Tonights News … Don’t Watch This Alone.
I need some NEW NEWS, and I need it now.
The news here lately is dismal at best, so I am going to make my OWN NEWS and print it up. The Hoffman’s continue to NOT find GOLD in the Yukon, despite the fact that the place is loaded with it. The young, sexy trophy wife, in all the Ciallis commercials climbs out of her tub and gets in with Harvey. Immediately demands a free laufa rub.
Brown sky reports from the Bay Area continue …. Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, (formerly known as California). White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia’s third language. Children are celebrating a cop being shot, and whine about a terrorist losing some sleep.
Oklahoma reports that it now has acquired Weapons Of Massive Destruction from Alabama and will use them on anyone poking fun at their elected moron officials. Colorado reports a critical shortage of junk food and Ding Dongs, to feed the new influx of homeless stoners.
The Pope bans of the use of NyQuil calling it a “Baptist Six Pack.”
Global warming proves to be true as last glacier disappears from Glacier National Park and it is now renamed Fresno, Montana. Charlie Sheen returns from the Mother Ship after a brief hiatus from CBS and claims he is now God.
Networks report noticeable change in the numbers of divorced people in Gay Community after same-sex marriages prove to be just as boring as regular marriages. Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage. Oklahoma sues Washington State, California, Alaska and anyone else who smokes weed.
Japan still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels. No sign of a Holy Crap-lookie-at-that-hugh-really-incredbly-monsterous-Lizard stomping on the streets of Tokyo thing! (stay tuned). New government in Egypt offers all three pyramids on Craigslist for sale, in order to raise funds to buy a new working government. Obama shuts down Yellowstone and Yosemite National parks and promises the money to them ASAP. CVS promises to not call you more than FORTY-TIMES a week to tell you your prescription is ready. Coffee suddenly shoots up to $15 a can after Columbia announces the death of Juan Valdez (that one will age some of you).
J-A-N-E F-O-N-D-A … Enuff said there, that’s for sure.
Because of the continuing drought, Clear Lake California, is empty and is renamed Lake View California. Bottled water is in short supply. Wineries in the Napa Valley are reporting a boomer year. New York City pleads for global help after being taken over by Puerto Rico. No other country comes forward to help the beleaguered Dysfunctional Metroplex. Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking. Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock (They’re toast now for sure). Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped. Indian Casino’s announce that they are going to start taking scalps as American Economy continues to decline. A man’s head exploded in Cleveland this week, his wife said his last words mumbled were … Polar Vortex, polar vorrrrrr …
National speed limit increased to 30 MPH on all highways in an attempt to satisfy truckers and end the 5 year long trucker’s strike. Diesel is predicted to drop in price to only $13 per gallon. U.S. Oil companies now demand “the first born male child of each family, in order to fill up a bus with low sulfur motor fuel and DEF” (shortage of refinery workers in the U.S.). Just in! A barrel of crude drops over 50% but Diesel remains rock steady at too ____ much.
Howard Stern says he will run for President in 2036 with Howie Mandel for a VP. Things are going great for the Dallas Cowboys and their new Asian coach, that is until the crowd starts chanting his name … Kim Yoo Suk … Kim Yoo Suk. Boxcarokie is chosen to be the poster boy for Preparation H in 2015.
Eight-year ban on all natural fish to continue due to efforts of the Sierra Club. Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only. Government announces the end of 85-year, $75.8 billion study: Announces that Diet and exercise is the key to weight loss. Wal-Mart at the same time, announces a rush on garlic flavored croton, regular crotons stay the same.
Cable TV rates increase to $445 a month. Oprah buys her own network and dumps Dr. Phil. Dish Network buys out Direct TV but you still have no reception when it rains. Visit Cuba this year …. Nah.
BCO is expelled from Prevost Community! After checking supplied VIN # of his coach it is determined that it belongs to a Volkswagen bus and he is asked to leave the group. Prevosman issues a press release denying he ever knew the guy and his free membership and novelty tag is here-by revoked. Like Dr. Phil is fond of saying … “How’s all that workin’ for ya.”
And finally … If you have stuck around this long?
China announces that they “own the world” and want everyone else off as soon as possible.
Have a great weekend (or don’t … It’s still your choice).