How To Tell If You Are In Colorado …

You’re from Colorado if you will eat ice cream in the winter. When the weather report says it’s going to be 65 degrees, you shave your legs and wear a skirt. It snows 5 inches and you don’t expect school to be canceled. If you are the third person to go thru the lite, after it turns red, you are most likely in Denver.

You’ll wear flip flops every day of the year, regardless of temperature. You have no accent at all, but can hear other people’s. And then you make fun of them. ‘Humid’ is over 25%. Your sense of direction is: Toward the mountains and Away from the mountains.

You say ‘the interstate’ and everybody knows which one. You think that May is a totally normal month for a blizzard. You buy your flowers to set out on Mother’s day, but try and hold off planting them until just before Father’s day. You grew up planning your Halloween costumes around your coat.

You know what the Continental Divide is. You don’t think Coors beer is that big a deal. You went to Casa Bonita as a kid, and as an adult. You’ve gone off-roading in a vehicle that was never intended for such activities. You always know the elevation of where you are. You wake up to a beautiful, 80 degree day and you wonder if it’s going to snow tomorrow.

Every movie theater has military and student discounts. Everybody wears jeans to church. You actually know that South Park is a real place not just a show on TV. You know what a ‘trust fund hippy’ is, and you know its natural habitat is Boulder

A bear on your front porch doesn’t bother you. Your two favorite teams are the Broncos and whoever is beating the crap out of the Raiders. When people out East tell you they have mountains in their state too, you just laugh. You go anywhere else on the planet and the air feels ‘sticky’ and you notice the sky is no longer blue.

And my absolute favorite:

98% OF AMERICANS SCREAM BEFORE GOING IN THE DITCH ON A SLIPPERY ROAD. THE OTHER 2% ARE FROM COLORADO AND THEY SAY, ‘HOLD MY SODA AND WATCH THIS.

More?

D.W.I. Colorado

DWI Colorado (audio)

(Parody of Rocky Mountain High by John Denver)

I’d been sippin’ on some vino
From a pretty decent year
Zippin’ home in my classic Porsche 914
I saw flashin’ lights behind me
Heard a siren in the wind
And I wondered what the ossifer pulled me over for

When I first rolled down the window
He stuck a flashlight in my eyes
So I smiled and I asked him what was wrong
He said your left taillight is broken
You missed a stop sign way back there
You’re going way too fast
And your breath smells pretty strong

In the Colorado Rocky Mountains high
I’m weavin’ left to right and side-to-side
Now I’m trying hard to touch my nose
But I always stab my eye

DWI Colorado
DWI Colorado
DWI Colorado

“Uh, step out of the car. You’re doomed, ‘Mr. Sunshine On My Shoulders’. You’re drivin’ on the shoulder.”
DWI
Colorado
DWI Colorado

Thanks to KZOK FM 102.5


Back to Home Page

Packin It In …

One of my favorite haunts has gone out of business. It appears that Mike over at Okiedoke has packed it in. He first said that he was going to take a week to chill out, relax a little, and that quickly went to three weeks. Today I find that his site is virtually closed down, and the comment feature disabled, another good read has gone the way of other things. Mike it seems, is no longer a member of the virtual community and I for one, will miss him.

I wonder if he burned out, or found the lack of communication in this social networking community somewhat lacking? There are times, if you are bloggin that you feel a definite lack of human interaction and sometimes the conversation becomes a little bit downgrading. For the most part “social networking” isn’t all that it is cracked up to be on any given day.

Perhaps Mike just wanted to be alone, to hide from all his “electronic” friends. Maybe he wanted to just slink back into the “real world.” It could be that he was for most intents and purposes just getting wound a little too tight. Most of us know when it is time to stop, take a moment to step back and take a good hard look at it. Sitting down and punching out 55-60 of these per month, is often a daunting task, this month it was 57, and almost 40,000 words. Most do not attempt this, nor do they have the ability, Mike was proficient and he did put out good posts, I for one, will miss his daily read.

It is as they say … It all flows downhill. My daddy used to refer to it as “rolling with the punches.”

