Rainy Day Thursday

Here is something you might find interesting: http://www.slate.com/id/2188409/?GT1=38001, things coming out of China are not going to be cheap anymore. They are now raising the prices across the board, on just about every consumer good known to shoppers. With the fall of the American Dollar, we are becoming the Garage Sale of the Planet, lot of Europeans coming over here to vacation and some business’s even taking Euros now.

A friend of mine in Arizona is somewhat discouraged because he said he could not find a cheap truck this week. He lamented to me, that every truck he looked at on the dealers’ lot had a $600 a month payment associated with the sticker. Man, that is hard to believe isn’t it.

We have been shopping around for a new truck, we are trying to buy a Pre-Owned-Used U.P.S. truck if we can find one. They are lousy on fuel, but I figure you can just about “double park it anywhere in the world” and get away with it. That has to be worth something these days.

It’s about time!

Democrats plan to push legislation this spring that would force the Iraqi government to spend its own surplus in oil revenues to rebuild the country, thus sparing U.S. Dollars. Senator Carl Levin points out that the Iraqi government has accumulated a $30 billion surplus, while we spend $10 billion a month in “borrowed money” to secure their country. Time to pay the piper.

This week, the candidates announced that they are going to “tackle the housing crisis” in America. Good luck, people are moving out of Denver now in droves (USA Today) and things are slowly eroding even more across the nation. Last weekend the wife and I went out and looked at some new houses, we have been considering moving out of the city, too crowded here. We found a really nice house that we thought we could afford; only problem seems to be, getting the dog to move out of it.

Senator Hillary Clinton announced this week that “she was instrumental in bringing peace to Northern Ireland.” Must have missed that one, I will try to pay more attention … We were under fire … Attacked from all sides … Diving for cover! … And then someone closed the door on the campaign bus and it was quickly over.

Fair Warning: “If you receive a telephone call on your cell phone with a “+” before the number, don’t answer it.”

Some ingenious fool has devised a scheme where if you answer up and take the call, you are charged $90 per minute for the call. Big surge of this type of abuse here in Oklahoma, I got one just yesterday. The first one came out of Loudon, Connecticut and the second was somewhere in Minnesota. Be advised.

If you lose a credit card, you are protected by the Consumer Protection Act of 1968, and only liable for the first $50. But if you lose a cell phone, you are 100% responsible for ALL of it, someone needs to change that.

The Graduate with Dustin Hoffman, Ann Bancroft, one of my favorite movies of all time is on cable tonight. Plan on tuning in and making a leisurely stroll back in time. A time when life seemed much better, simpler, and free. But we all know that is just wishful thinking don’t we.

Check your local listings.

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Family Tree

Not long ago, being curious I ventured over to that Ancestory.Com to look up my family tree. I discovered that my ancestors did swing from trees, no they were not monkeys or anything like that, horse thieves in Kentucky around the turn of the century. The internet is an interesting place, especially if you are a person with no recognizable life. Believe it or not, folks are keeping tabs on you, you are being scrutinized.

With the population of the world increasing some 70 million persons per year, is it possible to run out of screen names? Just thinking outside the box. Frequently I have this nightmare, and it is that I have died, I am standing at the Gates of Heaven and the Angel looks at me and says …… “User Name and Password.” Man, screwed again!

Why is it that the people that live in the warmest climates, have the most poverty and less of life. You would think that if you lived somewhere where you are not required to deal with extreme heat and cold, tornados and the like, that life would be much better. But it surely doesn’t apply in warm climate countries, say Africa, for example.

People are funny animals, this week in New York officials closed down betting on the number 871 on the lottery. 871 is the room number in the Washington DC Mayflower Hotel wherein former Governor Eliot Spitzer met with his paid-for girlfriend. They shut down the number because too many people were playing it. Which is I suppose, another good reason to NOT play the lottery. What happened to the old adage, “You buy your ticket and you take your chances?”

A bad week for “Smart Bombs.” An Air National Guard pilot who was supposed to drop a dummy bomb in a practice field in Kansas accidentally dropped it onto an apartment complex in Tulsa this week, which damaged the building and knocked out everyone’s power. How would you like a trip to Colonel Potter’s Office to try and explain that one?

Barrack ol’ what’s-his-name announced this week, “My supporters believe in a message of hope.”

