Put Some Zest In Your Life …

Been having a lot of problems with commercials here lately.  I don’t understand them at all, they must feel that we are a Happy Meal short of french fries or something.  (I hear now that they have a new Happy Meal they are serving in Oakland California … The Happy To Be Alive Meal)  Slowly but surely I am reaching my tolerance level on this current round of television commercials.

As it is a slow day here at the goat farm, I will point out or illustrate a few examples for you.

Verizon …Which is not to be confused with Horizon … two different things y’all.  Huge airplane, a stormy dark, mysterious looking sky.  I see three guys, each carrying a bright shiny ball of some sort, running to the back of a C-130 at a horrendous height above mother earth.  They all voluntarily bail out the rear of this plane and head downward, hurtling thru space at an incredible speed, carrying their shiny light things, and then the entire country lights up with noticeable intensity and power …. then a notice … “Do Not Try This” flashes onto the screen.

No problem.  Rented a C-130 lately.  Anyone?  Anyone?

Thought so.

Fabreeze, here is another one for you.  Gets out 75% of smells and odors, in the new sweet citrus and zest scent.  Now I am kind of worried about the 25% that gets through, what in the world could that possibly smell like?  And this “zest” what is that exactly?  In the masculine sense it just does not work, “Hey did you smell the zest on that guy?  Wonder how long he has gone without a shower?” or “Karl was asked to not come into the locker room after 18 holes, as other members complained about his zest.”

Cut away … Two duck hunters sitting in a blind in the backwaters of a half-frozen pond in Wisconsin, crack of dawn, one turns to the other and says, “Say Dan, what is that scent you are wearing?” and the other hunter replies, “Well Frank, it is called zest.”  A moment of awkward silence and then … “It smells simply delicious” the other hunter replies, “Why thanks, do you think these waders make my butt look big?  Be honest now.”

I don’t get it.

Click new channel.  Focus in on the sleek, chrome, testosterone filled SUV going down the road at a high rate of speed in what looks like modern day Wyoming or Red Lodge, Montana.  Suddenly for no apparent reason, it leaves the road and swings out into the open wilderness in carefully controlled reckless abandon.  (Figure that one out.)  Sagebrush and dust fill the screen!  The announcer says, “No other SUV will do this!”   Yeah?  Bull, anything and everything will do that, if you say, fall asleep at the wheel or look down to fish out another Gummy Bear out of the bag on the floorboard of the car.  Then it appears …. “Do Not Try This … Professionals.

Again … No problem.

Click new channel.  All these CMT video’s (and most of the situation comedies on television these days) are driving me up the wall.  Where are all the obese people, the people with the apparent weight problems?  Kind of like Bay Watch, the old television show that ran in the late nineties, that always had a beach full of beautiful people.  Running and sunning, not a care in the world, ah life was good.

Where are all these TV people living?  I never see them anywhere.  Where is this mythical population of just well endowed women showing a lot of cleavage.  Come to think of it, where are all the well endowed women showing a lot of cleavage when I go out to the store and to town?  I surely see a lot of overweight people.

I don’t get it.

CMT is also running a commercial for a new T Shirt that effectively removes (pardon the expression) “Butt Cracks.”  I am not making this up people, it is on there.  Here is a new product that will save us from unsightly appendage exposure by providing the wearer of the garment a longer tail on the T Shirt.  Now seriously, what kind of audience are they seeking besides Joe The Plumber of Sarah Palin Fame?

I told you it was a slow day on the Goat Farm … I seem to be on a roll … so here are two more.  Why is the dumb kid in the joke always named “Little Johnny” and the other woman greeted in the supermarket “Jane, and she just cannot believe its not butter?”

(If I tried to spoon feed my bride a piece of toast, she would bust my chops faster than a New York Minute and one more thing, if she ever shows up at the table wearing a sheer semi-transparent nightgown like that … Well flapjacks be dammed … All bets are off!)

And every now and then you come across a commercial that is worth watching, something that not only informs but captivates.  Such as this one, the power of dreams, Citibank …  There are so many adventures in life, that most of us will never come close to experiencing.

Having succeeded in increasing my total word count for the month, and gleefully established myself as a dues paying member of the Dirty Old Man Club,  I shall now make my departure.  This is the end of today’s post … please do not try this at home … as it is clearly apparent that it wasn’t done by a professional and you could possibly hurt yourself.