No Free Lunch In Clark County

How do you know when you are old?

Interesting question, just how is it, that you know that you have changed and you are older?  Is it in the way you walk, the size and girth of your new found stomach, the sprinkling of gray about your temples.  Do you catch yourself running out of breath half-way thru the parlor amour session with the wife in the middle of the night?

What are those familiar signs of aging?  One thing I noticed personally in my case, is my appetite changed, I don’t eat as much as I used to.

When younger, I had a voracious appetite, but these days I tend to fill up rather quickly.  In my youth I ate like a horse, unfortunately, now I kind of resemble one.

The wife and I, used to make what I called regular scheduled runs to Las Vegas to “visit our money” as I put it.  Over the years, that sort of changed too.  Now we go, not so much for the gambling aspect, or the garish surreal glitter of it all, but for the food.

Las Vegas has so many refreshing, change of pace trendy restaurants to eat in, it is simply not funny.

People will be quick to tell you that “everything in Las Vegas is larger than life” and of course, “what happens in ‘Vegas, stays in “Vegas.”  That it is the “money capitol of the world” and all that jazz.  I have found at times it was entirely possible to go thru large sums of serious money in this town, that is a given.  A lot of that certainly applies now for the meals, Las Vegas now routinely posts the priciest tabs for a meal on average, of any city in the U.S..

Just for a moment, stop and consider the logistics of it all.

A city of close to 4 million, in the midst of a arid, dry desert, in the geographical center of nowhere, in one of the most inhospitable regions of the country.  And everything that they eat, consume, use or build has to be hauled in.  So it should come as no small wonder that the cheap buffet and the Steak and Eggs breakfast for next to nothing are now long gone.

Having just returned from another trip to our favorite adult amusement center, this past summer, we can testify that it is all there ripe and ready for the taking.  Bring your appetite and your credit card, put the feed bag on as my Daddy is fond of saying.  You still can have it your way at just about any hour of the day or night.  Just depends on your tastes, whether it be steak or lobster, a crisp taco on the side … you can find it all in Las Vegas, the only glitch is, “you won’t find it for free.”

A couple went for a meal at a Chinese restaurant on The Strip and ordered the “Chicken Surprise.”  The waiter brought the meal, served in a cast iron pot with a lid.  Just as the wife was about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rose slightly and she caught a brief glance of two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slammed back down.

“Good grief, did you see that?” she asked her husband.

He hadn’t, so she asked him to look in the pot.  He reached for it and again the lid rose, and he saw two little eyes looking around before it slammed back down.  Rather perturbed, he called the waiter over, explained what was happening, and demanded an explanation.

“Excuse please,” said the waiter, “what you order?”

The husband replied, “Chicken Surprise.”

“So sorry,” said the waiter, “My mistake… I bring you Peeking Duck!”

Last day of the month, we can put this one in the can.  Tune in tomorrow and we will tell you the easiest way we have found to remove the cap from a bottle of Snapple … When you reach my age, you need every break you can get.

OOO

Too Ambitious

Strong powers of concentration.

New York Public Library officials announced that viewing Internet porn on library computers is a constitutional right and is protected by the First Amendment.  Even they say “if the groaning disturbs other patrons in the library”

In other words, you can watch whatever you want in the New York Public Library.

Have you ever wondered which state has the highest subscription rate to online porn?  (I am sure this is a popular topic around the water cooler on Monday mornings … “Say Stan, have you noticed all the body hair is now gone?”)  Believe it or not, the state with the highest number of porn subscriptions is Utah, the home of Orrin Hatch that marvelous guy in Washington who hates just about everything across the board.

So sneaky readers or perverse consumers of evil … Word of caution.

In Oklahoma, if caught, you will immediately be taken to a fresh plowed field of winter wheat, stripped, laid down, your butt tickled with a fresh cut barley weed and then summarily whipped with a half-limp-wet noodle.  “We don’t put up with that kind of ____ around here” was the exact quote I believe.  There is even more, we don’t seem to have much tolerance for the things of life in Oklahoma.  Here are few.

So be advised, use a little common sense for cryin’ out loud!  If you are posting this kind of naked-body-hairless stuff on your phone or webpage (sexting) always wear the monkey mask, that should give you some kind of protection and keep your identity safe (anon).

Don't do this at the library

Flying Jackie Chan

Hong Kong Airlines announced it is requiring its flight attendants to learn Wing-Chug a form of Kung Fu, to subdue unruly passengers.  “In the event” you have too many cocktails, they are instructed to slap your sorry butt back into your seat and immediately end your Barry Manilow karaoke session in business class post-haste.  Thank you for choosing Hong Kong Airlines.

Taxes …. Should the rich pay more?

