one of their dinky marginally effective fuel stingy cars.  Nothing like spiking artificial demand for your product.  You can read more about it here.

Mesa Arizona – The city utilities department hired goats to clear weeds and brush from the slopes at its water treatment and reclamation plant. The 80 animals are under a six-month contract. Using machines is difficult at the site, and the goats are expected to do a better job in a more environmentally responsible way.  Finally someone with some sense emerges from the dust and chaos of 2008.

This is government that is progressive and a step in the right direction.

Another piece of news out of Phoenix – A group of lawmakers want to ban the use of speed enforcement cameras on state highways. The main sponsor, Republican Rep. Sam Crump, said the cameras are unfair and intrusive. Passage of the proposed law would shut down a program under which a contractor has already installed 69 of 100 planned cameras.  Personally I am all for this, you see, I got bagged by an airplane and a camera and it cost me about $175.

It was in Colorado and the cop when he asked me to sign the ticket said, “Doesn’t this bother you, this is pretty expensive.” I just smiled and said, “Nah, you ought to see what I got away with!”

(Why whine and cry about it, you are caught, right?)

In order to keep the peace and tranquility of my marriage I am often required to watch television that I do not support or agree with.  Such is the case of American Idol, twice this week I have been asked to sit and watch this spectacle of absurdity on Channel 25.  A lot of it sounds like a Basset Hound standing on his own ears and howling in the backyard to me.  I got nailed for two episodes of it this week.

And I thought Dancing With The Stars was bad?

One last note and then I will leave you to your day.  Austin Texas – The company that owns the TV show American Idol sued in federal court to stop a weekly Stripper Idol
contest at Palazio Men’s Club here. FremantleMedia North America also wants to seize Palazio’s profits from the event for amateurs. Palazio managers said they don’t plan to end the stripping contest because it bears no resemblance to the TV show.  Now being a man (as we all know who are basically pigs), I would gladly show up for a few episodes of this.

Sign me up!

I am now off to the doctors office.  It is that time again.  Same old routine.  The nurse starts with the basics.  “How much do you weigh?'” she asks. “200+,” I say.  The nurse puts me on the scale. It turns out my weight is 201.

The nurse asks, “Your height?”“5 foot 9”, I say. The nurse checks and sees that I only measures 5′ 8″.

She then takes my blood pressure and tells me it is very high.

“Of course it’s high!” I scream, “I have been forced to watch two episodes of American Idol this week and when I came in here I was tall and slender! Now I’m short and fat!

She put me on Prozac.


Chilled Out


Here is one that I evidently forgot to post, so in the Spirit of Christmas ………

Freezing cold here, if you are somewhere with “bone chilling cold” stare deep into the above picture, click your heels together three times …. Oh, hahahahaha.  What a sick puppy I seem to be early in the morn.

This morning I once again awoke to “pressing serious issues.”  Such as:  Is Paula Abdul going to be back for another year of American Idol?  And the answer is yes!   Which should relieve the fears and anxiety of about five Americans all total.

The rumors of her leaving are not true, they say she will be with the show until it’s eventual end which should be in 2012 when the Mayan Calendar runs out.  Kelly Clarkson another Idol graduate, has a new CD coming out, the title cut, “My life sucks without you.”

Now isn’t that special?  If she will cut one for George Bush that says, “How Can I Miss You If You Won’t Go Away?” I will be down there today, cash in hand to purchase it.

Here is a good read for a cold day.

The Urban Hermit (St. Martin’s Press, $24.95), Sam MacDonald, 36, reveals how he paid off $15,000 in debt, stopped boozing and lost 160 pounds.   How about a life of only consuming 800 calories a day – not exactly overdoing it in the snack department.  It’s not something people should do. They could get hurt. I believe that was the quote.  And I could have lost just as much weight on 1,600 calories a day. I had to cut everything out because give me an inch and I’ll take a case of beers.

Explaining what drove him to become an “urban hermit”?  Bills. They were driving him insane.  Don’t think you have the Lone Ranger Syndrome on that one Sam.

