Ask A Kid

The other day the doorbell rang, when I opened it, there stood three of the neighborhood kids.  Nicholas, Ray, and Savannah.  They looked up at me and said, “Can we come in and see the birds?” 


I have two parrots, one an African Grey named Popeye and a Blue and Gold McCaw that is named Mo.  So I looked down at them and said, “I dunno, maybe you better ask your parents first.” 


To which Ray, the apparent ring leader in the red shirt said, “We already did, and they said it was alright.” 


So I took him at his word and allowed them access to the house.


We are looking at the birds and everything seems to be alright, when the doorbell rings again.  So I go to the door.  This time I find two very apprehensive mothers looking for their kids.  It turns out that no one knew where anyone was, and of course, there was some tension in the air. 


So after the children were properly indoctrinated into the ways of the world, it also became my turn to understand as an adult, what my role in all this was too.


A couple of days later, the doorbell rings. 


Again, it is the two dinkers from next door, Nicholas & Ray-Ray, so I say, “What do you want?” and here it comes, “We want to see the birds.”   So I say, “Yeah?  Last time you wanted to see those birds, you two dinkers got me in a whole lotta hot water with your Mama.  You ask your Mama if you could come over here and see my birds?”


To which Ray-Ray the apparent ring leader in the red shirt, replies, “Yes.  We asked her and she said it was alright.”  So I say, “Yeah?  That is what you said “last time” and I got into a bunch of trouble. You aint story-tellin me are ya? 


So Ray looks at me and says …. No honest, we aint lyin’ this time Mr. Smith.”


From the mouth of babes … You want to know about the world?  Ask a kid, kids have all the answers.  I recently came across this and I will share it with you.  The ocean according to kids…


  • This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly, age 6) 
  • Oysters’ balls are called pearls.  (Jerry, age 6)
  • If you are surrounded by ocean you are an Island
  • If you don’t have ocean all round you, you are incontinent. (Wayne, age 7)
  • Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She’s not my friend any more.  (Kylie, age 6)
  • A dolphin breaths through an a**hole on the top of its head. (Billy, age 8)
  • My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and pots and comes back with crabs.  (Millie, age 6)
  • When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn’t blow the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans. (William, age 7)
  • Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant?  Like, really? (Helen, age 6)
  • I’m not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is always crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can’t think what to write. (Amy, age 6)
  • Some fish are dangerous.  Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock.
  • They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher, age 7)
  • When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin, age 6)
  • Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers can’t go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky, age 8)
  • On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won’t do it again because water fired right up her big fat a**. (Julie, age 7)
  • The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don’t drown I don’t know. (Bobby, age 6)
  • My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean. What he doesn’t know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom. (James, age 7)


I eventually showed them the birds, but I made them “cross their hearts and made them swear to hope to die” just to make sure.