Enhanced Average Joe

Thought it was going to be a slow day, but it finally appeared. The first totally ridiculous statement of the morning.

I heard one today I had never heard before, “enhance the male experience” now that has to be a first. I have heard it called a lot of things during the course of my years, but I have to admit.

I have never heard it called that.

“Honey, come on in here, so we can enhance the male experience! Aw C’mon sugar, you have to be here for some of it. Please?”

Best I move on.

Can we build one for you?

The automakers are really starting to cry the blues. Many of them won’t survive what is left of this year. Almost 600 of the 2,000 dealers nationwide are out of business now, and they are losing about two dealers per day to lagging sales. General Motors credit arm GMAC now requires a credit score of 700 or better to finance a new car.  This is what happens to you when you consistently build vannila wafer, cookie cutter, fuel gulping cars … you slowly die.

Packin’ Heat In Oklahoma.

Gun advocates in Oklahoma want laws to allow carrying guns in plain sight. In Oklahoma residents can get permits to carry concealed weapons but cannot display guns openly. A signature drive is trying to change that. I suppose this means we will not be allowed to bring them to church?

A man ran for the office of sheriff in a small Oklahoma town. The day after the election he was spotted walking down the street, with a firearm strapped to his right hip. His neighbor said to him, “Carl, how come you are a packing that pistol, you lost that election for sheriff yesterday.” And he just smiled and replied, “A man with as many friends as I have in this town, ought to be wearing a gun.”

Listen up! Do we have a deal for you!

Campaign seeks next “Joe The Plumber.” Are you the Joe the plumber type? A regular American who doesn’t want Barack Obama to be president? If so, Republican nominee John McCain’s campaign wants to hear your story, in the form of a 30 second video that might be used as one of their television ads.

Now I can hear you giggling and snickering in the background and you are not buying a word of it. But it is true (Have you ever known me to lie to you? Don’t answer that question.) McCains team announced an “I’m Joe The Plumber” contest. Go to johnmccain.com for details.

You could be the next average Joe to be chewed up and spit out by the Political Machine! Is this truly the land of opportunity or what?

We are all about labeling in this country, they are looking for “Average American’s” by their own admission but refer to them as Plumber Joe’s. Why is it we do this crap. Why is it that no one ever questions the use of thoroughly unnecessary terms such as “African American, Asian American, Hispanic American, to name a few.”

We are all Americans and we are not all plumbers.

Take me for instance, how come no one is looking for “Average-Angry-White-Taxpaying-Guy” because that is what I am … don’t know a thing about plumbing and that is a fact. A nation of people who cannot agree to speak the same language, make up modifiers to describe their brothers and sisters.

It’s easy take a shot at it: Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you’re eating. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.  See, nothin to it.

How Do They Keep Their Shirts On With That Big Heart

Akron Ohio … “Who says big biz and the government don’t have a heart? Mortgage giant Fannie Mac this week said it would forgive the debt of a 90-year old woman who shot herself in the chest to avoid being evicted. She shot herself after deputies came to evict her from the home in which she had lived for some 40 years.

Book ’em Dano … Murder One.

Los Angeles California City police officers are more likely to stop and search black and Hispanic residents than they are whites, even though whites are more often found carrying guns and contraband, according to a report released by the American Civil Liberties Union of Southern California.

Only in California.

This is the same state that in 1989 had two school districts ban the book Little Red Riding Hood by the Brothers Grim. Was it because the Big Bad Wolf’s consumption of people seemed too violent? Nope. School officials thought the story might encourage children to drink because it depicts a bottle of wine in the basket Red takes to her grandmother.

You buy your tickets … Take Your Chances

Richmond Virginia. A technical problem with a new Virginia Lottery game may have led hundreds of players to believe they won bigger prizes than they did. Lottery officials caught the mistake in its Fast Play Super 7’s game after more than 2,300 tickets were sold. Officials blamed a software problem for the misprinted tickets and asked the Attorney General’s Office whether they must pay the expected prizes.

And finally, Green River Wyoming.

