September Wrap

Take it to the Car Wash.

Seattle Washington is considering the banning of washing cars on the driveway. They say that all the pollution and run off (chemicals, brake dust) is harmful to the Puget Sound environment. I find this kind of hard to believe (must be my day to be a skeptic huh?). Our last visit to Seattle we went to the aquarium there, Seattle has a world class aquarium and we spent the day down on the bay.

One of the exhibits there was a sewer intake/outtake exhibit for the Puget Sound Region.

They had these huge concrete pipes in the museum about ten feet in diameter and a map of all their locations in the Puget Sound where they were, discharging effluent (treated sewage water) into the bay. You press a button and it displays on a board mockup of Puget Sound the locations of these outlet pipes. Some “44 of them.” So I would say the Salmon and other residents of the bay have more to worry about than car washes.

Here is some more sewage news, when the poo-poo hits the whirly-dirly (When “it” hits the fan Y’all) in Alabama they don’t have the change to pay for it.

Birmingham, Alabama, Jefferson County Commission President Bettye Fine Collins said the county will probably default on part of its $3.2 billion sewer debt but not file for bankruptcy. A so-called standstill agreement with sewer system creditors expires Tuesday. Once that happens, creditors can demand payments the county says it can’t afford. I mean how embarrassing is that? You owe $3.2 billion on your sewer bill.

My favorite door stop that can talk is on TV this morning.

Bush is coming on television sometime this morning, and I suppose he is going to play the “scare card” again. You ever notice how he does that? If we don’t take Osamma Been Forgotten, the Free World will be at risk. If we don’t go into Iraq and get Saddam, we will be at risk from all his nuclear weapons that did not exist. And now it is banking and Wall Street.

Perhaps Bush is using his version of new math?  Once again he will dig deep into his grab bag of political tricks and use the scare card.  Check your local listings or better yet, just check out, as we pointed out before, these people have a massive credibility issue.

Others do not agree with bailing out Wall Street and say it isn’t so.

Much of the country’s political and economic leadership has been running around raising the prospect of the Great Depression and a breakdown in the banking system (I actually had taken the latter seriously). These stories are absolutely not true. There is no plausible scenario under which the no bailout scenario gives us a Great Depression. There is a more plausible scenario (but highly unlikely) that the bailout will give us a Great Depression. There is no way that the failure to do a bailout will lead to more than a very brief failure of the financial system. We will not lose our modern system of payments. At this point I cannot identify a single good reason to do the bailout. Click here.

What is wrong with this picture?

Boston – The Justice Department said Massachusetts must provide Spanish-language ballots and materials to Puerto Rican voters in Worcester to settle allegations the state violated the Voting Rights Act. Federal officials said the state’s failure to provide the translated materials to Worcester residents in 2001 resulted in Puerto Rican voters not being able to access the polls or cast an informed ballot. State Sen. Dianne Wilkerson decided to seek a recount after her 228-vote loss to challenger Sonia Chang-Diaz in last week’s Democratic primary. Wilkerson, of Boston, is gathering signatures for a recount in five wards.

Juan is having problems down by the border.

Phoenix – The families of some illegal immigrants passing through the state are getting ransom demands from criminals claiming to have kidnapped their loved ones as they were sneaking into the country. What isn’t immediately clear to these families is that they’re targets of “virtual kidnapping.” The extortion scam has escalated to an average of one case being reported each week.

Your friends in the Oil and Gas Industry are in the news

Charleston – Royalty payments are awaiting state residents who had oil or gas leases with Dominion Resources. The energy company will pay $40 million to $50 million to 25,000 owners to resolve a lawsuit that alleged Dominion cheated them out of royalties. The dispute centered on whether gas drillers could deduct production costs before calculating royalty payments.

One honest man in Pennsylvania

HarrisburgPennsylvania‘s highest court said a judge can’t refuse an 11% pay raise. The high court upheld a lower court ruling that said Superior Court Judge Joan Orie Melvin cannot legally reject the salary, which went from $145,658 to $162,100 in September 2006, when the high court reinstated a pay hike that had been repealed.

Another Looney law in a long, long list of curious oddities in America.

  • New, New Jersey, forbids the sale of ice after 6 P.M. without a prescription.
  • South Foster, Rhode Island, any dentist who extracts the wrong tooth mush have a similar tooth pulled by the village Blacksmith.
  • And map that does not prominently display the city of Lima, Ohio, is illegal to sell in Lima, Ohio.
  • In Portland, Maine, it is illegal to tickle a girl under the chine with a feather duster.
  • In Seattle, Washington, it is illegal to carry a concealed weapon that exceeds six feet in length.

