Wang Chung … 

imgres-25Michael Chin is flying home for his 25th high-school reunion, it has been a long time since he left his native land for a new life in the Silicon Valley.  He is looking forward to seeing one or two of his old flames, his school buddies, looking forward in anticipation of making new connections.

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Fly The Friendly Skies …

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Man-man, here it is the first of a brand new month, time for more verbal intercourse with the whore of the Internet.  Another indictment of public education from the Blond headed kid who sat in the back of the room, writing YOUR NAME on his notebook and you never even noticed.

So, what should we discuss this day? Good News – Bad News – Is “Double Jeopardy” really all that noteworthy?  

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This holiday season give the gift that keeps giving.

If you were one of million of people planning on flying home today so you could return to work … Most likely is not gonna happen as more than 3,000 flights were cancelled or have been delayed across the U.S.

There will be a short delay …
The Captain will make an announcement soon
In case of an emergency water landing your seat will turn into a floatation device
Uh huh, yeah sure.

A man was shot in L.A. this weekend after wielding a steak knife at an officer
Small child was gunned down after pointing a toy gun at a cop
I got a ticket for “No Seatbelt” which is stoopid, I had the belt, I just wasn’t wearing it.
Cover me … I am gonna change lanes.

Brown Thursday … Black Friday … And now Cyber Monday.
Stop the world I want off.

Jus Sayin

Negative Ruminations

imgresFor the first time in something like 200 years, a Pope is resigning and throwing in the towel.  Two books on the subject say that “the internal politic’s of the church” are the main culprit and that the stress and strain of dealing with it on a daily basis is why the Head Man In Charge is stepping down. 

Too many cooks will often spoil the soup, is what my Mama used to say, and it appears that all this negative influence has pulled the man down.  Details can be found here.

This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade. So remember this the next time someone who knows nothing and cares less tries to make your life miserable.

There was a woman who was at her hairdresser’s getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.  She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:  “Rome?  Why would anyone want to go there? It’s crowded and dirty. You’re crazy to go to Rome.  So, how are you getting there?” 

“We’re taking Continental,” was the reply. “We got a great rate!” 

“Continental?” exclaimed the hairdresser. “That’s a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they’re always late.  So, where are you staying in Rome?”

“We’ll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome ‘s Tiber River called Teste.”  The hairdresser responded: “Don’t go any further. I know that place.  Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it’s really a dump.”

Not to be deterred the woman getting her hair done responded:  “We’re going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope.”

“That’s rich,” laughed the hairdresser. “You and a million other people trying to see him.  He’ll look the size of an ant.  Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You’re going to need it.” 

A month later, the woman again came in for a touchup on her hairdo.

The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.  “It was wonderful,” explained the woman, “not only were we on time in one of Continental’s brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.  And the hotel was great! They’d just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it’s a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner’s suite at no extra charge!” 

“Well,” muttered the hairdresser, “that’s all well and good, but I know you didn’t get to see the Pope.”   

“Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I’d be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.  Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me..”   

“Oh, really!  What’d he say?” the hairdresser asked.  The woman getting her hair done replied … He said: “Who ****** up your hair?”

Uh, no good huh?  Well whadya expect for free?

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Try this one on for size.

A) The number of physicians in the U.S. is 700,000.  (B) Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year are 120,000.  (C) Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171  Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept. of Health and Human Services.

Now please consider this: (A) The number of gun owners in the U.S. is estimated to be 80,000,000.  (Yes, that’s 80 million)  (B) The number of accidental gun deaths per year, all age groups, is 1,500.  (C) The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is .0000188  Statistics courtesy of FBI

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So, statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.  Remember that …  “Guns don’t kill people, doctors do.”

So here is the bottom line, where the rubber meets the road:

Not everyone has a gun … But … Almost everyone has at least one doctor.

This means you are over 9,000 times more likely to be killed by a doctor as by a gun owner.  Please alert your friends to this alarming threat.  We must ban doctors before this gets completely out of hand! *

OOO

*Out of concern for the public at large, we withheld the statistics on lawyers for fear the shock would cause people to panic and seek medical attention … (sorry Larry)

More Not Fresh Pressed Baloney

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REACH OUT AND BUG SOMEONE:  Went to the telephone store yesterday.  I look at the kid and say, “My telephone bill is five dollars high this month, can you tell me what is going on?” he says, “Let me see your bill.”  I say to him, “they don’t send me a bill, they do it all electronically.”

So we walk over to the computer and I give him all of my identification and the name of my first born male child, we are off and running. He says to me “Here it is.  You had 12 photographs at .50 cent each.”

Now as our kid is really proud of his kids, and sends pictures of the youngest standing next to a trash can all of the time.  Some months ago, I had this feature disabled on my phone (along with text messaging at the same time) or at least I thought I had this covered.  I am not supposed to get photo’s or text, I am just supposed to get telephone calls for new storm windows, carports, septic tank pumping, miracle weight loss cures, stuff like that.

