Creative Endeavors, The Home of BoxcarOkie.com

February 27, 2013

A New Look

Filed under: Blogging,Life — ldsrr91 @ 7:39 AM
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As Charlie approached middle age, mid-life, he suddenly came to the eye-awakening conclusion that physically, he was a mess. Not only was he going bald, but years of sitting at the desk quoting insurance rates, eating at Denny’s, had given him a rather large pot belly.

When asked about his love life, Charlie would sigh and then sadly lament, “If it wasn’t for pick pockets, I wouldn’t have any love life at all.” Old Charlie was not having much success, no matter which approach he tried, the life of a lover was just not working out.

He appeared at his doctor’s office for his semi-annual physical, the doctor asked him, “Well, Old Timer, I see you are still kicking.” And Charlie replied, “Yeah, but I don’t seem to be stirring up much dust anymore.” While sitting in the doctor’s office Charlie had read his horoscope and it said that he needed to institute a change in his life.

Maybe this was the key he thought.

So he flipped the paper over to the Personals section. “Burned out lady, seeks the next getting to know you hour and one-half phone call, preceding over-priced restaurant dinner in which we both trot out our desperate stories and whatever rancid history we happen to have dragged along with us, knowing from the start that it’s a complete waste of time, because the only ones we would really be interested in don’t exist.  Looking for SWM (Single White Male) 35-45, hair, eyes, wallet, etc.” No that won’t work he thought, so he browsed the ads some more. The next personal ad was almost as interesting. “Dolly Parton look alike, raving beauty in her mid thirties, seeks good man with beard or without. Family, not flings, interest me. Broke and hungry, but can cook. Bring food.” Charlie thought to himself, “Hmmmm, this could be her?”

Nowhere was the word “hefty or nice personality” and any other adjectives.

This one, he mused, sounded good. So he dutifully sat down and answered the ad. But things just did not work out for Old Charlie, even tho’ he desperately wanted them to. When he showed up at the appointed hour for the date, the lady who accepted his answer to the ad, just doubled over and laughed at him. “That does it! This is the final straw!” 

Charlie shouted, “I am going to turn over a new leaf. I am going to become a totally NEW man.”

Old Charlie decided right there, that he was going to get a new look. Setting out to radically change his life, Old Charlie sat out upon his new task, his mission in life. Charlie began a totally new daily regime. He laid off the heavy salad dressing and went for the low-cal instead. He began setting his alarm clock and each morning, he danced through the living room on the “Early Morning Workout.” 

He started carrying his briefcase with a new vigor. He began to lift weights and jog at the local gym.

Old Charlie had, it seemed, definitely put some new life in his step. Charlie cleaned out the closets of his life, no shelf was left unturned. “Out with the old and in with the new!” became the war cry of this Hun. No more quick bag of chips for breakfast, forget the candy bars (with the creamy caramel centers) after lunch, it was strictly the Granola Bar for Charlie, this was after all, “serious business.” This changing his life attitude that Charlie had developed from all outward appearances was working.

Old Charlie was determined that he was going to change, to have that NEW look. Not to be detoured, he decided he would go all the way. He went about his business one hundred and ten-percent (110%) he gave it his all. Taking out a second mortgage on his house, he got a new expensive hair transplant (not the cheapie model mind you, he got the Corvette of hair transplants), a pair of new corafam wing tip shoes, patent leather no less. A bright new red PT Cruiser with a CD player and tape deck. Rings, watch, enough gold to hang around his neck it looked like a Mr. T. starter set.

In the short span of six weeks, Old Charlie was a new man, or at least, he thought so. Again he answered the ad in the paper and asked the very same woman out for a date. Pleading his case like a seasoned trial lawyer, sounding like the Ben Matlock of the dating scene, he made his case. He said, “I have changed, you owe it to yourself, to inspect the NEW me.” The Perry Mason of charm had won his case, the lady agreed to meet with him. All of his hard work, his dedication, finally had paid off.

