They’re Gonna Love Me At The Home

Wednesday!  Hump Day for a five day a week wage slave working for min. wage in the Great State Of Oklahoma.

This new routine I have established, certainly is working in my favor.  Even all the sorry news in the headlines are not bothering me at all.  It has been nice … But every now and then you just got to WRITE SOMETHING I suppose. 

In Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys. 

A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who “totally zoned when he ran”, accidentally jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run. 
 In Los Angeles they say “it is ten P.M. are the children in bed?” in Okie City, they say “It’s ten O’clock Y’all get them youngin’s tucked in.” and in Salt Lake City they say …. “Its ten P.M. does anyone know what time it is?” 

Incredible week on tap.  Things just kind of slip-by as you grow older.

When we get older we think differently, don’t we? I don’t care for the expression “Senior Citizen” being applied to me, I would of course prefer something more modern and up to date for my descriptive moniker. 

Something like …. Recycled Teenager … Yeah, I like that.  I like that okay.

This letter was sent to the Principal’s office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. An elderly lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize and was writing to say thank you. This story is a credit to all humankind.

Dear Kean Elementary:

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Sprenger Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it’s nice to know that someone is thinking of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady. My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio, but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping.

The other day her radio fell off the night stand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. Her distress over the broken radio touched me and I knew this was God’s way of answering my prayers. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to kiss my a**.

Thank you for that opportunity.

One of my favorite movies was on this past weekend, The D.I. (The Drill Instructor) starring Jack Webb.  It is a classic in every sense of the word, and I am a sucker for it, every time it comes on, I sit back and watch it repeatedly, over and over.  It is the Dancin’ With Wolves of the Military affectionados.  Full Metal Jacket is another one, it was on Saturday and Sunday was the D.I. so it was a good weekend for me.

Which reminded me of this.

 A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

“Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?”

“Negative, ma’am. Just serious by nature.”

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, “It looks like you have seen a lot of action.”

“Yes, ma’am, a lot of action.”

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, “You know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself.”

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.  Finally the young lady said, “You know, I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?”

“1955, ma’am.”

“Well, there you are. No wonder you’re so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955!  She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to “relax” him several times.  Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, “Wow, you sure didn’t forget much since 1955.”

The Sergeant Major said, after glancing at his watch, “I hope not; it’s only 2130 now.”

(Gotta love military time)

No good huh?

Okay, how about this?  This is my neighbor, she lives right up the road.

I can see her house from my living room.  I watched as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised when she walked across the street and up my driveway.  She knocked on my door…I rushed to open it.  She looks at me, and says, “I just got home, and I am so horny! I have this strong urge to have a good time tonight, I feel like I might want to get drunk, and make love all night long! Are you busy tonight?”

I immediately replied, “Nope, I’m free… I have no plans at all!”

Then she said, “Good!  In that case, could you watch my dog?

Now if you will excuse me, I have to go to Walmart and pick up these things that are evidently needed in our home, according to the list, I found on the kitchen counter this morning.  Perhaps I will get lucky and be the fourth person deep in the express line and get to guess what the people who’s credit card will not approve the sale are going to let go of (items they will have to put back so that they might leave). 

Undoubtedly, hands down, one of my favorite games to play while at WalMart, this and “where did I put my driver’s lic. it was just here the other day?

Like I said … IT’S NO FUN GETTING OLD … And they are just going to LOVE ME at the home.


Related:  Four Blue Hills  Tell Me This Won’t Happen To Us.



4 thoughts on “They’re Gonna Love Me At The Home

  1. Thanks SO much for the grins and giggles before I go to bed. You have so great ones here! All of them! But the elderly ladies with the radio really got me laughing.


  2. Methinks that after that “backhanded” slap by your “young lady” neighbor, said moniker of Senior Citizen or Recycled Teenager would now apply, sad as it may be !!!


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