Cashin In …

Dumb, really dumb.  The city of Brighton, Mich. Is threatening legal action against a local doctor over an unpaid tax bill of $0.51.  Dr. Phil Kaanji says he probable left the cents off a tax check he sent to the city, but says it’s absurd that he’s now being bombarded with registered mail warnings that say “FINAL NOTICE.” 

Each one that is sent, is costing the city $5.21 in order to notify him.  City finance directors said the city has no choice but to pursue any unpaid tax.  “No matter how small.” He said, “we can’t ignore it or waive it.”  Last time I heard something that was about this stupid was when a city sent a notice to a tree. 

When I paid off my credit cards a few years ago, I overpaid each and everyone by like .50 cents or something like that.  You would be surprised how many statements that they will send you (at .42 cents each) telling you of your overpayment and how it will be applied to your next statement.  I have to admit, I got a perverse charge out of that, for some 8-10 months afterwards.

Do you know how to tell if you are over your limit on the card?  When you are standing at Lowe’s and they swipe your card to pay for the items ….. If the lites in the building suddenly dim a little bit … You are over your limit.  Remember that.

An Oklahoma home builder has switched to smaller homes, after years of building 6,000 sq. ft. homes he has recently started building smaller 1800 sq ft homes.  As American’s continue to cut back on many things, housing is one of them.  Lowe’s and Home Depot posting big losses this year.  Motorhome sales in the U.S. are predicted to shrink some 305,000 units this year because of the higher cost of fuel.  A dealer in Denver that I know says that the market has “gone soft” a more appropriate description might be gushy or flat out vanished.

I am reminded of Ross Perot ….. “Listen for that gigantic sucking sound as the jobs go to Mexico.”  …. Whoosh!

If you have some spare space around your place, you might call one of the major airlines, I hear they are looking for tarmac parking space for a lot of airplanes as no one is traveling this year.  Spring is over and now we rush headlong into summer, some say the banking crisis is over, having been frozen solid for months, it is now going to magically thaw out. 

You remember the bank don’t cha?  This is the place that has ten windows and two tellers, that is the bank.  A modern day phenomenon that only a banker would be capable of understanding.

(Yeah I know, don’t get me started)

If you are in a meat market in Los Angeles and you poke the turkey to see how tender it is, you are breaking the law.  If you meet another guy on the beach and decide to get married, it is perfectly legal ….. go figure.  Been a wild and whacky month here in the Great Middle Class Nation

Shaped and molded into a modern day “Globalization Empire” that was honed with instruments such as outsourcing, off-shoring, firing at will.  The Republican and/or Democratic elegy for our vanishing American way of life.

The land of equality or a bankers Utopia, you make the call. 

End of the month, mark another “X” on the calendar, one more tired dead soldier put down to rest.  The government is giving me my money back this week, (borrowed from China I suppose) hey, I am on a roll.

I got it made in the shade.


Related:  Notice to a tree.

Gold and Guns

Coffee is good this morning, it brings with it, the new day. 

Another day in Paradise. 

Car lots, surprisingly are full.  Everyone is out and about, exercising their rights in a free economy and exhibiting all the signs of membership in the herd mentality. 

Stop by today!  Let one of our finance specialists show you how you can sit yourself in a brand new hoopie of your choice, the money you save on fuel, will make your carpayment ……. Yeah sure, if you are commuting to say …… Pakistan every day.

What a concept.  I will buy a new car and therefore, cope with rising costs associated with oil.  Wrong.  Hopelessly frustrated, we appear to be like those little furry animals over in Europe that rush headlong to the edge of the cliff I saw on the Disney Channel or some other show.  They all gather together in a large group, and then rush over into the abyss, ultimately to their imminent death. 

Our new shell shock reality in the Heart-land.  Lemmings, that is it, we are turning into a herd of lemmings. Which isn’t all that really bad for me in Land-Locked Oklahoma, we just don’t have a whole lot cliffs in my neighborhood.  I should be safe for at least a little while more.

So I take solace in the fact that oil or an oil based economy is in actuality a curse. Sitting back in my chair, sippin’ my coffee, I take pleasure in knowing what is coming for all these newly enriched oil potentates and billionaires. 

I close my eyes, and I can see all of them, towels wrapped around their well tanned heads, sitting underneath a sick camel.  In the background Big Oil Executives tied to the stakes baking in the hot desert sand …… Yeah, that is sweet, I can really get into that … but of course, I am a sick puppy every now and then. 