The day for the date arrived. For the first time in a very long time, Charlie was excited as he had never been excited before (kind of like that feeling you get when you get your first bicycle or something like that, right?) almost like a schoolboy facing his first prom. All polished and shining like a Jewel of the Nile, old Charlie stood there on the threshold of the lady’s house, all dressed up for the date. Decked out to the nines, looking better than he had ever looked in his entire life!

The NEW Charlie had arrived. He stood there on the steps of romance and wondered to himself, “If perhaps tonight, he might get lucky?”

Tonight is the night Old Charlie is going to give the lady a ring. “She will be sorry for laughing at me, I am a new man, from top to bottom. Things are going to be a lot different this time around.” As he stood there on the doorstep poised to ring the woman’s doorbell, a bolt of lightning struck him and knocked him off his feet.

As he lay there dying, he turned his eyes towards the heavens and asked, “Why? Why? I have busted my tail for this day, why now? After all I have been through, how could you do this to me?” 

From up above, there came a rumbling and a deep, bold voice said ……… Oh, sorry Charlie, didn’t recognize you.” *

OOO

* Any resemblance to anyone living or dead named Charlie, is purely coincidental and should not be construed as an actual representation of fact.

November 2, 2012

Chump Change

Filed under: Blogging,Life — ldsrr91 @ 4:57 AM
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“I love the Canadians, they are so much more fun that those people down south.”

Chump Change is the title of this piece, it is not to be confused with that guy who has the goofy hair do.  Last night on the news they were talking about a local business owner who had been bilked out of some $15,000 by a major credit card company and some nefarious people down in Florida.  This entire thing, simple in most respects, took a little over six years to produce the amount of money that the business man lost.  As I watched all of this unfold, two things went through my mind.

  1. This isn’t right, he proves he was taken, and the credit card company only refunds to him $500. 
  2. He must have not been a very astute business man to get bilked out of $15K over a period of “six years.”  Surely someone sent him a statement?

The thing that is really scary about all this to me personally is this, “I just opened an account with these very same people.”  There is one little plastic card that is now headed for the lock box and total obscurity.

When Josh Ferrin and his family moved into their first house, in Bountiful, Utah, he discovered more than $45,000 in cash hidden in eight boxes stored in the attic.  After counting it all out, Ferrin contacted the oldest son of the late previous owners and gave him the money.  The son told him that “from time to time, his father would bundle $100 dollar bills with twine, climb up into the attic and put it in a box to save.”

Which reminds me of the story of a widow woman who’s husband did the same thing.  One day her and the preacher were talking about it.  She told him, “he would take a ladder, open up the crawl space in the attic, remove this box, put all this cash in it.”  And the preacher said, “What else did he do?” and she said, “he would tell me that he was going to grab it on the way to heaven.”

So the preacher asked her, “do you think it is still there?” and the old lady said, “I dunno.”  Fetching a ladder, the preacher carefully climbed up to the hole, slid the door aside and looked inside.  The old woman said, “Do you see anything?” and the preacher reached inside the hole, grabbed a box full of money, and handed it to the widow and said, “Yep, looks like he went the other way.”

Residents in Newport Beach, California are up in arms after discovering that many city lifeguards make more than $100K per year, and one, over $200K.  The lifeguard union president says the salaries reflect the extra challenges of patrolling a surfing mecca.  Lifeguarding there is different than any other place in the world was the quote I believe.  Uh yeah?  Sure.  Pass me the sunblock.

I always like someone with a wild sense of humor.

The Centers for Disease Control posted an emergency guide for how to respond to an attack by flesh-eating zombies.  the page, posted to draw traffic to the CDC became so popular that the server went down.  Good news, it is November, and television just might get back to what would be in most cases “considered normal.”  I hate the month of October and all the ghoulish fun they want to shove down our throats.

I love the Canadians, they are so much more fun that those people down south.  A Canadian couple is keeping their newborn child’s gender a secret in order to make the world ‘a more progressive place.”  they say that their 4-month old, named Storm, will reveal his or her gender only when “Storm decides he/she would like to share.”

