Remember When

A century ago, human life expectancy was 47 years of age. The speed limit on most roads was about 10 MPH. I don’t know what the price of fuel was back then, maybe a nickel, that sounds right. The average wage was about .22 cents per hour.

One out of every six homes had a bathtub, and only one out of every ten, had a telephone. Say … Did you know that the bathtub was invented some 74 years before the telephone. Think about it, you could have laid in there and soaked for three-quarters of a century and no one would have called. Bet that would wrinkle your toes, eh?

Women washed their hair with egg yolks, Coca-Cola actually had cocaine in it. Johnny Carson was just starting out as the host of the Tonight Show. When you talk about old dirt roads, if you start every sentence with: “I remember when Coke’s were a nickel, seven cents (if you kept the bottle) and dogs could not vote.”

You are aging yo’self … Be careful. Many people who are familiar with the workings of the human mind, know how to manipulate us.

I will continue … The Do-Nut Shop isn’t open at this hour, and I feel this compelling urge to free you from your suffering, and awaken you to the transformational power that comes from expressing the old days in nostalgic terms.

Often the truth needs to be packed in great illusion. Just remember the simple rules of life, and you shall be okay, it works for me. Never play cards with a man named “Doc.” Never eat at a place named “Mom’s.” Never, ever, sleep with a woman whose troubles are worse than yours. And lastly, “Never, ever, start a sentence with the words, I remember when the earth was warm.”

(Dead Give Away)

Check please!

***

Raise ‘Em Right

Here is the quote of the day. “If you raise your children right, they make great friends later on in life.” Judge Judy, well known television judge and personality.

Yeah sure? Maybe in the next life. A recent study found that high school students who savage heir peers by spreading rumors and excluding them from cliques are viewed by other kids as popular and well liked. Judge Judy needs to get out of the office and pay attention. What was it Erma Bombeck used to say? Oh yeah, “Wake up and smell the coffee.”

Two girls in Florida arrested in January who admitted that they swiped money off the table of a Girl Scout selling cookies. Later when asked about it they had no remorse whatsoever. One of them on camera said, “We went through all that effort to get the money. We got all these charges against us, and we had to give the money back. I am kind of pi***ed about it.” (Can you imagine such a thing? How dare society demand that they give back the ill-gotten spoils, the absolute nerve of modern day civilized living …… What a concept!)

Her accomplice had this to say, “I am not sorry. I am just pi**ed that I got caught.” Kind of sounds like, (other than their mutually shared bladder problem) these girls think about the same.” Their mother also said that the next day, after being released from detention facilities, the girls returned to the store and taunted the Girl Scout.

Oh well, I need to move on.

As for “television judges in general,” that is what a mute button is for. The village has called … They want their idiot(s) back. Talk about “getting pi**ed off.” (Nice blend eh?) “Some men learn from reading … Some men learn from observing and then there are the men who have to first pee on the electric fence.” Will Rogers. Tell me we don’t have it all in Oklahoma.

I got an email just yesterday that kind of sums it up. Subject: Daddy ate my fingers. This may make you smile, it may make you sick, it might be just the ticket for improving your outlook on life. This is for everyone who: (1.) Has kids. (2.) Had kids. (3.) Was a kid. (4.) Knows a kid. (5.) Is going to have a kid. Which would just about include all of us at one time or another.

I was packing for my business trip and my three year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said, “Daddy, look at this, and stuck out two of her fingers.” Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, “Daddy’s gonna eat your fingers, ‘pretending to eat them.”

I went back to my packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her little face. I said, “What’s wrong, honey?” She replied, “What happened to my booger?”

Y’sir, no doubt abut it. Raise them youngin’s right and they will be your friends, except if your friends did to you what your kids do to you, I suspect they would not be your friends for very long. Like my momma used to say, “It will always work out for the best.” And I would say, “Mama, who is best?” and she would smile and reply ….”Gotta go now!”

Judge Judy … Oh puhleeeze, I am firmly entrenched with good Ol’ Oprah and Dr. Phil … How’s that working for ya? It is my ruling on this case that insanity is hereditary … You can catch it from your kids.

***