Garbled Viewpoint

Scratch N Sniff Bandits Strike Again

DALLAS Texas – A man has proven that you can never have too much underwear when he stole more than 130 pairs of panties from a Victoria’s Secret store.  The Dallas Morning News reported online Tuesday that a man snatched $1,067 worth of underwear from a table at the Dallas store Monday. A police report says a female accomplice held open the door during the theft and both sped away in a green car.  The report did not indicate what styles or sizes were stolen.

Don’t Forget Your Coupons

Coeur d’Alene Idaho – Law enforcement agents are offering $25 grocery gift cards to people who turn in burglary suspects before Thanksgiving. The Kootenai County branch of Crime Stoppers of the Inland Northwest is looking for five suspects in recent burglaries and is offering the grocery cards to sweeten regular cash rewards of up to $1,000.  CATCH A TURKEY – WIN A TURKEY …. What a concept.

Locked Down and Lonesome

Paducah, Kentucky – A state prisoner serving a four-year sentence for theft returned to the McCracken County Regional Jail a few hours after he escaped from a cleanup detail. Authorities said Chad Toy, 21, told them he was influenced by family members who feared for his safety. He returned still wearing his orange jump suit.

What a classy move

The auto exec’s all flew into Washington this week in “private jets” to beg for money and a possible bail out.  Now that is an austerity program for the rich if I ever saw one.  Meanwhile, our beloved Chief Executive has done rather well in this lucrative money-pit of tax payer dollars.  It is estimated that Bush will leave the White House with an estimated net worth of some $21 million, not a bad payday, for a sorry job and a proven underachiever. This is the problem with America, we know the price of everything but not the value of nothing.

Thank You For Sharing That

Brad Pitt on fatherhood in an interview on today’s Oprah Winfrey Show says “I am impervious to poo, snot, urine, and vomit.”  Man that sure helped me get my breakfast burrito down, thanks a lot.  Gee whiz Poppa-Pitt show a little class.  Rosie O’Donnell is coming to NBC for another round of “please tune in and allow me to share my rancid life history with you” check your local listings.  Wonder if Barbara Walters is gonna watch?  Another one of Hugh Heffner’s girlfriends is leaving him to marry a younger guy … I think he is sixty.

He-Said – She-Said

Silverton Oregon has the nation’s first transgender mayor.  His/Her highness wears women’s clothes and has breast implants.  By not hiding his cross-dressing from the public he said “I have blackmail-proofed myself.”  Wonder which bathroom he uses at City Hall … Just thinking outside the box y’all.

Myopia in Texas (Where else?)

The Terrell, Texas, Tribune did not even mention in its Nov. 5th edition that Barack Obama had won the presidential election because it was not local news.  “We covered the local commissioner’s race” said the editor, “We thought that was more important.”  Texas is the only state in the nation that executes the mentally insane and also elects them to the highest office in the land.

Look out below

Now this is something everyone in New Jersey can take pride in.  Councilman Steven Lipsid, who was arrested at a Grateful Dead Concert for urinating off the balcony onto the crowd below.  The 44-year old politician said that he had “resolved not to touch alcohol again.”  See what happens when you get a good deal on cheap seats at a concert?

More Nakid News

Tell me that I don’t know my reader base?  Twelve participants in the Boulder, Colorado annual Naked Pumpkin Run may be forced to register as sex offenders.  As 150 revelers ran naked through the streets of Boulder wearing pumpkins on their heads (I am not making this up – I swear!) the police arrested 12 on charges of indecent exposure.  “I was thinking a minor fine or community service, not thinking of sex offender.” Said one arrested 23 year old.  I believe the key word in that statement would be “not thinking.”  If convicted, I think they ought to have to write and answer the Comments Section at Creative Endeavors for at least ninety-days, that would be good community service.

Back To Law & Order

Former Sen. Fred Thompson is going back to starring on TV after his foray into Republican presidential politics over the last year.  Thompson, best known on TV for his role as a gruff district attorney on NBC’s Law & Order, dropped out of the crowded Republican primaries in January after his much-anticipated presidential campaign failed to gain strong support among conservatives.

Val Kilmer (I think he was that Bat Man guy) is officially weighing a run for Governor of New Mexico approaching it as a worthy, serious matter (that is a delightful change of pace).  The 48 year old actor said he would be “very comfortable” in the position.  Here lately that position is mostly called “bending over’ if you are in politics.

No word on Vanilla Ice, Mr. T or anyone else, but I understand Hasselhoff is staying on America Has Talent. It is also rumored that George Wubya Bush is now considering “acting lessons when they settle down in Dallas” later on this year.