They feel it is obnoxious to identify a child’s gender on the basis of their genitalia.  “If you really want to get to know someone, you don’t ask what is between their legs.”  Wow, I mean how incredible is that?  Wake up one Friday morning and discover that you have been doing it all wrong for over 50+ years and did not even know it.

Have a great weekend, if you go out on Saturday Night and happen upon a shapely, somewhat attractive he/she, well, just take a guess at it.

It will all work out later on I suppose.

OOO

Here is what folks have been reading at Creative Endeavors this week:

Home page / Archives  
Bikinis (The reason men are pigs)  
Eagle Bus Project Files  
Clear Blue Sky  
The Worry Tree  
Sprinkle Some Kindness Here And There  
Nuthin Ever Stays The Same  
A Moment In Time  
Mr. Gorsky  
Trailer Project I

November 1, 2012

Sprinkle Some Kindness Here And There

Filed under: Blogging,Life — ldsrr91 @ 6:36 AM
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Stories are like your babies, you nurture them, shape them and polish them, then you trot them out in public and hopefully everything goes well. It bothers you when you lose one like that. I often feel as if a small piece of me is lost, that it has been stolen from me.

Been to a movie lately, checked in on your favorite Super Hero and his/her exploits?  A movie these days will run you anywhere from $15-$25 depending on your taste and if you get popcorn it is going to cost you more.

Yesterday I bought lunch for a elderly couple, complete strangers, and it only cost me about $17 all total.  I can also assure you, that the feeling that I received for this random act of kindness, far exceeded the cost that was laid out of pocket.  It was a whole lot more value, than the price of a movie ticket.

Lot of folks walking around kind of down in the mount, surely not going to the movies, and times are hard.  If you are able, help them out.  If you can afford it, every now and then reach down into your pocket for a handful of kindness and sprinkle it around.  You would be surprised on what transpires.

 Speaking of Super Hero’s?

Add Superman to the list of reporters leaving the newspaper business behind.  In the comic book series’ latest issue, which went on sale Wednesday, an outraged Clark Kent quits his job at The Daily Planet after his boss berates him.

“I was taught to believe you could use words to change the course of rivers — that even the darkest secrets would fall under the harsh light of the sun,” the superhero’s alter ego says in a newsroom outburst. ” But facts have been replaced by opinions. Information has been replaced by entertainment. Reporters have become stenographers. I can’t be the only one who’s sick of what passes for the news today.”  So another American Icon has fallen beside the wayside, and you can read about it here.

We will pass 1,225,000 views this month (November) and that is kind of incredible, one and a quarter million views, never thought I would live to see something like that.  I am also sure my English teacher, Mrs. McGee would not have believed it either.  Thanks guys, I could not have done it without you.

Last week I lost seven full days of work, accidentally trashed it with some old photo’s and I was upset for a couple of days because of this mishap.  I am in here today searching for a story and I have evidently lost it too. Well, those who know me personally will tell you “I lost it a long time ago” but we are talking about the story.

It was a nice slice of life, I gave it birth, I gave it a name, and I evidently killed it because it is nowhere to be found. I hate it when that happens, which here lately, happens more than I would wish it to.

Stories are like your babies, you nurture them, shape them and polish them, then you trot them out in public and hopefully everything goes well. It bothers you when you lose one like that. I often feel as if a small piece of me is lost, that it has been stolen from me.

Today, because I didn’t do a save, it is lost, it is gone.

Fortunately for me (and for you) life is one long never ending story, unraveling one page at a time, and each day, there will be a new one for me to tell. Stop by tomorrow and I will have another to share with you.

It is, after all, what I do.

OOO

October 25, 2012

Life’s Cold Shoulder

Filed under: Blogging,humor,Life,Oklahoma — ldsrr91 @ 4:26 AM
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I hit another ticket on the lottery, this time it was $18.00.  This month, for some reason, I am on the plus side of the scale on my lottery playing.  Which presents another terrible anxiety in my life, “Will I be too old to spend it when the Big One finally rolls around” and Lady Luck smiles upon me?  

