Everything I Love Is Killing Me

Went to the doctor this week, well actually, have been to the doctor twice in just over ten days now.  Which if you are a normal person, is never a pleasant sort of experience. 

Doctor’s it seems never have any good news for you, they always want to take from you something that you enjoy immensely or have grown quite fond of over the years, and replace it with a little salmon colored pink pill.

Such is the case here.

A new page in the book of life has rolled over, and on the very top of the new one, I see “High Blood Pressure.”  This is not really all that new, I have been married to the same woman for over thirty-years and this would give anyone “high blood pressure.”  Come to think of it, she most likely has it too.  If she doesn’t, she aint that far away from it rest assured. You know what is coming next dontcha? 

Give up something.

Funny how things change.  I used to believe that your kids gave you high blood pressure, now days I am finding out, I have to be nice to them, as they are the one’s who pick out your nursing home.  Other things can lead to high blood pressure, the two neighbor ladies taking up all the aisle at WalMart visiting completely oblivious to other shoppers in the store, or road rage would do it, but now I find that just getting out of bed, watching five to ten minutes of the local news, is enough to jump start it for the day.

Who would have ever imagined that.

This is how it works.  You go see the doctor, he or she as the case might be, and then he or she as the case might be, diagnoses you and then you are required to give up something and of course, given a new prescription to take with you as you leave.  Right now, after having added this new one to my daily routine, I am now taking “A Ford Hubcap full of lug nuts twice a day” and possibly in line for even more!

Which is kind of sad, when you stop to consider this.

At this point in my life, I have given up:  Smoking, drinking, cheating at cards, most of the ten food groups, trifling with other monkeys’ monkeys, lying, popcorn and baby-back ribs.  In order to keep my health (which they now say is borderline or marginal) I am required to spit it out, if it tastes good, and a second portion, well, that is out of the question.

Which makes me wonder what I am going to have to surrender now?  I suppose it will be coffee, that might be the next thing for me to give up.  All of this just to stay above ground every morning and of course, pay my taxes.

At this juncture in life I am discovering that everything that I like is either adding to my weight or killing me softly.  And that is a real bummer, a major disappointment.  We have a talking scale in the bathroom and when I step up onto it it will say …. “Come back when you are alone.”  Which is a real let down.  I don’t understand why a doctor cannot understand why it is that when you reach a certain age in life, you become friends with your fat?  I don’t want to burn it off, and my metabolism such as it is, won’t even begin to lite a fire in the first place.

Another thing I found  out this week, I have the beginning of cataracts, which I did not understand (turns out they are quite common at this age) and I asked my doctor “What causes that?” and she replied, “Too many birthdays.”  That is another thing I do not understand, “the sense of humor that permeates the medical community.”  These strange sayings that they use to assure us they know what is going on with our worn out old tired bodies.

Stuff like:  “Our tests indicate that you have some blood in your grease” and we will have to put you on this cholesterol medicine.

There is good news, I have started walking out to the mailbox to retrieve the mail each day.  Just yesterday I learned that I could have possibly won a contest that I did not even enter, perhaps I have a shot at it, I read where I could have won the Clearing House Sweepstakes!  I also got a letter from a local health spa that gave me three free visits and they suggested that I bring some loose fitting clothing.  Which is ludicrous.  If I had any loose fitting clothing I would not need to be heading out to a health spa.  Give me a break.

Everything in this country any more is either:  “Illegal, Immoral or Fattening.”

Maybe it is me, but I just don’t get it.  But then again, I don’t understand American Idol, The X Factor, Dancing With The Stars and most likely, by most standards will never learn how to do the Pa so-Dobley, so I guess it all evens out in the end.  Perhaps I can talk them (my own personal army of medical professionals, he or she as the case might be) into allowing me to mix my own prescriptions? 

That would be nice, I could relive the sixties again, that was cool, “those years were really good to me” what it is that I can remember of them, that is.

Life is short!
Break the rules!
Forgive quickly!
Love truly, laugh uncontrollably.
And never regret anything that made you smile