Which is somewhat true …. I hope this all ends …. Soon, because I am personally sick of it. Isn’t it strange, when according to polls the #1 concern of American’s is the economy, but yet, none of the candidates will actually address that issue? I don’t hear a lot of rhetoric about “reducing the spending” do you? We spent over $1.8 trillion MORE than we took in … How would you like to pick up the overdraft fee’s on that (which you will, in the future, trust me).

Most of the foreign Jihadists who are blowing themselves up in suicide attacks in Iraq are turning out to be single men, late teens or early 20’s, who come from large low-income families. From which they are struggling to be noticed and apparently willing to die for the attention.

Remember the good old days, when the kid put all the clothes on a stick, made a peanut butter sandwich and announced to no one in particular …… “I am going to live the life of a Hobo.” Then he walked down to the corner, sit there about five minutes, came back home and said …. “Well, I see you still have the same cat.” As if he had been gone for decades.

Here is something else, and then I am out of here, time for my medication. This week I read an article that was rather informative. It said …. If you spank your kids, regularly, they will grow up into adults who are aroused by sadomasochistic sex according to the experts.

At first I was somewhat concerned, but then it occurred to me, that there is always a rainbow. You really don’t have to worry, you will eventually grow out of it.

I mean, “it’s been so long for me and the Miss’es, I have literally forgot who it is that gets tied up.”

Have a good week.

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Shock N Awe

Men are stupid. Having no remorse, I will say it again. Men are stupid. My first inclination was about the ripe old age of maybe ten years old, when I convinced a couple of my buddies that I could fly like Superman. I had seen it over and over on television, and being young and impressionable, I was sure it would work for me. I put a fresh towel around my neck, climbed up on top of my fathers’ house, stood on the roof and launched myself. I liked to broke both my ankles. (I did however, in my defense, fly. Rather briefly, but still, I did fly.) D-U-M-B.

The next one was an overnight sleep over in the backyard. Someone got the brilliant idea; we needed some savage rock n roll to listen to, so I go into the garage, get Dad’s Old Packard Bell Tube Type radio and an extension chord. Walk across the backyard, barefooted in the heavy dew laden grass, plugged it in ….. D-U-M-B.

Me and another guy, Jim Crossett, stumbled on a railroad tunnel in Niles Canyon, about ¾ of a mile long, maybe more. Decided to walk thru it. D-U-M-B. The California Zephyr also came thru that tunnel twice a day.

The next time was later on, teenager I guess. I had this motorcycle I was working on, and it would not start. No matter how hard I tried, it would not fire up. So I got this brilliant idea, stick your finger in the empty plug socket, hit the starter, see if you have fire to the plug. D-U-M-B I had fire. Man I had lot’s of fire.

Now you would naturally figure that with age, things would improve, wouldn’t ya? Nope. One day, trying to figure out if a nine volt battery for the smoke detector was good or bad, I could not make up my mind. So evidently just suffering a massive brain fart or some other strange phenomenon of nature, I took the battery and stuck it to my own tongue! D-U-M-B. (I mean REALLY dumb)

Now this week, I receive in my email, The Mother of Dumb, the proverbial Shock & Awe of Stupidity. Mankind in all his splintered fractured glory!

A friend of mine sent me this. This is one of those stories where you begin to chuckle… then find yourself laughing out loud. (Not to mention the tears that eventually come freely flowing with the side splitting laughter) It concerns a Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife, and some knuckle-head that bought it for her. Some of you are already seeing where this is headed, for those who are not, read on.

Last weekend I saw something at Larry’s Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety…. ‘WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I then loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I’d get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn’t be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I’m looking at this little device measuring about 5″ long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, “no possible way!”

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I’ll do my best … I’m sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, “don’t do it master,” reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn’t hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button … and .. HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!

I’m pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me and the cat up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and a strange tingling sensation in my legs and lower extremities.

The cat was standing over me making strange meowing sounds that I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, “Do it again, stupid, do it again!”

SON-OF-A- … That hurt like *##@#!*%!!! A minute or so later (I can’t be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get up there? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I’m still looking for my testicles! I’m offering a significant reward for their safe return! (P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!)

Note: If you ever feel compelled to “mug” yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three-second burst would be considered conservative.

It is often not easy being a man … “If you think Education is difficult … try being stupid … or just flat out D-U-M-B”

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