Much as I hate to admit it, things change.  There are no more easy answers, no more low hanging fruit hanging from the tree, each day presents a totally new problem for me it seems.

You see, another birthday has come and gone. 

I am one year older, and my friend Jon says I complain too much.  Bill Cosby once said, “Like everyone else who makes the mistake of getting older, I begin each day with coffee and the obituaries.”  So I have made a concentrated effort to do something different in my life these days. 

The coffee is good this morning, I am savoring it and reading the latest offering on the bus boards, I am not so much into obits.  Often change is hard to embrace, but we need to try.  Like it or not, we all start out as caterpillars and we end up beautiful butterflies  what we do with the rest of it, is our choice.

In the past I have written about the things in my life that effect me negatively, but today it is going to be different.  I am going to try and be upbeat about it all.  In the past I have been known to write with a somewhat remorseful tone or project a sorrowful attitude in salute to the dog days of my life … What optimistic and positive folks call The Golden Years.

One thing I have noticed here lately that is somewhat profound about my golden years is this.  I have long ago become invisible to young women.  They actually do not see me. But I am not writing this to complain. I am at peace with my circumstances. The blessing of sixty-five is a libido in decline.

The curse of it is that major pharmaceutical companies are successfully exploiting my insecurities. Suddenly that surreal commercial of a silver-haired guy sitting nude in an outdoor bath tub and holding hands with a naked, slightly younger voluptuous woman in an adjacent tub makes perfect sense.

To me it does … My wife on the other hand is oblivious to its meaning.

After an ocean of time, we still do not see things the same way.  But it is in the total scheme of things.  I read somewhere that while creating wives, God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world.

And then He made the earth round.

(See, at this age, you have new found wisdom.)

Sixty-five years old, roughly twice as old as my bus. Ironic, isn’t it?  Incidentally, my bus is, most likely in better shape, as it has had regularly scheduled maintenance during its lifetime.

Not long ago, I met an old tymer (sp.), now this guy was OLD (94) and I was amazed at some of the things that he had seen and experienced in his lifetime.  My life pales in comparison.  Soon I will be just like him I am afraid, starting all of my sentences with “back when I was a kid, or back in the day or I remember when.”

Which is of course … A dead give away.

OOO

October 23, 2012

You Win Some And You … Well, Y’know.

“I am so happy.  Finally caught a break and did something right for a change, that is a good thang.”

Bought some gasoline for my old truck today, it cost me $57.11 to fill it up, which is a lot of money to most people.  In Egypt they are paying .16 cents per liter, this translates to about .65 cents per gallon U.S..  Every day in this country, huge tankers, filled to the gills with this product are leaving the country and we are paying $3 per gallon?

Something just isn’t right.

Things are not good here in River City, the resident Mayor of BoogerTown lost eight stories that he had written for the website over the weekend.  I inadvertently moved them to the trash along with some old photo’s, did not notice this and then emptied the trash.  Man, that is so disappointing, all of them spell checked, formatted and ready to go and it all went south.

Now it appears that I will have to go back to working for a living.  Computer errors are so unforgiving and at the same time, they often gut you like a fish.  I had over a period of time, worked each one of these, and had them all ready to go, now they are in hard-drive heaven.

Received a new remote for the Dish Network, got it to operate everything with a min. of hassle (actually they were very helpful and that is a refreshing change of pace).  Somewhat timidly, I pointed it towards the box and told it to record, then at the TV, same deal, and everything worked.

I am so happy.

Finally caught a break and did something right for a change, that is a good thang.  If I was doing any better than I currently am, I afraid I would have to pay an amusement tax.

Might be hope for me yet.  I feel as if I am getting more mellow with age, I know this might be hard for some people to understand, but it is true.  This weekend for instance I hit two winning tickets on the lottery, the amount wasn’t all that sizable, about $162 for both tickets.

Now here is the rub.

When I go to cash in the tickets, the girl says to me, “We cannot pay this ticket, it is too much.”  Which is contrary to the rules of the lottery.  The lottery rules clearly state that retailers are NOT allowed to sell tickets unless they can keep a min. of $500 in their respective stores to pay all tickets when presented for amounts less than $600.  So here I stand at another juncture in time, “Do you want to be right or do you wanna be happy?”