Oil producing nations, drunk on new wealth, with an influx of billions of dollars will quickly become dependent on it for survival (if not already).  Their economies will rise and fall with the tide of oil profits.  They will become like us in a sense, dependent on imports to sustain their new reality.  They too will develop deep rooted resentments as disparities in income overtake their societies.

And of course, with wealth, comes problems. 

These countries on the upswing will have to deal with the fair share of tyrants, murderers, terrorists in their ranks.  The Mullahs, Hugo Chavez’s, Vladimir Putins of the world will now become less accountable for their actions. Oil and the riches it will bring, will give all of them, the good, the bad and the ugly … their day in the sun.

In the end it will be … Gold and guns … the new currency of the 21st Century.


This Stinks … Pass It On.

 I heard it on the Internet … So it has to be true.  Here is another candidate for the Creative Endeavors Stinker of the Year award ……

From time to time, people send me stuff and it just amazes me how some folks can be so gullible or buy into a lot of this “Internet Information pass it on garbage.”  The last time I got something so foolish as this was a UFO Blather Email thing back in March.

Read this, this stinks.

Keep an Eye on your license plate. 
From a State Office: 

Pass it on to those you know. Thanks.  

A woman said her son found his license plate missing so he called  the police to file a report. They told him people were stealing the plates to get free gas. Given the rise in gas prices, people have taken to stealing license plates, putting them on their car, then getting gas and running. The gas station will have “your” license plate # and you could be in trouble  for  “pump and run.” Check your car periodically to be sure you still have a plate. If you should find it missing, file a  report immediately!!! Keep an eye on your license plate! Make sure you always know it’s there! When the license plate is reported as the  “drive off vehicle”, it’s YOU they contact! Be aware!!!! Be aware of your license plates, most of us never look to see if the plates are there or not.

Now I don’t know about the rest of you, but I have for about two years now, been required or forced “to pay up front first” for motor fuel or I simply did not get any.  I cannot for the life of me, at these prices, even imagine someone allowing you to pump first and pay later.  My last tank was well over $80 and I had gas in the sucker when I drove in there.

Pump and then pay is now long gone sports-fans … That like cheap gasoline … Is now a thing of the past … It just aint gonna happen. 

This is laughable at best.  KInd of pathetic.

Instead of “checking your car periodically to be sure you still have a plate.”  Perhaps it should be “check your brain to see if you still have one.”

Most American’s in this day and age generally speaking are aware of who is rippin’ off who at the gas pumps … Here is a little clue … They don’t require your stolen tag in order to do it.

Pass that on … to everyone you know … and I suppose, don’t know.

 Where do people get this —-

Give me a break.


Related:  More Pain At The Pumps

Bad Batteries

California Gay’s are lining up to get married.  There seems to be a big rush to the altar now that California pushed thru the new law.  Ellen DeGeneres and Portla De Rossi are going to tie the knot.  Star Trek’s George Takel will marry his partner, Brad Altman. 

40% of Americans say marriage between same-sex couples should be afforded full legal recognition, while 56% say it should not.  4% are unsure.  Just 16% said a political candidate “must share” their views on the issue in order to win their support.

I suppose the judge’s or new-age pastors at these same sex marriages will have problems.  “Which one of you is the male and which is the female?”  And the reply, “Uh, what do you mean?”  I mean, “Which one of you has the menstrual cycle and who doesn’t?”  

“Oh … It must be Bruce, he has a Suzuki.”

A U.S. Border Patrol agent assigned to southern Arizona admitted taking $45,000 in bribes to smuggle more than 3,000 lbs. of marijuana into the country in his government vehicle.  Agent Juan Luis Sanchez of Rio Rico pleaded guilty to several charges and resigned after entering a plea.  He will get 10-15 years in the slammer for his loyalty to the rest of us.  Seems fitting, going to jail with a the best of the best and being a cop on top of that, this is not going to be easy time.

The Vatican says that “reaching into space and other planets” doesn’t mean that there is a lack of understanding concerning God or faith in God.  Upon hearing this, President Bush immediately called NASA in Houston, Texas and told them to program the music “If I Had A Hammer” to the new Mar’s probe. 

There should be a bumper sticker on it somewhere that states, “We Have Screwed Up Our Planet … Now We Are Here For Yours.”

