Buyin A Bus

don's bus 016

Torture time, another indictment of the public education system a lame attempt to increase my total word count for December.  Ahhhhhh Christmas, Good Will Towards Men, Peace On Earth … The Happy Time for most Americans.  Sadly I have go report … The boys and girls over at BCM are fighting again.  One thing about the Internet, swing a dead cat in any direction and you will find some nimrod who is unhappy.  Hot button topics are being slung left and right.

Free Speech, The Constitution, moderator conspiracy theories on an Internet board, actually referring to people as “Nazi’s” man-man, that is a hoot.  Buy an Iggle I know a place where you will fit right in.  My Grandpa was right, “an empty barrel does make the most noise.”


Buses and trucks in today’s market are like flea’s on a dog, but somehow, nothing is working, page after page of nothing is working?  It is real simple, find one, do the deal, give the rest of us a break.

Here is a free clue on how to do it.

Banker:  Well, I see by your paperwork that you have started to think about your purchasing a bus in the near future. I’ve reviewed your credit score, gone over your account balances, and I have spoken with some of our loan officers. Frankly, I seem to be running into a bit of a problem and I was wondering if you could perhaps help me out?

You: What exactly is the problem?

Banker: Mechanically speaking it appears that you are qualified to do nothing and of course irretrievably stupid, you could very well be possibly out of your mind.

You: That seems kind of harsh.  I put together a swing set from Sears once.  Its just a fifty-year old bus for cryin’ out loud.  I mean, “how hard could any of this be?”

Banker: I’m sorry. I suppose your entire life, your parents have told you that you’re smart and capable?  Your friends admire you for your ability to take on monumental impossible tasks and still somehow survive.  It says here that at the age of ten, you wrapped a towel around your neck and jumped off the roof of your fathers’ house emulating Superman?

You: Of course they have.  Yeah I did that, wanted you to know that I am not afraid to try new things or adventure in my life.  For instance, buying a bus is a new thing and certainly it could qualify as an adventure, don’t you think so?

Banker: Well they’re full of it. I have never encountered anyone so ill-equipped to enter the bus community in all my years of being a banker and a recently released part-time RV Salesman.  Have you been staying in an area that might have lead in the drinking water.  Even Superman would not be this d-u-m-b.

You: You’re exaggerating, I can’t be that hopeless.

Banker: Am I? When I asked you why it was that you wanted a bus, you never came up with a correct answer one time, you answered correctly only 25% of the time.  A few of them, you just sat there with that deer in the headlight look and shrugged your shoulders.

You: One out three isn’t that bad.

Banker:  Exactly my point. You also seem to have exaggerated the “appearance factor” over the maint. issues two to one, in your description of the used coach you hope to purchase.

You: No I didn’t.

Banker: Let’s see what it was that you wrote? Here it is: “Really nice looking stainless and the wheels are really, really shiny, and my wife would be a looker in that smoking hot Big Bad Mama with painted swirls on the side.”

You: I don’t remember writing that.

Banker: You have terrible memory skills.

You: That’s not fair.

Banker:  And a delusional perception of worthiness.

You:  But …

Banker: You also have trouble completing a thought. Moving on to maint. issues, you could not find a brake caliper if you had a map.

You: That can’t be that uncommon.

Banker: It was a map of the entire underbelly of the bus.

You: I thought it was something else.  A schematic for the plumbing system or possibly a link to the back bedroom carousel clothing thingy that I can hang my ball-caps on.

Banker: You seem to have absolutely no grasp of economics or what it really costs to operate one of these things.

You: I know a little about it.  They are cheaper to operate than say, a houseboat on the Columbia River system, yeah, that is right.

Banker:  You listed the three different mileage factors for the bus.  One for on the road, one while parked, and one while running the inverter.

You: Those numbers are good numbers, the seller gave them to me.

Banker:  You took a course on motorcycle repair in school?

You: Yes I did.  How did you know that, did I write that in there, let me see ….

Banker: Yes you did and you think this will help you understand the intricacies and nuances of a 45 ft — 65,000 lb. bus?  You listed that in your application, can you tell me how this will relate to this dream of bus ownership you seem to be reluctant to let go of?

You:  Can you end a sentence like that?

Banker: No. 

You:  Really?

Banker: NO YOU MORON, but this is not an English lesson, this is buying a bus 101 … This next one is especially perplexing: under make and model you wrote in Bigfoot. I find that disturbing for at least several different reasons. 

You:  Well I had to write something and I could not spell “Iggle.”

Banker:  We will go over the paper work again, and our loan committee will let you know.  You should be getting a call from him soon …   

Gonna be a long winter Clifford, long winter indeed.

(Uh oh yeah, I didn’t get the loan.)


3 thoughts on “Buyin A Bus

  1. Uh; after reading all that, gotta think that SOMEWHERE in that “flyover” state of yours you could of gone to one them thar “leg breakers” for a loan and gotten it a helluva lot quicker then the pain ‘n anguish you went through with that gawdawful banker ? I’m just sayin’…………………….


    • Well y’know what they say “all the gold in California is in a bank in Beverly Hills, in someone else’s name.” See if’n you can figure that one out? You get some rain?


  2. Ma Nature in her wisdom, is supposed to bring us “left coasters” i.e. the San Joaquin Valley 50 mph winds and about 2-4 inches of rain Wednesday thru Saturday. Really don’t want that wind as it causes more havoc then the rain does; least ways where we live. The rain however certainly will benefit the farmers (or as we all know “the corporations) of various crops that have suffered over the past three years.


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