Obama’s first 100 – Adding it all up

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End of the month, here is another one we can stuff into the bag, and put it away for all time.

Haven’t been up on the old soapbox here lately, so today I am going to take a stab at it.  I have done rather well the last sixty days avoiding political issues and what-knot, but today I feel it in my bones to mention a few items of interest I have observed here of late.

Lot of talk about Obama’s first 100 days in office and to the average Joe, it appears that he might be the most polarizing president this country has ever seen.  The big rumble around here is a proposed tax on the miles that we drive, which should not come as any big surprise, we talked about that last year.

Once again, we prove ourselves to be just a tad bit ahead of the curve on things in general.

As more and more states find themselves cash strapped for gasoline income that is no longer there, they will come up with creative ways to soak the taxpayer even more, this is surely just the tip of the proverbial iceberg.  It is also why we are seriously considering a Ford Hybrid and 41 miles per gallon, not so much to help out the folks at Ford, but to cut us a little slack on some of this high priced fuel.  Right now 700 miles on one tank is starting to look pretty good.

Best get ready boys n girls, the fed’s and the state are coming for you with their endless half-full bucket and they are going to ask you to fill it but one more time.

If you don’t believe that, then consider this.  When federal income tax was first established, in 1913, the tax code was a mere 400 pages.  Today the tax code is 70,320 pages and it is rumored that there is but a “handful of people in Washington” that can actually read it and comprehend its meaning.  This is one thing the government is very proficient at, and that is getting into your pocket.

It is now being reported that the federal budget deficit rose to a record $957 billion in the first six months of fiscal 2009.  Which is kind of funny, because we are just starting the “5th” month tomorrow, so how do they know it rose this much in five months and not what they are reporting (six).

March government outlays increased 41% to $321 billion from the previous year (March 2008).  While at the same time revenue fell 28% to about $129 billion.  So as you can plainly see, both the fed’s and the states are cash strapped, and who do you suppose they are going to tap to find a solution to the shortfall.

If there is a (new) way to gouge you, they will find it.  We seem to think in generalities, whereas they seem to deal in detail.

The only people that seem to do good at all this are the lobbyists.  They spent something like $3 billion last year in Washington DC and they got their money’s worth.  A University of Kansas study just released reports that a single corporate tax break in 2004 enabled 800 companies to save a total of $100 billion dollars.  I put back about $1300 but my tax liabilities were considerably higher, and that was without a bail out.

Just depends on how you look at it I guess.  Things could be worse, things could be better.

On the upside, it is rumored that Starbucks is putting out a new blend of “Deepresso Coffee” for those days that are so hard to get thru.  The Dallas Cowboys are building a new stadium, a $1 billion plus, 3 million square foot undertaking that will include 80,000 seats, two 180 foot long High Def Video screens, and the largest retractable roof ever constructed.

It is truly …. The worst of times … and the best of times in the USA.

For those who have everything, the economic downturn has some searching for “a greener and cheaper alternative to the dreaded McMansion prospective.”  You can now live in a smaller, much smaller house.  There is a new home on the market called the XS-House, a ready made 65-square foot, yes I said “65 sq ft” home.  It is being offered by Tumbleweed Tiny House Company and it makes a diminutive domicile of all sorts and it is also the smallest model that they currently offer.

Price?  Just $37,000 and some change, can we build one for you?

We are such a diverse culture aren’t we, we celebrate Obama’s first 100 days in office, and are asked at the same time to critique his performance on the local news, which is like saying to the viewer, “let us pool our ignorance on this subject” and then make a pronouncement of this man’s abilities.

How sick is that.

I understand that scientists have now locked up six volunteers in a mock spacecraft for a 105-day stay, to see if they can manage not to kill one another.  Now we have a new standard for stupidity.  For an even tougher test, please identify three people you personally know who would truly push human tolerance and endurance to the limit if locked up together for 105 days.

How about your mother-in-law, the checkout girl at Lowe’s, maybe a credit card rep.