I couldn’t be more under whelmed in my life. Nothing has ever disappointed me more than our multi-billion dollar quest for pictures of rocks. Why are we going to Mars to see cracks in ground? I could have driven to Western Oklahoma and got you these photos for a little over a hundred dollars.

And just for the record our rocks are as red as anyone’s in space, we are known for our red rocks. 

In the end, we will spend hundred’s of millions of dollars (perhaps even billions) on this space exploration thing.  And the government will announce that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage and nothing more.  I don’t think we’re gonna find anything useful between here and Pluto. We kinda know what’s out there.

This one’s full of hot gas. You’ll burst into flame if you land here. This one’s full of red dusty rocks and maybe there’s a face on it. Nothing to do here.  Two to beam up Scotty …. Energize.

Speaking of Energizing?  If you are buying batteries, you could be getting ripped off in a pretty big way.  A reader recently sent me this link on batteries and I thought I would pass it on.  So if your charge isn’t what it used to be (and really, who’s is?) then you might want to check into it. 

From a personal standpoint, it has been so long since I had a decent charge in life, I have forgotten where it is you hook up the jumper cables.  But that is another story altogether.

Now if this doesn’t make you smile, nothing will.  Bad week for shootouts.  After a restaurant owner and a security guard got into an argument in a Boulder Colorado parking lot this week.  They actually shot each other with Taser Guns!  Leaving them both agonized on the ground.  Talk about a bonehead deal, this has to qualify.

I sit back, form a mental picture of that in my mind, and dog-gone it, it just makes me smile.


Pretty Women

Chinese food for lunch today, I am looking forward to it.  Asian women seem to catch my eye, I am into them.  When you eat Chinese food, one of the benefits of this, is of course, a high concentration of Asian women.  You know Chinese wait staff girls are certainly attractive, I noticed that recently.

Asian women are beautiful. Asian guys, well, they are relegated to “tech support.”

Over at the Super-Center the other day and saw this girl, all decked out to the nines, clearly a professional woman.  She was looking so good, and she had two small boys with her, dressed in Soccer Attire.  I thought to myself, “here is a girl who has put in a long day at work, now she is shopping’ for the family, taking it home, cooking it up and taking care of the brood.”

My hat is off to her.  Women work too hard, for too little in this day and age, and they surely have their hands full.  They clearly deserve more credit for what they do in the home …

We went to the Mall yesterday and I started it again.  The younger generation, whatever they are calling them this week, they tend to really bug me.  “I just want to grab ‘em, every one of ‘em, and say ….. Listen, the bill of the cap goes on the front of your face, tie your damn shoes, and pull up them baggy pants, yo’ underwear is showing!’ But Cup Cake reined me in and told me to cool it.

T-Shirt at the Mall:  “I graduated, where is my car?” Yup, that sounds like the American Way to me.

Paper says that I am going to get my economic stimulus check in the first week of June.  Gee whiz, isn’t’ that just peachy cool.  Things must be getting tight, I notice that my neighbor across the street is taking his own lunch to the Indian Casino’s now, must be rough.

Aren’t Y’all (Okie Talk) proud of me, I made it all the way to the bottom of the page, and haven’t mentioned gasoline one time.  It is part of my new attitude adjustment thing I am working on.  I find that nothing can destroy my mood quicker than a trip to the 7-11 for a fill up on one of our trucks.  I can be in a great mood, up and until I pull up to the pump and I look at the price of the fuel.

This is when I discovered a kinky little quirk in my personality.  If you’re normal, you periodically feel little surges of anger that you don’t express.  Which can of course be risky in today’s PC society.

Suppressing your feelings over a period of time, can be dangerous not only to yourself but to bystanders, other people in the area at the time.  I believe the teen-agers call it going “postal.”  So I have found something that seems to work for me.

Before heading down to the root n scoot for fuel.  I go into the garage, close the door and then I throw about a five-minute snot-nosed fit-ritual about twice a week.  My new self induced therapy procedure with no witnesses except the cat, and even he is not sticking around for any of it here lately, I notice he is avoiding me like I have rabies.

For four minutes, you fume, seethe, curse and yell.  You huff, puff, the vein on your neck sticks out!

