Give Me A Break File

If you are a member of the human race … Please press one.
If you live on the planet Earth … Please press two.
If you would like to speak to someone who understands English …
Good luck.

People are always wondering how it is that the United States slipped into this third world debt ridden status that it presently enjoys.  It could be because it is a fairly accurate description.  About the only thing we make in this country, is debt.

Here is an example.

I ordered some software from a major software provider on the Westcoast.  The cost of this item was not cheap, over $200.  It arrived today and it did NOT work.  So I dutifully call the people (tech support, now that one is a hoot!) and make inquiries and the tech rep tells me, “I will be honest with you.  The browser has a glitch in it and it will not work.  But I can show you another way to use the product.”

My next question to him was, “If you knew this _____ did not work, then why did you take my money and ship it to me?”  No answer for that.  Then he tries, unsuccessfully, to show me how to go around this and still use the product, a product that does not work as advertised.


I spend over an hour on the phone with people who speak something other than English and get nowhere.  So now I have to ship it back (at my expense) and hope that I might sometime in this century get my money back.

One more thing, “I was charged $5.95 freight on the item” and I look down at the USPS box and there it is …. $4.33.  No honor among thieves.  And this Boys & Girls, is why we are sliding into oblivion and owe every monkey’s son on the planet money for our national debt.  Man, man.  I have not had this much fun since I fed my laptop a cup of coffee at the International House of Pancakes!

I sure hope the lines are short at the Post Office Monday.

Have a good weekend.


Greed To Go

Another full moon, I hate it when I get this way.  Oh well… Another not so quite lucid post from my world or what is left of it.

Remember that old line:  “It was the best of times … It was the worst of times.”  Think I saw it on a episode or Cheer’s a long, long time ago.

Now let’s to put it into perspective.

Look at the major oil companies for instance, now that times are good, they want to make them REALLY GOOD and want to put some kind of new crap (Okie Scientific Term) in your gasoline, up to 15% of it per gallon.  It will of course destroy older model cars but will run just fine in the newer models.

So the failing automakers get a boost, all the older cars have to leave the road, and the oil companies insure that their supplies of oil are extended well into the next century.

In good times, it’s natural that we pay less attention to our individual expenses. But today, regardless of our current situation, we all need to save as much money as possible.  And when it comes to saving money, the experts agree one of the best places to start is with your grocery bill.  Now that the recession is officially over it might be a good time to consider going back to Twinkies or Ding Dongs?

Thanks to all of the pompous gas bags in our nation’s capitol and the high octane boys digging in the tar sands around the world, we are stuck again.  The majority of us will be of course, sitting at home watching old re-runs of Laverne & Shirley, munching away.  Desperate victims of Anal Glaucoma, the disease brought to you by American Oil, a national affliction of which there is no known cure, a disease where you simply cannot see your ass going anywhere.

So here is the take away.

When Rep. Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif.) gave her inaugural address as speaker of the House in 2007, she vowed there would be “no new deficit spending.” Since that day, the national debt has increased by $5 trillion, according to the U.S. Treasury Department.

Must be nice, working for the government or the oil companies (if you do not currently live in a gulf state that is).  When you need ready cash, you just print it up or go get it.

Man-Man, here it comes again.  It never seems to end.  All of a sudden the tree house in Belize is looking better and better each day.  Now having done my public service for the day and increased my total word count for the month, I am going to slink into the kitchen for another cup of coffee.  One of the few luxuries in life I can at least afford, it is still hovering around eight dollars a bag.

Now if I just had enough money for a donut to go with it.


The Naked News

The People You Meet On The Street … Some things to worry about during your driving test, left turns, most accidents occur during left turns, yeah no poopy, I knew a couple who spent their entire life turning right, just because of this.   Other things to worry about are your turn signals, traffic and naked people walking down the street during your test.

Yes people, a naked man was spotted during a driving test …

Which reminds me of the couple who took their two young children on vacation and they were going down a road, and before them appeared four adults on bicycles COMPLETELY NAKED.

The young couple worried that the children in the back seat would be affected and sure enough, as the naked adults all rode by, the four-year old stood up in the back seat and said, “Did you see that?  None of those people had a helmet on!”

