“Just so you’ll know.” Deborah on Everyone Loves Raymond used to say that all the time, really cracked me up. This morning I am wondering about a couple of things. It seems to me that my life for some strange reason is now defined by events “that are supposed to happen, but somehow, never do” and that often bothers me. Like this Malware thing that was supposed to take off yesterday, it did not happen here. Last night I did not catch the national news, and this morning, so far, it was a non-event. All of my clocks are running on time, and the little lite on the micro-wave is not blinking.
So here is the ever present question in 2012 … What’s up with that?
Weatherman is wrong more than he is right this year, all of these things that I hear about (often impending doom) just do not materialize. Just like this Mayan calendar thing, what happened with that, who are the people that keep selling all of this jazz to us. I wish they would stop.
But there is a bright side, there is always a bright side.
I understand that the lawmakers in Kansas have in their infinite wisdom, decided to make Toto the official state dog of that state. Yes boys & girls, Toto, the little cairn terrier, the little breed of Dorothy’s dog in The Wizard of Oz, is the official state dog of Kansas.
Another thing that is bothering me is Email, I often get a lot of it, this morning it was all bad news. Two of my old school chums have developed cancer and they are not going to be at the next reunion. Last time it was someone I knew and grew up with, dying in a motorcycle accident, and it goes on and on. All of these kids starving somewhere I cannot find on a map, and I am being asked to save them.
I am so tired of bad news.
It would be better to hear of something like this. For more than twenty-five years, customers at Fat Smitty’s Cafe in Washington have been plastering the walls with dollar bills. A lot of places do this, I have been in several over the years. When he enlisted the local boy scout troop to help him take the money down, and then give it to a charity, they welcomed the challenge.
Last week he discovered that over the years, the patrons had put up something like $10,000 in cash. The money went to a local children’s hospital in the area.
Here is another snippet of good news. You are now safe from a threat “to destroy America.” A British tourist was handcuffed and barred from entering the U.S. because had tweeted that he planned to “destroy America.” When arrested he tried to explain to the authorities that this was current slang where he lived and it meant to “party quite hard in” America.
But they did not buy it (You have to remember here he is talking to airport scanners, and we all know about them by now, don’t we?) after his explanation, they simply told him, “You’ve really F _____ up with that boy.” Is this a great country or what? I feel so protected. Kind of makes me wonder, “who is it that read our tweets and supposedly private Emails, and don’t they have something more important to do?”
So that is about it for Tuesday, please stop sending me all of this negative Email, and telling me the world is going to end. All of you whank-ho’s who how have come up with various scenarios for global catastrophe.
Keep it to yourselves. I am not sitting around here in at my Goat Farm in Oklahoma, waiting on massive earthquakes and tsunamis, the eruption of a super volcano, and the sudden reversal of the earth’s poles. Send all of that to Charlie Sheen or Tom Cruise.
I like the one theory that a rogue planet named Nibiru, or “Planet X” is hidden behind the sun and will emerge and collide with Earth later this year. Here is another one you can file along with the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus and UFO’s. Can you imagine the tan lines you would have if you spent all of your time hiding behind the sun?
Not to be deterred, there is another supposed deity named planet, Eris. NASA dismissed Nibiru as an internet hoax, and explained that while a dwarf planet named Eris does exist at the edge of the solar system, its distant orbit precludes any collision with Earth. I don’t know exactly how far it might be, but smart money says you would go bankrupt trying to buy enough gasoline to get you there, so don’t worry about it.
So unless a solar storm surges and affects Earth, screwing up Sat. Radio and not allowing any of us to hear the ballgame. I think we are all going to be okay. We will be sitting here waiting on rain that is never going to arrive, in front of our computers that do not work because they all have Malware, anticipating with great anxiety and trepidation Christmas 2012 and our free gift of a Mayan Calendar.
I can hardly wait.
(One more thing, “if any of you have a good modern day working definition of the word Whank-ho’s please Email it to me. Thanks.)
Please make all checks and/or M.O. payable to BoxcarOkie, we will take care of the rest of it … Trust me.