One thing is for sure … They should not have a problem locating a new house or an old one for that matter.

Have A Great Weekend.

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Only In America

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My wife is Chinese, she was born in Taipei, Taiwan and moved to the United States in 1973.  When she came to this country she did NOT speak one word of English.  She spoke what I called “Pigeon English” a word here and there, this and that, but nothing that was fluent.  She learned English the hard way, sitting in the living room and watching Sesame Street with our boys, Big Bird and the Letters.

Over the years she has become quite fluent in the language, she taught herself to read, learned “Hooked on Phonics” and has computer programs to hone and increase her word skills.  She speaks a total of five different dialectics.

In other words, “she knows Karate and a whole bunch of other Chinese words! I am immensely proud of her … Like the commercials are fond of saying …. “Baby, you’ve come a long ways.”  By the way, she says “English is easy … You just make it up as you go along!

So don’t give me this guff about Mexicans not being able to pick it up, or some Cuban that has lived in Miami for 25 years and needs an interrupter on the news in order to be understood.  It is all crap, if you want to live in this country, and you want to blend in, you learn English.

It is not our problem because you are too lazy to try and we should not have to print it up for you so you can get by.  Now I realize this isn’t making me any friends, but hear me out.

Cup Cake is also a U.S. Naturalized Citizen and she votes.  She went through the entire process, history, politics’, took the test, swore the oath and was indoctrinated into the American way of life, and the day we went down and watched her swear in, was one of the best days of my life.

Many a night we spent at the kitchen table with the books, learning what it is to be an American.  The Constitution The Legislative Branch, Congress, the fifty-states … All of it, one day at a time.

On one family vacation years ago, we found ourselves in San Francisco, California.  Before the oil whores shut us down we were able to take the boys and leave Oklahoma during the summer and show them the finer things in America.  One summer we were in San Francisco, and we spent the afternoon in Golden Gate Park.  They have a fantastic zoo there, aquarium, Japanese Tea Garden; you can get lost there, spend the entire day and never see it all.

As it is with most families around lunch time we started to get hungry.

I spied a Hot Dog stand and suggested that we all get a dog and some cokes.  We trotted over there, and when we got up to the stand I noticed a “oriental looking” guy behind the counter who appeared to be in charge.  Cup Cake looked up at him and in English said, “We would like four hot dogs and three cokes, one Dr. Pepper.”

Then something I consider very strange happened.

The operator of the hot dog stand (what we refer privately refer to as “cousins”) said to her in Chinese … ##@#!~%%*# (I don’t speak Chinese sorry) … and repeated the order back to her in that language.  So Cup Cake said back to him, in English, “Yes, three dogs, three cokes, and one Dr. Pepper.”

Again the cousin says to her ##@#!~%%*#- ##@#!- and she says, “Yeah right, everything on them.”  He then says, ##@#!~%%*# she again, answers in English.  The order is then filled; we retire to a couple of benches to enjoy our lunch.  While we are sitting there I look at her and say, “Baby, can I ask you something?

So she says to me, “Yeah?

I noticed when you were ordering all that, and the cousin answered you in Chinese, you always answered him back in English.  Why did you do that?

She smiled that smile that I have grown very accustomed to and said, “This is America, WE speak English, he can speak English too.

Home grown and proud, that’s my girl.  Believe it or not … You have a choice in the matter.  It is still fashionable to be an American in this country.  Just ask my wife, she’ll gladly tell you.

Only In America

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What Scares You?

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Interesting question, “What scares you?”  One of those little innocent questions they call “conversation starters.”  Kind of like, “Have you seen the new bear cubs at the zoo?” (which by the way, I do not believe there are any, but it always kind of seems to break the ice).

So one night, up at the farm, under a blanket of stars, we were standing there and I asked the Old Man, “What scares you?” and as is his nature, he thought for a moment, and then replied, “Uh, I dunno, what scares you?”  Never ever does he take the first stab, he likes to test the waters first.

Thinking about it a little I said, “Walking a freight train in the middle of the night, about four in the morning, and the wind howling thru the telegraph wires, like some kind of evil banshee …. That scares me.  Makes the hair stand up on the back of my neck.”

Now how about you, what scares you?

This time he considered it for a little bit and then he looked up, pointed to the Milky Way and the night sky and replied …. “That.”  Nothing more, just “that.”  So I inquired again, “What is it about that, in particular, that bothers you?”

He said, “I don’t know where it begins and I don’t know where it ends.  That really scares me.”

So that is the question for the day.

What scares you … Anyone want to take a shot at that.

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