For the final sixty seconds, you compel yourself to laugh, as hard as you can, uncontrollably if this is possible.  This free’s up all them End-o-morphine things that reside in your body next to your fat cells and hormones.  Immediately afterwards, you load up in the car/truck, rush down and pay for your motor fuel, this is when you enter into the hysterical crying phaseof the process.

We will cover that tomorrow along with locking gas caps, and proper air pressure.

I am now going to devote the rest of this day to some kind of timewaster or cheap thrill.  Such as giving my bologna a middle name, or some other important issue.  I am not, under any circumstances going to mow, sack, cut, trim, sweep, take to the curb or re-arrange anything other than the head pillows on my easy boy recliner.

It’s a tough job … but someone has to do it.


Related:  Refining The Problem

The Friendly Skies

Man you just got to love the state of California.  What a wondrous, amazing place.  It is no small wonder that Michael Jackson chose California for his “Never-Never-Land Ranch.”  It is like a Granola bar, what aint fruits is nuts.  They just passed a resolution in that state that a “dog can no longer be a co-pilot in an automobile.” 

Please take a moment now, to sit back and think about this, and just try and imagine how the average tax-payer in California feels about his/her highly paid elected representative when he finds out about this.  Not much would be my first guess.  Not allowing dogs to be co-pilots?  How absurd is that? 

Oh well, back to MY reality, Oklahoma. 

Not long ago, police found a body, wrapped and bound in chains, hanging from a tree.  They said that “they suspected foul play.”  Do you think so?  These people are out there, and they walk amongst us (some are even procreating, if that don’t give you a shiver up your spine, nothing will).

One other thing, if an Oklahoma Highway Trooper stops you on the Turner Turnpike and asks you, “Do you know why I stopped you?”  Don’t under any circumstances reply with:  “Uh, I dunno.  Don’t have any coffee or do-nuts.”  That will cost you $130 … Speed cop Smokey-Bear public safety enforcement officers in Oklahoma apparently don’t seem to have a sense of humor at least not on the turnpike between Tulsa and Stroud.

Moving swiftly along. 

My daddy used to say, “Don’t take no knife to a gunfight.”  Naw, I believe the exact quote was “You are so stupid, YOU would take a knife to a gunfight.”  I always considered this one of those archaic statements that fathers were prone to say.  Much like when your mother said to you, “Because I am your mother, that’s why!”  Stuff like that. 

For years (or at least until I was twelve or thirteen) I always thought it was kind of corny but this week I read about a guy in Montana that did this very thing.  He and another guy were “goofing around” when this bozo took out a knife and said he was going to “shave his buddy.” 

Evidently his buddy had some kind of terrible fear of being shaved by drunken known acquaintances or something.  He pulled out a gun and shot the guy with the knife, effectively ending his rather short barbering career on the spot!

The guy died and now the friend is on trial for negligent homicide.

Viagra, lost fortunes and cheap gas continue to be the top spam attractors in the nation.  The latest promises to save you .70 cents per gallon!  Of course the “details” on this amazing item, were a tad bit sketchy, so you had to click on the link. 

Here is something else:  If Bill Gates has all the money in the known free world, how come there isn’t a short-cut key for the “cents” symbol.  Just thinking outside the box.  I guess it all evens out in the end.  Cheap gas, pirated copies of Windows, and lost Nigerian fortunes on the list of things people want, and I don’t have any cents.

Every other car in Oklahoma City has some dummy talking on a cell phone these days.  First we had D.U.I (Driving Under the Influence), then D.W.I (Driving While Intoxicated), and now D.W.Y. (Driving While Yakking). 

A pilot on a flight from Dallas to Austin recently asked a passenger repeatedly to stop talking on his cellphone.  No soap.  When the aircraft landed in Austin, the local authorities were waiting for the offending tele-communicator and he was arrested for disorderly conduct.

Surprise, surprise.

Talk about a crappy flight?  A passenger on a Dallas to New York flight was asked by the pilot to sit on the seat of a toilet in the aircraft bathroom for three hours.  He has filed a $2 million lawsuit against the airline.  The pilot asked the man to sit there after a flight attendant complained of an uncomfortable jump-seat.  Now here is the rub, “the guy is flying for free on a pass that someone gave him, he is not paying one thin dime for the trip.” 

Now he is suing for two-million and some change?