You cannot squeeze water, it will not allow it. Water eludes you, if you relax your hands into it, you experience it readily. If it stands still, it becomes stagnant, just like us, we stay sedimentary, we waste away. If it is allowed to flow, it will stay pure. Water goes with the flow, it does not seek the highest point to be above it all, but settles for the lowest places. It gathers into rivers, lakes, and streams; courses to the sea and then evaporates to fall again as rain.

Water maps out nothing and it plays no favorites. It doesn’t really intend to provide sustenance to the animals and plants. It has no plans to irrigate the fields; to slake our thirst; or to provide the opportunity to swim, sail, ski, and scuba dive. It just does what it does and it becomes what it is … Which in turn, a lot of the time, benefits the rest of us.

When I get ready to pack it all in, explode and let ‘er rip, I take a deep breath, and try my best to chill out. I tell myself it is time for this old —- to mellow out. I need to let or allow, my thoughts and behaviors to move smoothly in accordance with nature, to learn how to go with the flow, the natural progression of things. If necessary …. Change my habits and my location. I need to find me a harmonious spot and campout for a short while. Perhaps this is the very same Mike is talking about when he says I am closing up shop.

There is deep inside me, a gentle side, it isn’t seen much anymore, but I KNOW it can be revived and it is there, lying dormant just below the surface. It is a natural thing to be gentle, to allow others to be free to go where they are inclined to want to go; and to be as they need to be, without interference from me.

I just need to learn how to tune into my inner inclinations, and stick to my word. Treat everyone as equals, give an inch every now and then, I don’t always have to be first into the intersection, I don’t have to win every battle. One thing I have learned, and that is how to stop practicing this idea of fighting with life, and instead, learn how to embrace it. Like our Old Buddy Frazier Crane used to say on Cheer’s … Find your happy place and get in it.

  • A hot bath, if I need one
  • A place to soak in the tub and relax.
  • Medicine, and the ability to pay for it.
  • Time, which I can use, to meditate and work it all out.
  • Goin’ with the flow .. Contemplating the better things in life, learning how to crank it down.

From time to time, I take this old Email that I have that a friend sent to me, pull it out and I read it. Listen to a little Glenn Miller and collect what I have left of my thoughts. Try to walk a mile in another man’s shoes.

Works for me.

My Confession

000

Check is in the mail …

A Briton accused of hacking into top secret military computers has lost a Law Lords appeal against being extradited to stand trial in the US. Glasgow-born Gary McKinnon could face life in jail if convicted of accessing 97 US military and Nasa computers. He hacked into all of these military computers “searching for evidence of UFO’s” being withheld from the general public by the U.S. Government. If there is life in the Universe, I sure hope it is smarter than what we have here.

I guess it had to happen. Tansgender Bathrooms.

This morning I found a web story about a school in Asia that is now supplying “Transgender Bathrooms” for students. Between the girls’ toilet and the boys’ there is one signposted with a half-man, half-woman figure in blue and red. This is the transsexual toilet, and outside, in front of the mirrors, some decidedly girly-looking teenage boys preen their hair and apply face cream.

So, when the do the dirty deed … Do they stand up or sit down? I Never get all the facts, who, what, where, when and why, first thing they teach you in journalism 101.

The headteacher, (their words not mine, I swear!) Sitisak Sumontha, estimates that in any year between 10% and 20% of his boys consider themselves to be transgender – boys who would rather be girls. “They used to be teased every time they used the boys’ toilets,” he said, “so they started using the girls’ toilets instead. But that made the girls feel uncomfortable. It made these boys unhappy, and started to affect their work.”

I must be weird, all I ever wanted to be was a fireman.

Girls=Boys in Math. Researchers for the National Science Foundation have found that boys and girls now perform equally in standardized math tests. New findings indicate that girls are just as smart as boys when it comes to the subject of math. Which should come as no big surprise to a guy who’s idea of higher education was standing on the top of the Frat House, dressed in a toga and yelling …. “Bring me the virgins to wax my loins!”

