Lawn Mowing Sucks

"MAKE AN OFFER"Can you say “Lawn Mowing sucks” on the Internet? I guess you can, it is after all “my blog.”

A couple of days ago, I was just lying there in bed, minding my own business, staring up at the ceiling. I do that a lot in the morning, watch the numbers roll on the clock, listen to the ceiling fan rhythms, early in the morning.

And I was thinking about the possibility of painting my front lawn green, the money, time and energy I could save, by having a totally artificial painted green lawn. Using the best weather-beater Latex that Sear’s has to offer, I would either roll it on or paint it on.

A lawn that I did not have to water or pamper, or spend time with. Something like the relationship we have with our children.

Now it is time to go on record about something. Los Angeles and Seattle, who recently instituted a policy of using goats and sheep to take care of yard work, have the right idea. Let the animals eat the stuff, and save the planet, I am all for it.

Except for that lipstick part, that I find kind of revolting.

Having lived at this location for a good portion of my life, and figuring that I mowed the front and back lawns “one time per week” (a conservative average I would venture) I have mowed, trimmed, bagged, sacked and completed this chore approximately 1,768 times (twice that counting the backyard). So I am laying there and I am thinking about this.

Then SHE rolls over and touches me. Man I hate it when SHE does that. It always starts the cycle, y’know, that “thing that leads to problems” right after the alarm clock goes off.

You see, men and women are often different in the morning. The man wakes up grouchy and aroused in the morning. Believe it or not, we can actually do both at the same time. Rare fact of nature, part of the male species. We just cannot help ourselves.

We just wake up and we want you and if you don’t want us, well, we are just mad about it.

And the women are thinking, “how can he want me the way I look in the morning?” It’s because we cannot see you. We have no blood anywhere, near our optic nerve at that time of the morning. Trust me, scientific fact of life, no really.

So I get up out of my bed, not because it is no longer warm, not because it is uncomfortable, but because I know that it is too heavy to carry on my back all day long, and I have to separate from it some time. I walk to the scales and I weigh myself, “I am my perfect weight if I was seven feet tall.” It is gonna be a swell day.

Good morning hon, she smiles THAT smile at me. Coffee, two sugars, no conversation.

Walking outside with my cup of fresh coffee, I spy my neighbor who is standing in his yard too. “Gonna rain today Don” and he smiles back at me. I pick up the paper and reply, “Yeah, just my luck, wouldn’t you know it? I just painted my lawn yesterday.”