So how does a guy who had great parents and a wonderful education. (He graduated from Yale in 1995.) find himself living on the ragged edge of life.  When your life goes screwy, I guess there is a tendency to want to explain it.

Which brings me to this, how come I am not selling something at $24.95 at Barnes & Nobles or jumping on Oprah’s couch.  Now here is one that is really sad, “you take an extended holiday, so you ask a friend to write your blog while you are gone.  No problem, except one, “the blog actually gets better with the guest host while you are away.”  Now “that” is sad eh?

Oh well, drink a Coke and have a smile.  Anyone seen the new Coke bottles they introduced over the holidays?  Pretty cool. I can no longer drink Coke, as I am diabetic, but I bought a couple of bottles to photograph just for you … because you are sooooooo special.

dsc00183Did you know that 63% of all shopping mall Santa’s have a college degree and 29% of them are fluent in sign language.  Yeppers, it is true.  It has to be, I read it on the internet.

Here is something else that is Christmas related.  The #1 googled item on Google Christmas morning …. IHOP … International House Of Pancakes, seems no one was cooking breakfast on Christmas morning, everyone was going to IHOP, I have forgotten how many millions of hits they got, but it was considerable.

Man, I just love stooooopid criminals!

Los Angeles – A graffiti artist who posted incriminating videos of himself on YouTube has pleaded guilty to felony vandalism. CyrusYazdani, 25, was recorded spraying his moniker “Buket” on buses, bridges and overpasses. He pleaded guilty to 32 counts of vandalism and was sentenced to 314 days in county jail, 256 hours of graffiti removal and five years of probation.

Talk about a traumatic youthful experience.

Columbia South Carolina – Police said two robbers shoved an 8-year-old inside his home at gunpoint and stole his Christmas presents. The boy’s mother said the men grabbed her son as he walked to his bus stop, pushed him inside their home and took his PlayStation and four games. She said they also took her wallet and cellphone, her uncle’s wallet and a pair of pants.

All the news is not bad, there is a ray of hope in all of this.

Joplin Missouri – An anonymous donor dropped five cashier’s checks for $10,000 each into Salvation Army kettles at two Wal-Mart stores. It’s the fifth straight year someone has given $50,000 to the Salvation Army without taking credit. The remitter identified the giver as “Santa Claus.” Capt. Jason Poff called the contributions “tremendous” in light of the economic downturn.

Say what you want, but it appears that Arizona is truly a fun place to live.

Tempe – A group of Santa impersonators are on the naughty list of law enforcement officials. A YouTube video shows four people dressed as Kris Kringle, white beards and red hats included, covering speed and red light enforcement cameras with boxes and decorating them with Christmas wrap.

At the end of the video is the message: “Ho, ho, ho! Death to the surveillance state! Free movement for all people!”

If and when I ever decide to move from OKC, I am heading for Arizona.


Some Parts May be Missing

<><><> Romance South Of The Border <><><>

After the wedding of the world’s heaviest man, Mexican Maneuel Uribe, who has slimmed down to 683 pounds (down from 1244 lbs) attended his ceremony in a custom-made bed and passed up on the cake.  “He didn’t break his diet” said his mother.  Man, that is something.  You lose 561 lbs, about the equivalent of three men and you are still morbidly obese.  Whew?  Only a mother could love that.

<><><> Good News –  Bad News in the Land of Enchantment <><><>

Now I like this …… A New Mexico newspaper, a bi-monthly rag, printed its Oct 26th-Nov 8th issue with a clear headline that read:  “OBAMA WINS!”  The New Mexico Sun News urged readers however “to get out and vote, even though we spoiled the ending for you.”  How about that, a newspaper that actually cares.

<><><> The number you have dialed is really disconnected <><><>

An Oregon teenager said she didn’t see the police officer trying to pull her over for driving 107 mph because she was too busy talking on her cellphone.  When asked why she was driving so insanely fast, the pert little teen replied, “It is more fun than a barrel of monkeys.”  But when you are 16-18 the world is a fun place, later on in life, you get into politics, paying taxes and voting and you eventually find out what a barrel of monkeys smells like and it all changes.

