I like Brooks & Dunn, country and western singers, they have a song on one of my CD’s and it is entitled, “Your Gonna Miss Me.” And I suppose it would be fair to say a lot of people are going to miss Shorty, when he and Laura check out and head back to Texas. (It is fairly apparent that I will not be one of them)
I am however tiring of ABC and Charles Gibson and these homely little good-bye interviews. This garbled crap about a “Farewell Tour” and all the other media hype. I would rather switch over to Rosie O’Donnell’s website and watch her sit on the couch and clip her toe-nails than watch one more folksy interview of Dubya Bush.
“You are simply amazing, how do you stay on top of everything like you do Mr. President?”
“With my busy schedule and all those events, uh,uh, renaming tracts of land for the oil companies, protecting the coal companies from frivolous lawsuits, giving away large chunks of our National Forests to Plum Creek, and granting mining rights on our minerals to the Canadians, I stay busy. I did single handily bring Wall Street to their knees earlier this year, and no one is taking steroids in baseball anymore, we are safe there. Personally I am a Dallas Cowboys fan, I just love those tights.”
“What do you see yourself doing when you leave the White House Mr. President.”
“Laura and I have discussed that at great length, and y’know there are certain restrictions about the operation of chain saws in a residential area. We have been mulling over part-time divorce counselor, string digital cable installer, protecting most of the free world from too much BS and starting a library on the grounds of great learning institution that will be staffed not by scholars, but governmental butt kissers, or as some call them, intellectuals. We will uh, also try to move a basketball franchise into the area, providing that they can pass a steroid screening process, we are currently looking for someone to promote it for us, someone big, say like, Michael Jackson.”
“What do you use to keep yourself so organized Mr. President?”
“I don’t have a Palm Pilot, I would like to try one, but I am afraid I might go blind. I am somewhat addicted to my cellphone, but strangely, it has gotten very quiet and no one is calling anymore. We need to check on that Laura. I have a laptop computer, but I use it exclusively for email and online gaming, Grand Theft Auto is my favorite. I don’t write anything down. Everything is in my head, it drives people crazy. I know I am “supposed to use it” but everything seems to fit so well between my ears, so that is where I store all the information in the free world, those things important to Ameri-kuh. Most of it is not all that factual to begin with, government stuff, shock n awe, Gitmo, so if you need to embellish it a little in order to clarify, well that is okay too.”
“Doesn’t this present problems Mr. President?”
“No, not really. When I got into the house of representatives, the senate, a George Town Bar, the occasional random Carls’ Hamburger Joint, I just recreate in my mind everything — the size, the color the shape of the doors — everything. What I do is close my eyes and walk through the entire event. I say “We’re going to use a bowl of roses and we’re going to use a bronze bowl. There is NO way that anyone will NOT like this. It is such a hoot. I learned it from Karl and Rumms-dummie, if you cannot dazzle them with brilliance, then baffle them with bull, old Texas trick. Most people you can drag down with facts in about three days, isn’t that right Laura? “Huh? Hmmmmm whuts zat honey? Must have dozed off. Anyway Charles, all you have do is hang in there for say, four uh, or six, maybe uh, eight years and you will reach a point where 44% of the statistics are made up about 99.4% of the time.”
“Mr. President, do I understand correctly that you write down NOTHING?”
“Oh, I have one of those little day timers that was given to me when I first started out in the oil business on our first bankruptcy I think it was. My daddy gave it to me with the start up money which we blew right away, it is hot in the oil fields of Texas in the summer time, a fella can git awfully dry out there in the Panhandle of Texas. My day timer is a small one, kind of fits in my pocket, it is called “The Economist Wallet Diary” that one thar is a hoot, wouldn’t you agree Charles? One time we went to Hawaii about six or seven years ago, I was in Maui, and I knew I just left it by the phone. I was so uptight on the plane, to make a long story short, Laura and I flew back there that very minute and there it was. That is how desperate I was for my day timer.”
“You flew all the way back to Maui to retrieve this one item Mr. President?”
“Oh yes, you can do these tings when you are on a full expense paid, first class junket, and you are not paying the tab. The one other time I lost it was at the Orlando Flea Market down there close to that other place that got blown away in a hurricane or a tornado a few years back, I forget the name. Anyway I called a psychic who was really good and she saw it on a ledge on a building. Within an hour, a guy from the secret service came and he too saw it on the ledge at the post office laying there as she described it to me. I cannot live without it, I keep my hate mail list of all the people in Dallas, all of my hopes and dreams, my many plans and schemes, all of it , is in there.”
“Do you have any regrets about leaving the public arena Mr. President.”
“Wall, uh yeah, I uh, I am a BIG fan of government, I believe we cannot possibly have enuff government in this wonderful country, even though me and Cheney didn’t use much of it ourselves, it is good enuff for the people, then it is good enough for me. I may write a book about it, but I am gonna buy me one of them thar spelling checker things first. I mean, fifty percent of the world knows how to spell, homeless people are lucky cause they git to camp out each night and the other sixty-two percent are hicks who cannot read anyway. Me and the wife are contemplating going to Europe so that we can study the great museums and see where all those forefathers came from Y’know those guys that came over on the three ships, The Pinto, The Cordova and The Coupe De Ville.”
“So you plan on doing some traveling after leaving office Mr. President?”
“Uh yeah, we were thinking about going to visit some friends we have in the San Francisco Bay Area of California. I like the Bay Area, I practically grew up in Phoenix.”
One last thing Mr. President, “Do you have any specific goals in the coming New Year?”
“Wall, yeah, I uh, we are just going to sit back and take it easy Charles. Fortunately all of our money was being held in trust for us, so those lousy dirty-egg-sucking dawgs in the banking industry could not get their hands on ours, we is in pretty good shape. On the other hand Charles, you will find five more fingers. Are you going to want this used swizzle stick, I am keeping the cherry.”
“One last question Mr. President, as I am sure you are aware of the current chaotic conditions in the Middle East and the eruption of hostilities in the Gaza Strip and Israel. In your opinion what would it take to have World Peace.”
“Wall, uh yeah, I uh know this one, it is right here, on the tip of my tongue, I know this one ……..”
Yeah, I am really going to miss this guy.
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