Bus Nut Q & A

BCM Bulletin board recently had a post that I found interesting.  Muddog16  “Looks like we have three kinds of nuts…….those actually traveling and living the life!, the 2nd are the text fanatics who spend their time on here…….3rd……those actually working on theirs!  I’ve never made it to the first group, the 2nd group sometimes…….the 3rd faction……”   His post makes me wonder, where is it, that I fit in?

(I think maybe group #4  …  Somewhere on the rim, the outside of the loop, peering in)

This month’s issue of Travel Life Magazine, published out of Fresno, California on the Left Coast Of America, which is mainly sold out of a Root n Scoot Qwik Trip on the corner of Eucalyptus and Vine in Bakersfield, has an interesting Question and Answer Article on page 23.  Here are a few excerpts from that article.


You post a picture of a beautiful landscape somewhere in America.

A Normal Person:  This is a gorgeous shot!  Look at the majestic beauty, such grandeur.  Where was this taken?  Was it crowded over the holidays?

A Bus Nut:  You have five bugs on your windshield, I don’t do two lanes.  Are there any hills?

You ask for directions to Yellowstone National Park.

A Normal Person:  You take the Interstate thru Denver to Laramie, Wyoming, and then go north to Jackson Hole, and then you are right outside the park. (Geographically speaking that is)

A Bus Nut:  The best way to go, gee I don’t know, I will put up something on the board, surely someone will know.  I will get back to you.  I don’t go more than fifty or a hundred miles from our house.

What are the highways in the area like?

A Normal Person:  Pretty good, state just laid new asphalt up on the pass, all the snow has melted off above 8,000 feet, here is the number for the State Highway Patrol.  Nice waterfall at milepost 27.

A Bus Nut:  Miserable, narrow, too many cars, at the top you will be belching all kinds of blue smoke.  9% downhill on the other side, pretty hairy.  You got a Jake?

Have you tried the new White Light Headlights and LED’s available on today’s market?

A Normal Person:  Yes, we have they are really good, the intensity of them and the brightness is just incomparable.  The LED’s have one characteristic we don’t care for however, they will not produce enough heat to melt ice and snow.  But we think they are great.

A Bus Nut:  Yeah, we been runnin’ em but performance aint all that great.  We take a 24 volt headlight and juice it up to 27-30 volts and it gets brighter than the face of the sun … but that is only for a little while.  They been going faster than the desert tray at a Weight Watchers Meeting, I’ll tell ya … Have you seen what a generator costs these days?

Speaking of Weight Watchers?  Are you in good health these days?

A Normal Person:  I exercise regularly. I eat moderate amounts of healthy food. I make sure to get plenty of rest. I see my doctor once a year and my dentist twice a year. I floss every night. I’ve had chest x–rays, cardio stress tests, EKG’s and colonoscopies. I see a psychologist and have a variety of hobbies to reduce stress. I don’t drink. I don’t smoke. I don’t do drugs. I don’t have crazy, reckless sex with strangers.

A Bus Nut:  I most always put a handkerchief over my nose when I am spray painting out in the shop.

Is it a good idea to run tires that are over twelve years old?

A Normal Person:  According to the latest data available it is not a good idea as tire compounds break down with age, and then normal road use produces flexing in the sidewalls, heat builds up and the blowouts occur.  This usually occurs somewhere between 50 and 100 miles from home.

A Bus Nut:  Shure, run ‘em after dark, keep your speed below 45MPH and don’t over inflate them, should be okay.  But to be on the safe side, always stay in the slow poke lane close to the shoulder.

Are you worried about our economy and state of the nation?

A Normal Person:  Watching the market fall as precipitously as the hopes and dreams of Jessica Simpson and Charlie Sheen, I can’t help but think that there one safe bet I can make right now. I have to trust in the simple inertia of a world economy created by hundreds of millions of people manufacturing and servicing stuff that other people need and want.