And if you think that is ridiculous or bad you ought to live in Oklahoma where it is illegal to: Read a comic book while operating a motor vehicle. Oklahoma will not tolerate anyone taking a bite out of another’s hamburger. Whaling is illegal. It is illegal to have the hind legs of farm animals in your boots.

The really sad part of all this, it is real, and not made up. Who writes this stuff?

People like this.

I am outta here … See you in October.


Winners and Losers

I like that subject, “Winners and Losers” there are so many avenues available to you on something like this with a heading like that. Sit back, sip on your morning coffee, and wade your way thru this, you will be glad you did.

Loser: Anyone with teenagers living in the house, especially in the groceries department. What is the definition of a teenager? God’s punishment for enjoying sex. I often crack up when I observe teenagers, I think about all these women walking around some 40 years from now, all tattooed and what not. Kind of amuses me.

Winner: Anytime you order food at McDonalds and the min-wage-earner behind the counter does not have any open sores or pimples on his face. When you avail yourself of the drive thru window and get home and discover that your order is there, in place, and it is correct. Anyone who can smile before ten in the morning.

Loser: All these people that believe they are born to be something else, and have to find a medical plan, that allows for major overhauls in Trinidad Colorado. I think a transvestites’ life would be a loser. Who wants to be a guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary? Anyone who contracts Genitofemoral neuropathy by wearing jeans that are just too dog-gone tight.

Winner: A smile and a hug from a little kid, or an invite to go outside and go for a walk. Buying a luke warm glass of lemonade from a curb-side stand on a hot day sold by children. Anyone who tickles a kid before bed and tells them a prayer. Sharing a milkshake with a four year old at the local malt shop.

Loser: The poor sap at work that is always being assigned the bottom of the rung assignment from the boss. The Dirty Harry of the Workplace. The Pope expects you to kiss his ring, and you know what the boss expects. My boss was a real loser, and to make matters worse, “he had the same last name that I had.” He was a real piece of work. His mind was like lightning, one brilliant flash, and then the entire thing was gone. He used to call me at home on my day off, and then wonder why it was that I hung up on him? Now that is sharp.

Winner: Opening a mailbox and finding a card or a letter addressed to you and it is not your birthday. Walking into the room, noticing your wife is watching the Food Channel, or the Shopping Channel, but she isn’t sitting close to the remote.

Loser: Football fans. Football watching is time consuming and awful addicting to some people in certain cases. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you are in the bathroom. There can be three minutes left on the clock, you go to the bathroom, stop by the kitchen for a quick trip to raid the refrigerator, microwave something you found there for 2.5 minutes, come back into the room and there is still two minutes left on the clock!

Winner: Sharing a sleeping bag in a remote Canadian forest on a chilly night with a blonde who has a husky laugh in the dark. Ordering a Hamburger and the kid behind the counter doesn’t ask me if I want “cheese” on it. Hot French Fries, and a glass of Diet Coke that actually has some ice in it. A credit card statement that says you have a credit of eighty-eight cents.

Loser: Anyone living in any country that collects taxes, you are a loser. Why is it that business gets a write off on taxes but we on the other hand are only required to pay them? I have at least eleven different taxes on my telephone service for example, but at the end of the year, I am not allowed to claim even one.

Winner: If you can lie in a tub and soak in hot water and the telephone doesn’t ring, you are a winner. Hot water every morning to wash your face and hands, a soft bed and a day off.

Loser: Anytime your wife wakes you up from an afternoon nap, and hands you a trash sack on a cold, cold day, you are a loser. Which certainly must apply to me, I am the kind of guy, who after taking out the trash, walks around and gives the impression that I just cleaned the entire house! My next house, if I should ever decide to move, will not have a kitchen. Just a vending machine and maybe a trash can.

Winner: Finding a parking spot at the mall, close to the door BEFORE your wife points it out to you. Watching television at your girlfriend’s house during a power failure. Getting licked in the face by a puppy and having your grandchild tell you that he/she loves you.

Loser: Anyone who has made a trip to the grocery store in the past 60 days. The American Economy has given me new strength. Fifty years ago you needed a station wagon to hold $10 worth of groceries. 20 years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars worth of groceries out to the car. And today, my five year old grandson can just about handle it all, in one pitiful little sack.

Winner: Moving your just washed car, and heading into the kitchen for a glass of sweet tea, before the neighbors sprinklers suddenly go off.

Loser: If you have to sit at the local tire shop waiting on a rotation with every known smoker in the state of Oklahoma. Anyone who takes his hand and cuffs a kid upside the head to reason with him is a loser. Speeding in a school zone or missing your kid in the class play, calling a child a dummy.