More math, just what I need.

Oil prices have dropped to about $125 a barrel this week after reaching a peak of $147.27 earlier this month. Meanwhile, gas prices are still hovering around the $4 mark down just a few cents from an all-time record average of $4.11 two weeks ago.

Why does it seem like gas prices go up faster than they come down?  Because they do. Analyses of gasoline economics show that when the price of oil rises, it takes up to four weeks for gas station prices to catch up, with most of the increase taking place within the first two weeks.

But when oil prices sink, it takes up to eight weeks for the savings to be passed along to consumers. The phenomenon is known as “asymmetric price adjustment” or, more informally down in Crawford, Texas, as the, “rockets and feathers principle.”

Think about it … It will come to you.

Supporters of the 2005 Bankruptcy Act said that by punishing “deadbeats” the law would reduce consumers’ borrowing costs. (Curiously that is the statement credit card companies use to describe people who pay their balances on time, deadbeats. They would prefer to have revolving balances, and those are called, revolvers) It has seemingly backfired on them, since this bills’ passage, credit card borrowing costs have risen by as much as 17%. But this is a bankers’ bill, and we all know about bankers.

They are the only people who can understand the principle of ONE TELLER and ELEVEN WINDOWS.

This week a man in Texas complained because the credit card folks charged him a $39 charge for paying his bill two days late, and that they jacked him up 3.5 times on the interest. He said that “they didn’t send him a bill and that is why he was late.” Uh huh, sure. I believe it was Ben Franklin that said, “Those who lend money have a better memory than those who are prone to borrow it.”

Merrill Lynch knows a bit about red ink as well. A mere 10 days after declaring a $4.65 billion second-quarter loss, the investment bank announced another $5.8 billion write down and the need to issue $8.5 billion in new common stock, which will substantially dilute the value of current stock. As the Financial Times disturbingly puts it: “The latest Merrill write-downs raises new questions about whether banks themselves understand the extent of their problems.”

Perhaps Mr. Bush forgot to send them a notice that the economy was in the dumper?

Yeah, that’s it.

000

FLYING HIGH

“If you cannot annoy somebody with what you write, I think there’s little point in writing.”

Kingsley Amis

When I read this one, it kind of got my blood to boiling to a certain extent. It seems the top Air Force brass have been lobbying to spend $16.2 million in anti-terror funds to install luxurious “comfort capsules” on military planes as reported in the Washington Post this week.

The capsules are two sealed rooms that can fit in the fuselage of a military aircraft, they are furnished with leather seats, color coordinated carpeting, couches, and 37 inch flat panel televisions. They are intended for use by air force VIP’s and are “furnished to reflect the rank of the senior leaders” using the facilities. At least four generals have been closely involved in selecting the capsules’ accoutrements. How bad do you want it? How bad do you need it? And most importantly, how are you going to pay for it?

Using $16 million in anti-terror funds, of course. So the next logical question should be:

What terror?

Islamic terrorism, we’re often told, is the gravest threat facing America and the world today. Most everything Bush and the so-called terrorism experts have told us are a delusion. Osama Been Forgotten and his hearty band of raggedy followers are a small group of men, who we fear, because their shadows have been made larger by Washington and the media, and our own collective fears.

Every now and then, they do detonate a convention type of weapon, and a couple of hundred people die, but this can hardly be construed as a “worldwide threat.” It is absolute nonsense to base our entire foreign policy on a sporadic, sometimes occasional, regional threats.

This outfit is mostly broke, depleted to the point of having any ability to strike out at anyone, or to mount complex terrorist attacks on the United States. Let’s face it; if you need a stolen crop duster to pull off your plan, you are what we call in this part of the country, out of pocket.

This latest Air Force gambit loosely tied to terrorism or using terrorism for funding, is nothing but pork, plain and simple, we do not need this.

We’ve all heard stories about how much waste and inefficiency there is in our military spending, this is always portrayed as either “corruption” or simple inefficiency, and not what it really is — a profound expression of our national priorities, a means of taking money from ordinary, struggling people and redistributing it not downward but upward, to connected insiders, who turn your tax money into pure profit.

