Cowboys and Republicans

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, ‘If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?’

Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, ‘Sure, Why not?’

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, ‘You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.’

‘That’s right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,’ says Bud.  He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the Bud says to the young man, ‘Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?’

The young man thinks about it for a secondand then says, ‘Okay, why not?’

‘You’re a Congressman for the U.S. Government’, says Bud.

‘Wow! That’s correct,’ says the yuppie, ‘but how did you guess that?’

‘No guessing required.’ answered the cowboy. ‘You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don’t know a thing about cows…this is a herd of sheep.

Now give me back my dog.

It’s Not Easy Being Rich

The trouble with life is there just isn’t any background music.  Monday’s are always especially difficult, come in, sit down with a cup of Joe and then face an empty screen.  I am so envious of all those talented people who sit down and make this look like child’s play, make it appear simple.

So what do we talk about?

The up’s and down’s of oil, no one cares right now.  Politics’, I am sick of politics and my unguarded opinion is the political Gene-pool in this country, could stand a dose of Chlorine.

Last I heard they were holding a symposium on the Heartlands’ problems in some place like Chugwater, Wyoming.  Cheney was spitting euphemisms out of the side of his mouth about, I like this guy and that guy, and you should too (If you know what is good for you).

Another group meeting at which there are several speeches, often a group discussion, a collection of opinions on a subject, a short discussion.  Nothing is really resolved, and when the finger food disappears, they sneak outside for a quick smoke, fire up the bus and drive off.

I will bet you even money that the candidates are now glad to be looking at the end of all this.  Think about it … In just a few short hours, it will be over with and they can go back to “telling us the truth.”

So for a refreshing change of pace, no doom and gloom, none of this the earth is rotting like a bad cantaloupe left outside in the mid-day sun, covered in flies. Today we will talk about something different.  Let us take on the plight of those poor, often overlooked unfortunates in America these days that are experiencing hard times.

Let us talk about the rich.

You know who I am talking about here, the poor $435 lunch ticket, share the wealth bunch.  They (the rich) are not doing all that well here lately.  Did you know because of the current financial meltdown, the rich are being forced to cut back just like the rest of us?  It has gotten so dire; that I hear they have temporarily gone back to regular mustard instead of that Gray Poupon stuff.

Yes, it is true.

Affluent brides to be, in Manhattan are swapping out the $1,000 centerpiece of peonies from New Zealand for $300 Netherlands hydrangeas.  The Gordon Gekko’s types of Wall Street are now forced to purchase one $4,000 suit instead of five; things have suddenly gotten austere in the Big Apple.  Women of a certain age, who used to have the option of a complete face lift have now had to resort to Botox Injections instead, which are much, much cheaper.  Cosmetic surgery in this country is now estimated to be down as much as 50%.

America the land of opportunity, I have a degree in Liberal Arts, do you want fries with that?  We have discovered to our dismay that our “Great Spenders are also very Bad Lenders.”  Seemingly over night our philosophy has changed.  Yesterday is a cancelled check.  Today is cash on the line.  Tomorrow is a promissory note which may or may not get paidl.

Pity the poor, poor rich.

The rich have to make choices now, should I continue the lease on the Christmas Villa in the south, or just find a suitable hotel?  Will I be able to afford the subscription to Elite Traveler Magazine for the table on the Lear Jet or the Yacht this year.  Can we still afford a crew of eighteen to have at our beck and call?

They have to make untold sacrifices just like the rest of us, why they cannot even afford the full band anymore, they are resorting to DJ’s (Sorry Radio Girl) at the weddings and bar mistfah’s (sp).  Miniature cupcakes on Lucite tiers instead of the massive wedding cake.

A greatly pared down guest list, dollar pinching is everywhere!  As hard as this is to believe, “some of us might not get invited to attend at all” it has gotten that bad.

Arab and European clients are still buying $25 million yachts, but the share of sales to Americans has dropped from 80% to 50%.  Relegated to searching the boat yards for a good used 60’/80′ skiff is simply not American. The power shoppers are in the Arab Emirates, the Abdul Dubai Malls in the golden sand of the Persian Gulf.  Neiman Marcus is a bargain store in this new age of less money.  No more whole wardrobes, it is a $500 dress and make it last for the corporate executive’s wife in Houston.

Things have gotten so bad, they are more than likely switching over to the cheap Chardonnay, and I imagine we will at some time see these folks somewhere down the line, but for right now things on the other side of the coin will remain the same for us.  All of us good, honorable soldiers in the legions of the less entitled.

We will still be drinking the yucky-green-stuff, sneezy, why-in-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning NyQuil for a cheap buzz purchased at the Dollar General Store on sale.  Doing our level best to get a handle on life, with one broken handle, driving a beat up run-down fourteen year old Hoopie with a half-tank of fuel.

Now altogether …. Let’s hear it one time for the Rich In America …. Ready?

(One big collective sigh)

Now I know I feel better, I can face but one more Monday.  Which is considerably less painful than licking my fingers and searching out an electrical outlet.  I can now focus my energies on the important questions of life.  Such as:  “Is our planet the insane asylum for the Universe?”  That would be a good start for a Monday right there.

000

Who said …


‘The most terrifying words in the English language are:

I’m from the government and I’m here to help.’


‘The trouble with our liberal friends is not that they’re ignorant;

it’s just that they know so much that isn’t so.’

‘Of the four wars in my lifetime, none came about because the U.S. was too strong.’

‘Here’s my strategy on the Cold War: We win, they lose.’

‘I have wondered at times about what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the U.S. Congress.’

‘The taxpayer: That’s someone who works for the federal government but doesn’t have to take the civil service examination.’

‘Government is like a baby: An alimentary canal with a big appetite at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other.’

‘The nearest thing to eternal life we will ever see on this earth is a government program.’


‘It has been said that politics is the second oldest profession.  I have learned that it bears a striking resemblance to the first.’

‘Government’s view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it.

And if it stops moving, subsidize it.’

‘Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed, there are many rewards; if you disgrace yourself, you can always write a book.’

‘No arsenal, or no weapon in the arsenals of the world, is as formidable as the will and moral courage of free men and women.’

‘If we ever forget that we’re one nation under God, then we will be a nation gone under.’

Who is quoted as saying this?

(answer)