Winner: Walking outside on Friday and seeing the trash man has came, emptied your trash cans, and there isn’t any of it scattered on your front lawn.

Loser: Anyone with “Ossama” anywhere in his legal name. Any time you take your car into a dealership to get it worked on. You cringe when they call out your name and tell you to go to the cashier. There you are told “we have just checked your car and it only had one problem … we fixed it. Your bill is $1,125.00.”

Winner: Then you look at your wife and release a sigh of relief and say … “I was really worried they were going to rip us off. It was only $1,100 and some change. I was relieved when the mechanic told me it was just low on turn-signal fluid, and that was all it needed.”

And then at times, there are things that just naturally remind you of losers.

Like the time I turned on the television and the President of the United States was making a major address to the American People and he said ….. (Warning them of possible terrorist threats) “You know, if you find a person that you’ve never seen before getting in a crop-duster that doesn’t belong to you, report it.”

Now that was pretty smooth I have to admit.

See you later, don’t forget, “never squat down with your spurs on!” and we will see y’all later.


Possibly related: Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, Tom Cruise, Jesse Jackson, Jimmy Swaggart, Ross Perot, Joe Biden, Dick Cheney, Ralph Nader, Al Gore, Chandra Levy, Mariah Carey, or just about anyone that shows up for auditions on American Idol.

Head Cheerleader

Haven’t heard much from our head cheerleader here lately (Bush), he isn’t getting a lot of media play and even his own party isn’t courting him any longer. His approval rating is lower than Popsicle freezing temperature and he is sinking fast. He is just now starting to realize after eight years, “that if everyone around you has an attitude problem” you might be it.

I suppose if it gets too overwhelming and nothing else seems to help, he could try this

News book out on him, “Tragic Legacy” and I think that is being kind to him.  Americans will rue the day they ever installed this Cheney-Rove-Rumsfield-puppet.

In the late 1870’s the Princeton University football team (the Tigers) had a male pep squad that sat in the stands and supported them with chants of “Ray, ray, ray! Tiger, tiger, sis, sis, sis! Boom, boom, boom! Aaah! Princeton, Princeton, Princeton!”

But it wasn’t until 1884, when football was introduced at the University of Minnesota, that a student named Johnny Campbell became the world’s first cheerleader: He got up in front of a crowd and urged them to chant “Rah, rah, rah.”

As college football spread in the early 20th century, cheerleading spread too. The first female cheerleaders hit the sidelines in 1927 at Marquette University. Paper pom-poms were introduced in the 1930’s.

And then over the weekend, I read where a Wisconsin woman allegedly stole her daughter’s identity to become a high school cheerleader. Wendy Brown, 33, enrolled in Ashwaubenon High School with documents belonging to her daughter, who lived out of state.

Brown attended practice and parties with the cheerleading squad before the ruse was exposed. Police charged Brown with Identity theft and said that “she had no childhood and was trying to regain a part of life she missed.”

Monday morning, the bailout’s continue and a candy bar is soon to be $5 … more if you want nuts. Let’s all say a cheer for all those hardworking political types that finally had to get off their over-paid a** and actually did something …… Ready?

Watermelon, Watermelon, Cadillac Car, we aren’t as dumb as you think we is!


Related: Hey Mr. Congressman

Salacious – Sad – Sunny

Welcome to the Creative Endeavors home page and gift shop … How may we serve you? Trusting that you had a marvelous weekend and things were pleasant and comfortable, it is now time to once again to face the new week.

What will this week bring?

Sarah Palins email got hacked and someone got into her computer, someone spent several hours trying to get into John McCain’s computer, but that is okay, it was John McCain. An Al Qaeda video that has surfaced has been called by the Bush administration, propaganda, Iran said it was noteworthy, and Hollywood as expected, gave it an Emmy for best video of the year.

N.O.W. (the National Organization For Women) has announced that they are endorsing Obamma for the presidential ticket, you know who Obamma is, the guy that doesn’t have a woman on his ticket. An Islamic cleric has legalized marriages between adult males and girls as young as nine years old. In related news, my cracker neighbor has just announced that he is converting to Islam.

In a recent poll, 57% verses 47% said that they would rather watch football with Obamma than with John McCain. However in another poll, 98% said that they would rather watch a football game with Sarah Palin, than with Joe Biden.

You remember Joe Biden don’t you. He is the guy who said that “FDR during the depression came on TV and got everyone up to speed on the crisis at hand, and that he was a take charge guy.”