A police officer stops a blond for speeding and asks her very nicely if  he could see her license.  She replies in a huff, ‘I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!’

<><><> Our loser of the week to sing ONE MORE time for you <><><>

American Idol fans mark your calendar, I am reading in the paper that the show returns for a positive eight season, where does the time go?  It seems just like yesterday I saw some freak with orange hair, warbling I got Rhythms in my living room and making our dog stretch real hard and yowl at the ceiling!  Eight years, and don’t forget, that simply marvelous Bryan Seacrest will be back, mmmmmmmmmm, yummy! Check your local listings.

<><><> Shop Till You Drop <><><>

Heather Mills has already spent more than $15 million of her settlement from divorcing Paul McCartney in seven months says the London Sun.  Mills, who was awarded around $37 million, spent the money on an apratment in New York, renovations on existing homes, an outdoor swimming pool.

Then there was the matter of salary for her staff, and donation of $1 million in vegetarian food to homeless children.  I suppose she will just fart the rest of it off in the future.  Kind of like that guy who won the lottery in Chicago.  After winning this incredibly huge payout, they asked him what he planned to do with it.

He thought about it for a moment or two and then said …. “I think I will spend it on wine, women and song!  The rest of it I will just probably blow.”

Easy come … Easy Go I guess.


Rated “E”

This post is rated “E” for entertaining.  No, educational, uh, erratic.  THIS POST IS FOR EVERYONE … Whew?  Sure glad we got that out of the way.

Oh well, it is Tuesday, and as with all Tuesday’s I have my problems.  Much like a child in grammar school, I am never prepared for the lesson on Tuesday, I am geared up for recess instead.

Most of my days, were spent in desperate contemplation of the hour in Gym class and a considerable amount of time was devoted to “the fine art of pencil sharpening and the observation of the world’ just outside the window.  I excelled in that, but unfortunately, I found out later in life, not much demand for it in the marketplace.

I used to really get into recess, which should not come as any big surprise to anyone that is a regular reader of this page.

You cannot always effectively plan for the future, especially when you are young.  I remember when released from the U.S. Military, they told me that “I could use the skills that were taught to me in the service” in my civilian occupation.  So when I found out that American Airlines wasn’t hiring any tail gunners …. I went to work for the Railroad.

This is what happens to you when you major in recess, remember this.

USA Today is reporting that stress levels are up nationwide and surprisingly, the most affected, are not adults.  The highest stress levels in the past six months have been reported by the 18-24 crowd at 64% coming in second is the 24-34 bunch 55%, 35-44 at 47%, 45-54 at close behind, 46%.  The old geezers like myself, we are just laid back and cooling it, only 37% of them reported stress.

Which is reasonable, when you stop to think about it.  We moved all “those hard to live with people out of the house” years ago.  And we are not forced to watch “Dancin’ With The Stars” three nights a week.  Did you know that more American’s voted for the winner of American Idol than voted for Bush in the last election?  True.

Might be a good day to talk about that “three ring circus” (the great American Dog & Pony Show) in the Nation’s Capitol, but to tell you the truth, I am really tired of it.  So much like T.Boone Pickens latest book (The First Billion is the hardest – Crown Business, 260 pages, $26.95) I am going to take a pass.  Having the lowest stress levels in the above group did not “just naturally occur.”  Often you have to work at it.

Good and Bad News:

Phoenix, Arizona has told home builders there that they are to install water collection systems on new homes and that they are going to collect rainwater from these systems for the watering of plants and outside shrubs.  Which is a good idea and a bad idea.  It is good to be geared up to “green thinking” and all that, it is bad, because as anyone knows.  Phoenix is in the Sonoran Desert portion of the American Southwest and generally speaking …. It doesn’t rain there much, if at all.

Biting the hand that feeds them.

