September Wrap

Take it to the Car Wash.

Seattle Washington is considering the banning of washing cars on the driveway. They say that all the pollution and run off (chemicals, brake dust) is harmful to the Puget Sound environment. I find this kind of hard to believe (must be my day to be a skeptic huh?). Our last visit to Seattle we went to the aquarium there, Seattle has a world class aquarium and we spent the day down on the bay.

One of the exhibits there was a sewer intake/outtake exhibit for the Puget Sound Region.

They had these huge concrete pipes in the museum about ten feet in diameter and a map of all their locations in the Puget Sound where they were, discharging effluent (treated sewage water) into the bay. You press a button and it displays on a board mockup of Puget Sound the locations of these outlet pipes. Some “44 of them.” So I would say the Salmon and other residents of the bay have more to worry about than car washes.

Here is some more sewage news, when the poo-poo hits the whirly-dirly (When “it” hits the fan Y’all) in Alabama they don’t have the change to pay for it.

Birmingham, Alabama, Jefferson County Commission President Bettye Fine Collins said the county will probably default on part of its $3.2 billion sewer debt but not file for bankruptcy. A so-called standstill agreement with sewer system creditors expires Tuesday. Once that happens, creditors can demand payments the county says it can’t afford. I mean how embarrassing is that? You owe $3.2 billion on your sewer bill.

My favorite door stop that can talk is on TV this morning.

Bush is coming on television sometime this morning, and I suppose he is going to play the “scare card” again. You ever notice how he does that? If we don’t take Osamma Been Forgotten, the Free World will be at risk. If we don’t go into Iraq and get Saddam, we will be at risk from all his nuclear weapons that did not exist. And now it is banking and Wall Street.

Perhaps Bush is using his version of new math?  Once again he will dig deep into his grab bag of political tricks and use the scare card.  Check your local listings or better yet, just check out, as we pointed out before, these people have a massive credibility issue.

Others do not agree with bailing out Wall Street and say it isn’t so.

Much of the country’s political and economic leadership has been running around raising the prospect of the Great Depression and a breakdown in the banking system (I actually had taken the latter seriously). These stories are absolutely not true. There is no plausible scenario under which the no bailout scenario gives us a Great Depression. There is a more plausible scenario (but highly unlikely) that the bailout will give us a Great Depression. There is no way that the failure to do a bailout will lead to more than a very brief failure of the financial system. We will not lose our modern system of payments. At this point I cannot identify a single good reason to do the bailout. Click here.

What is wrong with this picture?

Boston – The Justice Department said Massachusetts must provide Spanish-language ballots and materials to Puerto Rican voters in Worcester to settle allegations the state violated the Voting Rights Act. Federal officials said the state’s failure to provide the translated materials to Worcester residents in 2001 resulted in Puerto Rican voters not being able to access the polls or cast an informed ballot. State Sen. Dianne Wilkerson decided to seek a recount after her 228-vote loss to challenger Sonia Chang-Diaz in last week’s Democratic primary. Wilkerson, of Boston, is gathering signatures for a recount in five wards.

Juan is having problems down by the border.

Phoenix – The families of some illegal immigrants passing through the state are getting ransom demands from criminals claiming to have kidnapped their loved ones as they were sneaking into the country. What isn’t immediately clear to these families is that they’re targets of “virtual kidnapping.” The extortion scam has escalated to an average of one case being reported each week.

Your friends in the Oil and Gas Industry are in the news

Charleston – Royalty payments are awaiting state residents who had oil or gas leases with Dominion Resources. The energy company will pay $40 million to $50 million to 25,000 owners to resolve a lawsuit that alleged Dominion cheated them out of royalties. The dispute centered on whether gas drillers could deduct production costs before calculating royalty payments.

One honest man in Pennsylvania

HarrisburgPennsylvania‘s highest court said a judge can’t refuse an 11% pay raise. The high court upheld a lower court ruling that said Superior Court Judge Joan Orie Melvin cannot legally reject the salary, which went from $145,658 to $162,100 in September 2006, when the high court reinstated a pay hike that had been repealed.

Another Looney law in a long, long list of curious oddities in America.

  • New, New Jersey, forbids the sale of ice after 6 P.M. without a prescription.
  • South Foster, Rhode Island, any dentist who extracts the wrong tooth mush have a similar tooth pulled by the village Blacksmith.
  • And map that does not prominently display the city of Lima, Ohio, is illegal to sell in Lima, Ohio.
  • In Portland, Maine, it is illegal to tickle a girl under the chine with a feather duster.
  • In Seattle, Washington, it is illegal to carry a concealed weapon that exceeds six feet in length.

And if you think that is ridiculous or bad you ought to live in Oklahoma where it is illegal to: Read a comic book while operating a motor vehicle. Oklahoma will not tolerate anyone taking a bite out of another’s hamburger. Whaling is illegal. It is illegal to have the hind legs of farm animals in your boots.

The really sad part of all this, it is real, and not made up. Who writes this stuff?

People like this.

I am outta here … See you in October.


Winners and Losers

I like that subject, “Winners and Losers” there are so many avenues available to you on something like this with a heading like that. Sit back, sip on your morning coffee, and wade your way thru this, you will be glad you did.