An Okie on an airliner that is going down and crashing, doesn’t know if he is going to heaven or hell.  All he knows for sure is …. He is going thru Dallas.  A couple of lessons in this: 

(1)  It no longer pays to fly the Friendly Skies I guess.  (2)  Rent a car in Dallas and DON’T fly to Austin.

See you in the funny papers ……….



Pass Me The Gravy

Ran into a guy the other day, I had not seen this guy in about 12-15 years.  One of those miserable, insufferable types that you don’t want to run into, a person you want to avoid, but somehow just cannot avoid.  He looks at me and says, “Good Lord, you are as big as a barn!”  I just smiled and said, “I am overweight, I can diet.  You on the other hand, are stupid, what you gonna do.”  I don’t need the offspring of second cousins from Alabama, telling me I am outta shape; I see it in the mirror each and every cotton-pickin’ day.

There have been times that the wife and I, have amused ourselves about this metabolically challenged period of life we are living in.  I would say, “I used to eat like a horse … Now I look like one.” … Or … “I know why I am overweight, my body and my fat, have become friends.” … Or …  What did the doctor say? and I would reply, “He said I was my perfect weight if I was seven feet tall.” 

Stuff like that.

There was a time when I actually thought about doing something about it, but when your favorite health club is the International House Of Pancakes, it is kind of hopeless.  I am a realist, I don’t going around saying “I am trying hard to get back to my original weight.”  It isn’t going to happen, I asked my mother and she said “it was around 8 lbs 3 ounces as best as I can remember.” 

They even have a song in the Baptist Hymnal about it:  “When them rolls are passed out up yonder, I will be there.” or something like that, I forget.

So we all keep shoving the groceries down our neck and talk about it.  I don’t know why everybody talks about losing weight.  This an ill-conceived phrase.  Fat people never lose weight.  They always KNOW right where it is.  And they always say, “I am dropping a few pounds.”  Yeah?  I see where you dropped them to; they’re right there just above your knees! 

In my case I knew I was out of control when Cup Cake said, “Lookie here, I can pinch an inch.” And she was pinching my forehead!

My problems began when I quit smoking; food started tasting a lot better.  It also was my apparent downfall, I gained a lot of weight, over 30 lbs. to be specific and I am carrying it with me every day.  So I made an attempt at changing: 

  • I quit cheating at cards.
  • I quit cussing.
  • I quit drinking.
  • I quit smoking.
  • Trifling with other peoples’ women.

Man, that was the worst twenty minutes of my life. 

(Seriously, uh huh sure.)  So I kind of figured that there ought to be something left in life for me.  Food.  But it turns out that even that is not exactly right.  Did you know that by the time you turn twenty years of age your body has essentially settled on the number of fat cells you are going to have for the rest of your life?

Yes, it is true. 

A recent study in Sweden has confirmed this.  Researchers took samples of fat cells from volunteers over the course of several years; they discovered that no matter how much the subjects’ weights changed, their number of fat cells remained the same.  So your fat cells grow and shrink in your body, but they remain the same.  You are actually “friends with your fat.” 

Isn’t that repulsive.

All the carrot sticks and rice cakes in the world are not going to change a thing.  All those fat cells in your body are going nowhere; they just shrink in size and nothing more. During your life you will eat sixty thousand pounds of food, the weight of about six elephants.  The average American chews 190 sticks of gum, drinks about 600 sodas and 800 gallons of water, eats 135 pounds of sugar and 19 pounds of cereal a year.  The largest consumer of sugar and corn syrup in the world is no other than Coca Cola.  The biggest selling restaurant item in the U.S. is French Fries.  They estimate that in this country every day, we consume about 200 million M&M’s.

The amount of potato chips Americans eat each year weighs six times more than the Titanic.  A can of SPAM is opened in this country about every four seconds.  Americans on average eat eighteen acres of pizza every day and Saturday night is the biggest day of the week for that staple.  Dunkin’ Donuts serves about 112,500 donuts per day, more popcorn is sold in Dallas than anywhere else in the United States.

Two million different combinations of sandwiches can be created from a Subway Menu. 

We as a society of people eat a lot of garbage that is why the majority of us, are scratching parts of our bodies we have not seen in five years.  This is why when you step onto the computerized talking scale your thoughtful wife gave you on Father’s Day last year it says …….. “Please come back when you are alone.”

Now if you will excuse me, I am gonna go get me a Twinkie, me and “my friends” are hungry.

It’s not easy being a Baby Boomer.