A Bus Nut:  I have been watching the market sink like a drug-addled hooker with vertigo, it’s reasonable to assume that any new world order created by the complete collapse of the free market system will have little use for an unemployed typewriter repairman. For that reason I think it only prudent to hedge my bet. This weekend I plan on learning a few new survival skills, getting my sorry butt off the grid, learn how to forage for berries and hiding from people whose skill set includes shooting wildlife from helicopters.  Deep in my heart, I know, without a doubt, that I will never sell this thing or get the money out of it I put into it.  Have you seen my tape measure?

Do you practice any safe driving practices on the road or use a designated driver?

A Normal Person:  Yes I do, we try to adhere to all speed limits in effect, watch our mirrors at all times.  We make every effort humanely possible to see that we do not crowd anyone or upset them in any fashion.  We always use our turn signals and stay in the appropriate lane.  As for the designated driver thing, well, we have on occasion used them, but that was back when we were young and foolish.

A Bus Nut:  Hammer Down, Hammer Down, Hot Dog!  I got my hammer down.  As for that other thing, well let me tell ya.  I would like to share an experience with you that has to do with drinking and driving. As you might already know some of us have had brushes with the authorities on our way home in recent months from some of these here bus rallies.  Well I for one have done something about it. The other night I was out for a dinner and a few drinks with some friends.  Well, after having far too much vino and knowing full well I was wasted, I did something I’ve never done before. I took a bus home!!  I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise, as I had never driven a bus before.

Is that a new flashlight?

A Normal Person:  Why yes it is.  It’s a the latest led flashlight, it was on sale at the Home Barn, half price.  It is supposed to be able to put blinding spotlight power in your hand.  It is reputed to be the most powerful handheld tactical self-defense flashlight around! This 15 Watt professional-quality flashlight features five 3 Watt Cree™ LED bulbs that deliver super-bright 900 Lumens, the equivalent of 5 high-powered flashlights in a single beam. Ultra-bright light is viewable for over one mile! Extra-thick aluminum body provides strength and durability, and can deliver a serious blow to assailants if needed. Anodized finish for scratch and corrosion resistance, just like a bus. Features front and rear O-ring seals and a serrated front edge for breaking glass and self defense. Two Lion rechargeable batteries and charger included.  Built in timer, if you want coffee first thing in the morning.

A Bus Nut:  Never trust your luck to a flashlight.  Don’t fall for a woman who has had intimate relations with one of your rock n’roll heroes (No matter how emotionally evolved you think you are, you will never enjoy listening to Buddy Holly again).  Don’t lurk around web sites where people comment about your bus work or mechanical abilities unless you’re drunk. Don’t use emoticons. You’re too old to communicate like a twelve-year old girl.  Don’t forget that you are the product of a culture that went stark raving mad about ten thousand years ago. Don’t answer critics questions about the residents of Washington D.C. or the state of the nation in the Off Topic Section … It’s a trap.  Never, ever, eat anything bigger than your head (True in the sixties, true today).  Behind every bus nut stands his woman …. Usually looking at the ceiling and rolling her eyes!  One more thing … Don’t believe that crap that you’re as young as you feel. Your feelings lie, and the right lane will be closed in fifteen hundred feet (for no apparent reason).  Adjust your thinking accordingly, and always trust in your kerosene lantern.

That ‘bout sum it up?*


*Please feel free to add your own comments and/or issues, as some of you often feel led to do.

DISCLAIMER:     Now you do realize that all of this was tongue and cheek and there is no such place named the Left Coast Of America, dontcha?  Opinions expressed in this post are somewhat educational (I-Don’t-think-so-dot-com) and informational in nature and are directed only at individual Bus Nuts based on their specific make, model and unique circumstances.  The material provides general educational information only to the reading audience.  For advice appropriate to your specific situation, please go to Off Topic.  Reprints of this post are strictly prohibited by the NFL and any resemblance to anyone living or dead, was probably on purpose.