Sweetwater County is considering an ordinance that would spell out where sex shops could operate. The proposal also would prohibit sexually oriented businesses from advertising on signs placed on vehicles. Outrage over a sex shop sign posted on an abandoned school bus prompted the proposed changes. A sex shop is where you go to buy products that artificially enhance the male experience or fulfill your rubber fetish, whichever comes first.

Now if Y’all will excuse me, I need to go clean my gun (the one that does not require any kind of enhancement that is).

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Parting shot: “It is useless to hold a person to anything he says while he’s in love, drunk, or running for public office.”


Highlighting History

Here lately, a great many of our political hopefuls, presidential wanna-be’s and vice presidential what-evers have been running fast and loose with not only the facts, but our recent and past history. So I figured, what is good for the goose, is good for the gander and I have taken time today to correlate some history for all our readers.

The staff of Creative Endeavors and I got together over a period of several minutes, perhaps twenty-five or thirty, and came up with some interesting facts and history about our country for you in the spirit of the 2008 electorate.

On August 3rd,l 1492, Christopher Columbus set sail from Palos, Spain, on a voyage that took him to the present day America’s. Sailing on the Nina, the Pinta, and the Juilo Englasis, he arrived just before noon on a Friday. America at this time was basically a developing nation, a few Burger Kings, one or two Wal-Marts, but they were not Super Centers. There was visible evidence of many brush fires and incredible amounts of devastation everywhere. There was plenty of oil because cars had not been invented and we had no Congress.

In 1914, Germany declared war on France. France in retaliation, sent to Germany Rene Monette Anton Bush to convince local German governments to build replica’s of the Eiffel Tower and to give up this insane idea of war instead. To not service their women, tear down the French language, and to encourage them to drink more wine. This was quickly brushed aside for obvious reasons. She was promptly deported back to France as an illegal alien, and a undocumented speaker. Germany at that time, appropriated funds to build a fence to keep Frenchmen from entering their country.

In 1923, Calvin Coolidge was sworn in as the 30th President of the United States, following the defeat of Warren G. Harding. On this day Billy Raye Bushwhacker Sr. was defeated in the World College Bowl when he selected “History” for $100 and incorrectly answered the question …. “What Was WWII?” … with the answer …… some fish? NBC ran a story on if you yelled for 8 years and 7 months, some six days, you would produce enough energy to heat one cup of coffee. General Motors announced a new model of Chevy that got zero miles per gallon … but had lot’s of chrome.

In 1936, the State Department urged Americans in Spain to leave because of that country’s civil war. Oklahoma City started abandoning buildings in what is now called Brick Town because of rapid expansion to the suburbs. An Oklahoma court, on a suggestion of a local celebrity, granted custody of a ten year old Boy Scout to a 14 year old girl. This was promptly overturned by the local chapter of the ACLU.

In 1949, the National Basketball Association was formed despite the protests of the not yet formed NFL. The Oklahoma Representative in Congress announced that “for twenty five thousand dollars each, any lobbyist in the building (excluding Petroleum related industries) would be allowed to kiss him fully on the lips.” The University of Oklahoma announces that if you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, you would produce enough gas to create the energy of an atomic bomb. Which was quickly debunked by the Department of Defense. 1949 was a slow year, America did not attack anyone in the name of Democracy.

In 1958, the nuclear-powered submarine Nautilus became the first vessel to cross the North Pole underwater. A non candidate for any office, Billy Raye Bushwhacker Sr., meets with the heads of the state of England, France, Norway, Sweden and Germany at a family picnic in his backyard in Pecos Texas. He refuses to run on the “conservative” ticket, claiming that a race for Governor would negate his chances of being King or even God, someday in the near future.

Dick Clark turns sixteen years old …. Again.

In 1980, closing ceremonies were held in Moscow for the 1980 Summer Olympic Games, which had been boycotted by dozens of countries, including the United States. Ronald Reagan cannot remember if he approved the sale of arms to that place east of New Jersey. In a historic decision the Republican packed U.S. Supreme court rules that six apples in one sack is to be considered one item, this was a five to three vote. A new Republican protege comes on the scene, Billy Raye Bushwhacker Jr. enters Yale for his first year of c- studies.