Unfortunately, it was Herbert Hoover and sorry Joe, TV had not been invented at that time. Close but no cigar.  I know that you have to be a U.S. Citizen to be President of the United States, do you have to be a high-school graduate to be in Congress?  How can all these people “consistently get it wrong?”

When I heard that McCain’s running mate had named her children, Track, Willow, Bristol, Piper, and Trig I was kind of taken back. A lot of us like to believe that this is the country we grew up in, where people gave their kids names like Alameda, Savannah or Puff Daddy.  I miss Hillary.  Hillary after all was from Arkansas, a southern state, where things occur naturally.

Like the daughter coming in and sayin …  “Momma, Billy Ray stuck his Henry Johnson in my who-ha, and now my tummy is gettin’ big … If’n it’s a boy Momma, can we name him Skeeter?”

Over the weekend the Japanese announced a new fast speed camera lens. This thing is so fast, it can actually track Obamma changing his positions on Iraq, National Defense and gun ownership. China-Mart still has regular lenses on sale, these being much slower are perfect for capturing images of McCain driving down the interstate at 35 MPH in the Straight Talk Express in the FAST LANE with his left blinker on.

The Food Network has changed their site, and it is almost impossible to find the TV shows and the recipes for the wife, she is miffed and frankly, so am I. What is it that makes these geeks constantly go in and tinker with sites and change them around? Why cannot they just leave it alone, when it is working just fine, and is not irritating the old geezers out there such as myself.

BTW (by the way) thanks for the encouraging emails on my recent doctor visit in preparation for another year of life.

I wasn’t feeling all that well, so I checked in for a check up, and the doctor said, “I have some disturbing news for you Mr. Smith. According to the latest lab work, you don’t have much time left.” Of course I responded with “that is terrible!, how long do I have Doc?” He paused a little and then said “Ten” and again … I flipped out totally and asked him … “Weeks? Months? What is it?” and the doctor interrupted and said …. “Nine … Eight …”

Been slow this weekend, Cracker Boy is changing up his webpage, Author is writing a piece on the dash, but her being English and all, she is calling it the “Mind The Gap.” I think it has something to do with the dash on your tombstone, the interval of time between when you are born and you die, but I am not sure. Local Malcontent is strangely silent, but he is in “love” so that is understandable.

There is this horrible email floating around on the A.I.G. $85 million dollar buy-out that is as bogus as the day is long, don’t buy into it.  Some really bad math in this thing, about as bad as Palin and Bidens’ recollections on past history. The usual assortment of the “this guy is a dirty low down no good egg sucking dog and cannot be trusted” floating around too.

Or in other words … Thirty-seven more days.

Well, if you will excuse me, I am gonna go watch the Food Network, today they are going to have Gina and Pat cook up some of their daughters’ favorite foods. With BBQ Shrimp, Sloppy Joes, Rotel Dip and Piggie Butter Cookies, Shelby and Spencer are sure to enjoy their favorite dishes! Later on, Duff takes the staff on a field trip to a tattoo museum and the staff works on cakes including a duck hunt, frogs and lily pads and an EMT from Amarillo revives a run over armadillo.

So much for the Salacious, Sad and Sunny on Monday.


Back Off (audio)

Leave Me Alone I am disgruntled

Leave Me Alone I am disgruntled

Went to the doctor on Friday, part of my yearly check up and planned maintenance schedule. You see life doesn’t begin after forty, maintenance begins after forty. Recently my sister said “that sixty was the new forty” and I love my sister, but she has that wrong, she isn’t even close … Sixty is the new Sixty and that is the name of that tune.

My doctor says my blood pressure is high, I am winning the lottery on my cholesterol and all in all, I should not be here, but I am. Another mystery of medical science.

He says that my weight is perfect if I was seven feet tall! He cannot do a thing about this fungus on my thumb and I should be encased in something that they make pickles out of.

So I am sitting there and I tell him (the doctor) that I am somewhat depressed with all this government crap, Obammer not willing to show his birth certificate to anyone, McSame not remembering where it is he lives, Sarah Palin and her views on loading your own ammo. So I ask him about some anti-depressants and what could he give me.

He said he could give me this stuff that would alleviate a lot of my anxiety, but that he would have to schedule checkup’s for at least 84 days to check on me. I suggested that perhaps he could pass on that, and instead, just listen to the Police Scanner.

But he said no dice.

So I am back to my own reality, not a good week for government, business, and doctor appointments. I suppose we are onto another four years of pretending that the Global Warming issue is NOT an issue and we are going to burn freight-train loads of “Clean Coal.” Which like the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus, Big Foot and UFO’s, the Republican Flat Earth theory, all of which do not exist.

