Sign Of The Times

Yesterday I was entering a convenience store and on the door they had posted a sign that read “Remove all masks before entering store.” I had never personally seen this type of sign before, I assume it was posted there in anticipation of weekend crowds that are on the way to Halloween Parties and as an added protection against crime.

So I walked in, picked up my copy of the Sunday paper (for the television guide) and approached the counter and the lady said, “You were supposed to have removed your mask before entering the store.” And I replied, “Yeah, very funny. You ought to be on Jay Leno. Give me my change.”

I was NOT wearing any kind of mask at the time.

Maybe she was having a bad hair day, broken up because of stress, perhaps just wanted to be plain ugly for something to do. Such has been my week. But that is another post altogether.

Some call it Halloween some call it “Devil Worship.” This time of the year isn’t my time of the year, every movie on television is filled with blood & gore, too much violence and ugliness in the world anyway, I surely do not feel like dressing up and celebrating all the evil in the world.

If I wanted to do that, I would run for public office.

Never really stopping to think about it, but I do not believe we have a “National Halloween Song” in this country either, someone ought to work on that. Barry Manilow comes readily to mind, but that is just a suggestion on my part, I am sure anyone could do it. We need something catchy, like those Christmas songs, that get in your head, and stay with you for like five weeks AFTER Christmas.

Wreck the halls and fences jolly, isn’t a Halloween a folly? Ring the doorbells, slash the tires, you don’t get any candy, beat them with a wire! Falla-lalla, lah, lah-lah laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

So what do you plan on being this Devils’ Day? What is your costume or character of choice this year. A rock Star, you could dress in any fashion that you wish, enlist all your friends to be your entourage and make them serve you, that has a certain appeal, don’t you think? When you get too tight from imbibing, you could let one flop out to tease everyone and call it wardrobe malfunction. Amuse your guests shock your husband.  Perfectly acceptable in this day and age.

A time period costume would work, all you have to do is rummage thru your closet and find something from the 70’s,80’s or pre Ronald Reagan, that should do it. How about cross dresser, nice, but kind of dangerous in Oklahoma, some people here do not encourage or respect your new found perspective. I understand that in California the Governator calls them “Girly Boys.”

I always found the girls who came to the party as a “Hooker” were my cup of tea. Dolled up with a mini skirt, slinky top, fishnet stockings, pumps, tacky makeup, and you are ready for trick or treat. If you are lucky at the end of the night it is “treat.” (Insert old tired joke here for effect.)

Yeah I know kind of pathetic, what can I say. Might try something out of the news, Washington DC surely has been inspiring here lately. You could be a “Northern-Exposure-Moose-Gooser” or a … oh well, never mind.

Most likely you are like me (heaven forbid) you think you are too cool to dress up and play the fool. You’re not. So what are you trying to hide? Get out, and be somebody! You don’t have to go thru life as a boring, weak-kneed cretin with a lousy disposition; this is the one weekend of the month to shine.

Remember this is the time of the year … This is your time for you to rise from the spirit of the dead. Get off your lazy potato chip eating butt and get out there and find your inner ghoul!

If by chance, you cannot afford to rent a suitable costume because of the present economic crisis that is no problem. Just do as I do, go as your own evil twin …

Most likely no one will notice anyway.

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“The cartoon courtesy of Center for American Progress” (online)