It’s On The Tip Of My Tongue

bush_phone_upsidedown

I like Brooks & Dunn, country and western singers, they have a song on one of my CD’s and it is entitled, “Your Gonna Miss Me.” And I suppose it would be fair to say a lot of people are going to miss Shorty, when he and Laura check out and head back to Texas.  (It is fairly apparent that I will not be one of them)

I am however tiring of ABC and Charles Gibson and these homely little good-bye interviews.  This garbled crap about a “Farewell Tour” and all the other media hype.  I would rather switch over to Rosie O’Donnell’s website and watch her sit on the couch and clip her toe-nails than watch one more folksy interview of Dubya Bush.

“You are simply amazing, how do you stay on top of everything like you do Mr. President?”

“With my busy schedule and all those events, uh,uh, renaming tracts of land for the oil companies, protecting the coal companies from frivolous lawsuits, giving away large chunks of our National Forests to Plum Creek, and granting mining rights on our minerals to the Canadians, I stay busy.  I did single handily bring Wall Street to their knees earlier this year, and no one is taking steroids in baseball anymore, we are safe there.  Personally I am a Dallas Cowboys fan, I just love those tights.”

“What do you see yourself doing when you leave the White House Mr. President.”

“Laura and I have discussed that at great length, and y’know there are certain restrictions about the operation of chain saws in a residential area.  We have been mulling over part-time divorce counselor, string digital cable installer, protecting most of the free world from too much BS and starting a library on the grounds of great learning institution that will be staffed not by scholars, but governmental butt kissers, or as some call them, intellectuals.  We will uh, also try to move a basketball franchise into the area, providing that they can pass a steroid screening process, we are currently looking for someone to promote it for us, someone big, say like, Michael Jackson.”

“What do you use to keep yourself so organized Mr. President?”

“I don’t have a Palm Pilot, I would like to try one, but I am afraid I might go blind.  I am somewhat addicted to my cellphone, but strangely, it has gotten very quiet and no one is calling anymore.  We need to check on that Laura.  I have a laptop computer, but I use it exclusively for email and online gaming, Grand Theft Auto is my favorite.  I don’t write anything down.  Everything is in my head, it drives people crazy.  I know I am “supposed to use it” but everything seems to fit so well between my ears, so that is where I store all the information in the free world, those things important to Ameri-kuh.  Most of it is not all that factual to begin with, government stuff, shock n awe, Gitmo, so if you need to embellish it a little in order to clarify, well that is okay too.”

“Doesn’t this present problems Mr. President?”

“No, not really.  When I got into the house of representatives, the senate, a George Town Bar, the occasional random Carls’ Hamburger Joint, I just recreate in my mind everything — the size, the color the shape of the doors — everything.  What I do is close my eyes and walk through the entire event.  I say “We’re going to use a bowl of roses and we’re going to use a bronze bowl.  There is NO way that anyone will NOT like this.  It is such a hoot.  I learned it from Karl and Rumms-dummie, if you cannot dazzle them with brilliance, then baffle them with bull, old Texas trick.  Most people you can drag down with facts in about three days, isn’t that right Laura?  “Huh?  Hmmmmm whuts zat honey?  Must have dozed off.  Anyway Charles, all you have do is hang in there for say, four uh, or six, maybe uh, eight years and you will reach a point where 44% of the statistics are made up about 99.4% of the time.”

“Mr. President, do I understand correctly that you write down NOTHING?”

“Oh, I have one of those little day timers that was given to me when I first started out in the oil business on our first bankruptcy I think it was.  My daddy gave it to me with the start up money which we blew right away, it is hot in the oil fields of Texas in the summer time, a fella can git awfully dry out there in the Panhandle of Texas.  My day timer is a small one, kind of fits in my pocket, it is called “The Economist Wallet Diary” that one thar is a hoot, wouldn’t you agree Charles?  One time we went to Hawaii about six or seven years ago, I was in Maui, and I knew I just left it by the phone.  I was so uptight on the plane, to make a long story short, Laura and I flew back there that very minute and there it was.  That is how desperate I was for my day timer.”

“You flew all the way back to Maui to retrieve this one item Mr. President?”

