Good morning, another missive chocked full of misplaced apostrophe’s for all you nit pickers, we guarantee this post to be totally free of anything that actually resembles real news. If you are out of a job and having trouble making ends meet, you can roll this up and eat it, it has been said that “it is full of baloney” which our lawyers say to tell you “has no real nutritional value” and could possibly harm you if consumed without copious amounts of water.
The Whitehouse has forged a groundbreaking agreement to increase the average fuel efficiency of cars and light trucks to 35.5 miles per gallon by 2016 (Oh, hahahahahaha, I think I just hurt myself!) which is more than today’s average of just under 28 mpg. The new standards which are a product of the Obama administration and with the auto industry, environmentalists, will raise mileage requirements 5% between 2012-2016. This is projected to save 1.8 billion gallons of oil, which is about the same amount we imported from our Arab friends last year.
Now everyone release a collective sigh, and insert a yawn here … we have been down this road before, and it is always, without exception, turns out to be a dead end.
My Hero! Neil McCallum was waling on a beach in Queensland, Australia, last week when a kangaroo hopped past him and started swimming in the ocean. Soon, the animal was caught in a dangerous riptide and found itself being quickly pulled out to sea. Knowing that hammerhead sharks were in the area, McCallum ran back to his house, grabbed his surfboard, paddled out, and herded the kangaroo to a nearby sandbar. After resting for a while, the exhausted kangaroo bounded away. “But not before he looked back at me“ recalled McCallum “as if to say Thanks For That Mate!”
Just kind of brings a tear to me eye, it does. Here is another one I came across this week. Leave it up to the news media to get it wrong every time. I am reading my copy of the Television schedule for the week and there it is, plain as day:
“SEVEN BRIDES FOR SEVEN SISTERS.”
(I mean, duh.)
You can always count on them to get it totally wrong, at least in this neck of the woods you can. Reading the newspaper around here is always a kick anyway. You find the totally absurd and really strange stuff in our local paper. Like the expressions mentally disturbed and emtotionally impaired. I would much rather prefer plain language: crazy, insane, nuts. After all, if you spend any time at all watching the late night news, you would see that the world is crazy, and many of its inhabitants are insane. Then again, it could be me, perhaps I am just nuts and did not know it.
A gambler was arrested, charged and convicted of not paying his gambling debts and writing bad checks. He was then sentenced to a state mental hospital to serve his time, as the judge ruled that gamblers are afflicted and need medical help, not incarceration. So they shipped him off to the state mental hospital for treatment. After being there for a while, he started to flip out, not being able to place a bet was taking its toll on him badly.
So he walked up to this inmate in the yard, and he said to him, “I am a gambler. They have sentenced me to this place because they say I am nuts, but it isn’t really so. But I need to place a bet, I want to bet, I have to be able to bet on something.” The inmate nodded his head in agreement and then said, “Hey man, we got everything here that they have in the real world. You can place a bet if you want to.”
So the bookie said, “I can? How do I do that?” and the inmate replied, “Well, we bet rocks. We pick up rocks from here and there, and then we go over there to that guy, you see that guy sitting over there? And we place a bet with him, he is our local bookie.”
The gambler then walked over to a flower bed, and deftly extracted this HUGE ROCK and waddled over to the bookie, and dropped the boulder at his feet …. Whooooomp!
Then he said, “I want to place a bet with you.”
The bookie looked at the rock and then looked at the gambler and said, “I aint betting with you.” The gambler went ballistic and said, “Why? Why not?” and the bookie said …. “Anybody that wants to bet that MUCH has to be crazy.”
(No good huh? Well Whadya expect for free?)
Talk about bad taste, what a “low class act” this seems to be. They are reporting that Michael Jackson’s family is going to hold a memorial service in the Staples Center in LA and they are going to charge $25 per person to attend. That really sucks, and 500 thousand will show up to attend it, who pays for the traffic control, the cops, all the associated services connected with this? You do. I never heard of anything like this, talk about a circus, even Elvis wasn’t this bad in the end.
Well, being as I am starting to sound like some kind of “cranky old Uncle Regis” or something like that. I will move on. Here it is! Just in time for the weekend. Good News and of course, Bad News. First the bad news. Because of the Wall Street meltdown has resulted in thousands of fewer well-paying jobs, there will be less for the new crop of college graduates to choose from this year.
Now for the Good News. Because of the Wall Street meltdown has resulted in thousands of fewer well-paying jobs, there will be less for the new crop of college graduates to choose from this year.
Now you are scratching your head and saying (hopefully not aloud, you are at work, remember?) that doesn’t make sense, that is exactly the same. Take time to think about it, because there is a shortage of thousand of jobs on Wall Street, this means the brightest, the best, the smartest we have won’t be devoting their life to pushing around stacks of worthless paper for the bankers.
They can now find or locate a job in the private sector and put all that brainpower to work on matters of importance to us all. Global warming, energy depletion, our crumbling infrastructure. Instead of filling the pockets of the greedy Fat Cats and the rich, they can be working on priorities that benefit us all.
That is the Good News … Enjoy your weekend. We will see you on Monday.