Let Me Have A Shot At It

200170608-001Yesterday during lunch a buddy of mine and I started talking about the Lottery and those unfortunate souls who play it and never seem to win, even though they hit the huge payday.

Most lottery winners are bankrupt within five years of a major payout.  Kind of incredible.  Which somehow, led me to this post this morning, the old “What if I won the lottery gambit” a game of chance that few of us will ever win.

I suppose when you purchase a ticket that gives you the right to sit around and fantasize about how it would be to have all that money, and what it is that you can do with it.  Most lottery jackpots provide an incredible amount of chump change for someone to distribute in this day and age, like everyone else, that is why I buy the ticket,  I would like a shot at it.

Most likely, I will do as others before me have done.  I am going to rush out and fill my every need (whim) and I am not going to wait, I am going to do it immediately.  What is it they say online … you have five items in your shopping cart … Well, with that kind of coin, you could definitely fill your cart.

My desire is not to be stinking rich, no that is not me, but I wouldn’t mind smelling bad, that would be okay.

First thing I am going to purchase is two years at one of them 14th century English castles with a full staff.  Filling the place with enough Yorkshire pudding and fresh mutton for several hundred friends and relatives, which would cost a little bit extra.  Now you are saying to yourself, “don’t be ridiculous, no one has that many relatives and friends.”

True.  But when you win the lottery, you will be surprised at how quickly your immediate family and social calendar will grow.

For a butler I could hire that Robbin Williams guy, who was on the Lifestyles of The Rich and Famous, with a voice so incredibly loud, that wild animals stampeded just at the sound of his answering the front door.

That would be about $1.5 million I suppose.

How about some vintage wine, right now I am drinking something out of South America called Sweet Bitch, I could move up to some better stuff.  I could order at least 100 cases of Romanee-Conte vintage (1985) or in other words, a truck load of the best that France has to offer.  $4.1 million.  Cruise around in John Lennon’s Rolls Royce Phantom V.  You still may not understand “I am the Walrus” but you will appreciate the smooth ride.

About 6 miles per gallon and $6 million tops.

How about a bluff top Malibu estate, where you could sip bottled water and look down on the movie stars.  Seven fireplaces, nine and one-half bathrooms (you never own bottled water, you just rent it) a little weekender to entertain your friends.  $6.9 million and if it slides into the Pacific, you just back up an acre and build again.  It is the California thing to do.

T-Rex skull to hang over the mantle in the living room, impress your new found friends, $8.3 million (this is a rare find).  State of the art roller coaster in the backyard, about $15 million, two tracks, zero to 100 mph in seven seconds, 250 ft drop, free barf bags, and best of all …. No lines.  How about your very own private island?  3,000 acres in the South Pacific, Marlon Brando is your closest neighbor, about ten miles away.

Plumbing, air strip for the Lear jet, extra.  $10 million.

Half a share of a Boeing business jet (we don’t want to buy the entire plane, that would be wasting our money, better to have a partner … I am thinking Britney Spears here … No Paula Abdul) about $20 million.  Never fly First Class again, you can keep your shoes on when you get to the airport, and best of all, the bedroom circular bed acts as a flotation device!

Get out the checkbook, we are not through yet, just getting warmed up.  A diamond studded watch from Switzerland, $25 million.  Buy enough gold to make the necklace around Mr. T. look like a starter set.  Picasso still-life portrait.  Maybe $30 million and you get to bid against the people who made all their money the “hard way” (WORKING FOR A LIVING) at Christies Southerby House in London.

Just walk away from the house and move to Sacramento California so you can run for the Governor’s seat, he is sure to be leaving soon $32 million.  It costs a lot to buy a seat in politics any more, you all know that.  About $40 million relatively speaking.

This is chump change, when you think of what it is you can steal later on, when you move up to the Big Show in Washington DC..

How about a “Sports Professional” ever want to own one of those?  Texas Ranger for about $252 million and you could play catch in the backyard.  Let’s see … 80 cents every second, $47.89 per minute, $2,876.71 per hour, $69,041.10 per day ….. Hey, do the math, we are talking some big bucks here.

If none of this turns you on, how about a wonderful, fun-filled weekend on a cruise liner with Carrie Underwood?  $200 million.  Blue skies, crystal clear water, you can sing Toby Keith’s “If they could see me now” from the 12th deck of your 490 plus passenger ship (remember you now have all these new friends and family).

It might be a little extra if you want to take old cranky Willie Nelson along.

As I am somewhat of a realist, I know that if I did win this large sum of money, it would behoove me to improve my image in the community, buy some new threads and work on my low self esteem.  On most Mondays I sometimes feel akin to a 3 foot tall, poverty-stricken, homophobic, handicapped, sixty-year old Muslim Republican campaign worker with learning disabilities

It would take a LOT OF MONEY to fix that.

So there it is in a nutshell.  “I am going to blow it all on wine, women and song” … and the rest of it … well, I am just going to fart it off.

Have a good week … or don’t … It is still your choice.