I tell him this, the nice kid, who still has lipstick on his cheek where his mother kissed him good-bye this morning. 

He offers me nothing.  So I say to him, “I never got any pictures, this has to be a mistake.”  He says, “Let me see your phone” and he looks for the pictures that I received that are clearly not there, and this shrugs his shoulders and says, “Must be some kind of glitch.” He removes the charge and gives me a credit, which doesn’t really put anything back in my bank account, so we may or may not be done with this issue, I am not sure.

I then ask him, “How about these junk telephone calls, am I being charged for them?” and he says, “No.”  I ask him, “so I am not charged for them even if they leave a message on my voice mail?”  He says, “Oh that is different.  If you open your voice mail and listen to the message, then you are charged for the call.”

Hmmmmm, “this means, that I am damned if I do and damned if I don’t, wouldn’t you say?”

He smiles, and says … “Yes sir.  That is about it.”  Nice kid, most likely will be some kind of politician one of these days.

FLY THE FRIENDLY SKIES:  I live in what they call a “Fly Over State” and see a lot of aircraft in the sky.  Have you ever wondered how many airliner’s are flying above this country at any one given time?  The numbers are clearly amazing, it would astound you.  I often look up at see the contrails in the sky and wonder where it is they are going and why so many of them are up there.  Here is a link, you can check it out for yourself.

The technology of this site amazes me.  Lot of interesting data can be found.  I clicked on one that said it was Air Force One and I found a shot of Mr. Obama’s aircraft on its first pass over Texas, you can see it here.

EIGHTY-NINE CENT PIE:  We are at the Root N Scoot, I have to buy my lottery tickets for the game on Tuesday.  I don’t want to be stinkin’ rich … but I would not mind smelling bad.  Anyway, this gal, all decked out to the nines in jewelry and stuff, bling-bling (I don’t know if it is real or fake, but it looks nice) walks up to the counter, lays down a .89 cent pastry.  No big thing, right?  Then she pulls out a credit card and pays for the pastry with the card.  Now here is the rub, she walks outside and get into a Lexus SUV.  What is wrong with this picture Boys n Girls?  Sort of like this thing one of our readers sent to me this week:  

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This is kind of hard to read, here is what it says:  “A woman said she noticed her purse missing from her car just before 5P.M. Sunday. The car was parked at her residence on Hornet Drive.  The woman said the car had been locked, and her purse was in the back seat.  the purse was valued at $400, the wallet was valued at $200, and cash in the purse was reported to be $800.  Also missing were the woman’s Food Stamp Cards.”

Kind of brings a tear to your eyes, doesn’t it.

ALL TANKED UP:  Subject: New gasoline coming to your gas station. Folks pay real good attention to this one.  Those friendly folks at the EPA (which stands for Exxon Prostitutes, whores and a**holes) all those unelected buddies, we have in the government have come up with a new wrinkle to get you out of your car.  Watch this video about E15 gas if you have a car older than 2012.  There is a link to the story on Fox News, but if you go to that link, surprisingly the video and information is “missing.”  Hmmmmmm?  Over on Utube you can find it all.

This move by the oil companies and the government together is in your best interests.  You see as we all slowly digress to a nation that produces nothing but debt, if we do not have an ample supply of doctored up gasoline (which insures our sucking off the petroleum tit for the next 100 years easily) we will not be able to deliver pizza’s to each other and get them to the house while they are still warm.

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Is this statuetory rape?  Or is it just a moosedemeanor?  

(Stop laughing! This is serious.)

Now I am off to the tireshop.  They put four new tires on my car last month to the tune of almost $700 and the right-front will not hold air for some reason.  I just can hear it now … “Have you been running your car with the ignition turned on?  This could affect the outcome of your final billing Mr. Smith.”

OOO

Who’s On First?

“What you think is your business, but I truly believe that God is in the mix, you will notice that Hillary was out of the country during the Democratic Convention, so that shows you he (God) is marked up and on the job.”

Just returned from the Multiple Personalities seminar downtown, I was down there all day (was in charge of the name tags) and of course I took everyone with me, and still, I don’t think we made many new friends.  Sometimes life is just so dog-gone unfair.

If anyone is wondering?  The results from the recent poll, “Are you any better off now, than four years ago?” are now in.

  1. 10% said that they were better off.
  2. 10% said that they were somewhat better off.
  3. A resounding 80% said that they were worse off.

Now here is the really sad part, daily viewing of this site on that particular day was well above 250 views, but only 9 people bothered to vote.  What does that tell you about polls and voter apathy in this country.  Perhaps the only hope for America is just Divine hope?

It might be high time for a supreme being, surely something with superior intelligence, to step in and take a firm hand to straighten out this mess.  I see where all the candidates say they believe in God in some form or another, so that is a good start.