Hard to believe, but like beggar’s with outstretched hands the U.S. Auto companies are trying to entice the public to purchase a new car.  Only thing is, “they are going about it in the wrong manner or fashion” if you ask me.  Now they are telling us that in order to buy a new car, we need to bring MORE cash and a larger down payment is going to be required of us.

Tighter credit standards are forcing many car buyers to put up more cash in order to qualify for a loan.  The average down payment last month was $3,108.00 which is up 42% from the same time last year ($2,194.00).  It is like some kind of shark feeding frenzy on the American consumer these days.  General Motors wants to buy Chrysler and of course, they are lining up at the Federal trough to see if they can get some creative financing in the Great American Give-Away currently enjoying a nice run in Washington DC these days.

These dumb-bells ought to take a lesson from U.S. Oil, we stopped buying their products, and we effectively proved to them that we can do without oil based-products and we can do without these new cars too.

Eat Your Oil

OPEC (namely Venezuela and Iran) are crying the blues, they are now saying that they are cutting back on spending and projects in their respective countries because of the low demand for oil.  It seems that their profits are down some fifty percent and they are experiencing a hardship.  Now everyone …. All together now … One big collective sigh for our poor energy rich oil partners. Now didn’t that feel just swell boys & girls.  Actually that is a misnomer, we (America) get most of our foreign oil from places other than Venezuela and Iran.

Canada and Mexico for instance, are big suppliers to the U.S. and it is not $700 billion as previously reported but rather around $230 billion per year, big difference.

Anchor’s Aweigh

Not to be deterred, the Boys in Dubai went shopping this week, the oil rich energy czars bought the Queen Mary II and she is going to sail to Dubai on her last voyage.  After four decades of plying the oceans of the world she is being retired and will be converted into a five-star hotel in Dubai, the flashy Arab resort Center of the Middle East (United Arab Emirates).

This leaves the sister ship with the same name still plying the oceans for a little while longer, with peak oil, there will come a time in the not so distant future, when all of them are parked and converted.

“Uh, maybe the Woodpeckers were not a good idea?”

Everything I need to know about life, I learned from Noah’s Ark . One: Don’t miss the boat. Two: Remember that we are all in the same boat. Three: Plan ahead. It wasn’t raining when Noah built the Ark. Four: Stay fit. When you’re 600 years old, someone may ask you to do something really big. Five: Don’t listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be done. Six: Build your future on high ground. Seven: For safety sake, travel in pairs. Eight: Speed isn’t always an advantage. The snails were on board with the cheetahs. Nine: When you’re stressed, float awhile. Ten: Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic by professionals.

No matter the storm, when you are with God, there’s always a rainbow waiting.

Now, wasn’t that nice? Pass it along this Tuesday, tell all your friends, and make someone else smile, too


Your Pop-Ups Are Ready

Now this one is a hoot!  I am downloading some stuff, and it recommends that I drop my pop up blocker in order to complete the process.  Seems reasonable to me, so I drop it.  Then it says I need to reboot after loading this stuff.  

Again, seems reasonable.  I re-boot, the pop off blocker is off, yup, you guessed it.  Here they came like a pack of rabid dogs!  Before it was over, I had “forty-six” ##!##!@!**!! pop-ups on my screen.  “Life is getting up one more time than you’ve been knocked down.”  John Wayne the duke, said that. 

And I thought it was going to be a slow week?

Officials in Lo Prado, Chile, a working-class suburb of Santiago, have begun handing out free Viagra to senior residents.  About 1,500 men are eligible for the program, which will cost about $20,000 per year and will run thru the end of the year.  The mayor said, “An active sexuality improves the overall quality of life.”  Which makes sense to me, and means nothing to Cup Cake (my beloved), I showed her the article and she just growled.

Participants are required to provide a doctor’s certification that states that they are healthy and are able to take the drug.  Other mayors in the Santiago area are planning similar programs.  I called our mayor’s office and inquired about it, they said that they were aware of the problem and already had a new Viagra for women, it was called “Money.”

