Skinny Dipping With Grandpa

Mail has run and the box was empty, last weekend being Grandparents Day I had waited for the kids to send their mama something but they didn’t.  I had fortunately, had the forethought to go to the HallMark Store and purchase a card for her and I gave her a grandmother card.

I cannot stand it when they ignore her like that.  She is a good grandmother and she ought to get some recognition for the excellent job that she does.  Grandpa’s on the other hand, we don’t need a card, we are resigned to our station in life, which is to fill the void on crankiness and gruff exteriors, we don’t require a card.

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years.  He had a large pond in the back and it was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with a picnic table, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.  One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond as he had not been there for awhile, and look it over.  He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit and headed on down.

As he neared the pond, he heard voice shouting and laughing with glee.  As he came closer, he saw it was a group of young women skinny-dippin in his pond.  He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.  One of the girls shouted to him, “We are not coming out until you leave!”

The old man frowned, ‘I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond unclothed.”  Holding the bucket up he said, “I am here to feed the alligator.”

Some old timers are still pretty quick thinking on their feet.  We are not all in the same class, some of us despite the years, are still pretty speedy on the uptake, we are not all a bunch of old geezers and sedimentary rocks.  And we can still take care of business …..

Then there is the Rambo Granny of Melbourne, Australia.

Gun-toting granny Ava Estelle, 81, was so ticked-off when two thugs raped her 18 year old granddaughter, that she literally tracked them down and then shot off their testicles!

The old lady spent a week hunting those men down, and when she found them, she took revenge on them in her own special way, said Melbourne police investigator Evan Delp.  Then the grand-mommy took a taxi to the nearest police station, laid the gun on the sergeant’s desk and told him as calm as he could be:  “Those bastards will never rape anybody again, by God.”

Cops say convicted rapist and robber Davis Furth, 33, lost both his penis and his testicles when outraged Ava opened fire in the motel room with a 9mm pistol where he and his former cell mate Stanley Thomas, 29, were holed up.

The wrinkled avenger also blew Thomas’ testicles to kingdom come, but doctors managed to save his mangled penis, police said.  “The one guy, Thomas, didn’t lose his manhood, but the doctore I talked to said he won’t be using it the way he used to use it.  Both men are still in pretty bad shape, but I think they’re just happy to be alive after what they’ve been through.”

(Do you think so? I mean really … Do you think so?)

The Rambo granny swung into action August 21, after her granddaughter Debbie was carjacked and raped in broad daylight by two knife-wielding creeps in a section of town bordering on skid row.  “When I saw the look on my Debbie’s face that night in the hospital, I decided right then and there, I was going to go out and get those bastards myself, ‘cause I figured the Law would go easy on them, recalled the retired library worker.”

It just begs to ask … I wonder what she did to people who brought back a book late?

And I wasn’t scared of them either – because I’ve got me a gun and I have been shooting on my life.  I wasn’t dumb enough to turn it in when the law changed about owning one.”  So, using a police artists’ sketch of the suspects and Debbie’s description of the sicko’s, tough-as-nails Ava spent seven days prowling the wino-infested neighborhood where the crime took place till she spotted the ill-fated rapists entering their flophouse hotel.  “I knew it was them the minute I saw ’em but I shot a picture of them anyway and took it back to Debbie and she said sure as ____ it was them the oldster recalled. So I went back to that hotel and found their room and knocked on the door, and the minute the big one opened the door, I shot him right square between the legs, right where it would hurt him most, you know.”

(Trust me Grandma, I know!)

Then I went in and I shot the other one, as he backed up pleading to me to spare him.  Then I simply went down to the police station and turned myself in.

Now baffled lawmen down-under, are trying to figure out exactly how to deal with the vigilante Granny.  “What she did was wrong, and she broke the law, but it is difficult to throw an 81 year old woman in prison, especially when some three million people in the city want to nominate her for Mayor.”

We might be old and slow by most young peoples’ standards … but don’t count us out yet.


Parting shot: “The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.”