DWABI

Ohhhhh I just love it! Dennis Hopper talking to me about retirement on my TV! Retro-Sheik Man, really out there. I needed that, no, I really needed that.

John, my good friend in Arizona called tonight. He is upset because the gas he bought for his barbequer cost more than the steak he planned to charcoal it with. (That was another thing that he was upset about, the price of charcoal) I try to tell John that he lives in a DESERT and everything that he consumes, has to be trucked in, brought to him. That 100 years from now it is still going to be a stinkin’ desert and it is more than likely going to cost 4 times as much.

But John is a worrier, and he is not happy unless he is worrying about something.

This has not been a good week for worriers. A whole lot of stuff going down. Kind of nice, being relaxed, I no longer find it necessary to worry about such matters as nuclear holocaust in the middle east, pesticide poisoning, or other dire catastrophes that I have no control over what-so-ever. Whether or not everyone keeps stacking National Geographic Magazines in their garages, the planet is going to sink in the next 25 years. If the number of microscope specimen slides submitted to Integris Hospital keeps up at its current rate, it will be buried in glass by 2010.

If Britney left the house without her underwear.

There has been a slight improvement here lately, I don’t worry as much as I used to, and that is good. I no longer worry about Islam, Muslim’s, communism, airline ticket prices, auto insurance, crime waves and the Brick Town Canal. Al Gore and quite a few others I suppose will have to learn how to hold their breath or tread water, but I am not going to worry about it.

What comes … Comes. Sorry.

For the most part have become the exact opposite. I have learned how to NOT worry. Lately I have come a long way, a few steps down a well worn beaten path. I don’t sit around and wonder about things that are totally out of my control. Having learned that “peace, and patience” are possible in my life, I call on them as my friends now and not foes.

Two things seem to be always with me in life, I call them constants for lack of a better description.

(#1) I was born to grumble and if given enough lee-way I can more than likely find something to grumble about. It is a choice. I am designed for the part, sagging face, weighty under-lip, rumbling, and resonant sort of voice. Money could not buy a better equipped grumbling outfit.

(#2) The Devil, select members of the Democratic Party or any Registered Republican will often avail themselves of my inherent nasty nature. Even tho’ they have no right to put my discordant state of mind into the lives of others I come in contact with and rob them of their sunshine and brightness.

They often do, and I allow it.

They do not have the right to use me in this fashion, just as I have no right to come into a strangers house and rob them and steal their silverware. Like I said, “it is a choice. What you make of it, is YOUR business.” I guess I am somewhat disgruntled. Used that word in an item earlier on in the week, said that I was a bit disgruntled.

Always liked that word, “disgruntled” my boss used it quite a lot when describing people who influenced his limited circle of impotence (spelled that way intentionally, I know the difference). Come to think of it, he was constantly “surrounded by disgruntled people” as I remember it.

Disgruntled. It has that medi-mucile sound to it, like I cannot answer the telephone right now, I am a bit disgruntled. Ate too much cheese at Domino’s last night and I may be a bit disgruntled. Hah! This is more fun than a coffee enema (which is mainly adjusting my total word count for the day and offending the few of you who have a modicum of good taste, this could possibly make YOU disgruntled).

When I am disgruntled, I am a sick, twisted, perverted individual; (I really love that in a person, don’t you?)

Today I am going to trashcan that word (disgruntled), run it through my shredder and throw it away. I am going to replace it with one of these instead: Joy, peace, patience, vision and/or hope. One thing is for sure, regardless of which word I choose, I am not going to worry about it.

Yeah, we will make up a totally new word just for this …. Dwabi: (Pronounced “Do-Whah-Bie”)… From the Latin word, baloney … Meaning: Don’t Worry About it.

Someone ought to start collecting all of these whacky words and make a book of it. It would make for a good Bathroom Reader. We should do this more often.