Here is a novel idea for a poll this week:  “You are getting a chance to briefly shake Obama’s hand after a speech in a couple days. You will have 3-4 seconds to say anything you want to him. What should you say or do? What could you say that would not get you tackled by the Secret Service” (As always comments is open, take a shot at it)

No good huh?

Okay how about the race card, or shall we call it the Biden Boner of the Month, his admittedly outrageous warning to a largely a black audience when he said that Mitt Romney “is going to put y’all back in chains.”  Yes he really said that, and yes, this is the 21st century (last time I looked).

And I thought George Bush said stoooooooopid thangs?

What you think is your business, but I truly believe that God is in the mix, you will notice that Hillary was out of the country during the Democratic Convention, so that shows you he (God) is marked up and on the job.  Looks like my apparent disdain for lawyers is surfacing again (Hillary was a lawyer I believe).

A lawyer boarded an airplane with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde flight attendant to take care of them for him.  She took the box and promised to put it in the crew’s refrigerator.  He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, “Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise your hand?”  Not one hand went up, so she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here: 

Lawyers aren’t as smart as they think they are.  

Blondes aren’t as dumb as most folk think.

Monday Morning … Just thinking outside the box again, and yes I know, it often gets me into trouble.  Which in my case, often makes life a little bit more interesting.

See you at the water-cooler.

OOO

It’s Bikini Season Somewhere

Winter storm rolled thru here this weekend, and it has snapped off cold, bitter cold.  This time of the year always has me thinking of warmer climes, Florida, The Caribbean, Phoenix or any place over 55*F.

As I don’t feel like making any more contributions to the Oil Executives Retirement Fund (Big Oil) I am surfing the net and staying home.  Found this today, if you like warm weather and smooth looking women this is eye candy for you:  Hollywood Beach Bod’s.

Always something good at ABC News.

 

Fred Smith has a problem.

Things in Batavia, Ohio are not going his way.  Fred suddenly realized that the $1,200 in cash he had been saving for his Christmas gift was missing.  Grabbing his jacket out of the closet, he found that the money, all of it, was gone.  This panicked Fred as he recalled, and all of a sudden he did not know what to do.

Fred Smith of Batavia, Ohio is not having a nice day.

A logical turn of events to Fred was to call, each and every single place that he had been in recent days.  No soap.  But God watches over us they say, and it turns out his cash was safe and sound at a little place called Walt’s Barbecue.

His waitress, Tricia Ayers had found the money in an envelope on a a table and turned it over to her boss.  Fred Smith is a lucky guy, I lost the very same amount in the parking lot of a local mall one Christmas ($1,240.00) and no one held it in safe keeping for me.

Here is another one for the books.

As a high school sophomore in 1976, Jimmy Colson brought a 1923 Peace dollar, a 1897 Morgan dollar, and a 1903 Indian head penny to school to show his friends.  But the coins were stolen that day from his locker.

Thirty-four years later, Colson found an envelope in his mailbox in Greensburg, Indiana, containing the three coins along with an anonymous apology.  It read, “Took it out of your locker some 30 years ago.”  Signed “Sorry, dumb kid.”

It would always make me wonder, who it was, their mindset at the time, and of course, I would like to tell them thanks.

You ever wonder how old a man has to be to father a child?  Well, it appears that it is possible to father a child way up there.  This morning during a lull in the festivities I found Nanu Ram Jogi, 90, world’s oldest new father .  Having a child when you are in your nineties, is proof positive that children are God’s punishment for enjoying sex!  The last thing I am going to want in my life at ninety (assuming I actually make it to ninety) is an infant.

In my case, having given this “fatherhood late in life question” some serious thought, this is what I came up with.  “If we are to have a child at this late stage in life, he or she as the case may be, will have to be born 18 years of age, as he or she as the case may be, is going to have to go to work right away.”

Here is something to look forward to in the New Year.  How about 11 new fee’s added to your airline ticket?  Did you know that the airlines are currently collecting $700 million dollars per MONTH in fee’s.  Here are a few of the new one’s they are considering.

Talking to a service rep at the counter, fee.
Changing the name on the ticket, fee.
Charging your ticket on a credit card, fee.
And my all time favorite, going to the bathroom on the aircraft, fee.

Now I hear you smirking and giggling, but it is true, I read it on the internet.

Ohhhhhh my gosh!  Facebook went viral.  The rumor that it is going to shut down, has people rushing to download their photo’s and treasures from the public medium before the March 15th deadline or as some say, “The end of the world, Species Ending Event for social networking.”  Thru it all, one thing, mystifies me.  I find it some curious that Facebook itself, has not responded to the rumor.  What it is all about.

I am now off to the kitchen to pour myself a glass of Tropicana orange juice and then I am going to sit here in my Easy Boy recliner and think more gooder thoughts about Jane Krackos and of course, warm things.

You figure it out.

OOO