According to a recent report by the GAO, the Department of Defense has already “marked for disposal” hundreds of millions of dollars worth of spare parts — and not old spare parts, but new ones that are still on order! In fact, the GAO report claims that over half of the spare parts currently on order for the Air Force — some $235 million worth, are already marked for disposal.

Our government is buying hundreds of millions of dollars worth of Defense Department crap just to throw it away. The amounts are staggering, it is almost outright unbelievable, but unfortunately, it is true.

According to the report, we’re spending over $30 million a year, and employing over 1,400 people, just to warehouse all the defense equipment we don’t need. For instance — we already have thousands of unneeded aircraft blades, but 7,460 on the way, at a cost of $2 million, which will join those already earmarked for the waste pile.

This is why you need to pay careful attention when you hear about John McCain claiming that he’s going to “look at entitlement program” waste as a means of solving the budget crisis, or when you tune into the debate about the “death tax.” We are in the midst of a political movement to concentrate private wealth into fewer and fewer hands while at the same time placing more and more of the burden for public expenditures on working people.

As for these High Flying Air Force Generals, it is the same old story … “Out there riding or flying around in a Cadillac trying to do the work of a Chevy.”

And who do you suppose they want to pay for it?

000


Heatin Up …

One of the drawbacks to living in this part of the world, Oklahoma, it is hot. We have despicable weather, some of it severe, some of it nice (not much of that), heat that is at times almost unbearable, linked up with high digit humidity, on some days, a lethal mix.

Another thing that happens is it never seems to cool down at night, when it heats up in Oklahoma, it stays hot, long after the sun has disappeared.

You can go to other places and it heats up in the day, but it cools down at night and the temperatures are not all that severe due to the lack of humidity, but here, it is miserable in the summertime. I just finished reading this piece on scientists and global warming, doing my best to get a handle on some of this, try to understand the physic’s in play.

Scientists are those whacky guys that feed a bunch of numbers into massive super computers, statistic’s, random numbers, proables, and then throw in for good measure those things that could and could not happen — mix it all up, run around to the other end and patiently wait to see what comes out.

I call it the “What If Factor?” What if the temperature here goes up, what if the ocean current switches 2 degrees north, what if ……. Well, you get the idea.

Recently scientists fed a truckload of numbers to a super computer concerning the weather and some of it is pretty astonishing. Here is a small part of what they discovered. It is going to get hotter, a lot hotter. If you believe you are hot now, you haven’t seen anything yet. Our grandchildren will scoff at these present temperatures, a 100* day will actually be a cool down, a relief.

In the year 2100 it is predicted that 100* days will be in effect, cool off periods.

The computer simulation pointed out that cities like Atlanta, Los Angeles, and Kansas City are 105*, 112*, and 109* today. In the next few decades, these kind of temp’s will seem lovely and cool. In the 22nd century it is going to get hotter, and it is going to last longer. The same three cities will then be 110*, 117* and 116* and cities closer to the equator will fare even worse.

Delhi India, should see 120*, Baghdad, Iraq, will reach 122* for example, the computer test revealed all these things. Heat can be a killer, when the temperature shot up to 106* in Chicago (not long ago 1995) some 600 persons died. Especially at risk are the old and the elderly. So it appears our days are truly numbered and we best find some solutions to our problems and do it quickly.

Can T.B. Pickens be right, can he be trusted? Is anyone out there crunching the numbers he is projecting? We are not the Saudi Arabia of Natural Gas, the wind doesn’t blow every day (although in Oklahoma it often seems like it does) and the sunshine isn’t always going to be there when you are going to need it.

From what I gather about all this. Mr. Pickens assumes that as we give up one thing (gasoline and oil) it will free up something down the line (natural gas) and as wind power comes on line, (we give up coal and natural gas). In theory it sounds somewhat plausible, but American’s are not known for giving up things, they are known for consuming things.