Here is my take on it.  No.  If I can figure it out, you would think they could.  Believe it or not, the top 1% are paying 32% of the load.  Calling for more ruinous taxes on workers and success, destroys “the fundamental promise of America” itself.  My biggest fear, my #1 nightmare I could think of is “outliving my income” now that would be nasty.  It used to be walking in the dark, nude, and then backing into a buttered doorknob.

It must be true, I read it on the Internet.

The penguin keeper at a zoo in Germany had to stop wearing his favorite black and white rubber boots after a male penguin fell in love with them.  The penguin, known as Bonaparte, has been obsessed with his keeper’s boots since the start of mating season, evidently mistaking them for a female.

He would nuzzle them passionately and the keeper had to switch to blue colored boots until Bonaparte finds a flesh and blood mate.  Penguins are monogamous in nature, so it was the safe thing to do, switch boots, so he could move on.  I had the same problem with a guy I met on the beach in San Francisco the summer of 2006 while on vacation.

Where Are The Jobs?

This morning I am reading of a girl in LA who submitted 15 resumes last week and no replies.  Then when she signs up for unemployment they tell her she is “overly ambitious” because she wants to work at anything … even min. wage … she is told she is “overqualified” with a college education.  All this New World Global Economy stuff has me really concerned.  Our priorities are all wrong.  Kind of strange when you stop and think about all this non-sense or non-action going on right now concerning the unemployed and the down and out.

If nine fully loaded jumbo Jets crashed every year, something would be done about it.  Every year more than 4,000 teenagers die in car crashes.  We send children to bed hungry every night in this country, one in five Americans is now on food stamps.  We build roads and bridges in countries where most people ride a donkey to town and you cannot locate this place on a map or globe on any given day.  Still no one can find work.

Here is a novel idea:

Upgrade our nation’s roads, bridges, and other basic infrastructure:

18,000 new jobs for every $1 billion invested.

We need to tell our friends in Washington (what few we have left) that coming together is a beginning.  Keeping together is progress.  Working together is Success.  Try and remember that boys N girls, the next time you draft all this mind numbing legislation that frankly is getting us nowhere.

Year after year these clowns do this to us and WE allow it.  Sure makes a guy wonder why he even bothers to vote.

And if you vote for me …… Uh huh, sure.

OOO

Cartoon courtesy of Center for American Progress

Junk Food Junkie

Well-well, the day after-the day after-Thanksgiving, most of us are done stuffing groceries down our neck, some of the women folk are back from the sales.  Probably safe to say a few of the guys are now recovering from a full blown highly charged cheering almost comatose viewing of the NFL on just about any channel on TV over the weekend.  In some states, if your husband watches more than four NFL games back to back?  You can have him declared “Legally Dead.”

Me?

This afternoon I find myself standing in the lobby of the Burger King, on another “shop until I drop mission” to town (she shops … I usually nap in the truck)  Carefully I survey the area.  After ensuring that my personal health care professional was nowhere to be found, I bravely step up to the counter and place my order with the kid.  He is young, bright and attentive, no open sores that I can see, this might just be my day?

I had something that I am not supposed to have today.  It was good, it had been a long time since I had one of these.  I had a Cheeseburger and an order of fries, number three washtub sized Diet Doctor Pepper.

It was sinfully delicious and I enjoyed every bite of it.

How do you justify irrational behavior like this?  Doing something that you know is wrong and you should not do.  In my case, I just try to locate someone who is worse off than myself, and that sort of justifies it (for me anyway).

Like Joey Jaws’ Chestnut the most recent winner of the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest in New York held each year at Coney Island.  Joey wolfed down 62 hot dogs in just a little under 10 minutes time.  He also won the lottery on bad cholesterol and other not so nice items the human body is not supposed to have.  His binge loaded up his digestive and cardiovascular systems with 19,158 calories, 1,246 grams of fat, 2,170 grams of cholesterol, and 42,408 milligrams of sodium.

At least I skipped the Apple Pie. 

And that was not all that easy to do believe me. 

They are pimping them off two for a dollar now …

And these days there aint a whole lot of value in a dollar.

Face it, we eat a lot, over the last three decades, Americans have gone from 3.8 meals per day to an average of 4.9 meals daily.  (Now don’t ask me about that, I am still trying to figure out what those 2.5 children per family look like from the last census report.)

You hear the one about the Census taker that goes up to the house and he is interviewing the woman who lives there and he says, “How many children do you have?” and she says, “Well, there is William, Martha, Peter, Charles, Billy, Donna and …. “ just then the census taker interrupts her and says, “What is the number?”  She looks at him, square in the eye and replies … “Well hell, we aint run outta names yet!

But I digress … I am sorry.

Pass me some of them tharr biscuits to help me sop up this gravy!

The average American now consumes 2,376 calories per day which is about 32 percent more since the 70’s.  And I was hammering down Twinkie’s and Ding Dongs like they were going out of style in those days.