Not-Too-Smart.Com … Suspect to officer:   Kiss my (expletive) and talk to my (expletive) lawyer.  It is going to take more than Matlock to figure this one out, but someone, is gonna spend the night in the pokey.  A man charged with domestic violence Sept. 25 for threatening his ex-wife and breaking vases tried to slip off his handcuffs, according to his Crestview Police Department arrest report.

When officers tried to arrest the man, the suspect “tensed his muscles” and began calling the officers profane names. On the way to the patrol car, the suspect told the officers, “Wait till I get out. All you guys are done.”  On the way to the jail, he called the officer a “fat (expletive)” and tried to slip his cuffs. At the jail, he told the same officer, “Kiss my (expletive) and talk to my (expletive) lawyer,” according to his report.

Taking a wild stab at this, I figure he is going to be a guest of the county for a little bit anyway.

You Make The Call File: Scientists have announced this week some cancer news.  They are now saying that cancer is a man-made disease as they have not been able to find any evidence of it in Egyptian mummies.  Personally I would be far more prone to believe they found evidence of emphysema in a mummy from charcoal (heating and making bricks) than this.

Mummy was squeaky clean … Uh huh sure.  Now what about Buffalo Wings?

A little off the top: We now have naked hairdressers down under …. Hmmmmm, that sound a bit suggestive doesn’t it.  (Personally I prefer a little shrubbery around the house, but that is just me)  Full story here and pictures too!  OI especially liked the comments after the piece, here is a sample:

You could have someones eye out with those don’t forget health and safety !
Dave, Manchester  …. I think I’ll pass on this one, have you seen my hairdresser he’s not the best. Jim Gibson, Newcastle upon Tyne …. Something for the weekend, sir?

Why not add yours to the mix (That is if you are into that sort of thing).  Because of my age and my “Dr. Phil look-alike hairstyle” it really doesn’t do a whole lot for me.

The next thing I know will be receiving a comment from my mother:  “I enjoy reading most of your columns . . . but your hairdo in your photo yesterday sure looked DATED and NOT at all flattering or becoming, to say the least. If you are still sporting that awful hairdo, I suggest you go to a good hair stylist to give you a new and better hairdo. I hope you don’t mind my criticism, it’s nothing personal — just a suggestion.” This is why she lives in Kalifornia and I live here in The Sooner Nation (now all you people in Europe, and Asia try figuring that one out.)

Warning:  That girl is packing …. Used to be in order to attract boys a girl would stuff her bra with Kleenex or soft paper.  But alas, they grow up so quickly.  An item here where a woman wore a bra packed with sedatives in order to rob men, not exactly “high tech” but if it works ….

Say it with a Foot-Long. Flowers are so old hat, now there is a better way.  A Fort Pierce Florida man has been charged with attacking his girlfriend with a corn dog …  I mean how can you never say you are sorry (Love Story) if you slam your special other with a piece of food?  Must be something in the air in Florida, a lot of this stuff is coming out of the sunshine state here lately.

It would be nice to discuss some of this at length, but I have to make my nine-thirty for therapy.  I get to lie down on the couch, relax, tell this wonderful lady all of my thoughts, worries and concerns.  Such as left turns and backing into a buttered doorknob while completely naked.

Stuff like that ….

You on the other hand, need to shut this down and get back to work, it is after all, Hump Day for a five day minimum wage slave in Oklahoma.  You have Mortgage Investment Bankers and politicians counting on you to pull them thru.

YOU DON’T GET CANDY FILE: Now if all of this wasn’t absurd enough to whet your whistle, there is one more,.  I always like to save the best for last … Government is now putting an age limit on Tricker Treaters, if you can believe that.  Read all about it here.

Is this a great country or what? *


*  Clothes make the man.  Naked people have little or no influence on society.  Mark Twain  And of course, no naked people were exposed or hurt during the posting of this post.
Cartoon courtesy of

Attitude Adjustment


Being as I am terminally afflicted with a modern illness termed “Road Rage” it is often that I have to self diagnose myself and quickly take measures to protect not only myself, but also the general public at large.

This morning, I am cruising down the boulevard; all is well in my world.  Traffic is light, most of it has cleared out, and the road for the most part is quite empty.


I am pleased, I chuckle and think, “If I was any happier I would have to pay an amusement tax.”