(Yeah I know, don’t write me any letters)

So for all you stalworth champions who have managed to hang in there this long, here is the point.  We fritter away our time on the frivolities of life, and virtually ignore the important issues.  Meanwhile  that wonderful gang of thugs, The Taliban and other Afghan extremists attack 256 schools in that country (during the past year) for the “crime” of teaching girls, killing 58 children and teachers.

Where is the “democracy in that” if it is there, I fail to see it.

We sit back and try to gauge the competence of our leadership, while we inspect every stock-jobbing swindle, pass on the Ponzi schemes, and wonder if the crash is really going to come?  Everyone hopes and prays that if it does, that it will land on the head of our neighbor, but not before we reap the profit from the financial storm and get caught in the shower of gold.

So much for April, another old tired soldier put to bed.

I believe I will go outside, sit on the porch, seriously ponder or study the size and weight of a cloud, and do my best to forget about this past 100 days.  For the most part, I feel that Obama is doing the best he can with what he has to deal with, and this is after all, going to be a long row to hoe, it isn’t going to get solved in 100 days for cryin’ out loud. That my friends is called a reality of life.

I am going to do my best to file it in the back part of my mind and not worry about it.

This of course comes under the heading of the “best laid plans, hopes and schemes of man” a plan that seldom actually works.  No matter what picture or landscape I try to paint, they always come back to haunt me.  I am sure they will be on every channel tonight or soon to remind me.

They are never far away, so much for day #1 of the second 100 days.

OOO

Cartoon courtesy of Think Progress Online.

Crazy Ivan

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KISS ME I AM FROM VERMONT: Uh oh, it seems now that Gay people have really legitimately democratically and completely non-sneakily have won the right to marry in Vermont.  This surely isn’t going to make the Christian community happy in this country.  But Christians are free to disapprove of homosexuality, just as they remain free to disapprove of their neighbor’s alcoholism or adultery or bad taste in lawn ornaments.  They are also free to move to a country that enforces religious views or they can just hang out in Illinois.

An Illinois man whose wife has been charged with child murder says police have insulted Islam by releasing her mug shot.  She is charged with beating her two year old niece to death.  Her husband says the larger issue is that police took a mug shot of her without her traditional Muslim head scarf and released the photo to the media.  He said they are really going to be in “big trouble” for violating her modesty.

They live amongst us and they procreate.

THE BIG TICKET: So I am watching ESPN and the outfielder of the Pittsburgh Pirates or some other team (I am not a big sports fan) and he says, “The only way we’re going to improve is if we actually go out and get better.” And they willingly cough up millions per year for this?  This is why a family of four pays $411 for tickets to a ballgame in Boston, or it costs you $85 to sit in the cheap seats at NASCAR.

POOF!  YOU’RE TOAST: It is a bad week to be a squirrel in Spokane, Washington.  The city parks and recreation department has purchased the Rodenator, a device that pumps flammable gas into rodent holes and then ignites it with a spark.  The agency has called the method humane, since squirrels are instantly killed by the explosion.  And as an added bonus, “it automatically roasts their nuts!”  (Yeah, I know, don’t write me any letters)

IT’S ABOUT TIME: An overdue library book has finally been returned after 110 years.  Originally checked out by Mutt Baird, the 1,535 page Webster’s dictionary was from the Lyn Public Library in Ontario, Canada in 1899, but it was not returned when his family moved to New York State that winter.

Last week, his nephew, 83-year old Dale Fenton Baird Sr. of Denver, presented it to Orval Ladd, president of the Lyn Heritage Place Centre, in time for the center’s 225th anniversary.  The fine, in case you are wondering, if imposed would have been $9,000.

It was waived.

NO FREE LUNCH: A government worker in Bingham, New York, who had to stay at his desk during the recent massacre, wants compensation for missing his lunch hour.  He was locked down during the spree that left 14 other people dead.  He has since demanded that he be paid for the lunch hour that he missed.

What a guy, I mean really, what a guy.

