Big Daddy Is In Trouble
Ran into a friend at the Mall the other day, I went out there to carouse the book store and get some chinese, I like that Chinese Food. He said “How you doing, I notice you have put on some weight.”
Which I thought was rude and I just told him that “I was my perfect weight if I was seven feet tall.”
And left it at that.
Contrary to popular belief, I do allow one every now and then to slip one by, and let them win a round.
Came home and turned on the TV, sat down with my take out of Moo Poo Gia Pan and finished off the day. Watched the news and some infomercials. There could be a small grain of truth in the statement, “Television will turn your brain to Oatmeal.”
I suppose if you watch it enough, it could be possible. I am especially drawn to those wonderful late-nite commercials where all the smiling people invite you to lose “30 lbs. in 30 days.”
Which we all know, is of course, impossible.
That was yesterday and this is today. This morning, I am down around my ankles, wiping off the morning shower with a big fluffy towel, that is oh so warm and inviting, a caress to my tired old wrinkled skin. I am bent over and I am dutifully drying my ankles and I am wondering to myself, “Do I need to do anything else why I am down here, because I am definitely not coming back down here any time soon.”
And then there is the other nagging question of “Is a quart of water supposed to come out of your belly-button when you bend over?” … is that natural? I wipe the condensate from the mirror and look upon my reflection in the mirror and I think to myself, “I need to lose some weight.”
Once again, I think of the “lose 30 lbs. in 30 day thing” as I scratch parts of my lower extremities I have not seen in close to five years now. It is appealing, the thought of being able to lose all that weight with the mere snap of a finger.
Stop and consider right now, how convenient that would be. You come home from a hard day at work, open the old mailbox and there it is, “the invite to the Class Reunion” and you suddenly discover that you have but six months to lose 30 lbs and of course, find a life.
But we all know that unless you are willing to sacrifice a limb or check yourself into a concentration style fat farm in Sunny-Southern-Arizona, losing 30 lbs in 30 days (yet alone six months) is virtually impossible.
As I am somewhat pragmatic I always try to do the math, see if it actually adds up.
In order to lose one pound of body mass (without sacrificing or losing a body part) you have to create a 3,500-calorie deficit. You can accomplish this feat in one or two ways. You can either feed your body, 3,500 fewer calories than it needs to support itself, or you can increase your activity level and burn off an extra 3,500 calories.
If you want to lose 30 lbs., you’ll have to create a total caloric deficit of 105,000 calories. The average person, eating 2,800 calories a day, consumes only about 84,000 calories. The average person, eating 2,800 calories a day, consumes only about 84,000 calories each month.
Even if you stopped eating completely, you’d still have to burn an extra 21,000 calories through exercise to lose some 30 lbs. in 30 days. (Is you’d a real word?) Running two miles or engaging in two hours of intense aerobic exercise every day for an entire month would take care of those extra 21,000 calories.
Maybe you can combine total starvation with a strenuous daily workout, but in my case, I just do not see that happening. Running two miles per day would put me some sixty miles out into the Panhandle of Oklahoma and a tad bit lighter.
Nope, that sure isn’t happening here, not today.
A wise person knows his limitations in life, I am not that heroic guy who rides the Tour De France with courage and ultimate victory, a Lance Armstrong I am not. I cannot make laps in an Olympic size pool and swim like a seal. I have to shoot for lesser events in my life, like maybe walking to the end of the driveway and back.
Might shoot for the Annual Mt Airy “Mayberry Festival” in Mt. Airy, North Carolina, where they celebrate each September “The Andy Griffith Show” and attend Mayberry Days. There is a statue of Andy and Opie and replicas of Floyd’s Barber Shop, the jail and Andy’s house.
I might fit in just fine there.
Screw the reunion, I am gonna have a Twinkie.