“Oh yes, you can do these tings when you are on a full expense paid, first class junket, and you are not paying the tab.  The one other time I lost it was at the Orlando Flea Market down there close to that other place that got blown away in a hurricane or a tornado a few years back, I forget the name.  Anyway I called a psychic who was really good and she saw it on a ledge on a building.  Within an hour, a guy from the secret service came and he too saw it on the ledge at the post office laying there as she described it to me.  I cannot live without it, I keep my hate mail list of all the people in Dallas, all of my hopes and dreams, my many plans and schemes, all of it , is in there.”

“Do you have any regrets about leaving the public arena Mr. President.”

“Wall, uh yeah, I uh,  I am a BIG fan of government, I believe we cannot possibly have enuff government in this wonderful country, even though me and Cheney didn’t use much of it ourselves, it is good enuff for the people, then it is good enough for me.  I may write a book about it, but I am gonna buy me one of them thar spelling checker things first.  I mean, fifty percent of the world knows how to spell, homeless people are lucky cause they git to camp out each night and the other sixty-two percent are hicks who cannot read anyway.  Me and the wife are contemplating going to Europe so that we can study the great museums and see where all those forefathers came from  Y’know those guys that came over on the three ships, The Pinto, The Cordova and The Coupe De Ville.”

“So you plan on doing some traveling after leaving office Mr. President?”

“Uh yeah, we were thinking about going to visit some friends we have in the San Francisco Bay Area of California.  I like the Bay Area, I practically grew up in Phoenix.”

One last thing Mr. President, “Do you have any specific goals in the coming New Year?”

“Wall, yeah, I uh, we are just going to sit back and take it easy Charles.  Fortunately all of our money was being held in trust for us, so those lousy dirty-egg-sucking dawgs in the banking industry could not get their hands on ours, we is in pretty good shape.   On the other hand Charles, you will find five more fingers.  Are you going to want this used swizzle stick, I am keeping the cherry.”

“One last question Mr. President, as I am sure you are aware of the current chaotic conditions in the Middle East and the eruption of hostilities in the Gaza Strip and Israel.  In your opinion what would it take to have World Peace.”

“Wall, uh yeah, I uh know this one, it is right here, on the tip of my tongue, I know this one ……..”

Yeah, I am really going to miss this guy.

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bumper-sticker


It’s A Dogs Life

So we are sitting in our media room (Mr. & Mrs. Trump of the neighborhood — hahahaha) watching television and it is this old Kung Fu movie, you know the kind where the hero says something and then there is a short delay, and here comes the English.

And all of a sudden the wife she just busts out laughing and I am at a loss for what is so funny so I said, “Lord girl, what is wrong with you?” and she says, “These guys, they crack me up!” Cup Cake, my wife is Chinese and she is fluent in five languages, and she is watching this clearly not rated piece of celluloid out of some backyard shot in Hong Kong, DVD garbage and laughing to beat the band.

“Honey, correct me if I am wrong, but this is some kind of kung-fu nut buster this isn’t a comedy.”

And then she says, yeah I know, but they have it all wrong!  This guy just said, “I scare nothing!  Even you become napkins!” (Bad Chinese to English translation)  Guess you had to be there.

By The Numbers — What do you believe in?

34% of Americans say electing the first black president made them feel “more proud” to be American and only some 12% say they were less proud.  71% of those polled said that they were optimistic about Mr. Obama’s presidency, including 50% of people who voted against him.

65% believe the country is now better off and will be in much better shape at the conclusion of his first four year term.  67% say that they see Obama’s election as a sign that America’s racial problems will eventually be worked out.

And a full 60% of American’s say that they would support an openly gay candidate for president.  47% of those polled said that they believed that America’s best days lie ahead, compared with 36% who say the nation is past its prime.

If You can start your morning …

If you can start the day without caffeine,
If you can get going without pep pills,
If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,
If you can overlook it when those you love take it out on you when, no fault of yours, things go wrong,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can ignore a friend’s limited education and never correct him,
If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend,
If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor, If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
If you can say honestly that deep in your heart you have no prejudice against creed, color, religion, or politics,

Then, my Brother, you are as good as your dog. – Author unknown

If you cannot make it — phone it in.

My wife will get so tired of me telling my old jokes, what woman is there, who has not had to endure the telling of really bad jokes and the embarrassment of being married to some clown who likes to tell them.  (You do not have to comment on this, it was just a suggestion)  Anyway, I tell one that she isn’t all that fond of … “What is the name of the first Chinese Test Tube Baby?” … “No Funsun.”

For some reason, she will tell me that is not funny.

