Aint The Lotto Grand

Someone in the next couple of days is going to be richer to the tune of an estimated $600 Million Dollars.  At least that is what my electronic news service is telling me.  The “Big One” is happening again on the Lotto, Mega Millions to be specific and someone will basking in some new found prosperity this week.

As I am never all that lucky, I will never know what it feels like to win literally millions of dollars, but I can dream.  Which is basically what you are doing when you purchase a lottery ticket.  You are purchasing the right to dream about what it would be like to have ALL THAT MONEY in your hot little hands.

You win the Lotto and you either quit your job or you don’t?  Because now that you are rich, the only thing you have to do is sit around an count your money.  You no longer need a place to “hang around” all day long, so you pick up your phone and call your boss of 33 years and deftly tell him ….. “I won’t be in today, tomorrow, or for that matter, a week from never.”

Isn’t the Lotto grand?

Now you are able to fill out all your spare time playing golf and cards, laying out by the pool and buying lunch for all “your new found friends.”  After a short period of time, you notice that no one ever offers to buy your lunch, but you don’t care.  You begin to wonder if people like you or the free lunches? 

You go to the mall three times a week, but you shop only for essentials.  The little things in this world that will improve the quality of life.  An electric dog polisher, a pair of fur lined house slippers.  When you exit the room, you never turn off the light, what for?  You are rich, you don’t have to worry about little things anymore.

Life is good.  Aint the Lotto Grand?

You put on your best flowery-I-got-this-in-Maui-Shirt, load up in your jet black Lexus with the cellular phone and head out for the country club.  In a short while you resemble an ad for skin cancer and when someone says “Morning” the first word that comes to mind is “Lunch.”  You find yourself missing all those people you used to work with, those guys who wore socks with their shoes.

You soon find out that having money is neat and there are a lot of positive things that come with it.  All the negative things did not disappear; they just don’t seem so important now, almost trivial in most respects.

I have even heard stories of people who won millions, but did NOT quit their respective jobs.  Incredible.  If you did not quit your job, then it could possibly get worse.  Your co-workers after welcoming you back to the job (You are going to take an extended vacation with all that money aren’t you?) begin to slowly resent you.

Why work? 

Now that you have all that money, you notice that people change.  Your supervisor at work is especially “gnarly” now …. He is smarter than you (tells you all the time right?) that is why they’re your superiors, why should you have 1,000 times MORE money than them.  They begin to look at you somewhat differently each day.  The begin giving you all the lousy details, the curu7mmy jobs, your chances for promotion go right out the proverbial working window that you have been shooting for all these years.

In your dream, you begin to wonder why it is that you even bother to come in, and “on time” of top of all that?  When you do show up, for the fun of it, you drag your car keys down the side of your bosses car ….. while he is sitting in it.  No Big Deal.

If there is a slow down, then all your co-workers begin to get nasty.  What right has he/she to take up a good job with all that money?  They begin to shun you at the water cooler each day.  You begin to wonder to yourself, “Is it my deodorant?  Or that ugly rash under my right arm?”  But we all know it is the MONEY.  So, eventually, one way or another, you wind up at the Country Club in your best flowery-I-got-this-in-Maui-Shirt sitting by yourself, alone, in the corner.

So you get the first check, the “Big One” after taxes.  The money starts to trickle down to the rest of the family.  The kid’s start doing badly in school, what the point of being smart if they’re already rich?  If they have finished school, they quit their jobs.  Soon they lose all ambition and become bums, just like their parents.

Aint the Lotto Grand?

But because even tho’ you have all this money, you still have values, so you don’t give them any of it.  (I really like this part of the dream!)  They in turn begin to hate you, because you are cheap.  But they are sly about it, they hate you on the side, because in this background they are all jockeying to become executor of your estate.  A position that they can hardly wait to fill, unfortunately for you.

There are other added benefits too. 

You come home from your hard day at the Country Club and your answering machine is filled with messages from salesman, promoters, charity fund raisers, Save The Whales, Oregon Loggers Association, long lost relatives you have not see in twelve long years.  There is believe it or not, a message from High School Classmate Harold, who is suddenly ready to renew or rekindle old friendships.  This is the same guy who made your life miserable in the showers after Gym Class.  Who used to hang around your locker or the parking lot after to school, just to beat you up.

You get an unlisted phone ….. Aint the Lotto Grand?

You sit there by yourself, and you think of Buddy Post who won $16.2 million in the Lottery.  (Incidentally, if I had won $16.2 million and my name was Buddy Post, the first thing I would do with the money, is buy me a new name.)  He never had a mortgage or credit card debt before this. 