Truth is, everything you eat is going to hurt you in some way, the trick is to find those things that are worth suffering for.  It appears that in my unique circumstance it is going to be a Cheeseburger every now and then.  I have become friends with my fat, and that is the end of the story.

Gotta run I understand that Paula Deen is on the Food Channel later on today and they are doing a road-kill Armadillo (Tastes Just Like Chicken Y’all).  Umm .. mmm Yummy, don’t want to miss that.

OOO

A Typical Person

Not being all that comfortable with tooting my own whistle, I will make this short and sweet.  Just wanted to share it with all of you.  From time to time, we get lucky and something happens that is memorable, you write a piece that will strike a familiar chord with others, and it gets notice and is reviewed and I suppose passed around the net.

This happened this week on Creative Endeavors, well actually several things happened.

A Moment In Time proved to be really popular with folks this weekend, starting off with 200 hits on the first day.  The second day it was generating upwards of 800 views per day, which is good.  Right now as I write this, it is currently receiving about 300 hits per hour (about 600 today) and that is encouraging to say the least.  On a daily basis we usually see 100-150 new folks, this is having a profound impact on our daily visitor numbers.  It is has seemingly overnight become our #2 most popular post.

Having no idea how long this will last, we are now just sitting back resting a little and enjoying our moment in the sun.  For all of you who read it, then passed it on, thanks.

On the same day, Creative Endeavors was also highlighted on Blogs of Oklahoma, which was cool.

No joke, blogging on a daily basis can be tiring, frustrating, things often seem really tough and discouraging.  But you can do it, you can persevere and eventually something will come your way.  This week showed me that Fresh Pressed aint that big of a deal, that you can still get out there and make a difference and you don’t have to be Fresh Pressed to do it.  It also illustrates that WordPress.com is the perfect platform for a messenger to deliver the message to our world.  That friends is just fine with me … As my Daddy used to say … “Donnie … Even a blind hog can find an acorn every now and then.

Here is proof of it right here.  No cavalcades, no parade, no award, just a little pat on the back for a Typical Person * or your average guy.

So Hang in there … Keep choppin’ and watch where the chips fly … If we can do it, so can you.

(Thanks again for stoppin by our little old watering hole)

OOO

*The link Typical Person is really cool, check it out for sure.

Sunshine Sunday


Don’t forget to pray today …

Because God did not forget to wake you up this morning.

Don’t give me another Black Friday …

Give me a Sunshine Sunday instead …

To comfort my soul and make me feel warm inside …

Another glorious day to try and make my world circumspect …

One more shot at getting it right.


OOO

Winner and Losers

This morning I am watching the news (I seldom do this) because I was curious as to how this Black Friday Thing went down.  It was kind of disheartening, almost to the point of downright revolting. 

Seeing all of these people pushing and shoving to get inside a store to buy the latest, the newest, the best of the rest, well it was just was a sorry spectacle of events.  Fistfights, people pushing and shoving like animals, arrests and pepper spray … Attention WalMart shoppers evacuate the building!

It is my understanding that the retailers are going to have a beneficial reward from all of this, increased sales and more money in the till.  But to me, a casual observer it made me ashamed I was an American, almost to the point of wishing I was not a member of the human race, a proud species with opposing thumbs. 

If this is the best we have to offer, then maybe it is time to stop the bus and let me off.

It is getting hard, dog-gone hard to find a winner any more.  I set out on my daily trek across CyberLand and found this one from Blogging:  Why I Don’t Worry About People Subscribing To My Blog 11-26-2011

“Subscribing to even one blog, that updates frequently, is like signing up to get spam. It’s spam you presumably want, thus it’s not technically considered spam. But in terms of quantity and value, it winds up having the same (lack of) appeal. And since I don’t care to use feeds, changing my subscriptions to that option is pointless.”

What this author doesn’t seem to understand is this.  You have four basic types of readers on the Internet.  Those who love your stuff, those who pay no attention to your stuff, and those who detest your stuff, and those who send you surly emails to prove it.  Couldn’t be farther from the point, subscribing keeps you on top of what other people are doing and that is what we are all about.  A man wrapped up in himself (his own blog) makes for a pretty small package on most days.

By the way, this blog had “3 subscriptions” so I don’t think they will have to worry about it with content like this.

Sitting in my old trusty comfortable leather chair, the television barks out, “Man wins the lottery seven times!  Tune in after the break to find out his secret.”  I just love it when they “dumb us down like that.”  Turns out that he did NOT win the lottery seven times, he has in the past won large sums of money playing LOTTERY GAMES but he never won the lottery.  You see, the biggest payout he had was $824,000 and as we all know, the lottery (if you are the winner) pays out in the “millions of dollars” so it is safe to say, he never won the lottery.

His winning strategy?

