For some strange reason, sex has been the hot button topic in the mailbox the last week or two. Even find it on wordpress or rather the “promise of it” but it did not materialize. Here is one. Blogging tips: (http://ashleyjillian.com/2011/11/24/blogging-tips-delivered-sex/) Those blogging tip articles written by self-proclaimed social media gurus are as stuffy and stale as the awful suites they wear to work. These are from a 23 year-old who wears Levi’s and bright orange Ray Bans, so take them as you will. (Dear Levi’s and Ray Bans, e-mail me) There is a special prize at the end of this post.
Wow, the main body consisted of almost 2,000 words (1,949) and when you add in the comments (about 75), that jacks it up to almost 7,000 (6,425) words. That is a lot of stuff to get through even on a good day. (And I thought MY posts were long in the tooth?) Incidentally, there was no prize at the end of the post that could be seen, not that it isn’t all that important, there was no sex either. Maybe it is just being desperate to get your hit count up for the day, but I don’t understand it.
Here is another.
A Zimbabwean man arrested for having sex with a donkey told the court the animal was a shape-shifting human prostitute. He claimed he paid $20 to a woman he met in a nightclub, and that at some point after leaving the club she must have transformed herself into a donkey and tied herself to a tree. “Your worship” he told the judge, “I only came to know that I was being intimate with a donkey when I got arrested.”
Uh yeah, sure.
Must be a week for poor sex etiquette and questionable emails? I also got this one which was said to have been in the Washington Post… which I really cannot believe. The title of the article was ‘Best Come Back Line Ever.’ In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white male, in a pumpkin patch 11:38 p.m. on Friday night.
On Monday, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication.
The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session he decided to stop. You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside and there was no one around for miles ‘or at least I thought there wasn’t anyone around’, he stated in a telephone interview.
Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it and proceeded to satisfy his alleged need. ‘Guess I was really into it, you know?’ he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him.
It was an unusual situation, that’s for sure,’ said Officer Taylor. ‘I walked up to Lawrence and he’s just banging away at this pumpkin.’ Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence. I said, ‘Excuse me sir but do you realize that you’re having sex with a pumpkin? He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there and then he looked me straight in the face and said… ‘A pumpkin? Damn! …. Is it midnight already?’
More sex? Why not?
Did you know that the German Catholic Church is a leading purveyor of smut. Last month a book industry newsletter broke the news, that germany’s largest bookseller, Welbild, is wholly owned by the Catholic Church. One of its best selling subsidiaries is Blue Panther Books, an erotica imprint that carries titles such as ____ Boarding School, Lawyer’s Whore, and F—-kable. (Blanks are optional) They also earn a lot of money printing up regular issues that covet magic, satanism and print regular commentaries from well known atheists. So it appears that in Germany, the church is still busy preaching chastity and at the same time selling porn.
A kid moves to a new town, enrolls in school and begins life a new. One day at his locker, a hot blond from his history class comes up to him and says, “You want to take me to the drive-in tonight, I will show you a little piece of heaven.”
So he says, “You bet.”
After school, he trots down to the local drugstore and discretely asks the druggist, “I am new in town, and I have this hot date tonight, but I don’t have any protection, can you sell me some condoms?” The druggist thinks about it a little, and remembers his now long forgotten youth, says, “What the hey?” and sells the kid the condoms.
That night he drives over to the girls house to pick her up and she invites him into the living-room to meet the family. They are all sitting around a table playing a popular board game.
The boy exclaims, “Monopoly! I am crazy about Monopoly” and he sits down and plays for the next three hours with the family.
Later on, as he is walking out to the car, the blond girl goes with him and says, “Man, I had you figured all wrong. I thought you were somebody, but all you want to do is sit around and play Monopoly when I was all set to show you a good time?”
He looks at her, and says, “Yeah? Well, that was before I found out your Dad was a druggist.”
So much for the early 2012 sex report.