News is reporting that gasoline is “inching upwards” again. It goes up .11 cents in less than twenty-four hours and that is “inching?” Give me a break. Oh well, plenty of negative stuff in the world, and it is not my duty to report it, so here we go.
Saturday morning, I find myself at “McDonalds” and wonder if the clerk behind the counter will be able to understand me, yet alone get my order correct? Things are looking up, he is a pasty looking white kid, somewhat goofy-eyed, void of any needle marks on his arms and no open sores on his face that I can see, we might have a chance at it today?
I am standing next to this old lady, with blue hair, she is ancient, about 83 years of age I would guess, well up in her years. A pleasant sort, the kind of motherly grandmother type, at that point in life when you describe her, you would always add “bless her heart” afterwords, that kind of gal.
She looks at the kid and she says, “I would like a hamburger, fries, small coke please.”
The kid looks at her and he says back, “would you like cheese on that hamburger?” which he is trained to say I suppose. The old lady says, “No. If I wanted a hamburger with cheese, that would be a cheeseburger, I ordered a hamburger.”
The kid replies, “so that means, no cheese?”
At that point in time, the lady turns to me and shrugs her shoulders. The lady then she says to me, “am I speaking English here?” I say, “Yes Mama I believe you are.” So she looks at the kid one more time and then says, “Listen sonny, if I wanted a cheeseburger with cheese, I would have ordered a cheeseburger, just give me what it is that I ordered and nothing more.”
Maybe it is me, I don’t know, but stuff like that amuses me. I can still find a lot of stuff to amuse me, I don’t have to watch the news. I have plenty to be thankful for during these hard times.
Thank you Dubya. Thank you Bill. Thank you Hillary. Thank you Monica. Thank you Paris. Thank you Britney. Thank you Lindsay. Thank you Jacko. Thank you uptight women, thank you shallow men. Thank you for Alive At Five … late, local, live breaking news. Thank you bald guys everywhere. Thank you bad drivers. Thank you proctologists. Thank you mimes.
Thank you Bill O’Riely. Dr. Phil. Oprah and The View. Rosie O’Donnel, Donald Trump and Max Lauer. Thank you Ba-Ba-rah Walters. Thank you pro wrestling. Thank you people with mullets. Thank you for boy bands. Thank you for spandex.
Thank you right-wing conservatives. Thank you left-wing radicals. Thank you beauty American Idol contestants. Thank you Exxon you dirty egg sucking dogs. Thank you for all the bad movies and actors of the 70’s. Don’t forget Will Farrel, Paulie Shore, Carrot Top.
Thank you again for beauty pageant contestants ESPECIALLY Ms. California. Thank you overzealous gym teachers. Thank you motivational speakers. Thank you tree huggers. Thank you Burger King and Taco Mayo, without you, I would surely starve.
Thank you France (Bridget Bardot – French fries). Thank you cross-dressers. Thank you nerds, geeks, and other socially inept people, like bankers, credit card managers, DMV rate clerks. Thank you guys with big-biceps and small brains. Thank you women … with big hair. Thank you for famous people with slight speech impediments.
Thank you everyone who ever inspired a joke that made me and the entire country laugh. Lastly Thank you for Little old ladies who stand their ground and make me smile … bless their hearts.
And no … I don’t want cheese on mine either.
When I am ready to sit back, drink wine and eat cheese, I will put some money down on a Condo on the side of a mountain in Vail, Colorado, tune into CNN, kick back and smile. Right now, conditions being such as they are, I guess I will just have to settle for McDonalds.