ANGEL IN THE SKY: A Louisiana man was traveling with his wife and two daughters aboard a Super King turboprop when the pilot who was in charge of his flight blacked out.  The passenger then radioed air-traffic controllers in Miami, who guided him to a Fort Myers airport and talked him through the landing.

He has a pilot’s lic. but said the only thing he knew how to do up there was talk on the radio.  The pilot later was said to have died from a heart attack.  Talk about raising your stress levels and doing it quickly.  “When you stop screaming Mr. Smith, look out your right window, you should be able to see the airport, do you see it?  Mr. Smith?  Mr. Smith?”

BURGER KING EL GRANDE: These people never seem to learn.  Now Burger King has agreed to pull a commercial running on European Television after Mexico formally complained that it used a negative stereotype of Mexicans.  The commercial for the “Texican Whopper” shows a short wrestler dressed in a cape resembling a Mexican Flag.

The wrestler teams up with a lanky American cowboy almost twice his size to illustrate the cross-border blend of flavors.  Mexico’s ambassador to Spain said that “we have to tell these people that in Mexico we have a great deal of respect for our flag.”  He ought to move to the U.S. where they routinely abuse the flag by making handkerchiefs out of it, shirts, bathing suits, and other ridiculous articles of clothing.

No word on the new General Motors commercial that depicts the “Little House On The Cheebie” to run on Mexican television, updates on that later.

POSSIBLY RELATED: A man and his wife were driving their Recreational Vehicle across the country and were nearing a town spelled Kissimmee. They noted the strange spelling and tried to figure how to pronounce it – KISS-a-me; kis-A-me; kis-a-ME. They grew more perplexed as they drove into the town.

Since they were hungry, they pulled into a place to get something to eat. At the counter, the man said to the waitress: “My wife and I can’t seem to be able to figure out how to pronounce this place. Will you tell me where we are and say it very slowly so that I can understand.”

The waitress looked at him and said: “Buuurrrgerrr Kiiiinnnng.”

(thanks to Jonco)

THE DEGRINGOLADING RUSSIAN: Some days it doesn’t pay to get out of bed.  A Russian man who downed three bottles of vodka survived a 5 story plunge out a window to the street below.  After his drinking binge, during which he jumped out of his kitchen window and somehow survived the fifty foot fall.  He then staggered back upstairs, where his wife berated him for being an idiot.

It is nice to note here that “understanding wives” are worldwide; I just thought it was here at my house, but it appears they are everywhere. (Yeah, I know, don’t write me any letters)

Back to crazy Ivan.

The man then tried to kill himself again, “When I heard my wife screaming at me, I thought it was best that I left the room again – out the window.”  After medics treated him for bruises, he announced he’d decided to give up drinking.

Fortunately for us, we live in the bottom level of our duplex and jumping out of a basement window, isn’t conducive to harmful behavior.  Which is one reason I stopped drinking years ago, I just got awful tired of waking up on someone’s floor, especially in a house where I did not know the occupants.

That is a real bummer.

OOO

Cartoon courtesy of Think Progress.online

Media Smoke and Mirrors

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Man, I hate sitting down to an empty screen early in the morning, nothing remotely interesting about that at all.  Oh well, here is Tuesday’s riposte, for whatever it is worth.  It occurs to me that I have not scratched the surface of toxic waste here lately, might take a shot at that this morning, being as it is such a nice day outside.  Been awhile since I took a shot at the media, might give that a whirl while I am at it.

Like I said, “it has so far, been a slow day.”

Yesterday one of our readers pointed out to me “that things are not always the way they seem to be” (concerning media coverage of certain items) and she most certainly is right.  Every now and then, someone drops by to wipe the window-panes of my world, and I can clearly see things that I could not see before, such is the case with yesterday’s mail.

Take for instance, the recent expose on CBS award winning broadcast, Sixty Minutes, on “Clean Coal” which neglected to show the rape and pillaging of the environment in West Virginia and the coal companies practice of mountain top mining (removing the top of mountains in order to get to the coal).

Clearly this media coverage of this event was one-sided at best.  This is just one thing that she pointed out to me.

