Here we go, another slow day here at the home, just sitting around waiting on Jeopardy to come on, od’ing on Vitamin E and they won’t let us go outside because the weather is bad. Might as well write something, share a thought or two or as my wife would say …….. “What are you mumbling about?”
Today I discovered that Oklahoma City has installed some new technology at the intersections here and there around town. If you sit there for a moment or two, after the light turns green, something activates the horn on the car directly behind you.
Pretty neat, what will they think of next.
As I said, not having a lot on my plate this day, I ventured into the “Estrogen Enriched Area” of Margaret & Helen’s today, they were talking about breast feeding in public. I made a comment, and was again promptly shut down, I was this time summarily rebuked and chastened poste haste. No sense of humor over there. Just wait until we get something going on this page about overhauling the transmission of a ’56 Chevy, and they come over here, you watch and see what I tell them!
Suddenly I am made painfully aware of how a mailman must feel, when walking down the street, minding his own business, a dog charges out of the house and tries to bite him. Alas, I am the mailman of Margaret & Helen’s blogsite and didn’t even know it. Accused of “shamelessly” trying to promote my lesser blogsite. Yawn? Every time I go there, someone bites my — and the Poor Monkey Never Learns.
The Barack Obama “love-hate fest” continues and Sixty Minutes the 40 year old news program had over 25.1 million viewers last week as everyone tuned in to see the new president elect and first lady to be. I have to admit, it was kind of strange. Witnessing the president-elect’s unorthodox verbal tick, which had Mr. Obama employing grammatically correct sentences virtually every time he opened his mouth.
But Mr. Obama’s decision to use complete sentences in his public pronouncements carries with it certain risks, since after the last eight years of old you-know-who, many Americans may find his odd speaking style jarring.
And a great many Americans tuned in to see. A new record that hasn’t seen that many viewers since 1999. It has so far been the top telecast prime time slot on television this year. Bush is now so unpopular that they won’t even bother to shake his hand.
Like Frank Burns’ said on Mash …. It’s lonely at the top.
The undercurrents of the last election are still flowing deeply across the country. Lot of angry sore losers wanting to move out of the country now and talk about where they want to go to get away from all of this can be found at a lot of Internet sites.
Personally if you feel that way, it is like Dubya (Bush) is fond of saying …. “Don’t Y’all let the door hit ya, where the good lawd split ya.” (Texan for See you later) As Gregory Peck said, “It’s a Big Country” you could move to just about anywhere if you wanted to I suppose.
You can Live in California where…
- You make over $250,000 and you still can’t afford to buy a house.
- The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
- You know how to eat an artichoke.
- You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
- When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
- The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought … In leap years … Earthquake.
You can Live in New York City where…
1. You say ‘the city’ and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can’t find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is ‘nature’
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual
5. You’ve worn out a car horn.
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.
You can Live in Minnesota or Maine where..
- You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco
- Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
- You have more than one recipe for moose.
- Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
- The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and road construction.
You can Live in the Deep South where…
- You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
- ‘y’all’ is singular and ‘all y’all’ is plural.
- Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, MARY BETH, etc.
- You believe that wrestling is real
- Your idea of gun control is to hold the weapon with both hands.
- And at the drive thru, you always say “super size the fries” for the little woman.
You can live in Colorado where…
- You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
- You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center.
- A pass does not involve a football or dating.
- The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.
- A slow moving Bronco is John Elway
You can live in the Midwest where…
- You’ve never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
- Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor or a combine.
- You have had to switch from ‘heat’ to ‘A/C’ on the same day.
- You end sentences with a preposition: ‘Where’s my coat at?’
- When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, ‘It was different!’
- Where the biggest city you ever went to was WalMart.
You can live in Florida where…
- You eat dinner at 4:15 in the afternoon.
- All purchases include a coupon of some kind — even houses and cars.
- Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
- Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
- Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.
Or, you can live in Phoenix, Arizona where…..
- You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
- You’ve experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
- You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
- You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
- You know that ‘dry heat’ is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
- The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!
Personally we can’t afford to go just yet, we are still waiting on our “second economic stimulus check from the government” once we get that, we are outta here.
Wonder if Margaret & Helen would rent me a room?
Thanks to Trish in Louisiana.
