Missing Lil Brother

THIS IS LONG … ABOUT FOURTEEN HUNDRED WORDS,

YOU MIGHT WANT TO SKIP THIS ONE.

It has been for the most part, a lousy week.  First I find that a lot of my posts are NOT being posted, and now I find that they are being PRE-POSTED (I had scheduled them, wordpress however prints the things) and it is a lose/lose situation for me.  This morning I am down in the mount, I am under the weather, I am tired and sad.  Why not?  I got the right to be sad, if I want to.

The hot water cascades down my backside and I concentrate the spray on the bottom of my neck, I am tense, my muscles (what is left of them) are knotted up and I am wound tighter than a ten-day clock.This morning I am not singing in the shower, I am using it in some cathartic way to ease my pain.

I want to cry, but my mind says, “Hey dummy, real men don’t cry.”Yeah?Well, that’s crap.We read between the lines, we have a sensitive side, and we cry, we just don’t let you see it … that’s life.

Often it is hard to just sit down, and stare at an empty computer screen, to dwell in the twilight hours of the morning, that special time just before the dawn, when the birds wake up and sing.You sit here and you wonder what it is that you are going to say this day, for nothing is ever for sure anymore. Today is no different than any other, the screen has nothing on it, and I am alone with my musings, my ritualistic cup of luke warm coffee and my thoughts.But on the other hand, it is a special day for me.

A little more than a month ago they laid my Little Brother down for his final internment, the funeral home and society call it “his final resting place.”(might mention here that he was not my biological brother, he was my friend)   Final resting place strikes me as strange.  It to me is a strangely inappropriate choice of words, rest from what?

He is gone now, his work here is over, and he has passed on.Another saying or anachronism that I do not understand.In all fairness, I am not totally sure if anachronism is the appropriate word here, but I am going to use it.

When people die, and it falls around a National Holiday or some other notable day, perhaps it is best to delay the official ceremonies until the day after or thereabouts?He was laid to rest on Friday the Thirteenth, now I am not overly cautious on this day, nor am I of a superstitious nature, but every Friday the Thirteenth, from here on out, I will think of it as “the day they laid John down to rest.”

This day, is now a benchmark in my life, for a totally new reason.Hopefully with time, after the grief and the pain has slipped away, on this day in the future, I will be able to stop, pause and smile.Remember his goofy laugh, some of the weird things we talked about, all the times we spent together.

How do you deal with it?

How is it, that you begin the grieving, the healing process?How is it that you find the appropriate way to let go and begin anew.I don’t understand.I know that deep inside, there is this hidden untapped reserve of strength that can be used to help carry me thru this terrible time in my life. This sick lost feeling permeates my soul.How it is that I tap into this inner strength and use it to find a way to deal with this right now in the moment.Unfortunately, this escapes me.

But I will figure it out … Somehow … I always do.

Pausing briefly to stop and consider it all, I am not running the rat race today.My pace won’t be hectic, I will not feel the need to stop and rest, the need to catch my breath.When I do stop, I just get sad.Man, I don’t like sad.I have done sad before and believe me, happy is much, much better.Please forgive me … but I just miss him.And I will also freely admit, I am selfish, I want him back.

Today I know the telephone isn’t going to ring with some simple, goofy computer problem and the all too familiar, “my printer is doing this and that, and my email is all jammed up.”I know we are never going to sit in the dark at the picnic table in the backyard, under a never ending blanket of stars in the summertime and discuss all the ills of the modern world, those “Liberal Damn Democrats” or “Why it doesn’t hurt a kid when he gets licked in the face by a dog.”

Important issues that friends talk about …

Sudden death is so cruel to the soul.When someone ages and then goes on, you understand, you tell yourself, “they lived their life, they had a good run, things go the natural way and time takes its toll” you have a period of time to convince the mind, to prepare if you will, for the final outcome.I don’t have a problem with that at all.

But when death comes like a thief in the night, and snatches the person from you and he or she is instantly gone, that is so hard to deal with.That compounds the grief, multiplies it ten fold.You have this gnawing feeling deep inside your gut that things were left unsaid, that issues needed to be addressed or resolved, you feel cheated, you feel robbed.

You didn’t get the opportunity to say good bye.

During certain periods of my life, I have at times, fancied myself as a wordsmith or an adept story-teller, but this morning the blank screen wins, it is just not there.I have always feel at a definite loss when a friend of mine male or female, loses a companion or a buddy, I don’t always know what to say to them, what to offer up, to ease them thru it, to relieve their grief and suffering.

And this morning I have a new found understanding of an age old problem.You do your best and, even tho’ this is the best of intentions on your part, there is really “nothing that you can say” that is going to make it better.Because it just is something that you have to face, to deal with, and there isn’t anything that is going to make that any better.No store bought card, encouraging word by telephone, text message or email is going to fill the void.

I have had good times, bad times, hard times, and done time, and my life has been a blessing every day.My life has been grand, and it is because of people like John, who came in and shared it with me for long periods or just briefly.In this case over twenty years, we had a good run, me and my Little Brother JT.

Abraham Lincoln said:“How miserable things seem to be arranged in this world! If we have no friends, we have no pleasure; and if we have them, we are sure to lose them, and be doubly pained by the loss.”

A man dies a little each time he loses a friend; it has to be a rule of life.

This morning I am remembering John, and I am thinking about a line I gave my wife years ago, somehow it seems appropriate this day.It goes like this:“I can fix just about anything in the world, except one thing.I cannot fix a broken heart, I can mend it a little, and try to fix it, but it will always remain broken in one way or the other.”

Kind of like how I feel this morning … Man, I miss my buddy, my Little Brother … JT.

I know this has been long, and I apologize for that, but it is like I mentioned in the very beginning. My mind says, “Hey dummy, real men don’t cry.”Yeah?Well, that’s crap.We read between the lines, we have a sensitive side, and we cry, we just don’t let you see it … that’s life and you can take that with you on your journey this morning..

Along with the rest of it, just a few things that “needed to be said.”

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One thought on “Missing Lil Brother

  1. Hi DS,

    Losing a friend is painful – you only have to read the post I wrote yesterday entitled “Remembrance” to know I understand.

    It must have been hard not getting to say goodbye – but then when my dear friend died of terminal cancer, I got three months to say goodbye and it didn’t make it any easier.

    Maybe losing an important person from your life can never be easy ….

    I try to make it over there at least once a day and check out your posts. Also have you on RSS and see it that way.

    DS

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