More South American news.  Lo-Jac for the departed.  A cementary in Santiago, Chile, is offering its clients coffins with a sensor that detect any movement insde after they have been buried.  “We want to be pioneers and avoid catalepsy cases, in which a person gets completely paralyzed for a few hours and ends up buried as if they were dead.  We want families to rest assured that if a case this this every happens, their loved ones will be immediately rescued.” 

I am not making this up 

Isnt’ technology wonderful boys & girls … For a few bucks more, you can insure no one is trying to phone home from six feet down.  This is one reason I requested that my family bury me at least 8 to 10 ft.  So in the end, they can say “Old Don, deep down, was a pretty nice guy.”

No good huh?  Well whadya expect for free.  Chile and South America in general, seem to have a problem with this kind of thing happening.  You can find other related at: 

Tom Cruise has sent his wife, Katie, for a much higher level of Scientology training.  She recently expressed a desire to go to New York without Tom and apparently he wasn’t too happy about it.  So now Katie will be subjected to intensive auditing sessions that sometimes last for as long as 36 hours or more.” 

Maybe he came home and found her jumping on the couch or something?

AT&T …. “Thank you for your business.  We have received your equipment rebate form.  Attached is your rebate in the form of an ATT &T promotion Visa card.  Your card is preloaded with funds ….. Blah, blah, yadda-yadda.”

I asked for a “rebate” I didn’t ask for no ___ card. 

Now here is MY reply in the form of a terse message …… “Kiss the Part of me that goes over the fence last.”  I didn’t ask for a Visa card, I asked for a rebate.  Here is a novel idea.  How about just charging a lower price for the phones, or cutting the consumer a check on the rebate? 

Last I heard, this site was reaching about 100,000 people per day, and now all of them know what lousy business you do, and of course, “I am going to tell everyone I meet, not to do business with you.”  What a bunch of jerks.

Busted some folks in San Diego, 75 of them went to the slammer who were students at San Diego State University (Higher Learning?) and 21 others who happened to be just dropping by I suppose.  Get this.  One of them was working toward a master’s degree in Home-Land Security … A smoker and a toker, he ought to just about fit in.

American Idol is down to just two contestants, which is a break for all us guy’s out there who are required to “give up our remote controls for a period of an hour or more.”  According to some magazines, Ryan Seacrest is said to be unhappy because of the declining ratings of American Idol. He was seen smiling again though, when he heard of the Subway offer of $5 for a foot long.  Randy is dogged about it, Paula and Simon just cannot seem to make up their mind.  Oh well, Boston Legal was good lastnight, but they are taking the character parts and plots too far. 

(Please insert favorite Lawyer joke here … Hi Jack!)

Fox is premiering a new TV show in which wealthy people go undercover in impoverished neighborhoods. Apparently, the show is based on the recent elections. Reflecting hard economic times, fewer of the 18.9 million Latino’s in the U.S. are sending money home to their families.  There goes your $36 billion dollar second-economy boys, tell me, “How’s that working for ya?”  Only half send any kind of stipend home now compared to 73 percent just two years ago.

If we want to stop them at the border, perhaps we just post our recent “economic statistic’s on a sign written in Spanish at popular entry points that would discourage illegal colonization for sure.”  American employers seem to have finally figured it out.  Investing a couple of bucks to keep our workers healthy and happy beats paying for them when they are out and sick.  That is option #1, unfortunately they went for the other … Option #2 …

They discovered that outsourcing their jobs to other countries, works even better.

The corn required to make the 7.6 billion gallons of ethanol that are projected to be produced this year would cover an area the size of Maryland, Connecticut, New Jersey and Washington D.C..  I don’t know why, but the vision of Washington D.C. covered with rotting corn, in the hot sun, flies, well, that just kind of appeals to me.

In other related political news. 

In a recent survey, thirty-nine percent of Americans say they’d be uncomfortable with a president first taking office at age 72; sixteen percent, uncomfortable with a woman taking office; and twelve percent, with an African American taking office.

Good luck if you are an old, African American woman.


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