Bush did promise, exactly like McSame has promised, that he would impose mandatory emission controls not only on carbon dioxide but also on three other dangerous pollutants. Unfortunately in Bush’s case, that quickly took a back burner position in the government kitchen, and he went back to sitting in the oval office popping bubble wrap and playing video games.

With all this current rounds of check kiting schemes and far fetched financial programs going on, I have forgotten if we are going to drill the tundra or not? We are going to punch holes in this theory too. Welcome to the wonderful world of Washington Fuzzy Thinking.

What, you wonder, does drilling for oil in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge have to do with solving the energy problem in California? Absolutely, nothing. Less than one percent of California’s electricity comes from oil. So it pretty apparent that dog isn’t gonna hunt.

Wind power, Mr. T. Boone Pickens plan is currently being tossed about, take a look at that. He wants to be the Saudi Arabia of wind-power on the American plains. Take a gander at how much land it would take to accomplish this lofty goal, it boggles the mind.  To get the United States off foreign energy, we would need 41,767,850 turbines, which would over an area of 10,441,962.5 acres of land.  This is also 16,316 square miles or nearly the size of Vermont and New Hampshire combined.

The complete article can be found here ….

Perhaps after one solid week of “bad news” this is why this morning I find myself disgruntled. I always loved that word “disgruntled” my boss used it quite a lot. It has that “Metamucil” (laxative) sound to it. I am a bit disgruntled; I ate too much cheese last night on my pizza. You get disgruntled when you see that the amount of gas you used last year at this time was $54.54 and this year, the same amount of gas, is $110.47.

And then there is Joe Biden who this week is quoted as saying …. “It is your patriotic duty to pay higher taxes.”

That will make you disgruntled for sure.

Finding myself debilitated by a series of bad news announcements, I have sank into a truly pitiable senescence attitude, surrounded by newspapers I no longer can stand to read, and once again bitching about the moron’s in our government this morning.What the hey?  It beats mowing the lawn or finding yourself on the wrong-end of weed whacker.

Bad news just has that effect on me.  I just naturally find myself bent out of shape.  And after the week I have had … It is no small wonder I feel yucky.


Parting Shot: “Cheer up.  Do you realize that in about 40 years, we’ll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?  And Rap Music will be considered Golden Oldies!”

Too Much Stuff

Another Day In Mt Trashmore America

Man, I woke up this morning in a cold sweat. I had two crazy dreams last night. The first one was that everyone who had an RSS Feed on this blog wrote in and had a comment, and I had to answer each and every one of them!

Man that is scary huh?

The other dream was more in line with my current lifestyle. I dreamed that I had a huge dumpster placed on my driveway and that I was busy chunking “stuff” into it and cleaning up some of the trash of man that I have collected over the years. That I was actually in control and was being allowed to throw something around here into the trash and, God Forbid, actually getting rid of it.

Like most Americans … We have far too much stuff.

We have over the years collected all of this garbage, some of it is nice, and some of it cheap and tacky, the absolute best that China Mart has to offer. When I came home from Viet Nam I had a sea bag and that was it, now it would take four Semi’s to move me, and that is a fact. Now all these years later, we are choking on it and I need to figure out a way to get rid of it.

You see, “I am the designated heaver and she is the stuffer.”  That is the pecking order here in Mt. Trashmore America.

One year, we had three, count ‘em, I said … Three … garage sales! I asked her, “Why are we hanging onto this. Baby clothes from her first born male child who is now 41 years old!” and her reply was …. “We might need it someday.”

Shoot me!

Take me out into a field like an old dog, put my head down

and pump one into my head.

Now I know that you are seriously doubting most or all of this, but I swear it is true. She went home to her mothers on a five week vacation and while she was away, I made three trips to the dump and we almost separated over that. One of the worst fights we ever had was because of something I said.

My uncle built this huge pole barn in Logan County.

This thing held three tractors, a combine, five ton wheat truck, motorhome, ski boat and all manner of tools. It was BIG and he said, “You ever see a pole barn this big Donnie?” and I said, “Nah, this aint all that big, my wife could fill something like this in less than three weeks!”

And I ate Tuna Fish sandwiches for a month.

Not long ago I watched a segment of Dr. Phil on compulsive hoarders and another similar show on Oprah that was basically covering the same problem. It was sad to see how people get so attached to their things, and that their things actually “ruled them” instead of the other way around. Sadly in America our things own us, and we are just the caretaker of items that will eventually be passed on to the next person.

So, that is what I dreamed about last night. Just between me and the fencepost, I liked the first dream the best. More than likely I could actually have done something about that.



Parting shot: “God Bless America — A thirty-something woman is never slender enough, a credit limit is never fat enough.”