Homeland Insecurity

Homeland (I want to put my hand in your bra) Security Workers at the Airport caught some kid trying to smuggle some fireworks out on a jet today bound for Fresno, California.  Heightened security now prevails and we are currently at level six which is blue or kind of off green color, I am not sure.  We sure do take this to extremes anymore don’t we? 

As we always strive to bring you the sublime and the ridiculous.  Get this.  Law Enforcement Agencies and unions are all up in a tizzy, because the new “badges” the screeners are now wearing just released by the government.  They claim it makes them look like they are “law enforcement officers” and not just security personnel. 

When was the last time someone ran you down with an electronic wand and wrote you a ticket? 

Speaking of tickets. (Nice blend eh?)  A few of my newly retired people frequently ask me, as a retired person, what I do to make my days interesting.  Well, for example, the other day I went downtown and into a shop.  I was only there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. I said to him, ‘Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break?’

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.  I called him a ‘doughnut eating Nazi.’  He glared at me and wrote another ticket for having worn tires.  So I called him a ‘flat-footed oinker.’

He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.  Then he wrote a third ticket.  This went on for about 20 minutes.  The more I abused him the more tickets he wrote.  Personally, I didn’t care.  I came downtown on the bus, and the car that he was putting the tickets on had a bumper sticker that said ‘Obama in ’08.’

 

I try to have a little fun each day now that I’m retired.  It’s important to my health.   

Now before you write me a ton of Emails, I didn’t really do that, a friend sent it to me yesterday and I found it humorous and wanted to include it in here today.  I am a law abiding, honest, truth telling, always pay my taxes, give to the American Red Cross, fine specimen of a human being.

O’Bammer did say that he was ready to bring the troops home, and I am all for that, I have been all for that for about, let’s see, about five years now.  It is not easy living in this big old world of hate and turmoil, especially if all your guardians are not in this country, but rather in someone else’s backyard, and there is no one here to protect you.  Some folks have become so downright comfortable with occupation forces; they are offering to sell their arms and listing them as “only been dropped one time” in the ads.

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.” Londoners have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out.

Terrorists have been re-categorized from Tiresome” to a “Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was during the great fire of 1666.  Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from “Run” to “Hide.”

The only two higher levels in France are “Surrender” and “Collaborate.” The rise in scaredy-cat levels was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France’s white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country’s military capability.

It’s not only the English and French that are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.” Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.”

The Germans also increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.” They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbor” and “Lose.” Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms.  So now, the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

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