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If you have never been in this particular area of America (West By-Gawd Virginia as the locals call it), you need to go and experience it, before it is gone.  Not long ago, I remember a group of people in the same area and parts of Kentucky and Tennessee taking the coal companies to task and hauling them into court for the damages they were doing.  They won a judgment and a cease and desist order from the state courts.

The coal companies however got the decision kicked up to the higher federal courts, who in turn then took the judgment, turned it over, reversed it in their favor, and business continued as usual.

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So much for justice.


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Perhaps they just thought we might not notice?

So having been stirred out of my “everything is just swell in my world” frame of mind, I started thinking about all this pirate hi-jinks in another part of the world.  (By the way, I just hate it when that happens)  Take for instance this pirate issue which has been in the news quite a bit here lately. When these boys in Somalia do what they have been doing, the entire world wants to declare judgment on them and declare in essence “a war on the pirates.”

Now a few of these so-called pirates are indeed just that, kidnappers who are only after ransom money, or what amounts to high sea gangsters stealing anything and everything, including humanitarian aid.

But did you ever stop to think that a lot of what is going on is by “legitimate Somalis” who have a very different and entirely legal reason for intercepting western shipping in the area?  They are desperately trying to protect their country against illegal dumping of hospital sludge and in some cases, nuclear waste.

Of course, this is not reported, it is not newsworthy, it is not sensational.

The news media has a profound tendency to report news in this very fashion, if it doesn’t bleed, then it doesn’t lead.  Ever hear of a story about a teenager in America, doing something nice?  When native Indians in the Amazon, organized and tried their level best to stop the destruction of their land by the mining companies and lumber interests, they were declared “criminals” and in some cases hunted down and eliminated.

I rest my case.

Here is something that most folks do not consider or even are aware of.  Once the government of Somalia collapsed in 1991, Europe began using the Horn of Africa as a garbage dump for hospital and factory waste including heavy metals and radioactive materials.  The European companies have been contracting with the Italian Mafia to dispose of their waste as cheaply as possible.

For a very long time, the waste in Genoa and Naples, Italy was a very real problem for local officials.  Personally having visited Naples, I can attest to this fact, “you can smell Naples a long time before you can see it from a ship at sea.”

No media attention is paid to the fact that European ships having routinely been looting the waters off of Somalia of their fish stocks.  Tons of tuna, shrimp, and lobster are being illegally fished, while Somali fisherman find it ever harder to make a living or often, just bring in a decent catch.

Most of the boats now called “pirate ships” are in fact, Somali fishermen who are trying to prevent poaching and dumping on their waters.

So as our reader so aptly points out in her email, “things are not always as they appear to be” in this day and age, and for most part, I have to agree.  Makes one wonder, “Just who are the real criminals in all this?”

On most days it is pretty hard to weed them out from all the rest.

OOO

Junk Mail

From time to time I have to stop and re-evaluate what it is that I do, and determine if it is worth the time and effort it takes to make it all work.  One thing I have done here lately has come back to bite me and that was in a practice that I developed or adopted.

This concerns emails and the dissemination of information concerning this site.

A lot of folks believe that it is necessary every now and then to send out an email to get “back in touch with readers who have dropped out.”  In theory this is a good idea, but from a practical standpoint, it is fatally flawed.  You see, when you send out as I was sending out (a month of summaries, what had occurred on the site for 30 days) it made it volumes of information that I now see was for the most part … uninteresting.  It wouldn’t be a big stretch to say it was “junk mail” pure and simple.

Having discovered the flaws in mail outs, it appears that it could be done in a different fashion.  A better concept would be to send out a weekly synopsis (five or six posts total) and make it a lot less wordy.  The idea was to draw traffic to the blog, and to help it grow.  It was not designed to harass or irritate the recipients, which I have found in some cases, is exactly what it did.

Mail outs are sort of like the television show “American Idol” where the contestants believe or think they can sing, when in reality they cannot.  When you mail out the works of a month of publishing, you assume everyone shares your views and your passion on the issues mentioned, when in reality, a lot of them could care less.