Are people like him and Al Gore the forerunners and true prophets of our impending doom? Are we most certainly be required to cough up the estimated $3 trillion to complete these ideas. Bet on it. We seem to be hearing nothing but progressive talk from all these lofty Messianic Energy priests.

Then there is reality. Mr. Gore, he talks the talk, but it appears that he is not walking the walk.

Recently Al Gore showed up for a speaking engagement in two super sized Lincoln Town Cars and a full-growed S.U.V.. He lives in a 10,000 sq ft. home in Tennessee that has a carbon footprint that is five times the size of the Average American home. Mr. Pickens is buying up all the water rights in West Texas and he orders wind farm projects like we buy lite bulbs.

We have all these canaries in the mine, and for now, they are still singing. But for how long. It just doesn’t make good sense to mix “science and myth” together. I am going with the scientists and the super computer (predictions) which I believe is telling me, it is going to get hotter, it is going to get a LOT hotter.

Best find some shade.

000


Dig It Up!

The other day this big black Pete comes around me on the Interstate, and it is a flatbed loaded with sheets of copper.  (A “Pete” for all our oversea’s readers is an American Made Diesel Semi Truck Tractor, very popular, and the official name is Peterbilt, but most truckers call them “Pete’s” for short)  I suppose it came out of mine in Utah or Arizona and is headed back east.  Might be headed to the U.S. Mint for another load of pennies, that now cost almost two cents to make.  Go figure?

Which got me to thinking, “Man, that is a lot of coin on that trailer.  I sure would like a piece of that.”

As I have been experiencing some difficulty making my ends meet (very little discretionary income available) here lately, I have changed my thought patterns.  Like most American’s these days, I have more month than I have money, so I think quite often, on how to possibly acquire some more.

No longer worrying about frivolous endeavors, what would life be like if Goldilocks was named “Silverhair.”  Or what if it was Henry and Edward, instead of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde?  Can you imagine a bedtime story of Little Red Riding Hood if her first name was a good old Okie name like Blanchette.  The possibilities are endless, think about it, The Tin Woodsman in the Wizard of Oz … How about Nick Chopper.

These days, my major emphasis on idle thought, seems to be of money.

But this big black Pete got me to thinking about it.  Copper is now up around $4 a pound, which makes it a hot item among thieves.  Houses nationwide have been plundered for the copper plumbing, electricity sub stations hit for the wire, air conditioners, sprinklers, rain gutters and even lawn ornaments are disappearing fast.  Thieves evidently know what is valuable and what is not, with a 300% increase in the theft of copper alone, which is a pretty good indicator, right there.

This past weekend the Daily Oklahoman ran a story about how thefts in the city were up and as times get rough, people are going to naturally steal something.  Which isn’t all that true, times are not all that tough, they are just perceived to be tough, employment in Oklahoma right now is pretty good.  Expecting people to steal from you is just not a reasonable request in my opinion.  I do not steal, and I do not expect my neighbors to steal from me.  There is nothing natural about it at all.

So what do we do when resources run out?

The earth is not an inexhaustible storehouse of materials, when you stop to think about it.  Sooner or later, all of this, is going to become scarce, what then?  Which gave me this stark realization (my kid calls them brain farts).  Might be a good idea to consider investing in a dump.

There are a lot of dumps scattered across the country that are in fact, virtual storehouses of materials.  They are the older dumps, not the newer facilities where most of the recyclable materials have been removed.  I am talking about the old sites, where people dumped everything under the sun.  They are more than likely loaded with a proverbial gold mine of materials.

So if you take a moment to think about it.  It makes good sense to think along these lines.

American’s and their collective wasteful habits have been known for years as “a throw away society” with too much junk.  The Bush administration wants us to spend our money here in America and stimulate the economy, what better way than to buy your very own dump.  You cannot get any more American than that!

Of course, you may have to tear up some perfectly good city parks and an occasional golf course that is built over these facilities.  That might be a problem.  I cannot wait for Cup Cake to wake up, so I can tell her of my latest brainstorm concerning our economic stimulus check.

I’ll bet she will be surprised and smile that quirky smile I see so often.

000

Related: Too Much Stuff