In 1981, U.S. Air Traffic controller go on strike, despite a warning from President Reagan they would be fired. President Reagan then announces that at that time, the price of his souvenir beer mug has been reduced to on $3.99 and one building in Brick Town is being given consideration as a possible comedy club. No building permits or business licenses are issued after the Governor intervenes and declares “Living in Oklahoma is not funny.” Oklahoma University announces that a cat’s urine glows under a black light.  The practice of bathing in Swan Fat and Donkey Milk is declared illegal in 62 counties in Oklahoma and one U.S. protectorate south of Guam.

In 1988, the Soviet Union released Mathias Rust, the young West German pilot who had landed a light plane in Moscow’s Red Square in May 1987. Billy Raye Bushwhacker Jr. announces that for $500 a month, he will have breakfast with any registered Republican in the North Eastern Corridor of the United States. IBM announces that they have purchased space on the side of the Russian Station Miers for advertising and at a bargain price of only $18 million dollars. General Motors re-introduces the zero mileage car with lot’s of chrome.

In 1993, the Senate voted 96-3 to confirm Supreme Court nominee Ruth Bader Ginsburg. The national basketball association announces a new team in Florida to be known as the Incredibly Huge Bloodsucking Insects and will be home courted in Orlando. Bill Gates buys Guatemala and most of Honduras in a sweeping takeover bid. Judge Bork receives the “worst looking beard in the world award” by cast members of The View in 4 to 4 decision. He is subsequently is rejected from the court for oblivious reasons and in a related decision it is announced that it is no longer illegal to pray at Cock Fights, but you can still “make a wish, as long as you do not offend anyone else.”

In 1994, one day after Iraq invaded Kuwait, thousands of Iraqi soldiers pushed to within a few miles of the border with Saudi Arabia, heightening world concerns that the invasion could spread. A place called Chad dukes it out with some place called Libya and the arms race in America escalates. Stock in gunpowder and small arms increases exponentially and business is good on the NASDAC. People living north of the United States in Canada, tiring of their tree’s humming and glowing in the dark, demand that we do something about our acid rain. 1,200 dead people were discovered at a Neil Diamond concert in Michigan over the weekend.

Five years ago: OJ Simpson is hot on the trail of his wife killers, searching out every golf course in America. A 19 year old kid flies a Cessna airplane into Red Square and the Soviets are livid, Dick Cheney orders 6,000 Cessna airplanes for the U.S. Air Force. The Senate Transportation Committee recommends that all speed limits be increased nationwide to 80 MPH to help out the Saudi’s and it is increased, everywhere, except Oklahoma where all the roads are in disrepair or being patched. Judge Judy makes a definitive socially defining historic ruling on wrinkle creams being sold across the counter, that do not go deep enough to control crows feet in middle aged women.

One year ago: Congressional Republicans, shrugging off a presidential veto threat, nailed down the details of an agreement for a 10-year, $792 billion tax cut. Arbitrators ruled the government had to pay the heirs of Dallas dress maker Abraham Zapruder $16 million for his movie film that captured the assassination of President Kennedy. The first issue of Talk Magazine hit the newsstands and to celebrate this Congress passed a whopping pay raise (unanimously) in both houses.

Dick Clark turns …. Sixteen …. Again.

Which brings us to today: The Republican National Committee announces that so far, things have been pretty dull, so the handlers of Sara Palin have decided to allow her to speak. DVD sales in the United States reach record numbers. Joe the Plumber announces that he is depressed and constipated in Cleveland. Dick Cheney was to speak, but at his last public appearance he was interrupted 32 times by applause and two times by mild heart attacks. The Democrats have been declared legally brain dead in all but the swing states where the majority of the voters are still “not sure” and Joe Biden is strangely quiet.  Our second term soon to be gone President comes on television to announce that “the sap of a tree is a good conductor of rain and that is how you get electrocuted” while giving a press conference in the rose-garden in the rain.