Neither is “Why are test tube babies better off than regular babies?” — “They get a womb with a view!” and she will look at the ceiling and mutter — “Norman, not funny.” (Quote from a Brad Pitt – Robert Redford movie, A River Runs Thru It (again, you had to be there).

Apparently this happens in real life.

A Canadian man insists that he should not pay child support on the grounds he was asleep when he and his ex-girlfriend conceived a baby.  It is kind of like when Raymond who is headed upstairs to have sex, yells down at Deborah in the kitchen and says, “C’mon, you have to be here for at least some of this.”

The Canadian man told a court that he was visiting the woman in 2006, and when he awoke in the middle of the night, she was having sex with him.

Now this is where it REALLY GETS GOOD he demanded that “she cease and desist” (Yeah Right!) but nine months later she gave birth, allegedly causing the father serious mental distress.  It has to be true, I mean, “I read it on the Internet.”

Magic Mushrooms

Mushrooms might just make you a happier, more spiritual person.  Researchers at Johns Hopkins found that years after taking the hallucinogenic drug psilocybin in an experiment, subjects were still affected by their experience, during which they felt a profound connection to everyone and everything.  61% felt that they were better people — more loving, open, and sensitive.  “There was a sense of relief and joy and ecstasy when my heart was opened” reported one volunteer.  (Not to mention the flight of baby pink elephants that circled my ceiling fan every night after lights out)

Whole Lot Of Shakin Going On

So yesterday, I am sitting in this intersection in my old hoopie and I am minding my own business, when all of a sudden, the old truck starts vibrating really bad, I mean it is a shakin’ now Honey, on a 3.5 scale if it were in the Bay Area of California or on the streets of Compton in L.A..  I look at the sky in anticipation of the ash cloud reigning down on me, Yellowstone surely has blown its cap and we are in trouble.

Nuthin.

I am thinking to myself, “What in the world is this?” and then out of the corner of my left-eye I notice the trunk on the car next to me “kind of jumping all around” and I look over and there they are.

Rappers.  This is the source of the disturbance in the atmosphere which surrounds my truck.

Call me old school or whatever you want, but there is just something very stupid and moronic about an old car bouncing and jumping around at an intersection with occupants that seem to be clearly out of it.

And I as I crack my window just a little, I hear the tones, the resonating cacophony of foul language, four letter words and a four part beat — “Kill yo Mutha, Kill yo Father, Kill yo’ bru-tha, Kill all them ——cops!”

I wonder, “Who will pay their disability payments when they all discover at age thirty that their hearing is shot?”

Rap is not music, sorry.

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Tuesday Morning Epiphany

Tapped Out In Phoenix

The state could run out of money to pay its bills as early as next month and may have to borrow in the short term for the first time since World War II. An analysis by the state treasurer’s office shows that Arizona’s fund balance could dip to negative $50 million on Feb. 23 or by mid-March under a more optimistic scenario.  Not long ago, California was reporting the same problem, no money in the till.  It is amazing, they collect all of this money, tons of money, and they never seem to have enough.

One More Fallen Flag

Griffin Georgia – Spalding County officials said a textile plant that employs about 350 people is expected to close next month and move its operations to Brazil. The plant, formerly called Dundee Mills, manufactures towels and other textiles and was once the county’s largest employer. It is operated by Fort Mill, S.C. based Springs Industries.  Will the last person to leave America, please turn off the lites.

What’s In A Name — Evidently big bucks.

When I registered http://www.BoxcarOkie.com it cost me $15, why?  Because no one else had it, no one else wanted it, and I thought it up.  Unfortunately for President Bush and his handlers, it didn’t work out that way.  George W. Bush’s presidential  library domain name has been retrieved after a Web developing company accidentally let it expire – and it apparently came at a high price.

Raleigh, N.C.- based Illuminati Karate paid less than $10 for the http://www.GeorgeWBushLibrary.com domain name and sold it back earlier this year for $35,000 to the library’s contracted Web developers, Yuma Solutions, said George Huger, lead Web developer for Illuminati Karate.

Like P.T. Barium was fond of saying, “There is a sucker born every minute.”

The George W. Bush Presidential Center – which will eventually include a library, museum and public policy institute – is being built at Southern Methodist University in Dallas.  Although it is built on the grounds of an institution of higher learning, it will be staffed with people who are not professors or scholars, but rather, government lackeys.  I suppose most of the information contained will be of the “fiction variety.”

