My Next Life

It is not easy to hit a home run all of the time, but you still suit up for the game regardless. Our youngest boy, a Baptist Preacher, doesn’t believe all of this is serious business, nor does he believe it will ever amount to anything.

He refers to it as “how’s your your little blog” or some other demeaning phrase used to describe the effort. But me, I love to drive my kid bonkers, I will look at him with that wry grin that I have and say “I am going to Chicago to talk with Oprah and jump on her couch.”

Man, he hates that.

Recently I read this piece in USA Today about “How do you want to be remembered?” Which I found extremely interesting and captivating. Ask yourself “What do I want to be known for? What makes me different?”

Think about the idea of what makes a simple person (such as myself or yourself) into someone famous and fills a need. But all of this got me to thinking about my life, this New Year, and what I have to do or accomplish in the time left for me in this period of my life.

You see, I don’t care if my kid doesn’t believe this is “serious business” or anyone else for that matter. My neighbor believes that it should be more Christian in nature and should preach the gospel more. A friend of mine says I am too rough on politicians and should lay off Republicans. My Internet provider doesn’t really give a flip as long as I shell out the eighty-one fifty per month.

So what do you do?

On some days, you step back take a long hard look at it and then you think. You know what … I really don’t care. I know in my heart and the core of my being that Creative Endeavors is working, it lifts a spirit every now and then, it helps in maybe the smallest of ways, it does something in this world that is positive and good, and that is fine with me. It is slowly and surely setting records, achieving the goals that I set in the beginning, so I like my “little blog.”

The USA Today article made me stop and think about things. In your or in my next life, what would we do differently, if we had it all to do over what would be different from what I have now. I don’t know. If we could change something what do you suppose it would be?

My legions of terror will have helmets with clear Plexiglas visors, not face-concealing ones. All the ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl thru. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten dungeon somewhere on level seven.

I have determined in my next life, that just shooting my enemies is really too good for them. That the artifact that is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be instead kept where it is handy, easy to get to in times of crisis, a place like my savings deposit box.

I will not in my next life, gloat over my enemies’ predicament before killing them. When the rebel leader challenges me to fight one-on-one and asks, “Are you afraid without your armies to back you up?” My reply will be, “No — Thank you very much (always the gentleman, I will not be brave, just sensible)

And when I have successfully defeated and captured my adversary and he says to me, “Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?”

I’ll shoot him and then say, “No.”

In my next life, after I kidnap the beautiful princess, with a seductive smile and nice ta-tahs, we will be married immediately at a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.

In my next life I will also never order or include any kind of self-destruct mechanism unless it is absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labeled.— “Danger. Do Not Push.”

I will not order my lieutenants to kill the infant who is destined to overthrow me — I will do it myself. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum — a small hotel well outside my borders will suffice just fine. I will be at all time secure in my identity and my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show that they pose no threat to evil.

In my next life I will not waste time making my enemies death look like an accident. I am not accountable to anyone and my other enemies would not believe it anyway. I will make it clear that I do know the meaning of the word “mercy.” I simply will not choose to show it to any of them. In the interest of the public, all of my enemies will be cremated not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.

My undercover agents will not have tattoos identifying them as members of my organization. They will not be required to wear military boots or adhere to any other dress code, or don’t ask, don’t tell regime of thought.

The hero is not entitled to a “last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.”

We will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into action will be foiled. We will design all doomsday machines ourselves and if necessary we will hire a mad scientist to assist us, or at least consult with Al Gore beforehand.

These weapons will be known as “WMD” and will be mostly in the background or just plain made up and not real – the Rummsfield Rove Compact implied threat principle.

Much like the current administration in charge right now, I will never employ people as advisers, nor will I occasionally listen to their advice. I will not allow any one commercial by William Shatner or a re-run of the Survivor Series in my new life.

And most importantly, in the future. In my next life … “I will try and finish High School so I can make my little blog even better in the future.” If by perhaps chance or circumstance “something worthwhile or important happens between now and then” I will try to make note of it and write it down.

Before we head out to Chicago, I will let you know, so y’all can set your VCR’s.



Big Biz


War is good business, invest your kid.

The United States sold $32 billion in weapons on the world market last year, making it the number one producer of arms in the world.  Here is another thing that is interesting.  More than twenty five customers of U.S. Arms sales are NOT democratic developing countries and are known to be “human rights abusers.” Kind of blows a hole in the “We are going around the world supporting democracy and fighting terrorism wherever we find it” theory from the boys in DC doesn’t it?

Trickle Down Economy Outside Waco, Texas — How does it feel?

This week, George W. Bush spent what are expected to be his final days at his ranch in Crawford, Texas as president. Bush is on his 77th trip to the ranch, and according to one CBS reporter, he has spent nearly 500 days in Crawford during his presidency. Bush’s presence there over the last eight years had boosted the small Texas town’s tourism industry. But as one of the most unpopular presidents in modern history leaves office, the local souvenir shops “are starting to deeply discount” their Bush-related products:

Already a couple of souvenir shops in Crawford have closed as the Bush boom started to peter out over the past year and as the nation turned its attention on the new race for the White House. For the two remaining shops, things have slowed to a trickle.

There’s up to 30 per cent off prices at the Yellow Rose, a cavernous place on the corner of the main intersection in town. Mugs, T-shirts and beer coolers badged with a presidential seal and the words “western White House” are flanked by life-sized cardboard cutouts of the President.  Bush and his wife Laura will be moving to Dallas after he leaves office. There goes the neighborhood!

