Go Ahead Make My Day

imgresWell HE started it first!  It’s not my fault that he cannot outrun a lawn mower  They get that from YOU it could not have possibly come from my side of the family.

Here is your virtual greeting for the day … wait for it … Okay.  Now get the —- off my lawn.  If you cannot say something nice, then maybe it is time to be quiet.

Things You Will Never Hear At My House
You are the best husband in the entire world
That looks like a professional job to me
Universal fit, one size fits all.
It only cost pennies on the dollar
Take me to the motel you big stud

I would love for your mother to come and stay for a couple of weeks
No really, I do like Dancin With The Stars, no really
It followed me home, I don’t think it is lethal.
I have not seen it, YOU used it last, don’t blame it on me,

This green thing on the bottom shelf, towards the back, is it safe to eat?
We have any Gray Poupon?
Someone at the door from Publishers Clearing House
Why would you even want to get closer to the gas pump?
The hose is 12’ long!
What is your definition of “a little body damage?”

Well HE started it first!
It’s not my fault that he cannot outrun a lawn mower
They get that from YOU it could not have possibly come from my side of the family.

Paper or plastic?
Paper or plastic?
Paper or plastic?
Paper or plastic?
Everywhere I go.
Maybe I should just tell them “I am Bi-Sackual” and be done with it.

I just want to go home.

That is the cutest baby I have ever seen in my life
Listen to me, “you can no longer say someone ____ up your crayons.”
Mommie says to say “someone broke your crayons” both mean the same thing.
Pay attention ________ ! You need to put increased emphasis on a potential solution and less emphasis on “cursing the procedures” you are after all, four years old.
Get with the program.

Well, she’s YOUR friend, she don’t do anything for me,
she offered to last year at the New Years party, but I took a pass on the deal.
I sent you an email on it last week
I called and left you a message on your phone, last week
Sent you a text on it … Last week.

Might have missed you, I was outta town all of last week.

I remember it being in the “bundled package” so it has to be around here somewhere
Give me an order of those “fluffy scrambled eggs” who the hell talks like that anyway.
I just love that rich, beefy flavor, give me an extra piece of cheese for this artery choking heart stopping bacon monster …. It’s Chinese Food it is supposed to have eyes, no, it is NOT staring at you.

It clearly sez “ONE SIZE fits all, it is right here on the tag, see?”
I just wanna go home.

Whenever it is possible, to save fuel, double up on your errands.
Doubling up can also mean delegating responsibilities to your spouse and kids,
giving you the opportunity to play the part of the D.I. in Tribes with Jan Michael Vincent.
You know the guy who did it (The DI) after Jack Webb.

No really … I would love it for your mother to come and stay for a couple of weeks



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One thought on “Go Ahead Make My Day

  1. Gotta say DS, reading some of these MIGHT want a person think of committing suicide ! Along with myself, I just know that some of your followers of Box car have certainly been/commented on some of these examples of mayhem !

    I write from life experience, actually knew two guys who did that. He made fun of his brother because he had to mow the lawn, so his brother run him down with the push mower (showing me the scar on his foot) and then I said, what did you do?

    He smiled real big and said, “after my foot healed up, I stabbed him in the back with a pair of scissors!”

    Thanks for your comment.


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