The Silly Season … Beyond Stupid


55 more days!  If I get one more Email on Sarah Super Mom or hear one more soundbite on “Lipstick and Farm Animals” I believe I will just go join the French Foreign Legion or some other sane organization.

Here is one for you boys …

“You can try and teach a pig to sing,

but it won’t work and all it does is irritate the pig.”

Now I understand that Obammer is losing in the polls because of all this nonsense and refusing to stick to the issues.  He is so desperate now that he has called in new workers to help out with his staff.

They Should Be Here By Mid October

They Should Be Here By Mid October

What do you get if you cross-breed a goat and a politician?

You get a “Weed eater that will not work.”

The Simpatico Jogger

Big Daddy Is In Trouble

Big Daddy Is In Trouble

Ran into a friend at the Mall the other day, I went out there to carouse the book store and get some chinese, I like that Chinese Food.  He said “How you doing, I notice you have put on some weight.”

Which I thought was rude and I just told him that “I was my perfect weight if I was seven feet tall.”

And left it at that.

Contrary to popular belief, I do allow one every now and then to slip one by, and let them win a round.

Came home and turned on the TV, sat down with my take out of Moo Poo Gia Pan and finished off the day.  Watched the news and some infomercials.  There could be a small grain of truth in the statement, “Television will turn your brain to Oatmeal.”

I suppose if you watch it enough, it could be possible. I am especially drawn to those wonderful late-nite commercials where all the smiling people invite you to lose “30 lbs. in 30 days.”

Which we all know, is of course, impossible.

That was yesterday and this is today.  This morning, I am down around my ankles, wiping off the morning shower with a big fluffy towel, that is oh so warm and inviting, a caress to my tired old wrinkled skin. I am bent over and I am dutifully drying my ankles and I am wondering to myself, “Do I need to do anything else why I am down here, because I am definitely not coming back down here any time soon.”

And then there is the other nagging question of “Is a quart of water supposed to come out of your belly-button when you bend over?” … is that natural?  I wipe the condensate from the mirror and look upon my reflection in the mirror and I think to myself, “I need to lose some weight.”

Once again, I think of the “lose 30 lbs. in 30 day thing” as I scratch parts of my lower extremities I have not seen in close to five years now. It is appealing, the thought of being able to lose all that weight with the mere snap of a finger.

Stop and consider right now, how convenient that would be. You come home from a hard day at work, open the old mailbox and there it is, “the invite to the Class Reunion” and you suddenly discover that you have but six months to lose 30 lbs and of course, find a life.

But we all know that unless you are willing to sacrifice a limb or check yourself into a concentration style fat farm in Sunny-Southern-Arizona, losing 30 lbs in 30 days (yet alone six months) is virtually impossible.

As I am somewhat pragmatic I always try to do the math, see if it actually adds up.

In order to lose one pound of body mass (without sacrificing or losing a body part) you have to create a 3,500-calorie deficit. You can accomplish this feat in one or two ways. You can either feed your body, 3,500 fewer calories than it needs to support itself, or you can increase your activity level and burn off an extra 3,500 calories.

If you want to lose 30 lbs., you’ll have to create a total caloric deficit of 105,000 calories. The average person, eating 2,800 calories a day, consumes only about 84,000 calories. The average person, eating 2,800 calories a day, consumes only about 84,000 calories each month.

Even if you stopped eating completely, you’d still have to burn an extra 21,000 calories through exercise to lose some 30 lbs. in 30 days. (Is you’d a real word?) Running two miles or engaging in two hours of intense aerobic exercise every day for an entire month would take care of those extra 21,000 calories.

Maybe you can combine total starvation with a strenuous daily workout, but in my case, I just do not see that happening. Running two miles per day would put me some sixty miles out into the Panhandle of Oklahoma and a tad bit lighter.

Nope, that sure isn’t happening here, not today.

A wise person knows his limitations in life, I am not that heroic guy who rides the Tour De France with courage and ultimate victory, a Lance Armstrong I am not. I cannot make laps in an Olympic size pool and swim like a seal. I have to shoot for lesser events in my life, like maybe walking to the end of the driveway and back.

