Tabloid Shocker

The miss’us sent me to the SuperCenter today to pick up a bag of chips, a number three washtub bottle of Gatoraide a couple cans of that “Healthy Choice” soup. Which I thoroughly hate, even tho’ I know it is good for me. I am a Denny’s, bowl of soup and a hairball kind of guy, I want and need grease. Give me grease, my Doctor isn’t here.

Aywho, I am standing in the checkout line, where they have all those Tabloid type magazines, those cheap rags with the enticing incredible headlines. Six year old girl has baby, aliens discovered in Brazil posing as Nazi’s, San Jose California announces that they have weapons of mass destruction and warns Oakland to back off!

Stuff like that.

There it is: “Chilean man surprises attendee’s at his funeral by returning to life.”

Now I am thinking, “Hey, this is BIG NEWS” so like the sucker I am, I reach deep down in my pockets and I cough it up, pay for it, take it home to read. Turns out that this guy at his wake, is sitting up and demanding a glass of water from those in attendance. I don’t know about you, but THAT would get my attention.


Relatives had found Feliberto Carrasco, 81, on the floor of his house, so cold and apparently lifeless that they called for a funeral director rather than a funeral doctor. After friends and relations had gathered to toast his memory, Ol Carrasco regained consciousness. “I could not believe it. I thought I must be mistaken and I shut my eyes” said Carrasco’s nephew Pedro. “When I opened my eyes again, my uncle was looking at me.”

Must be a common occurrence in that part of the world. I once read of a woman in Boliva that had virtually the same experience. She had fell over, everyone thought she was dead, so the husband had his wife put in a pine box and they took her to the cemetery.

As they took her up the long winding, narrow path to the cemetery, the six pall bearers came to a gate, going thru the gate one of the men stumbled, they dropped the pine box, and the woman came tumbling out! Thoroughly offended and very, very angry, she took the husband by the ear and cussed him out all the way down the hill.

She lived another six months after that, and there wasn’t a day this poor sucker did not pay for his past discretion. Then pow! She again drops to the kitchen floor.

He once more, has her boxed up and they take her up the hill to the cemetery. At the gate, the husband turns around, looks at all the pallbearers and says …….. “Now steady men!”

It has to be true ……. I mean I read it in the tabloids.


Still Waters

Turned on CNN this morning for my usual quick fix of dismal events concerning the country. Was really surprised to see them releasing huge amounts of water from Lake Powell into the Grand Canyon. I was under the distinct impression that the water situation in that neck of the woods was pretty lousy. I have for weeks, been reading all of these dire predictions on the water situation and this kind of caught me off guard.

BAD NEWS: You thirsty? You will not be parched after reading this, believe me, this is some bad news, stick in your craw, drop-dead bad. What can I say? They changed my medication.

MORE BADDER NEWS: A good amount of information is now circulating on the Water Woes out west. Lake Mead is only at levels of 50% and has a 50/50 chance of going dry in the next thirteen years. Lake Powell has told Phoenix to cut back on their power usage because they are not going to be able to maintain water levels sufficient to generate power. With some 40 million people sucking on the Colorado River, it now no longer makes it to the Pacific Ocean; it dries up some 12 miles short.

EVEN BADDER NEWS: Las Vegas is reportedly recycling treated sewage effluent back into Lake Mead via a delivery system, that takes the treated sewage water and pumps it into the bottom of the lake via an underwater pipe. Los Angeles not to be deterred is doing the very same thing.

They pump effluent some 15 miles north, and then deliver it back into the aqua-fillers (sp) claiming it takes it some eight years to get back to the pumping stations. Lake Havasu City, Arizona, is often taking bids for treated effluent from private parties, that use it to water golf courses in the area, and it all goes, to the highest bidder.

EVEN WORSER (Yeah I know, what could possibly be worse than Even Badder?): It appears that soon, most of us, who visit or inhabit these locales, will be soon drinking treated sewage water on a regular basis.

NOW FOR THE GOOD NEWS: “There will be most likely, not enough of it, to go around.”

As for me and the Miss’us (Mrs.) we are pack up a couple of bottles of “Sweet Bitch,” a fine fruity little Merlot that is grown high in the mountains a tad bit south of here (Los Andes Chile). A nice little wine, good for the stomach and digestion, about $12 a bottle.

Remember, people are counting on you. Flush hard! Bakersfield needs the water.