Set a budget to play the lottery (yes, he actually said this) and do not use the grocery money.  Play ONE GAME only (Scratch off tickets) and stick with that game (note:  scratch off tickets, are usually huge losers most of the time) and NEVER use quick picks (note: the largest percentage of lottery winners, are from quick picks).  He also went on to say “I drive a big fancy car, live in a huge wonderful house, have plenty of money and we take a lot of cruises.”  So what do you think he is going to want to talk about, when he plops down next to you on the promenade deck, and unfolds his deck chair?

Nope, it is not working here, dear old late breaking, live on five … I am not taking this advice to the bank.

Speaking of banks?  (Nice blend eh?  Yeah I know, on some days I just cannot help it, just a natural flow to it)  Speaking of banks?  A hooded robber burst into a Texas bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash.

On his way out the door, a brave Texas customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off revealing the robbers face.

The robber shot the customer without a moment’s hesitation. He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him. The robber instantly shot him also.  Everyone in the bank, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence.

The robber yelled, “Well did anyone else see my face?”

There are a few moments of utter silence in which everyone was plainly too afraid to speak. Then one old cowboy named Bill from Oklahoma slowly raised hand and said, “I think my wife got a pretty good look at ya.”

Winners and Losers, Black Friday, life such as it is this day. 

I am going to keep putting out my Spam and hope that some find it interesting enough to cop a subscription because that is what the wordpress community is all about … sharing. 

I am going to keep playing the Lottery, I don’t want to be stinkin rich, but I would not mind smelling bad. 

Best Buy has NOTHING I am willing to spend the night sleeping on concrete for. 

Money-Money-Money … It’s the new American Dream

Not real sure which category that puts me in, but rest assured, whatever it is, I can live with it. I am fairly confident at this point in the game, that I know which side of the bread the butter is on. 

OOO

Not Quite Quotes

Greetings to you this miserable and somewhat cold after Thanksgiving Saturday.   Let us hope that you are well and in good spirits this day and with family? 

My grandmother, bless her heart, used to tell me as she was cleaning up the Thanksgiving table, “Hold on to your fork Donnie, the best is yet to come (desert).”  It was one of those wonderful things that she said and did that I have kept in memory of her.

She is gone now, she went on to be with the Lord a long time ago, and although she has died and is no longer with us, I still think of her often. 

So this week, I have hung onto the best until last, and today I thought I would share it with all of you.

I have been following a blog that I found interesting, it is entitled

I’ve Become My Parents. 

“I didn’t see it coming and I don’t know when the process was finally complete. I shouldn’t be surprised. But here I am looking in the mirror, and there they are looking back at me.  I don’t know why it scares us so much to look at our folks and say “that’ll be me some day”.”

Some time back I copped a link (following) and have been checking in from time to time to see what the offering might be.  I must admit, I am seldom (if ever) disappointed.  Here is a sampling for you.

Not Quite Quotes from I’ve Become My Parents:

If you love somebody, set them free. If they return, you probably owe them money.
Do not dwell in the past…unless the present really sucks.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. It’s just that some beholders have better taste than others.
Winning isn’t everything, it’s the only thing.Unless you prefer to stay married.
Honesty is the best policy. Unless you prefer to stay married.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry. Unless you prefer to stay married.

He who fails to plan, plans to marry someone who’s a better planner.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice and I’ll slash your tires.
You snooze, you lose. But you’ll be well-rested so there’s that.
To err is human. To admit it is divine.

People who live in glass houses should not throw my grandmother’s fruitcake.
Time waits for no man. Except my son, over whom time has no control whatsoever.
Life is a give and take. I’ll give you my opinion and you’ll take it without question. ‘Kay?
Tis better to give than to receive fruitcake.

A rose by any other name still makes me sneeze.
Success is to be measured not so much by the position one has reached in life as by the obstacles he has put in front of his competition.
You can have my grandma’s fruitcake and eat it too. It’ll be at least a month before it’s digested.
People with kidney stones should not run in glass houses.

He who laughs last is probably alone because he’s so obnoxious that everyone else has left.
Be the change you want to see in the world. Unless the change has to do with diapers because that would be weird.
To each his own. Unless it’s chocolate, then you share with me.
Birds of a feather are pretty much the only kind of birds.

Don’t count your chickens before you decide what to have for breakfast.
Life is like a box of chocolates: there are always too many nuts.
Hey Early Bird, you can have the worm, just don’t wake me on your way out the door.
My personal favorite:  When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Unless your lemons are metaphorical; then you’re screwed. Sorry.

Might add one to the list:  Friends don’t give friends fruitcakes. 

If you have a little time on your plate today and you are still not full … trot over to I’ve Become My Parents for a taste of some good stuff.    Make a visit today to this wordpress site … You won’t be disappointed.

OOO