Cyber Sex

Men looking for romance now must contend with a new rival.  The Internet and Technology.  A new survey just out this week, reports that 46% of women say they would rather go without sex for two weeks than go that long without Internet Access.  Only 30% of the men would make the same trade-off.  Gives a totally new meaning to the word “Hard Drive” doesn’t it?  (Yeah, I know, pretty bad)

Buy Yo personal Obama’s, they is going fast!

Did any of you find a Mr. Obama under the tree Christmas Day?  Sales of Obama items are off the charts in the Washington DC area including T-shirts, action figures, dolls, coffee mugs, and a jack-in-the-box that springs out with a big Obama Smile.  And you people rag me about how classless “Baracks House” parody is.  Now I guess it would be safe to assume that you are emailing all of these tasteless toy and memorabilia item producers and giving them a hard time, right?

Passive Aggressive

A Florida family said their toddler’s talking Elmo doll had an abrupt personality change and started threatening to kill him.  The mother said that the cuddly Sesame Street Character used to sing songs and talked about colors, to the delight of her two year old child James.

After its batteries died and were replaced, however, the doll would only say “Kill James” in a sinister cadence.  Which is definitely something that you would never think would come out of a toy said the mother.  It must be the Market Share Elmo — The Wall Street Version.

And Finally … Check Please — Bank bailout is faltering.

The billions of federal dollars funneled to the nations’ banks aren’t trickling down to the business and consumers as promised.  There is little evidence of what effect these billions of dollars are having on us.  This week I did have a new wrinkle in my banking experience, because of a rash in bank robberies, they apparently want male patrons to not cover their heads while inside the bank.

Tuesday, I walked into the main lobby of my bank wearing a ball cap and a security guard told me to remove it (key word here is “told me to” he did not politely ask me to) and I said, “What for?”  Then he tells me why (their opinion of who, what, where and why) and I refused.

Then he insisted and I of course, resisted, and offered him the option of “arresting me or going away” so much for Barney, The Bank Guard and my day at Overdraft Central. (It was almost as intense as being ejected from the Public Library last April over the issue of cellphone use in a public place.  Might be a story in there somewhere, I dunno?)

Banking people are not a long ways up the food chain in my world any more.

I should have stayed home, picked up my cellphone that has a ring-tone that sounds like a frog on crack, and called the “customer representative of my bank” who is named Abraham Lincoln, who lives in Bombay, India to find out about the new checks.

Back in the olden times, I used to do this at my local branch, but it was transferred to the other end of the state and then I understand that it merged with a sock manufacturer in Peru, after receiving the free bailout money from the Bush Administration.  It is not easy banking in Ameri-kuh anymore George, thanks.

As Dr. Phil is fond of saying …. What was I thinking?


“The cartoon courtesy of Center for American Progress” (online), Bush material gleaned from Think

January Joiner

Our Congressional "Leadership."

Our Congressional "Leadership."

Don’t you just love the new commercial where all the people are clicking their heels together and trying to do as Dorothy did, transport themselves somewhere else.  Cracks me up.  Here is another thing that cracks me up.  I am reading where the government program that you apply to for a “television converter” is now going to run out of money because it was not “funded right” and it could be that everyone is going to get a coupon instead of the converter.

What a deal!  An I.O.U. from the government instead of what you need.  Who would have ever thought our government would run out of money?  I have a novel idea, when April rolls around I will send you an “I.O.U.” on my tax burden, how’s that?

Happy New Year, no money and now it appears no television.  What a deal.  It truly appears that the inmates are running the asylum now boys & girls.

Here we go!  I have to type fast because Norton Anti-Virus is going to come on soon, and it will dog this sucker down so bad, I won’t be able to type.  I just hate it when that happens.  I set it up to do this in the “middle of the night” when I am asleep, oh well?  If this is the worse thing that happens to me this day, I will be all right, things often do not go my way.

Just like I hate it when I discover the dog swallowed my bus pass, I could not find my shoes under the bed, a buffalo escaped from the game reserve down the street, and kept charging me every time I tried to leave the house for a trip to StarBucks for a cup of $4 coffee!

Life is a real booger sometimes, isn’t it?

Well, here it is the 3rd of the month, only a few short weeks and the big party in the nation’s capitol.  I can hardly wait, no really, I can’t.  Another factitious celebration of goodwill hosted on the backs of all those wage earners who are fortunate to still have a job.

It seems in the 21st Century America now has a new mission, and that is the manufacturing of nothing but “debt” we no longer make anything in this country, and what we do sell, was made elsewhere.  But I don’t want to rightfully assume the position of “National Complainer” nor do I want to throw cold water on the big doing’s — so I will now be quiet.

We are still trying to hit one million visitors by March 12th, please spread our address around and give us a boost.

Some of the items on the agenda next week will be:  Oprah and Charice, a fascinating kid out of the Republic of the Philippines, my old truck, my trusty Pig Iron Pony out of Detroit threw a shoe, and I am dealing with the Chevy Dealer again, Dysfunctional Families in America, What you do on the Internet matters, TV Sex, why is it the woman is always on top?  Radio Girls first hand report from Mexico from the surf bar named “Senor Frogs.”  Important issues to be discussed and then there is always “the government” when it gets slow.

Don’t miss any of it.

(I am sure not gonna miss any of ’em)