The radio is playing Keith Urban, and I think to myself, “this guy isn’t country; he wouldn’t make a pimple on a country singers …. Uh, he just isn’t country.” Once again, I have to remind myself to …. Leave it alone.

And there he is … Out of the corner of my eye, I see him.

The dumb-bell in the Little Debbie’s Snack Cakes truck, he is going to blow thru that yield sign and push me over.  I feel the heat building; road rage is coming on board to make another trip with me this day.  It doesn’t take much in my old age to set me off like a rocket at Cape Canaveral in Florida, I don’t even hit simmer on most days, just go straight to boil.

I have him figured right, here he comes.

Bigger than Dallas he blows thru the sign and I have to move over, no sense in seeing who has the best insurance this day.  Face it, Eagle bodywork is not like taking the family hoopie into the local Ford dealer.  I succumb to his rude entry into my world, and I note that he is also talking on his cell phone.  Man, that rankles me, only thing worse than this would be text messaging, currently illegal in five states and in my opinion worthy of five to ten in the state pen.

Okie drivers (and I suppose drivers in other states) these days leave a lot to be desired.  Most of them have their head so far up their collective rear-ends, they need a plexi-glass stomach just to see where they are going.  Adding a cell phone, the modern equivalent of a cigarette in the twenty-first century, just makes it worse.  Often technology does the exact reverse of what it was designed to do, mainly, improving the quality of life.

I heat up, I growl, I wish bad things on this person AND his cat.

Knowing full well that this volatile behavior on my part, is not conducive to good mental health or otherwise, I sit back in the seat, I smile and say to no one in particular, “get out of here moron, I have better things to do with my time this day, than mess with you.”  (When it gets really bad, I find a exit ramp and take a whiz, walk around the bus four or five times, stopped in New Mexico one time and got a piece of apple pie …. Whatever works, right?)

I was in Sweetwater, Texas a few summers back and this woman in a mini-van with a little faces in every window, loaded to the gills with kids, blew thru a stop sign right in front of me.  Standing on the breaks hard, shifting the contents of just about everything to the front of the truck, I wanted to kill her.

But I understand that even in Texas, this is illegal.

So I shouted out at her, “Don’t you know when to stop!”

She yelled back, “these aint all my kids!”

Texas, it is like a totally other world ….. Y’all.

Most truckers look at bus drivers with disdain and something less than outright disgust.  They feel we do not have a right to be on the road with them, same as four wheelers and the like, and have told me so on several occasions.  But the simple truth of the matter is we share a common problem, and that problem is bad drivers and attitudes.

When you get right down to it, where the rubber meets the road, we actually share the same universe, our world’s are not all that different.

The sign reads “Flyin J at exit 194” and a nice looking KW, clearly a garbage hauler, with a half-million dollars in chrome, naked women on his mudflaps and at least four dozen made in Hong Kong LED lights, comes barging onto the scene with a vengeance.  I move over, the lettering on the back of his trailer reads, “Every courtesy of the road is yours.” Now isn’t that ironic?

Time to back out of it, and get some pie.  Won’t help my boyish figure any but it will almost certainly improve my attitude.

Life is short … enjoy the ride.


Shoppin With Mama

As we have been into our own routines and projects here lately, the wife and I decided to do something together.  For a refreshing change of pace, we went shopping yesterday.  Strangely we found ourselves with a little extra scrilla in our pockets, we decided that shopping would be the endeavor for the day.  (Kids refer to money as scrilla these days, if y’all aint hip, it surely isn’t my fault.  “Yo Mama got mad scrilla. We’re gonna rock the mall later.”)

So we set out in earnest and during the course of the day, ended up walking some five different Malls.  Or as My wife is fond of saying — We Shop Until We Drop — a kind of “take no prisoners attitude that I surely do not adhere to or understand.“  Even now, much later, I still do not know what it was that we were shopping for.

Shopping for me is never that great, and I usually wear out early, the whining factor comes into play much sooner these days than it did in my younger years. Often in complete desperation I will pull out my cellphone and have “fake very loud conversations with our non-existent children” in order to embarrass her and make her take me home.

I just don’t seem to have the stamina for it, I am not the “shop until you drop” type. 

My idea of shopping is a far cry from her’s, let’s face it.