What you are doing is “bothering them” and that was not the original intent.

When you do this mail out you also mistakenly assume that the people who are the recipients of this mail out appreciate what it is that you are doing.  Far from it, a lot of folks I have discovered, do not share my enthusiasm and interests, and resent the mailing(s).  So, having learned from my experience, I am going to stop doing this, in the end, we should all benefit from it.  At least that is the game plan for right now, this is where it is headed.

Our post today is just to point out that all the tips and procedures that you read about on the web, don’t always work or lead to a positive effective result.  Might take it with a grain of salt and think about it the next time you want to do some kind of mass mail out on your site to generate traffic.  If you write a blog or publish on the web, this could be of value to you, a pointed example of what works and what doesn’t.

Perhaps it is a good thing that a person could not at any time, turn around and look upon the mistakes of his life.  If it were so, my path would be littered with numerous markers to remind me of all the issues I have dealt with over the years, the good and the bad.

If any of you have found yourselves on the receiving end of one of my mail outs, and it irritated you, I apologize. Hopefully I have learned the lesson in all of this and it will not happen again.  Such is life, you fix what needs fixing and you throw away what it is that doesn’t work.

You try and move on and make it better.

OOO

RELATED:  Mis-Communicated

Love Hurts

Uh, I forgot?

Santa Fe New Mexico Officials have figured out why they could not find the 50-year old time capsule, due to be opened in 2010.  The capsule was never buried.  A local newspaper has revealed that Santa Fe’s former mayor quietly gave up on the time capsule in 1960 when the city ran short of money.  “Those were the days of confusion, days of chaos.”  said the mayor.  The capsule, a 150-pound iron tube, would up being used as a garbage can in an office supply store.

Time In A Bottle

Darin Winkler was walking along the banks of the Spokane River when he spotted an antique bottle with an old fashioned cork stopper, inside was a pencil-written note dated March 30th, 1913, requesting that the finder of the bottle contact Emmett Presnell of Rockford, Washington.  By sleuthing on the Internet. Winkler determined that Presnell died in 1978 after a long career as a homesteader.  Presnell’s 86-year old nephew, Tom, thinks his uncle launched the bottle out of curiosity while tending cattle on the banks of nearby Rock Creek or Hangman Creek.

Not everyone believes in Earth Day and a healthy planet.

Spokane residents are smuggling in dishwasher detergent to evade a new ban on phosphate containing cleaners.  Many consumers say the new “green phosphate free detergents” they’ve bought leave their dishes greasy and encrusted with food.  So they’ve stooped to driving to Idaho to load up on Electrosol and Cascade.  “Yes I am a smuggler” said resident Patti Marcotte.  “I am taking my chances because dirty dishes I just cannot live with that.”

New wrinkle on an old twist.

Thousands of boat owners hit hard by the recession are abandoning their pleasure craft, rather than pay for their upkeep and mooring, by sandpapering off their registration numbers and sinking them at sea or ditching them in harbors or on the shoreline.  Our waters already polluted and strained to very breaking point are now becoming the new dumping grounds, especially hard hit, Florida.

Unfortunately for Mother Earth, the news is never going to be good.  Man will never be concerned about global warming or the greenhouse effect.  The words are not scary enough, they do not evoke the primary emotion of fear.  Global means all-encompassing, warming connotes comfort, green equals growth in most peoples’ minds, and house breaks down to shelter in some schools of thought.  Growth, shelter, and all encompassing comfort.

It is at best a “mixed message.”

Doesn’t sound like a real threat.

Relax.

With automakers expecting to sell 6 million fewer cars this year than last year, and estimated 1,200 car dealers will go out of business this year.  900 went out of business last year.  Newest attempt at fleecing the consumer here is “an advertising fee.” As it was explained to me this is added to the car because “we have to advertise these cars, so all of us in a three state area, pay into an advertising pool” that is what that is for.