Loser: Anyone with teenagers living in the house, especially in the groceries department. What is the definition of a teenager? God’s punishment for enjoying sex. I often crack up when I observe teenagers, I think about all these women walking around some 40 years from now, all tattooed and what not. Kind of amuses me.

Winner: Anytime you order food at McDonalds and the min-wage-earner behind the counter does not have any open sores or pimples on his face. When you avail yourself of the drive thru window and get home and discover that your order is there, in place, and it is correct. Anyone who can smile before ten in the morning.

Loser: All these people that believe they are born to be something else, and have to find a medical plan, that allows for major overhauls in Trinidad Colorado. I think a transvestites’ life would be a loser. Who wants to be a guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary? Anyone who contracts Genitofemoral neuropathy by wearing jeans that are just too dog-gone tight.

Winner: A smile and a hug from a little kid, or an invite to go outside and go for a walk. Buying a luke warm glass of lemonade from a curb-side stand on a hot day sold by children. Anyone who tickles a kid before bed and tells them a prayer. Sharing a milkshake with a four year old at the local malt shop.

Loser: The poor sap at work that is always being assigned the bottom of the rung assignment from the boss. The Dirty Harry of the Workplace. The Pope expects you to kiss his ring, and you know what the boss expects. My boss was a real loser, and to make matters worse, “he had the same last name that I had.” He was a real piece of work. His mind was like lightning, one brilliant flash, and then the entire thing was gone. He used to call me at home on my day off, and then wonder why it was that I hung up on him? Now that is sharp.

Winner: Opening a mailbox and finding a card or a letter addressed to you and it is not your birthday. Walking into the room, noticing your wife is watching the Food Channel, or the Shopping Channel, but she isn’t sitting close to the remote.

Loser: Football fans. Football watching is time consuming and awful addicting to some people in certain cases. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you are in the bathroom. There can be three minutes left on the clock, you go to the bathroom, stop by the kitchen for a quick trip to raid the refrigerator, microwave something you found there for 2.5 minutes, come back into the room and there is still two minutes left on the clock!

Winner: Sharing a sleeping bag in a remote Canadian forest on a chilly night with a blonde who has a husky laugh in the dark. Ordering a Hamburger and the kid behind the counter doesn’t ask me if I want “cheese” on it. Hot French Fries, and a glass of Diet Coke that actually has some ice in it. A credit card statement that says you have a credit of eighty-eight cents.

Loser: Anyone living in any country that collects taxes, you are a loser. Why is it that business gets a write off on taxes but we on the other hand are only required to pay them? I have at least eleven different taxes on my telephone service for example, but at the end of the year, I am not allowed to claim even one.

Winner: If you can lie in a tub and soak in hot water and the telephone doesn’t ring, you are a winner. Hot water every morning to wash your face and hands, a soft bed and a day off.

Loser: Anytime your wife wakes you up from an afternoon nap, and hands you a trash sack on a cold, cold day, you are a loser. Which certainly must apply to me, I am the kind of guy, who after taking out the trash, walks around and gives the impression that I just cleaned the entire house! My next house, if I should ever decide to move, will not have a kitchen. Just a vending machine and maybe a trash can.

Winner: Finding a parking spot at the mall, close to the door BEFORE your wife points it out to you. Watching television at your girlfriend’s house during a power failure. Getting licked in the face by a puppy and having your grandchild tell you that he/she loves you.

Loser: Anyone who has made a trip to the grocery store in the past 60 days. The American Economy has given me new strength. Fifty years ago you needed a station wagon to hold $10 worth of groceries. 20 years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars worth of groceries out to the car. And today, my five year old grandson can just about handle it all, in one pitiful little sack.

Winner: Moving your just washed car, and heading into the kitchen for a glass of sweet tea, before the neighbors sprinklers suddenly go off.

Loser: If you have to sit at the local tire shop waiting on a rotation with every known smoker in the state of Oklahoma. Anyone who takes his hand and cuffs a kid upside the head to reason with him is a loser. Speeding in a school zone or missing your kid in the class play, calling a child a dummy.

Winner: Walking outside on Friday and seeing the trash man has came, emptied your trash cans, and there isn’t any of it scattered on your front lawn.

Loser: Anyone with “Ossama” anywhere in his legal name. Any time you take your car into a dealership to get it worked on. You cringe when they call out your name and tell you to go to the cashier. There you are told “we have just checked your car and it only had one problem … we fixed it. Your bill is $1,125.00.”

Winner: Then you look at your wife and release a sigh of relief and say … “I was really worried they were going to rip us off. It was only $1,100 and some change. I was relieved when the mechanic told me it was just low on turn-signal fluid, and that was all it needed.”

And then at times, there are things that just naturally remind you of losers.

Like the time I turned on the television and the President of the United States was making a major address to the American People and he said ….. (Warning them of possible terrorist threats) “You know, if you find a person that you’ve never seen before getting in a crop-duster that doesn’t belong to you, report it.”

Now that was pretty smooth I have to admit.

See you later, don’t forget, “never squat down with your spurs on!” and we will see y’all later.


Possibly related: Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, Tom Cruise, Jesse Jackson, Jimmy Swaggart, Ross Perot, Joe Biden, Dick Cheney, Ralph Nader, Al Gore, Chandra Levy, Mariah Carey, or just about anyone that shows up for auditions on American Idol.