And finally …. In an effort to clarify the new bailout proposal to the American people the political hopefuls came on PBS last night and laid out the proposal in a manner that was understandable by most of the population. In the spirit of Hillary and Good Time Bill it was patiently explained:

Once upon a time a man appeared in a village and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each. The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them. The man bought thousands at $10 and, as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He next announced that he would now buy monkeys at $20 each. The villagers renewed their efforts and started catching monkeys again.

Soon the supply diminished even further and people went back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so scarce it was an effort to even find a monkey, let alone catch it! The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50 each! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would buy on his behalf.

During the man’s absence, the assistant told the villagers “Look at all the monkeys in this big cage that the man has already collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each.”

The villagers rounded up all their savings and bought all the monkeys for 850 billion dollars. They never saw the man or his assistant again, only lots and lots of monkeys. Now you have a better understanding of how the WALL STREET BAILOUT PLAN WILL WORK!

History in a nutshell ……When Columbus started out for the New World, he didn’t know where he was going; when he would get there, when he got there, he didn’t know where it was he was; and when got back he didn’t know where had been.

Kind of points out what we all knew to begin with ….. History has an awful bad habit of repeating itself.

000

Thanx Jim in WA.


Life goes on …

Let see? My virus scanner says that my system is squeaky clean, I have no Spyware, no Trojan anythings, my malware is not there, I am doing well. I am somewhat concerned about this ugly rash in my right armpit, and may have to stay on top of that. But all in all, I am okay, or perceived to be okay at this point in time.

Been an interesting week, backed out of my driveway on Monday and nailed my neighbor’s car, and he isn’t too happy with me. The cable company demanded that I cough up funds, the utilities are due, insurance, you name it. Life in the big city goes on.

All my hero’s at WordPress have left me alone and disillusioned again, and I am flat out bent out of shape with them. If you want a taste of it you can find it at WordPress SNAFU.

Maybe I am wound too tight for my own good? Children are said to laugh about 300 times each day on average, the adult however only about 15. Perhaps I should get more childlike in my approach to all of this ____ and try to mellow out. It just seems here lately that every other person is lying to me and I am tiring of trying to sort it all out. More …

The whacky world of Hollywood makes me smile. Robert Downey Jr. was recently quoted as saying: “While groping for answers, he tries to keep things pretty simple. In this transition phase, I am really trying to live as much as a lizard as I can. Hot, rock, sun, fly, tongue. My identity was written on the wall by ancient and honorable formidable guides and forces. I’m such a work in progress at this moment. It’s crazy.”

Yeppers Robert, it shore is. And I thought Gary Busey was a little off tilt? As for me, I am not into that. I come from a long line of catalytic converters, and after sleeping all night long, I still wake up exhausted!

Tonight on the NBC News they were running this short item on used cars, new cars, saving money. They had this piece where a girl traded in an SUV and it was appraised at less than 50% of what she had paid for it three years ago. The article pointed out that by taking the loss, and trading in for lower rates, and the apparent gas savings included in the deal, that it would take her 52 years to recoup her loss.

Man, how sad is that? Oil prices are down now, because it is “election time” what do you suppose is going to happen after the Grand Old Party gets their lap-dog in there? Here is a new wrinkle in the fabric of daily life. The oil companies have started adding a 10% ethanol mix to the fuel, which could possibly damage your old hoopie that isn’t designed to run on ethanol and give you considerably less mileage.

It just kind of happened. I also have noticed that the stickers they put on the pump are not uniform. Some are orange, some blue with yellow letters, some white/black. Slowly they will increase the ethanol levels I suppose, just as they secretly sort of put this into effect.

Might be advised to look at the pump … before you pump. After the elections it will again revert to business as usual … An arm and a leg to fill up, watch n see. How does $4 a gallon grab ya? Just like a nasty head cold it is coming back.

Our good friends at the ACLU have filed a suit to stop employers from checking electronically the status of immigrated new hires to their businesses in Rhode Island. Once again, the erosion of rights in this country. If you have a business you should have the RIGHT to check on the people you hire, I personally see nothing wrong with this.

Maybe someone ought to inform the ACLU that presenting a false Social Security Card is a crime in this country, serious enough to be rated a felony. We need to disband the ACLU.