Might shoot for the Annual Mt Airy “Mayberry Festival” in Mt. Airy, North Carolina, where they celebrate each September “The Andy Griffith Show” and attend Mayberry Days. There is a statue of Andy and Opie and replicas of Floyd’s Barber Shop, the jail and Andy’s house.

I might fit in just fine there.

Screw the reunion, I am gonna have a Twinkie.

000

Case Sensitive … Do Not Use !!#@#%!!

Browsing the net this morning and I come across this site that says:  “passwords are case sensitive, you cannot use !!#@#%!! in your screen name.”  And I thought back to the days of my youth, when my mother would stand on the front porch and scream …. “Don!  Get your !!#@#%!! butt in this house, and I mean right !!#@#%!! now, and when I got there she would say, wait until you !!#@#%!! father gets home.”

Well I got to tell ya … It brought a tear to my eye.

(No, honest, it !!#@#%!! did.)

Speaking yesterday to the annual Conference of the White House Initiative on National Historically Black Colleges and Universities, Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice admitted that there are too few African-Americans in her agency. “I can go into a whole day of meetings at the Department of State — and actually rarely see somebody who looks like me,” Rice said. “And that is just not acceptable.”

Here is an idea, “Buy A Mirror.”

If you are BORN in the USA then you are African nothing, you are American.  We need to drop this hyphenated crap and become ONE country.

More Big Oil Collateral Damage …One of the nation’s largest Hummer stores will shut its doors.  The Dan Towbin dealership in Las Vegas “is at least the eighth Hummer dealer closing this year, nearly a 5% decline in the brand’s U.S. dealer base.” The WSJ notes that, “with the national average for a price of gas resting at $3.66 a gallon, it costs $84 to fill up Hummer’s smallest model — the H3.”  No more toys for the Big Boys … Pain at the pump has gone to terminal, beyond hope …

It’s time to do your part America … Buy A Truck.

Here it comes, get ready.  One of the oldest scams government pulls on people is the “MORE for more LESS scam” and it appears it is on the horizon.  Cash strapped public transit systems nationwide are now cutting services and raising fares even as more American’s ditch their gas guzzling cars and take to public transportation.

We are now going to see more (fare) increases and more service cuts at a time when the nation is trying to encourage people to use public transit.  The greater Cleveland Regional Transit Authority has proposed a 50-cent fuel surcharge on fares and a 12% cut on services because diesel prices are up and funding from a local sales tax is down.

Just yesterday the news reported on an Oklahoma company that was manufacturing bio-diesel in our state.  At the end of the media piece they reported, “Don’t look for it here in Oklahoma (the low priced fuel) because the majority of it is shipped overseas to markets where they can realize $12 a gallon for the fuel.”

One thing we are getting good at these days, and that is “shooting ourselves in the foot.”

Curious about the value of your house?  Zellow.Com will tell you how much they are selling for in your area.  Ours apparently is somewhat like a U.S. Savings Bond … The longer we keep it, the less it is worth.

Higher Edu-may-cay-shun … In 2005 authorities sized the assets of California Alternative High School, a chain of 30 private schools, and ordered it to stop handing out diplomas.  The schools, which taught mostly non-native English speakers, charged $450 to $1,450 for a course based on a 54-page curriculum that was loaded with errors.

Among the things the students learned:  There are 53 United States; Congress has two houses – the Senate for Democrats and the House for Republicans; and World War II occurred from 1938-1942.  Kind of sounds like Bush’s alma matter.

And finally:

The Ladies Professional Golf Association (LPGA) has decided to repeal a policy requiring all players to speak English. Rep. Tom Tancredo (R-CO) is incensed at the change, saying that “the players on the tour that will pay the price in the long term for not speaking English.” Tancredo accused the LPGA of caving to the “politically correct left.”

NO SPEAKAH DE ENGLISH?

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. (Please note I did not say Italian-American men)  They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

‘Emma come First.  Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more! Two asses. They come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one Lasta Time.’

The lady can’t take this any more, ‘You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig.’  She retorted indignantly. ‘In this country, we don’t speak aloud in public places about our sex lives.’

‘Hey, coola down lady, ‘ said the man. ‘Who talkin’abouta sex? I’m a justa tellin my frienda how to spell ‘ Mississippi‘ ”

$5.00 says you’re gonna read that again.

000

Parting shot:After 60, if you don’t wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead.”