Summer Ends


Not being a big fan of October, I put up the Hammock this week.  I sure hate that, along with all the blood & gore associated with television this time of the year.  October is the Devil’s Holiday, or at least it seems that way.  People cutting up people, biting each other’s necks, the constant din of chain saws invading my space.  Who needs that?

Where is Forrest Gump when you really need him?

It is hard to keep your equilibrium this time of year.  Last week I was in a Cracker Barrel restaurant, and they had Halloween stuff on one side of the store and Christmas stuff on the other.  October is a real mood swinger let me tell you.

If you cannot tell by now …. It has been a lousy week.

Some folks refer to it as one of those “maybe I should have stayed in bed” kind of weeks.  Middle of the week, I tried to download a ring-tone for my phone. Figured if I had George Strait or Reba singing to me in the tire-shop, it would make me impotent, er, important. Cost was $3.99 and when I got done, I was way over twelve dollars!  Guess I am just technically challenged or impaired.

One of my biggest fears in life, is the fact that I will someday die, and when I get to the pearly gates, an angel will ask …. “Screen name and password please.”

Uh …. huh?

Cooler in the morning now, summer is but a faded memory, git ready. Weather guessers are saying we are headed for a big weather change. I do notice that the days are getting shorter, takes the sun longer to come up in the morning, winter is setting in. No songbirds in the yard and all my winged friends have gone south, I feel neglected and alone.

Boo! Bet I Scared You ha-ha


A definite chill in the air and football on the tube. Soon to be sitting down to a sumptuous meal and video clips of Dallas losing again on ABC.  Raking a big pile of leaves in the backyard and watching the grandson delight with glee when he skillfully hides himself from his little sister.  Using the automatic car wash now instead of doing it in the wash bay yourself.

The rest of the time it is windy.

To add to the misery it is an election year, and we all know the name of that tune don’t we?   Leadership you can trust … integrity restored … a chicken in every pot … Ad nasauem.

(In other words … Grab Your Wallets)



Today here is my DVR reality. Ax-Men marathon, a couple of hours of sawing and multiple tree-felling, cussing so frequent that every other word seems to be bleeped and it ends up being a chain-saw fed mess of incomprehensible mayhem, truly male television at its best.  What a testosterone rush … Tune me in.  Which even on a bad day is still better than watching some ghoul get a stake driven into his heart.


Cartoon courtesy of American Progress

In Other Words

Blogging … First time I ever posted on WordPress, this nutty professor logged in with “now that was depressing.”  My first comment was not all that positive in nature.

This was, believe it or not, a real honest to goodness, genuine professor of English.  As I failed to bookmark his page, I have no clue as to whether or not he is still on WordPress (nor do I care) but he certainly threw a wet towel on my dream.

Not to be deterred, I continued to put them up one or two a day, and after a short while, I had a readership.  Perseverance (and good material) will eventually win out in the end.

My goal was to have 50,000 people visit my site and maybe read my stuff.  It turned out to be not only a rewarding experience, but a learning adventure along the way.

Now some 15 months later, 1.3 million people have come to this site.  Not bad.  Considering I had never posted anything anywhere, before I came here.

Sadly, 80% of other bloggers I used to follow are now gone and no longer posting anything in this same space of time.  As each and everyone are unique in their own special way, this represents a huge loss for the blogging community as a whole.

It takes a special kind of person to maintain a blog, to sit down and write each day without fail.  To face an empty screen early in the morning, to dredge up something interesting for the blog, something that you can post that others will appreciate.

Why we do this without fail is anyone’s guess.  In my case it wasn’t for fortune or fame.  My fame is vapor and my riches have taken to wings, the day for my enrichment of a monetary sort has long past.

But I have taken something away from all of it, and here it is, I will freely share it with you.

You learn to write when you are bored, when you are sad, when you are inconsolable, when you really don’t have a lot to say.  You write when you don’t especially feel loved or funny, you write because you have to write, you want to write, you need to write.

And I suppose you learn something along the way …

You don’t have to be #1 or Freshly Pressed on a global scale to be happy.  That life, is what happens when you are not paying attention, and you can report it.  The take away is how you feel after you have shared it with someone. That is why we do it, and believe it or not, that is not depressing at all.

It’s often quite the opposite, kind of nice.