“The cartoon courtesy of Center for American Progress” (online)
Did you know, that gesturing with your hands as you speak, actually improves your memory?
It is hard on lampshades and other pieces of furniture in the home however.
My sister, does this, one time jokingly we said to her, “sit on your hands and then talk” and she could not do it, she started stuttering.
Let’s see what is on the agenda for today? Make history, fix economy, get puppy, end wars, measure drapes, close Guantanamo, Unify America, get milk, hire Rahm, appear bi-partisan, find a new school for the kids. Man, I am glad that I am not the president elect, writing this two-bit rag now appears to be a piece of cake.
Gimme My Change
A North Carolina woman has been awarded $3.1 million after Target employees refused to accept her $100 bill. The cashiers not only decline the bill, they emailed her photo to police and local businesses as a suspect counterfeiter. Her attorney says the store got off light. “Where can we go to buy back your good name?” Evidently you cannot purchase or buy it at Target that is for sure.
(Now switch over to your best Andy Rooney mood when you read this next part)
You ever notice, how a few months back, every time you handed someone a twenty, they pulled out their little magic marker and swiped it? Now days, they just take the money … so hungry for the cash now, they don’t care if it’s real or not.
Did you notice that all the bankers that came running and begging for government money didn’t have a problem raising fee’s and interest rates afterwards? And that all the Stock Market crowd are giving out end of the year bonuses for doing a sorry job …
While we are at it, did you ever notice how the money changers at ChinaMart scoop your money up, the first time, and then dispense your change? But if you go to the Post Office and use their machines, they make you “force feed the sucker a dollar bill ten times” before it will do the deal …. What’s up with that? (now wasn’t that fun?)
The Egyptian Love Boat
Ever wonder about life in an Islamic country, here is your chance, something as simple as flirting with girls, can get you in a lot of hot water. Check it out here.
Civic duty to extremes
An American couple have flown from India to New York City just to vote in the Presidential election. The couple’s absentee ballots failed to arrive, so they jumped on a plane for the 9,300 mile flight. In Florida 350 residents of a Florida nudist colony petitioned the state to open a clothing optional voting site. No word on how many “hanging chads.” (groan) Kenya declared a national holiday to celebrate Barack Obama’s election win. People poured into the streets, and danced, and carried Obama’s half-brother Kalik on their shoulders.
For sale … Dirt Cheap
The Iraqi government which received no nibbles on its offer to sell Saddam Hussiens 269 ft yacht. The luxury craft, valued at some thirty million dollars is outfitted with swimming pools, gold-tap bathrooms, a secret escape passageway, and several barely used rocket launchers. In other related Iraqi news, they have graciously agreed to “allow us to leave” in three years. What a deal. Still no word on Osamma Been Forgotten but here is a well written piece on it. Crackerboy.
Ottawa Canada ER’s are experiencing difficulty meeting case loads. Emergency rooms in Canada are so crowded that patients are dying while they wait to be treated. Treatment is free in Canada national health-care system, and in many hospitals, packed ambulances idle outside for hours because there is no place to leave patients. Some are describing the system as a “third world country.”
Tell your story … Here are two dust catchers if I ever saw one.
Joe the Plumber is now going to write a book. Sarah Palin has a rumored book deal, and now we get to hear about their incredible rise to fame and their lives in the public spotlight. Also Joe has been rumored to be considering a “country and western record” deal on top of that. Has hired a Nashville Public Relations firm and the whole nine-yards.
Some possible song titles for the upcoming CD:
- 10. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine.
- 9. I Ain’t Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman But I Woke Up With a Few.
- 8. If The Phone Don’t Ring, You’ll Know It’s Me.
- 7. I’ve Missed You, But My Aim’s Improvin’.
- 6. Wouldn’t Take Her To A Dogfight ‘Cause She Might Win.
- 5. I’m So Miserable Without You It’s Like You’re Still Here.
- 4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Miss Him.
- 3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger.
- 2. She’s Lookin’ Better with Every Beer.
- And the Number One Country & Western song might be …
- 1. It’s Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed on You’re a** All Day
Me? I am holding out for the movie. And yes, we are still working on the Creative Endeavors Sunny Acres Sunshine band and will have more news on that in a few days.