Oh well, I am outta here … Time for my shot.
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Aroma Therapy

Cover me honey, I am gonna change lanes! I am reading where this guy actually shot himself in the stomach, while waving his gun in anger at another motorist in Phoenix, Az. Now that is some heavy, full time, road rage.

Even more amazing, after shooting himself in the stomach, he wrecks his automobile, and tries to flee on foot. Makes you wonder, where do you go in Phoenix, with an unauthorized gunshot wound to the stomach? All of a sudden Tucson is looking real good to me.

The price of gasoline has risen .12 cents since Monday of this week. A government spokesman confirmed this today, he said it was because “Bob, didn’t show up for work on Monday and Tuesday, and had called in sick.” Meanwhile, injured parties in the Exxon-Valdez lawsuit of 19 years ago are still waiting for their settlement.

Hillary won in Pennsylvania and has given her renewed strength in her campaign for the presidency. I just can hear it now ….. “Because I AM YOUR PRESIDENT … THAT’S WHY.” Think about it, it’ll come to ya.

Corporations, unions, and other interest groups spent a record $2.79 billion on lobbying in 2007, the Center for Responsive Politics reported recently. This new total now eclipses the previous record set in 2006, by some $200 million. So the price of good government is on the rise. The biggest spenders were health-care interests, Wall Street firms, the real estate industry, and insurers. “Heath Care Interests” that seems like an oxymoron to me.

HMO = Hand Over Your Money Or Die. Is more appropriate if you ask me.

Many rich and poor American’s have something in common. They consider themselves members of the middle class. 53% of Americans describe themselves as middle class, including 40% of those with incomes below $20,000 and a third of those with incomes above $150,000.

“Being middle class is not only a state of income and assets; it is a state of mind.”

In an effort to reduce stress levels and improve the self esteem of public housing tenants, the Department of Urban Development spent $860,000 on a “Creative Wellness” program in 2001. What did they spend it on? The government was paying to enhance the tenants’ lifestyles through “aromatherapy, color therapy, and gemstone support (tapping into the healing powers of precious stones).” Aromatherapy? Don’t even get me started on that one.

Now this is interesting, I got a post from someone who said “that love doesn’t have to worry about the miles, and skin colour and all that doesn’t matter. That she had read my profile and found me so interesting she wanted my email to send me a picture and then we could as she put it, let love take its course.” And I thought this was going to be a slow week. The next day on my world map, there it was, one little bitty red dot where Nigeria seems to be. I am not stupid.

You cannot snag me with sex, I am into food now. Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I find that I cannot get into my own pants. That would be a pretty good indicator of my present predicament. Marriage changes passion. You remember passion don’t you? Come on think hard, squeeze that head of yours, remember? Best throw some big logs on the fire, if you want to fire up my passion.

Not long ago, at the mall, I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it. I said “Implants?” and she slapped me. What do I need with sex, I am an old fat man, 60 years old, and most of the time broke and beat up. I am just fortunate to muster up enough energy and courage to get out of bed each morning and that is about it. I no longer feel “excited from the top of my head to the middle of my knees.” My self esteem issues aside, I didn’t need this in my life right now, not at all.

Please don’t get me wrong.

Self esteem issues are important, I know this. Just the other day the wife and I were discussing it. We are going to take our stimulus income tax refund and buy some motivational tapes. I will listen to them over and over, sitting in my office in my underwear (I don’t have to dress for success) and eventually my mindset will change.

All of this will not bother me. I will be able to reaffirm my passion for life, walk around in my fruit of the looms, mumbling to no one in particular, “I have never felt better in my life. I have never felt better in my life. These are the best tapes in the world. You must buy the whole set. You must buy the whole set” …

You will know me when you see me. I will be the guy standing in the Greeting Card aisle at Wal*Mart with the deer in the headlight look, fresh gunshot wound to the stomach and when you walk by I will smile and say ….. My mind is totally empty right now.

$860K to improve self esteem issues … Yeah, that would work for me.

Where do I go to sign up?

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