If you are a big Bush fan, come on back at Six O’clock we are going to have a doozy for you it is entitled … “It’s On The Tip Of My Tongue.” … Come early in order to get those choice seats up front, beat the rush, Six O’clock tonight.

Class Act – Pay Attention General Motors

Hyundai is allowing consumers with problems to return their cars to the dealers.  If the purchasers have problems with their job (lose it) or undergo an adverse life occurrence such as physical disability or self employment bankruptcy.  Now here is a class act, General Motors could learn a lot from these people, but of course, after losing market share to them anyway, I suppose they already have.

What’s On The Tube

Early converter purchasers for the new converter boxes that will hook everyone up to the new television network next month are finding that the picture is a lot clearer.  Everything is becoming crystal clear and they are finding a nice surprise in the quality.  About 93% of the nations 1,759 stations are now broadcasting in digital.  Word has it there is hope that there might be an improvement in programming, and actually something worth watching on NBC, but reports on that are still kind of sketchy.

Turn it Off Save Some Money For Your Bail

A man in Port St. John Florida, was jailed for allegedly stealing electricity from Florida Power and Light. The house was decked out with Christmas lights on top of that. Neighbors said, at night, it was one of the brightest homes on the block and investigators said the man living there didn’t have to pay a dime for the power.

He is accused of stealing electricity for months for his home, by rewiring the inside of the meter and then closing it up and replacing a red tag to conceal the change from meter readers.

Electricity theft can cost power companies millions of dollars, passed on to other consumers, and they say re-wiring live power lines could end up costing you your life.  Now as we understand it, he is being held in the County jail on charges of grand theft of services and petty theft. Not only does he have his power bill to pay, he needs $25,000 to bond out of jail.

Pow!  Pow!  Halt — It’s the Police.

Oakland California’s BART’s (Bay Area Rapid Transit) police chief asked for patience from the public on Sunday after video footage surfaced showing one of his officers fatally shooting an unarmed man who was on the ground on a station platform on New Year’s Day.  This plea of compassion came after an attorney for the dead man’s family said he planned to sue the transit agency for $25 million.

After California police officers accidentally made the unarmed man lie face down on the floor and accidentally handcuffed him, and then one of them accidentally draws his gun and accidentally shoots the guy in the back.  Bad Cop No Donut.

Georgia Crack Down

Atlanta soon could be the latest city to outlaw sagging pants. The City Council is set to consider the issue at its weekly meeting.  Council members are proposing the new law, which would “make it illegal to expose one’s undergarments in a public setting.” The measure would be included in an ordinance already on the books which bans simulated acts of intercourse and exposing or touching one’s genitals or breasts.

Atlanta must be a fun place, eh?

If approved, anyone found in violation of the rule could be fined up to $100 and given eight hours of “work on the public streets of the city.” (most likely sweeping up old used condoms)  Proponents have called the sagging pants, crack showing, snoop dawg droopy drawers issue “an epidemic” and “a major concern” as the issue has been debated nationwide and similar laws have been passed.

Critics say the law unfairly targets youths of color.  Perhaps so, but the rest of us are sick of looking at yo nasty crack cause you are too lazy to hike up your pants.  I say go for it and make the fine $500.

It is just not worth it

One in ten young people in Britain think life is not worth living, a report published today has claimed.  Of 2,000 16- to 25-year-olds surveyed for the Prince’s Trust, 12% said their life was “meaningless”, while 14% thought “life has no purpose”.

One in five felt like crying “often” or “always” and nearly half (47%) felt regularly stressed.  Which really reminds me of my sex life right now, but that is another post altogether.

The worst affected were those not in education, employment or training (In the U.K as I understand it, this group of people are called Neets). Thirty seven per cent of Neets polled claimed to be down or depressed compared to 27% of all those surveyed by the polling body

Further reasons for unhappiness included feeling no sense of community, not feeling safe to walk around at night and not having anything to do.  Having a dead-end job was also cited as a major contributing factor. The findings revealed “an increasingly vulnerable generation.”  However, over 70% of all those surveyed and 60% of Neets said they felt happy with life.

We now have more TV channels than you can shake a digital box at, all offering total crap, thereby proving that choice and quality in broadcasting are inversely proportional to each other.  We have cell phones with cameras that have enabled juvenile thugs to go around filming each other attacking total strangers and sending the images to their equally reprobate friends via My Space, Utube.

