Things You Should Never Do At A Bus Meet

Parking crooked or being lop-sided

This bus meet sport involves “traversing environmental obstacles by not paying attention or rapidly and efficiently getting to the campground on time.” Still game?

Then consider this: You may have to swing wide, reposition repeatedly and borrow a longer dump hose when you get rid of the used groceries. Running over rocks, rubbing curbs, and mowing down other items, will get you bonus points.  You can watch this on YouTube later on without hurting yourself or your bus.

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Doing Jell-O Shots or Cherries Out Of A Mason Jar

Face it. By your age you should know better than to subject yourself to the extreme embarrassment (and brain cell loss) of getting so drunk that you fall down. Don’t imitate today’s twenty-somethings; they’ll probably grow out of it anyway.  Keep saying to yourself (out loud) “it caint hurt ya, cause it made out of real fruit.”

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Karaoke After Jell-O Shots

So … you tried the Jell-O shots? Then you’re probably more anxious to try karaoke than you would have been while sober. Go for it. Friends will drive you home or you can lean on Dr. Tom’s golf cart if necessary.  If your wife or children witness it, they may not want to speak with you for a while — possibly an advantage depending on your perspective.

Trying to Break a Bay Door or Mirror With Your Head

Your grandchildren may have advanced far enough in martial arts to break a brick with their head — typically karate or tae kwon do — and would be able to pull this one off.  But unless you’re sporting a black belt, you can avoid a concussion or worse by sticking to yoga.  Be aware of your surroundings at all times, and watch for “Flying Tents” in the later part of the day when the wind picks up.

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Crowd Surfing After The Winery Tour

Here’s how to do this. Go to a crowded enclave of bus people, wear soft shoes and no jewelry, zippers or studs (which can get caught in people’s hair). Give your wallet and phone to someone you trust, and climb up on the stage. Make sure the people you’re going to jump on have their hands raised to catch you. Dive! Try to stay on your back with your head up as you’re passed around — and keep flailing to a minimum. I don’t have to make the case against this one, right?

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Boasting About Certain Things

It’s considered tasteless to convey excitement in public about the number of Do-Nuts you ate to get even with Jefferson Bus for overpricing you on used parts, how many zeroes in your paycheck, capital letters that accompany your name (unless you are say … Cher or JayLo), the number of people you could have married, the size of your acreage back home … or the size of your anything else.  Boldly lying about fuel mileage is permissible most of the time.  

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You can also play the “Aint it awful game” with all your bus friends, and always start it up again the next day.  If it gets too awful, just shout out … How About Those Chargers!  And then move on.

Explaining purchasing and building a bus

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You may very well have made it happen, but stop before you brag. Although other fifty-somethings’ might be impressed, soon they will be asking about your financial situation (as your children do every year at Christmas Time or when you tell them you are not feeling well).  Which will get you back on the “I cannot remember lying train.”  Allow the appearance of your bus to speak for you, maybe even wash it now and then if you have the quarters.

Your Personal Role in Fueling the Rumor
That Paul Was Dead

Actually, this may be OK. You can amuse younger folks by relating how, in the 60’s (or as you put it “back in the day”), you pushed Beatles albums the wrong way on the turntable with the needle down on the vinyl to listen for clues. And take heart! Millennial hipsters love vinyl and record players.You’ve lived long enough to be groovy again!  But because of your poor diet, it could be short-lived.  Gabby will still consider you an old coot and smile.

Single-Spacing Your Emails and using all Caps.

If you’re yearning to update everyone on your personal role in reporting on bus meet issues has you considering a smaller font or a bigger page, you could be seriously depleted and possibly delusional.  Contact your host immediately. 

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Do not post photo’s of your friends in compromising situations
on FaceBook or any other social media.

Settle for a handwritten greeting on a simple card purchased at WalMart for .99 cents.  You could for instance just write, BTDTGTTS (Been There Done That Got The T-shirt) …  Please remember the most important fact of all this.  You are representing the “Bus Community” and should be a class act or something closely resembling that in most cases. 

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And Last … It is humanly impossible to father or be related to a dog.

As you are a dues paying member of the human race, a noble band of people, with opposing thumbs, it is virtually impossible to find yourself in the position of being an “uncle” to a dog.  Just aint gonna happen. However, if you consume too much Junior Johnson Shine and eat too many cherries, you could find yourself related to a mule around 2:30 a.m.*

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* Reprints of this article are expressly prohibited without the permission of Tony Saraceni or his son Jack.

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