“If the world should blow itself up, the last audible voice would be that of an expert saying it can’t be done.”
The Pope is coming to Dallas, all the available seats have been sold out week’s in advance, and they are short some 104,000 (that they have reservations for). It turns out he is more popular than expected. The Vatican City just added seven modern vices to its list of original mortal sins.
In addition to the old standbys of pride, envy, gluttony, greed, lust, wrath and sloth, believers now should eschew “violations of basic human nature.” The new sins that fit under that rubric are polluting, generic engineering, being obscenely wealthy, taking drugs, abortion, pedophilia, and causing social injustice. While the old sins are self-orientated, the new ones concentrate on actions that affect others.
It turns out that his pope-ness is more popular than Elvis these days.
While we are on the subject of “Elvis” (huh?) Why is it every nursing home in the United States believes that our elderly want to see Elvis Impersonators? For some reason, the people that run nursing homes frequently book faux Elvise’s to entertain their patients, assuming that since the King was a big hit a half-century ago, he’s beloved by the elderly.
That kind of math is all wrong.
My mother would not appreciate Elvis at all. My parents viewed the arrival of Elvis as an attack, an evil assault on the youth of this country. They used to refer to him as “Elvis the Pelvis” for cryin’ out loud. His swiveling, overt sexuality, and frantic rhythms only meant that the era of big bands (my parents kind of music and entertainment) and swing music, was done. Rock N Roll, was here to stay. Some people, who looked at this, the best years of their lives, naturally figured it was now over.
So if anything, I guess we ought to give Grandma & Grandpa a break. As I am now a dues paying member of that elite fraternity of man, I say no more subjecting these folks to “Blue Swede Shoes” by some gyrating fool in a cape and dark sunglasses. Just as Cup Cake and I, will not want to be subjected to some nitwit dressed up like Justin Timberlake or Kevin Fedderline. We need to stop torturing the Greatest Generation.
They are going to love me at the home …….. Whadya mean Jello again!
My granddad used to say, “The wheel that squeals the loudest gets the grease first.” And he was right, he also said, “I raised five kids during the depression Son, they talked about it a comin’ and all the worrying in the world, didn’t slow it down none. It still came.” Good advice, he was 94 years old when he passed away.
Dear Mr. Smith:
I received your fax that shows the receipt for $50.91. I have applied a credit of $50.91 to your account. The balance on the account after the credit is a credit balance of $3.84 that can be applied to the next bill. I apologize again for the problem with downloading from your phone. If you have other questions about your account, then please send an email to myWireless.whatever, and a member of the email team will be happy to help you.
This month the cable company tried to jack me out of $30, and I got that back. Most recently AT&T shoved it to me, and again, I got a hold of “Customer Service” and explained to them (candidly and artfully) as best as I could, why they should not do this to me. This resulted in $50 in my favor ….. I am up $80 for the month, and it is only half over. Tell me it doesn’t pay to complain.
Unfortunately this morning I have some very disturbing news to report. I have now discovered that I have “ED” which is “Election Dysfunction.” I about ready for someone to take me outside, like an old dawg, and put a bullet thru my head, and put me out of my misery. And it is still eight more months until the “election.”
Might pay to remember, that after the election is over, if you vote for Hillary, there will still be two boobs in the White House. (Her and Bill! What were you thinking? Shame on you …. Shame on you.) I am soooooooo tired of it … I just want it to go away. Don’t you just love it when they say things like: “You are a dirty egg sucking dog, an inexperienced, glib, plagiarizing, turban wearing crypto Muslin who is financed by the Daily machine out of Chicago, who is a slumlord and you remind me of ……”
And then in the next breath …. “You wanna be my running mate Bro?”
And now we have ….. “The Governor paying for sex! ….. Naughty, naughty, shouldn’t do. The folks at Vatican City are going to be calling you.” Hunka-hunka-burnin’ Love. (Thank you very much. Please insert picture of your favorite political slime ball here)
It would not surprise me one bit if they call off Christmas in the Nation’s Capitol this year. They are going to be hard pressed to find three wise men, or a virgin in the entire town. All this philandering and pandering really makes it tough on all of us “good guys” out here.
Cup Cake turns and looks at me and she says: “Would YOU ever do anything like that?”
And I said, “Of course not! I need every dime I can get my hands on for gas money. Don’t be ridiculous.”
Tonight when I turn on the tube, she will be there, pontificating … “If I am elected YOUR president, women will rule the world! There will no longer be crime in our streets! No pollution! No war!” Gee, that is great, and I am thinking … Uh, what happens if there is a spider?
I am now off to Starbucks. I am going to order, off the menu, a decaf single grand, extra vanilla two-perfect extra caramel, 185 degree’s with whipped cream caramel macchiato. Now this I know, sounds a little bit over the top, but what the hey?
“I am up over $80 for the month …. Why not.”