Watch for it.
I will now return faithfully to the sanctimony of our bat-cave, where I hang upside down during the daylight hours (it’s really a walk-in-closet, but bat cave sounds so incredibly cool … don’tya think?). This is the treatment Cup Cake has suggested for me to delay aging, it allows in the short term, to get blood to flow to my upper body, which will give me that vibrant flushed youthful appearance.
Makeup just isn’t working.
This Is The Email Of The Week It Came Out of the Seattle, Washington Area
I envy Kevin. My brother, Kevin, thinks God lives under his bed. At least that’s what I heard him say one night. He was praying out loud in his dark bedroom, and I stopped to listen, ‘Are you there, God?’ he said. ‘Where are you? Oh, I see. Under the bed…’
I giggled softly and tiptoed off to my own room. Kevin’s unique perspectives are often a source of amusement. But that night something else lingered long after the humor. I realized for the first time the very different world Kevin lives in. He was born 30 years ago, mentally disabled as a result of difficulties during labor. Apart from his size (he’s 6-foot-2), there are few ways in which he is an adult.
He reasons and communicates with the capabilities of a 7-year-old, and he always will. He will probably always believe that God lives under his bed, that Santa Claus is the one who fills the space under our tree every Christmas and that airplanes stay up in the sky because angels carry them.
I remember wondering if Kevin realizes he is different. Is he ever dissatisfied with his monotonous life? Up before dawn each day, off to work at a workshop for the disabled, home to walk our cocker spaniel, return to eat his favorite macaroni-and-cheese for dinner, and later to bed.
The only variation in the entire scheme is laundry, when he hovers excitedly over the washing machine like a mother with her newborn child. He does not seem dissatisfied. He lopes out to the bus every morning at 7:05, eager for a day of simple work.
He wrings his hands excitedly while the water boils on the stove before dinner, and he stays up late twice a week to gather our dirty laundry for his next day’s laundry chores.
And Saturdays – oh, the bliss of Saturdays! That’s the day my Dad takes Kevin to the airport to have a soft drink, watch the planes land, and speculate loudly on the destination of each passenger inside. ‘That one’s goin’ to Chi-car-go! ‘ Kevin shouts as he claps his hands.
His anticipation is so great he can hardly sleep on Friday nights. And so goes his world of daily rituals and weekend field trips. He doesn’t know what it means to be discontent. His life is simple.
He will never know the entanglements of wealth of power, and he does not care what brand of clothing he wears or what kind of food he eats. His needs have always been met, and he never worries that one day they may not be.
His hands are diligent. Kevin is never so happy as when he is working. When he unloads the dishwasher or vacuums the carpet, his heart is completely in it.
He does not shrink from a job when it is begun, and he does not leave a job until it is finished. But when his tasks are done, Kevin knows how to relax. He is not obsessed with his work or the work of others. His heart is pure.
He still believes everyone tells the truth, promises must be kept, and when you are wrong, you apologize instead of argue. Free from pride and unconcerned with appearances, Kevin is not afraid to cry when he is hurt, angry or sorry. He is always transparent, always sincere. And he trusts God.
Not confined by intellectual reasoning, when he comes to Christ, he comes as a child. Kevin seems to know God – to really be friends with Him in a way that is difficult for an ‘educated’ person to grasp. God seems like his closest companion.
In my moments of doubt and frustrations with my Christianity, I envy the security Kevin has in his simple faith. It is then that I am most willing to admit that he has some divine knowledge that rises above my mortal questions.
It is then I realize that perhaps he is not the one with the handicap. I am. My obligations, my fear, my pride, my circumstances – they all become disabilities when I do not trust them to God’s care. Who knows if Kevin comprehends things I can never learn? After all, he has spent his whole life in that kind of innocence, praying after dark and soaking up the goodness and love of God.
And one day, when the mysteries of heaven are opened, and we are all amazed at how close God really is to our hearts, I’ll realize that God heard the simple prayers of a boy who believed that God lived under his bed.
Kevin won’t be surprised at all!
FRIENDS ARE ANGELS WHO LIFT US TO OUR FEET WHEN OUR WINGS HAVE TROUBLE REMEMBERING HOW TO FLY