Yeah shure, sign me up for that, and throw in another five gallons of turn signal fluid while you are at it. People who operate like this, they deserve to go under.  In this case it is better to entertain an idea, than to take it home to live with you for the next 8 to 10 years of your life.

The new Arabs of America

The Japanese dealers in the area, riding high on their own particular Tsunami of economic good news, are now selling their cars for “FULL RETAIL PRICE” plus an added $900 dealer prep sticker or some other bogus charge in order to drive up the price.  So trust that greed and avarice are still alive in this country, despite the best efforts of the government at trying to stop or kill it.

Bored?

Have we a deal for you.

Chase a twister in Oklahoma on Tempest Tours five-night mini tornado tour.  Thrill-seekers board “storm-intercept vehicles” and hunt down severe weather patterns.  The tour runs June 8 thru the 13th, and packages start at $1,295 with lodging.  Me and the wife were in a “storm-intercept vehicle” once, it cost us about $1,300 in hail damage and of course, “was a real adventure.”

Here is a switch for you.

Reverse Migration

Sallie Mae (student lending institution) is closing down call centers and IT operations in India and other foreign countries and will bring the jobs back to the United States.  Hard to believe eh?  Sallie Mae, which employs 8,000 people nationwide, expects to add 2,000 jobs to its U.S. Payroll in the next 18 months.  I am sorry Punjab, you will now have to move to the USA and we are going to have to ask you to turn in your locker keys. Who knows, it might be soon, that you will be able to pick up a telephone, call these people, and get someone in Birmingham Alabama, who actually speaks English and you can understand them.  Now that is a concept.

Love hurts.

A Florida man was arrested recently while wearing an “I love (heart) my marriage” t-shirt.  He was arrested for allegedly choking his wife and throwing numerous items at her during a fight.  Isn’t marriage a wonderful institution, where you search the ends of the earth, for that “special person” that you can hook up with, and annoy for the rest of his/her life.  Marriage is a rough job, because you always end up dealing with feelings and of course, lawyers.

Yeah?  I hear you snickering and giggling, chortling and you are not fooling anyone.  If you believe that marriage is a 50/50 proposal, then you do not know a thing about women in general and nothing about percentages.

There is always another perspective on it, if you want a taste of it, check it out. That Saddity Chic

Now me, I am a smart man, a practical man, a man for all seasons.  I do not want to, nor do I plan, to irritate my wife.  I am going to make every possible effort to insure that my marriage is a full and rewarding experience, that it is a success, a model for all to see.

Why?

Because I love my house, that is why.

OOO

The Love Boat

Hump Day Special

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Mercury on the thermometer is supposed to hit almost eighty today, a good day to curl up with a book on the porch, a glass of sweet tea and just let life take its course.

Unfortunately, it is also the time of the year, when things grow.  I have to get out and mow the yard today, first time for the season, I am not looking forward to this, but the lawn guy sez that I have to do it now, so he can apply the chemicals that makes all the bad stuff go away.

That is an Okie Scientific term y’all.

Watched a two hour special on “Our Poisoned Waters” last night on PBS, definitely not a good time to be a frog or a fish if you live in Seattle or the Chesapeake Bay Area of Virginia.  Then it was “What happens when Comets or Asteroids hit earth” which could explain why the Mayan Calendar expires in 2012.  Rushing headlong into the abyss and my appointed ten p.m. bedtime and the coupe de gras  … “When civilization dies, what happens then?”

No more MasterCard, priceless, or Starbucks I assume.

Afterwards I just wanted to lite a bunch of small scented candles, strategically placed around the rim of the bathtub, soak in the luke warm water and of course, slit my wrists.  To just lie there in the tranquility of the moment, me and Celine Dion and the tape player stuck on repeat play.

The world could have ended.  Could be all of this has happened and I just flat out did not notice?  I have not received “one comment” all week long, and that is surely unusual for us.  Could it be it is all over, that the last bus for the day has run, and I am not aware?

