Welcome to Your New HMO

Three nurses went to heaven, and were awaiting their turn with St. Peter to plead their case to enter the pearly gates.

The first nurse said, “I worked in an emergency room. We tried our best to help patients, even though occasionally we did lose one. I think I deserve to go to heaven.” St. Peter looks at her file and admits her to heaven.

The second nurse says, “I worked in an operating room. It’s a very high stress environment and we do our best. Sometimes the patients are too sick and we lose them, but overall we try very hard.” St. Peter looks at her file and admits her
to heaven.

The third nurse says, “I was a case manager for an HMO.”

St. Peter looks at her file. He pulls out a calculator and starts punching away at it furiously, constantly going back to the nurse’s file. After a few minutes St. Peter looks up, smiles, and says, “Congratulations! You’ve been admitted to heaven … for five days!”

  • Q.     I just joined a new HMO.  How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want?
  • A.  Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents.  Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors who were participating in the plan at the time of the information was gathered.  These doctors basically fall into two categories:  Those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer part of the plan.  But don’t worry — the remaining doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a half a day’s drive away, just outside Amarillo, Texas.  Talking to him however will NOT be tolerated.
  • Q.     What does HMO stand for?
  • A.  Hand over your money or die.  No that is not right.  HMO.  This is actually a variation of the phrase “Hey Moe.”  Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Dr. Moe Howard, who discovered that a patient could be make to forget about the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eyes.  Modern practice now replaces the finger poke with hi-tech equivalents such as voice-mail, referral slips, but the results, remain the same.  You get the sharp stick in the eye pain when you get the bill, and he gets a new car.
  • Q.     Do all diagnostic procedures require a pre-certification?
  • A.  No, only those you need.
  • Q.     What are pre-existing conditions?
  • A.  This is a phrase used by the grammatically challenged when they want to talk about existing conditions.  Unfortunately, we appear to be pre-stuck with it.
  • Q  Well can I get treatment on my pre-existing conditions?
  • A.  Sure, if they do not require treatment.
  • Q.     What happens if I want to use try alternative forms of medicine?
  • A.  You’ll need to find alternative means of payment.
  • Q.  My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand.  I tried the generic medication but it gave me a stomach ache.  What should I do?
  • A.  Poke yourself in the eye.
  • Q. What should I do if I happen to get sick while traveling.
  • A.  Try sitting in a different area of the bus.
  • Q.     No I mean what if I am away from home and I get sick?
  • A.  You really shouldn’t do that.  You’ll have a hard time seeing your primary care physician.  It is best to wait till you return home and then get sick.  The ideal condition would be to NOT get sick period and then everyone would be satisfied and content.
  • Q.     I think I need a specialist, but my doctor insists she/he can handle my problem.  Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in his/her office?
  • A.  Hard to say, but considering that all you’re risking is the $15 co-payment, there’s no harm in giving him/her a shot at it, eh?
  • Q. My insurer reimburses the doctor for my outpatient surgery, but I’d already paid my bill.  What should I do?
  • A. Your doctor can sign the reimbursement check over to you, or you can ask him/her to invest the money for you in one of those great offers doctors and dentists hear about, like windmill farms or frog hatcheries.  Here is the best bet.  Shut up and stop whining.  If you don’t we will boot your generic butt right out of the office.  After  all, we have YOUR telephone number and vital Statistic’s, you don’t have ours, think about it.
  • Q.     Will health care be any better in the next century or the new Obama administration?
  • A.  No, but if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then.

I hope this has cleared up any matter that has given you anxiety.  Now if you will excuse me, I am going to sneak back to my cubicle, paint my face with liquid paper, and become the Office Mime for the rest of the day.

That is if my boss doesn’t decide to fire me or send me some kind of Registered Letter.

000

Raps Not Musak (Audio)

Crank It Up!

You didn’t want to hear that grandbaby talk anyway.

Rap’s Not Even Music

(Parody of Dance to the Music by Sly & The Family Stone)

Hey rap isn’t music
I said rap isn’t music
Come on get it through it your head
I said rap isn’t music

Boom boom ba doo boom box
Boom boom ba doo boom box

Rap’s not even music
Rap’s not even music
We don’t even need a drummer
It’s just a box that keeps our beat
Yeah

Kick it
Yo and get busy
I’m makin’ so much dough
I’m getting’ dizzy
Dizzy like a yoyo

Homeboy hangin’
Lookin’ good to go
We don’t play
We do a show
Rappin the same line
Twice in a row
Twice in a row
Yeah
Twice in a row

I’ve got a big fat bottom
Samplin’ we’re doing it
We take a good tune
And then we ruin it
Overdoin it
Overdoin it
Yeah we’re overdoin it

I’ve got a big fat bottom
He’s got a big fat bottom

Rap’s not even music
Rap’s not even music
Rap’s not even music
Rap’s not even music

Related:  It’s A Dog Life (post)
Thanks to KZOK 102.5 FM

Internet Tips

mail-bag

This week I got an email from Eugene and he wanted to know “How is it that you attract so many people to your site?”  Which is not an easy question to answer, there are no specific or locked-down in place answers to a question framed like that.  It is apparently a mixture of hard work, perseverance, and to some extent, just dumb luck, from what I have been able to gather.

