Blandish Thoughts

Look out!  I got the headphones on and I am cranking out another one!  No one knows where it is headed, and as for content, well, that one is up in the air too.  I am watching this television commentator on the tube last night, and he gives total new meaning to the expression, “television is the vast American Wasteland.”

He says, “So, you’ve won the Avant-Garde Hairdresser of the year award.  What does that mean.”  And this hairdresser, who incidentally appears to be a little lite in the loafers replies, “Well, it means I’m the Avant-Garde Hairdresser of the year.”


Here is your Urban Word for the day:  Ya Smell Me?  This is a derivative of “You know what I am saying?” which is short for “Do you understand what I am trying to explain?”

Had my taxes figured yesterday, looks like the government is going to buy that new submarine after all, what can I say.  There was a guy in there and he and I got to talking and he told me that he was “eighty-one years old” and that just blew me away.  First off, he didn’t look eighty-one years old and secondly, “why in the hell should someone eighty-one years old have to pay taxes” that just doesn’t seem right.  There ought to be a cut off in here somewhere, say seventy-five and you are out, no more taxes.

Did you ever stop to think about it?

If you take the 2 words “the” and “IRS” and put them together it spells “theirs.”

Been a pretty boring week, nothing absolutely nothing (so far) has gone wrong.  I bore quickly and going out to the backyard and whistling softly and watching the neighbors dog hit the end of the chain is no longer amusing.  I did do something kind of kinky this week, I snuck over to my neighbor’s house; he is sitting in his living room watching basketball.  This is the #1 sports fan of the neighborhood, and we both have Cox Cable.

So I take my Cox remote, the great big silvery thing that looks like something out of Star Wars, walk over to his porch and slip it up to the window facing his television and start changing the channels on him!  Now this is a hoot!  Unfortunately it was really upsetting my seventy-four year old neighbor and I had to stop.

Even in suburbia there are apparently limits to good clean fun.

This is nothing new, I first got the idea last year when I took our other remote, the programmable one to the VA and sat in the waiting room and changed the volume levels and channels on all the Agent Orange Boys with the short fuses.  But you have to be careful with them, unlike the neighbor across the street, they have been trained in highly skilled measures of American Diplomacy and they could possibly kill you.

Had this dream last night, we were headed to the mall to purchase a book on the “Secrets of life.”  And it was only $14.99, now in this day and age, that is a bargain.  I know that strikes you as funny (perhaps not) but it is like they say, “Laughter is the best medicine.”  But of course, we all know that laughter is NOT the best medicine, at best, it might be fourth or fifth or somewhere around there.  According to a double blind study in Finland for instance, laughter comes in a strong fifth, behind aspirin, penicillin, placebos and Vicks Vapor Rub.

While I am in a medical mood.  How about “Beauty is only skin deep.”  Actually, in a comparison of the spleens, gallbladders, livers, pituitary glands and pancreases of 500 cadavers, a panel of judges found the internal organs of attractive humans to be 32% prettier.  So this adage should be adjusted to “Beauty is only internal-organ deep” … By the way, how is your breakfast this morning?

I seem to be on a roll here …… unfortunately it appears to be headed downhill.

Just like this “Rome wasn’t built in a day” thing.  Whoever came up with that? Although this is technically accurate, the proverb is still misleading according to the Lowe’s Associate I met on Monday.  He told me that Rome was built in thirty-six hours, using prefabricated materials and a Lowe’s low interest credit card.


A Michigan man has been sentenced to 90 days in jail for “having sex with a car wash vacuum cleaner” he was 29 years old, and I assume, “pretty lonely.”  Can you imagine being caught in flagrante with a vacuum cleaner?  How embarrassing would that be?  So you are sitting in your cell, and this big dude next to you says, “What you in for?” and you reply, “sex with a huffy.”  Not a good thing, no sir, not a good thing at all.

One of my data generators for this site says that people come here for “news.”  Which kind of tickled me, because I hate the news.  Nothing like sitting down, opening up the paper and reading where some poor slob in Argentina isn’t able to withdraw his money, that businesses are making no sales, the stock market is closed tight, people don’t know what their money is worth and they can’t get it out of the banks, even if they wanted to.  Oh wait, that is not Argentina, that is America, what was I thinking.  I am sorry.

Things haven’t been this bad since George Bush Sr. upchucked on that Japanese official and then passed out.  Michelle Obama has planted a pumpkin patch in the rose garden backyard, but I hear the Republicans are going to pass a bill canceling Halloween.

Well once more Boys & Girls I see the old bottom of the page rolling up, it is time for me to depart.  I am going to go over to Pay and order me one of those new fangled Sleeptracker Pro’s.  This is the one alarm clock that you will not want to smash every morning when you get up.  Worn like a wristwatch it “monitors” fluctuations in the sleep cycle.

Rousing you only during an “almost awake” moment (which for the most part is the better part of my days anyway) so that you’ll arise … sharp, cheery, and theoretically in a “good mood.”  That is until you get the bill on your credit card statement for $179 clams!

Hang in there, it is almost the weekend.  And remember:  “If you believe that there is some good in everybody, then most likely, you haven’t met everyone.”  When you come back to comment on this, please be nice … “I’m just trying to come up in da game.  Ya Smell Me?