How sad.

Thousands of American’s have this particular problem, but not millions of dollars with which to ease the pain from month to month.  Can you relate to this, what I am speaking of here people?  Buddy says that he is depressed because his brother was charged with plotting to kill him to get what was left of the prize money.  Woe to me Maria!  I had no pressure.  I didn’t have the worries before this. If you have not won the lotto lately (which is the case for MOST of us SUCKERS) you think Buddy has the IQ of say ….. room temperature … and offer to take all of his problems off his hands, for a reasonable amount of money. 

Like “$16.2 Million dollars!”

But we are talking winners here, and we are winners in this dream.  You bought the ticket, it is your dream, don’t forget that.  So, on top of all your other problems, you move.  Hey?  You are a winner, you are not required to live in a dump like this, right?  So you move to a bigger house, in a fancier neighborhood, where those little lawn sprinklers pop out of the lawn, twice a day to do their thing.  A place where people actually tie little red ribbons on their dogs ears, and the brick mailboxes are roughly the size of a small to medium two bedroom house.  We are talking a NICE neighborhood here people, where neighbor’s do not bother to argue with each other when they disagree, they just let a live gopher out on the other guy’s lawn.

You are rich! 

You are not going outside to mow the lawn, or stand there in the cool of the evening with your best Sears & Roebucks (guaranteed for life) 5/8-no kink-garden house with the solid brass nozzle.  No one is going to see you there, in your bought a K-Mart shorts, cheap imitation knock off tennis shoes, watering the crab grass.  You can hire an undocumented worker to do that for you now.

So you don’t meet anyone, and of course, you are now living in a neighborhood where you don’t really know anyone.  You don’t meet anyone new, because you have become suspicious of strangers, you’re afraid the want something from you.  Mainly money.  You find yourself sitting in this big house, alone, where the phone no longer rings and no friends come by to see you, and you realize that your children hate you (you didn’t share the money remember?).  Now I ask you, “how long can a marriage survive under these circumstances?”  Not long.

Before you know it you’re paying a lawyer a fortune to keep your spouse from getting “half of the Lotto Money” when it was she/he who laughed at you for buying the winning ticket anyway.  Soon you see half of your fortune floating away, and you end up paying for BOTH lawyers.  Things start going downhill.

You start hiring people to have lunch with you.  You start looking for a little companionship in this cold, cruel world.  You put on your best Flowery-I-Got0This-In-Maui-shirt, and head out for Las Vegas, Nevada.  Bad Move.  This is like throwing a pork chop into the center of a weight watchers meeting on a Thursday night!  You come home from Vegas utterly dejected with a bad cash flow problem.

So there you sit.  Mr. Winner, in your rumpus room that is roughly the size of an aircraft carrier, eating “hot wangs” from Kentucky Fried Chicken  and picking out only the green M&M’s out of the bowl, because they taste better.  You think to yourself, “Gee, I sure am lucky to have won all that MONEY.  After all the odds of being hit by lightening were much better.”  It begins to rain, you walk across the room to shut the window and you get hit by lightning!

Naw, I don’t need no multi-million dollar payoff.  Bowl of Frito’s, some dip and cable TV is all I need.  $600 Million Dollars?  Wonder what kind of life that would bring?

Oh well, I have my total word count up for the day (1753) ….. I will see you later.


6 thoughts on “Aint The Lotto Grand

  1. I loved it!


  2. Laughs…It would make my day to win those millions, if only I would play!


  3. Sitting on my newly purchased lotto ticket, and the draw 3 minutes away, I am wondering if it really was the smartest move. I have to hope that somewhere along the way, a winner is chosen that has a real desire for big change. I think I would tackle education, and leave the rest of the money to sit. Is it possible to hide the win from small children… that’s the only part of the dream that really scares me. Something to ponder. Thanks.


    • Americans spent nearly $1.5 billion for a chance to hit the jackpot. Thousands of players — who converged on convenience stores in 42 states and Washington, D.C., where Mega Millions tickets are sold — didn’t mind that they were 50 times as likely to get struck by lightning; about 8,000 times more likely to be murdered; and about 20,000 times more likely to die in a car crash than hit the lucky numbers.

      We had “one” the number twenty-three.



    • We had “two” number 2’s.
      Aint the Lotto grand?


    • Believe I have it figured out. They roll the numbers too fast, it doesn’t give you an appropriate amount of time to “wish on them.”



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