This morning I discover that Prozac and Zanex and some other anti depressant medicines can actually lead to the end of romance.   According to this theory, these powerful drugs change the neurons in the brain, and discourage amorous activity and repel love.  I guess the next logical thing will be sex without the “X.”  Dull, lifeless, boring, unexciting lovemaking, as in non-X rated sex.  A day without sunshine is like sex without the X kind of deal.

This one is so creepy, you are going to swear I am making it up, but I am not.  Flogging your way to love.  Sadomasochism may seem like a puzzling way for a couple to express their affection, but a new study shows that couple who spank or tie each other up feel closer afterward.  It is probably the shared activity that brought the couple closer together.  So there you go.  Want more happiness in your marriage then the recipe is simple …

Whip me.  Beat Me.  Make Me Write Bad Checks!

So in the spirit of the day, I now invent for you, “Cognitive Recognition Disease” which is a disorder that only affects men and it produces an enzyme in the mind that forces the male to NOT recognize the new hair style of the wife or the significant other in his life.

The short name for this is called “Hair Blindness.”

If you have any other requests or disorders that you need addressed, please email them in to our mailbox, and we will invent something that will allow men to get off the hook with their help mates.  Please have your current telephone and credit card number handy.

CBS is reporting that oil companies are shutting down rigs in the gulf of Mexico.  With oil inventories now falling by 1.4 million barrels a day, oil traders are betting the price of it will go up.  I mean, there is a major “duh?” if I ever saw one.  Looks like it is going past $50 per barrel this week, up from $40 and nowhere near the record high of $147 per barrel and your first born male child that we saw last year.

Dumb crooks, oh how I just “love” dumb crooks.

A Pennsylvania man allegedly tried to rob a retired police chief at a convention of police officers and was, not surprisingly … arrested.  The former chief had just emerged from a men’s room stall when the dumb crook brandished a gun and demanded cash.

About that time he was promptly swarmed by roughly a dozen of the 300 narcotics cops at the conference.  “He actually walked past a great big poster that said … WELCOME NARCOTICS OFFICERS … which I suppose would make him possibly the dumbest guy in Pennsylvania.

A thirteen year old kid in Iowa was arrested for biting 11 kids at his school.  His father said he meant no harm, but was obsessed with the vampire move Twilight. Reminds me of the old joke, where the guy goes to the doctor and the doctors says to him, “I have some bad news, you have rabies.”  Upon hearing the news, the patient immediately produces a notepad and a pen and starts writing in it furiously.  The doctor, curious, inquires of him, “What is that, your last will and testament?”

And the guy stops writing looks up and says, “Hell no, this is a list of people I am going to bite!”

(Yeah I know, but remember, all of it, all of this ……. Is free)

An Ontario woman became terrified by a card board cutout of a coyote that had been set up in a park to scare away geese.  The coyote, she said, “barked” at her as she jogged by, and she fled in panic and called 911 to report a wild animal on the prowl.  Now here is the really sad part of all this …. The Police surrounded the coyote before realizing it wasn’t real.

Hammered down Grandma.

A woman in Oregon after being stopped for driving 103 mph on a road with her 10 year old grandson in the car explained to police that she was only trying to teach the boy to never drive that fast.radar

I got a ticket on Sunday for no seat belt, I still don’t know how it was he bagged me, but he did.  So we pull over, and he says “I will be right back” and when he hands the ticket to me to sign, I comment, “All them cop shows on TV when the guy is stopped and he is polite and nice, and honest like I was, well, they get a warning ticket.

The cop smiled and said, “That is television Mr. Smith, this is reality.

C’mon comet ……

OOO

Whacked Out World II

A little taste of the world around you this morning, for you to enjoy.  Last night they had a special on the Burger King Commercial on the local news, proving once again, we are just a little ahead of the curve on some of this.  We did it first.

Live, Local, Late Breaking my butt.

We continue to amuse, confuse and expand the parameters of your horizon’s and it is all free.  Where can you get a better deal than that?