Oh yeah, one more thing, I tried a new store for my tickets.  At this store (one I do not usually frequent) there is a sign and it reads:  “This store sold a winning Powerball Ticket for $40,012.00.”  So I asked the clerk, “did they come back and give you a tip?” and she replied, “Yes they did.”  So I said, “How much” and she got this sour look on her face and said, “He gave me a twenty dollar bill.”

What kind of piker does that, when Lady Luck smiles on him like that?

As I clearly do not have an idea as to what the answer might be, I will wrap this up for the day.  I have my own problems to work on … like finding a way to do something about this Libido thing … if I could fix that, I would have it made.

Some folks would of course, see that video as kind of sexist, but I see it as a celebration of the female form.  Anywho, comments are open, take your best shot.

See you at the water cooler.

OOO

October 4, 2012

Older Than Dirt …

Filed under: Blogging,humor,Life,Oklahoma,Recent — ldsrr91 @ 6:49 PM
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Today, October 5th, I have reached the status of an old fart.  I am pretty sure that my grandchildren elevated me to this lofty position years ago, but today, it is official.  I am one of them now.  

Old fart  An old man, an old fellow (considered offensive to the elderly) …… Why does the old fart keep on talking so much?  

2.  Old fart  An old guy that is just not right and officially has nothing in his tool box to offer ….. Peter turned the age of an old fart officially on Nov 22nd but, had been practicing for quite some time.  

3.  Old fart  What you smell when you smack your hand on your couch, car, or dining room chair, seat cushions ….. I was doing spring cleaning and beating the dust off the couch when that old fart hit me right in the face. We are graying out in this country, the driving force now seems to be the Baby Boomers that are taking out, for the “Good Life.”  Whatever is left of it, that is.  The American Dream thanks to years of neglect and voter apathy, is now long gone, a thing of the past, only a wisp of a memory on the consciousness of the people. I have no great plans for this day, it is after all, just another in a long string of days. 

Today, I find myself thankful that I still have a few years remaining, that my choices albeit somewhat limited are still available to me at this age. It is often hard for me to understand the aging process, the subtle changes in my moods, my body, my way of thinking.  I find it hard to get used to pee’ing in shifts, I don’t like the words, colonoscopy, medi-mucil, Citricell, you have a generic condition known as.  

Recently after going thru a few rounds of some physical discomfort, I inquired of my doctor, “What is it that caused this thing?” and he looked at me and smiled, “Too many birthdays” was his reply.  I could only think one thing at the time … “Well buddy, don’t look now, because your turn is a coming.”

 We all get a turn.

Officially retirement age, been awhile, but I made it.  I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse.  As I am officially retired, I can’t afford one.  So, I’m wearing my garage door opener. I also made a cover for my hearing aid and now I have what they call blue teeth, I think.  When you turn sixty-five you are allowed to do things like this, and hey?  

 “Nobody even notices.”

Viagra isn’t even an option any more, kind of like putting a brand new flagpole on a condemned building, b’sides you have to have a partner, dontcha?  One precursor to old age is that you have to get something on the ball, even if you are too old and tired to bounce it.  You know you are sixty-five when you discover that you have that dreaded furniture disease. That’s when your chest is falling into your drawers!  When you hitch up your pants so much, that at the next high-school reunion, you will be a pair of pants, with a set of ears.

Now I can finally take an application blank, the one’s that always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. I can write in … “A Good Doctor!”  Never noticed it before, but my wife has started reading her bible more, now that we are both getting older.  Then, it dawned on me, she could be cramming for her finals.  As for me, I’m just hoping God grades on the curve.

Today my bride will get me a cake, she will poke it full to the brim with a whole lot of candles, put it on the table, lite it up and ask me to make a wish.  As I have most of what I need in life, I will just make my wish simple and sweet.  

Here it is ….

I hope the smoke detector doesn’t go off in the hallway, when I blow out all these **@@##@**@!! candles …

I really hate it, when it does that. 