Speaking of crime? I love this one, police in Iowa City, Iowa, said that they did not have a lot of trouble locating the suspect. He signed his OWN NAME to the credit card receipts on a stolen credit card. He used the card at a coffee house, a tobacco store and a deli before it was eventually declined.

I am watching this Reality TV show, “The Principals Office” and it barks out at me. FIND OUT WHAT REALLY GOES ON IN THE PRINCIPALS OFFICE AT 8PM EASTERN! And I have to smile, “I know what goes on in the principal’s office, I had my name on my own chair in the tenth grade.”

Like I said, “I need to learn how to lighten up.” I am going to relax and read my book, “100 things to do before you die.” Written by Dave Freeman (co-author) who incidentally died this week at age 47. He fell and hit his head, he had visited about half of the places he mentioned in his book.

Hot, rock, sun, fly, tongue …. Life goes on.

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THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: When I’m feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor’s dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.”

Odds and Ends …

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:  “All the news isn’t bad.  Most of it is, but not ALL of it.”

Sen. John McCain (R-AZ) plans to hold a fundraiser next week in Atlanta with Ralph Reed, the founder of the Christian Coalition and onetime associate of Jack Abramoff.  More and more, McSame is starting to look like he is connected to the Good Old Boy Network just like the rest of ‘em.  When you run with the bottom feeders of the U.S. political scene, there isn’t going to be any good news forthcoming.

A group of activists is trying to register tens of thousands of newly eligible felons, stating that “former offenders have been unfairly disenfranchised for decades.  Despite massive registration efforts, the presidential campaigns of Sens. John McCain and Barack Obama have not designated anyone to go after the group.”

So your next question should be “Who Cares?”

It will be interesting to watch and see if they go after this newly discovered gold mine of voters.  We are now pandering to Ex-Con’s for the vote, the rumors must be true.  “There is no level that a politician will sink to, in order to get elected.” The ACLU is dismantling America one issue at a time.

Media is reporting that there is a surge of people in the suburbs that are moving back into the cities.  Here is what is waiting for you if Atlanta is that city.  Police in Atlanta began a long promised crackdown on panhandling, drug dealing and marijuana smoking at a pedestrian plaza.  Officers posted fence like barricades around a dozen concrete tree planters outside the MARTA station to discourage idlers.  Then they started rounding them up.

The Island of Grenada launched a campaign to persuade tourists not to use the Starfish as Frisbees for their dogs.  As unbelievable as that sounds, it is true.  A German man who had snuck into a pool with his buddies for a midnight nude swim got busted.  The naked suspect fled straight into a hedge of sharp nettles.  “The officers just followed the sound of screaming,” and there he was.  And in Florida, a man called 911 to complain that Subway had not put any sauce on his spicy Italian sandwich.  He was arrested the second time he called to complain, after being warned not do this.

A person, who doesn’t learn from his mistakes, is prone to repeat them.

Here is some good news for you.  Iraq is doing rather well, some $80 billion in the coffers now and it is reported that the country is spending less than 1% of that money to rebuild their infrastructure, the U.S. Government auditing agency reported this week.

Isn’t that swell, and you get to pay for it.

Our budget deficit has been widely reported to be $400 billion for the year, but that is not exactly true.  It should be around $709-$790 billion but it isn’t being reported accurately.  You see, they are using your Social Security and other trust funds to lower the deficit.  The Social Security had a nice little surplus of $197 billion this year and they want to spend it for everything BUT social security.  Section 13-301 of the Budget Act prohibits Congress and the President from engaging in this deficit deception, but they continue to violate the law.

The law doesn’t mean anything to this Administration; you should know that by now.

And finally: Over the weekend, President Bush met with some American athletes competing at the Olympics, including volleyball players Misty May-Treanor and Kerri Walsh. After a “good play, in the tradition of female volleyballers, May-Treanor turned, bent over slightly and offered her bikinied rear-end for the 43rd president to slap.

‘Mr. President,’ she said, ‘want to?'”

The LA Times reports that Bush “wisely chose instead to brush his hand across the small of May-Treanor’s back.”  First smart thing he has done in six months, maybe longer.

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