We have removed the Pledge of Allegiance, God and Prayer from our schools.

Require that children in school speak a language other than their own; memorize instruction manuals written in Klingon by Martians who failed their high school course in intergalactic languages.

And any time they routinely bark at us, we give them every gadget, widget, and thing under the sun they desire … And we wonder why they are unhappy?

Well gotta run, time to mix my prescriptions and read Margaret & Helen.

000

Hold My Baby

baby-doll

Now who is it that says “there is never anything good on television?” So I am watching Dr. Phil and the segment is on “Women Who Have Fake Children and Collect Dolls.”

I am not making this up, women carrying fake kids, and they are called “Reborns” and these women actually assign names to the fake child.

Now my sister used to play with dolls when we were kids, and she had quite a collection of them, but she never substituted them for the “real thing” which is what a lot of women seem to be doing.

Even my own mother at one point in time, collected dolls, Cup Cake manufactured them and sold them at her Flea Market Booth.

Now boys were are different, we build cars, buy shotguns, collect and stuff dead rodents, stuff like that.  This is why everyone who ever got married … wants a boy … At first.

Dr. Phil is one of those shows where you learn all the — uh, “different stuff” in life — Yeah, that it is it, Dr. Phil will teach you all kinds of different stuff.  Oprah will have that doctor on from time to time, that has the ability to ruin a lunch menu, in a New York Minute.

He will talk about items of the human nature like: 

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.  One human hair can support 3 kg (6 lb).  The average man’s penis is three times the length of his thumb.  Human thighbones are stronger than concrete   A woman’s heart beats faster than a man’s. There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet. Women blink twice as often as men. The average person’s skin weighs twice as much as the  brain.Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.  If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

Women reading this will be finished now. Men who read this are probably still busy checking their thumbs.

Now I like Dr. Phil and Oprah, freely admitting that I watch both of them often, and they are often amusing, but this reborn baby thing was kind of creepy.  I had, in my wildest dreams, never considered “normal people” taking up something like this for a hobby.

But apparently many people (women in particular) like to stop and play with newborn babies, and now some adult women are playing house with fake babies. Some women are even going as far as taking day trips with the fake babies to the park, out to eat, and even hosting birthday parties for them.

One gal, forty-nine-year-old Linda is married with no children of her own.  Now, she says she feels like a mother because she has Reborns — dolls made to look and feel like the real thing (Yeah?  I can sit in the garage for half of a day, but that don’t make me a car).

“It’s not a crazy habit, like, you know, drinking, or some sort of, something that’s going to hurt you. It’s like a hobby. and it doesn’t really hurt anybody,” Linda said.

Unless you are say her husband standing in the shop at the end of the day, and all the guys are yelling, “Hey Ray, your old lady is on TV!” Another free trip to the Local Stripper Club on the way home … thanks Hon.

Another surprise was hearing that these women are paying big bucks for this hobby, from $100 to a few thousand dollars. For Reborn owner Lachelle Moore, the fake babies fill a void.   “What’s so wonderful about Reborns is that, um, they’re forever babies,” said Moore, who has grown children and grandchildren. “There’s no college tuition, no dirty diapers… just the good part of motherhood,” she added.

In her Kansas City home, one woman even has an elaborate room for the dolls. She organizes birthday parties, bakes a cake and even invites guests.   Psychologists like Dr. Phil, say there could be a problem if and when these women stop interacting socially with others in their life.

I mean “Duh?  Do you think so?”

All of this reminded me of my shipboard days in the United States Navy where while stationed on an aircraft carrier I observed on numerous occasions this guy walking around the ship with a “dog on a leash.”

Only drawback was “there wasn’t a dog at the end of the leash” there was just air.

He took it with him everywhere he went, he talked to it, he told it to sit, stay, to stop barking, the whole nine yards.  We his sane shipmates of course all thought he was nuts, and often, told him so.  One day while standing in the chow line I happened to be standing next to him and I noticed that he did not have the leash, and I wondered to myself, “Where is the dog?”

So I asked him, “Hey man, where is the dog?”

He just smiled and said, “I don’t need him anymore.  I am getting out on Tuesday.”

You don’t have to be “reborn” to figure that one out.”

Dr. Phil, 3:00 P.M. CST weekdays … Check your local listings.

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RELATED:  Here is a great article on Hobbies from a woman’s perspective, read this well written piece here. True Blue Texan Blogspot.