Generating traffic is not easy.  Having read just about everything that I can find on the subject, I have concluded that there are just no pat answers to increasing traffic to your site.  Trust me, there are plenty of Internet Guru’s out there, that claim they have the answers as to what works and what doesn’t.  And guess what?  “After trying just about every gambit in the book, it basically boils down to BS and nothing more.”

What works for me, might not work for you, and what you do and I do, have nothing to do with the end result on a lot of days.  I put up stuff all the time I figure will be an instant hit, and it just lays there.  I put up some innocuous piece of fluff and it blows the numbers sky high.

Go figure.

I have a friend who will always admonish me and say “slow and steady, keep on working at it, and it will grow.”  And I have to admit, he is right.  The race doesn’t always go to the swiftest runner, nor the battle to the strongest man, but that is the way to bet your money.

If you desire a successful blog then have something there for them (the readers) when they come to visit.  You don’t invite people to your house for dinner if you do not have something for them to eat, pretty simple really.  What makes this blog successful is the fact that “you never know what you are going to find here when you show up” that is what I have been told.

That breaks down to variety, choice, something out of the ordinary.  The recipe for Internet success.  There are pages and pages written on the net on this subject, by all these so-called “experts” which I have found to be mostly pure unadultrated crap.  This is what works. One person put it better than I possibly could, here it is:

  • Write.
  • Write.
  • Write often.
  • Write about anything.
  • Write about everything.
  • Write about what you see
  • Write about what you learn.
  • Write about what you think.
  • Write about what you read.
  • WRITE!

In the beginning I was shooting for 50,000 hits in one year, at the time, I figured that was just about impossible by any means or standard.  Low and behold, I was wrong as rain, anything is possible.  We have proved that without a shadow of a doubt.

Having a good attitude is a prime requirement, no one wants to read about your ingrown toenail or the loss of your favorite mailman to another route.  What you put out, is what shows, and if it is negative it is not going to grow.

You have to be able to say …. I will. ….. I can. … And then illustrate it.  Babysit it, nuture it, don’t let anyone come into your house and abuse it.  Keep it clean, be generous and your kind spirit should shine thru in your work.

Last.

You are as only as popular or as good as your last post, that is the bottom line.  You want high numbers?  Then tag it, write it, and put it out there, if it is good, it will make the cut, if it is not.

Well, you know the answer to that one dont’cha?

000

NAFTA Anthem

The NAFTA Anthem,

(Parody of America the Beautiful by Ray Charles)

Our union jobs
With wages high
Will go right down the drain
If auto-makin’ Mexicans
Make economic gains

To Canada and Mexico
We’ll lose our factories
They’ll cut their costs
And be our boss
Just like the Japanese

Now listen up folks. That’s right, you the owners of this country.
It’ll only take me a minute to kill this snake. If NAFTA passes you’re going to hear that giant suckin’ sound I been telling you about.. In fact, I can hear it already. That’s because I got better ears than you do. Now if we’re not careful, we’ll all be drivin’ Ford Tacos and living in cardboard boxes right outside a tortilla chip factory.

Oh Canada and Mexico
We love your beans and cheese
If NAFTA flies
We’ll all make fries
And work at Mickey D’s
And work for Mickey D’s

”Welcome to McDonald’s may I take your order, please?”
”Yes, I’d like order a McTaco with some of that fine Canadian cheese on top.”


”Okay, would you like anything to drink with that?”

“Now hold on. I didnt’ interrupt you, you don’t need to interrupt me. Uh, Could I get your whole brain? “

“That’ll be $2.04 at the second window please.”

“Fine, fine. You do still accept American cash, don’t you? I’m a little short on pesos.”

Drop The Soap (audio)

Bet you thought I was talking about Mr. Obama?   Sorry.  Enjoy your new crib OJ, I hope you are there for a long, long time.  “Don’t drop the soap baby.” Thanks to Bits & Pieces.

OJ

If you are at work, turn down the speakers “first” before playing the parody, don’t want to get you into trouble.

Drop the Soap

(Parody of Rock the Boat by Hues Corporation)

So I’d like to know if
You got the notion
If I touch my toes will
You get the lotion

Drop the soap
Don’t drop the soap baby
Drop the soap
And don’t you bend over
Drop the soap
Don’t tap my butt bubba
Drop the soap

Ever since this prison term began
My tush has lived in fear of some big hairy man
And I’m nervous hanging out with these thugs and thieves
They’re looking for a quiet place to corner me

I hope that I get out on probation
Before someone in that washroom gives me love deviation

So I’d like to know if
You get the notion
If I touch my toes will
You get the lotion
And I’d like to know when
You make a motion
And I’d like the guard to
Hear the commotion

Drop the soap
Don’t drop the soap baby
Drop the soap
Not safe to bend over
Drop the soap
Don’t tap my butt, bubba
Drop the soap
Don’t love me like Rover
Drop the soap
Oooh hoo hoo
Drop the soap
Rock on with the jailbait
Drop the soap
Rock on with your cellmate
Drop the soap
Rock on be the prom date
Drop the soap
Oh no oh oh no oh oh no bubba
Drop the soap
Oh no oh oh no oh oh no bubba
Rock on with your bad self
Drop the soap

Related Post:  The Brutha’s New Crib

Drop The Soap courtesy of KZOK 102.5 FM