Lower Duck Pond, Lithia Park, Ashland. Police responded to a report of two dogs running loose and attacking ducks at about 11:20 a.m. Sunday.  The officer cited a resident for his loose dogs.  The duck refused medical treatment and left the area according to police records.

An Edgewood man reported recently that his wife had gone missing some 18 months ago.  Which reminds me of the old joke, where the state trooper stopped the man on the highway and asked him, “Do you know why I stopped you?” and the old man replied, “No sir.  I don’t.”  So the trooper said to him, “Your wife fell out of the car about three miles back!” and the old man took his hand, wiped his furrowed brow and exclaimed, “Oh thank the Lord!  I had thought I had went deaf.”

Remember, this is all “free.”

A 21 year old reported a battery on East Green Street Friday night.  According t a police report, an unknown suspect threw a condom at the victim hitting him in the face (Yuck!).  No arrests have been made at the time of the report.  I understand that some guys actually get embarrassed when they have to buy condoms.  That should not be a big deal, now take me for instance, it always embarrasses me having to throw them away unused after they expire.

And don’t buy into that “condoms are safe” lie either.  I knew a guy that was wearing one and he got hit by a bus!  You cannot believe everything that you read.

Remember, this is all “free.”

Police checked the area and found an open door in the back of the building.  An officer went inside and called out, “Marco.”  The man’s name was not Marco, detective Tim Dohr said.  Instead, “the officer was trying to inject some humor into the situation.”

Police found the suspect after he responded, “Polo.”  Our house was burgularized one time, I believe the guys that did it were gay.  Nothing was actually stolen, but all the furniture had been rearranged.

Really strange.

Employees of Eckerd’s reported about 12:25 a.m. Tuesday that two men came into the store, loaded birthday bags with “Have a nice day” yellow faces on them, with 52 tubes of vaginal anti-fungal cream, and left without paying.  The cream was valued at $894.98.

Full Size Mattress: Royal Tonic, 20 year warranty.  Like new.  Slight urine smell.  $40

CHINA CABINET: buffet, hutch solid pine, tall X 4.5 wide, lighted windows, few scratches but cat has been killed $700.

“I often think how different the world would be if Hitler had not been turned down when he applied to art school.”

Uh-Huh?

“We was sitting on the porch, and the tornado dropped right on down to swoop us and the dog up, came out of clear blue sky.”

Uh-Huh?

“Find out for yourself how much fun riding a lawnmower can be?”

Uh-Huh?

FOR SALE:  Collection of old people, call ***- 9455.

TURKEY FOR SALE:  Partially eaten.  Only eight days until Thanksgiving, both drumsticks still intact.  $23 OBO.

GE MAMMOGRAM DISH WASHER for sale, white, good condition, $20

WANTED: Somebody to go back in time with me.  This is not a joke.  PO Box 322, Oakview Ca 93022.  You’ll get paid after we get back.  Must bring your own weapons.  Safety not guaranteed.  I have done this once before.

HUMAN SKULL:  Used once only.  Not plastic. $200 OBO  Dr. Scott Tyler

USED TOILET PAPER:  For sale I have a wide selection of brands and designs call for detailed prices.

TOMBSTONE: Standard Gray, a good buy for someone named “Grady.”  1995 Nissan Maxima, green, leather, loaded, CD, auto start, sunroof, 4-door, good condition, $4500 Not for sale.

BEAM ME UP SCOTTY:   This president has listened to some people, the so-called Vulcans in the White House, the ideologues.  But you know, unlike the Vulcan’s of Star Trek who made the decisions based on logic and fact, these guys make it on ideology.  These aren’t Vulcan.  There are Klingons in the White House.  But unlike the real Klingon of Star Trek, these Klingon’s have never fought a battle of their own.  Don’t let faux Klingon’s send real Americans to war.  (Rep. David Wu (D-Oregon) in a speech on the floor of Congress)

This why most states have Congressional leaders elected in pairs … So that at lease one of them can be the designated driver.

Tuesday in a nutshell …. Get 50% off or half price whichever is less.

And you thought all the news was bad?

OOO

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