This concludes today message from the person now known as “Old Fart” formerly known as “Stud Muffin.”  We now return you to your regular programming or your nap … Which-ever comes first.

Have A Great Weekend.

OOO

What folks have been reading at Creative Endeavors this week:

Home page / Archives    
Bikinis (The reason men are pigs)    
Don’t Let Life Drag You Down    
The Worry Tree     
Clear Blue Sky    
Fantasy And Reality    
Good Decorations (audio)    
Goin With The Flow    
Lawn Mowing Sucks    
Air Bag Project

August 1, 2012

Bucket List Rework

Filed under: Blogging,humor,Life,Oklahoma,Recent,Uncategorized — ldsrr91 @ 5:29 AM
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I.D. Theft Is Real … Be Careful

At the root of every grey hair, there is a dead brain cell.  Someone had to remind me, so I’m reminding you, too.   Don’t laugh…. It is all true!  Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60 and heading towards 70 or beyond.  Here are some tips for you when the world gets to be the best of thee, when life don’t come across so easily.  Twenty reasons why it is okay to get older.

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation, you are most likely to be released first. 

3. No one expects you to run … anywhere.

4. People call at 9 PM (or 9 AM) and ask,  did I wake you?

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy now … Won’t wear out.

8. You can eat supper at 4 PM.

9. You can live without sex … But not your glasses.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room. 

13. You sing along with elevator music and you know ALL the words to the songs.

14. Your eyes won’t get much worse.

15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off. 

16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists and can predict the weather better than the national weather service.

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either.

18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size. 

19.  You are glad you have a DVR now you can tape Jay Leno and David Letterman and sleep.

20.You can’t remember where you saw this list, but you are sure glad it was in big print.

You are not over the hill … but you can damn sure see the top of it.

OOO

July 13, 2012

Curve Ball

Filed under: Blogging,humor,Life,Oklahoma,Recent — ldsrr91 @ 4:32 AM
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Here you go boys & girls, Friday’s post.  You will be happy to know, this post has no mention of Twitter, Facebook, Malware or medicine to treat an ugly rash under your right armpit.  In other words … It is just a taste of life. 

This morning I find myself sitting in the well worn comfortable chair at Buell’s Barbershop waiting on a haircut and a shave.  And I notice all of the hair in this small town country barbershop lying on the floor is a gray color. 

Which made me think to myself, perhaps I will write a post on that. 

So here it is.

Life threw me another curve this week and I was not ready for it.  You ever notice as you get older, things sort of happen, when you are not paying attention?  I had the power washer out the other day doing some chores and when I went to shut it down, I tipped it up to unhook the hose (this is more convenient than bending over or stooping down to remove it) and some gasoline ran out of the tank onto my left foot.

At the time, I of course was oblivious to this, and did not notice it at all.

Later on I am headed to town for lunch and I keep smelling gasoline in the old truck and I am wondering to myself, “What is wrong with this thing now?” (It has close to 160K on it so it is prone to break things)  All the time it is the left foot that has all the gasoline on it that is creating the odor.  Later on in the day, I disrobe to shower, and my left foot is all red (in the area of the tennis shoe spill) and I freak out.

“Holy mother of Gawd … What the _____ is that?”

This is what happens to you when something out of the ordinary happens to you as you grow older … You freak out.  Unfortunately, it also kicks into gear, quickly bringing everything to a head, the worry or anxiety feature of adult living.

Man, should I call the clinic?
How will I drive and stop the bus with only one foot?
Do they give you a discount on tennis shoes when you only have to buy one?
How will I ever get up on a horse again.

This morning I am running the gauntlet of human emotions trying to ascertain why “all of a sudden I am really red on this one foot.”  After my third cup of coffee it finally came to me (The Ice Man’s Head melts) “it was the gas on the tennis shoe.”  All is now right in my world, but believe me, “it is not easy being me.”

Fast forward to the next day.

In am at the RV repair shop and I am inquiring about some batteries for my coach, much like humans, they wear out too.  I happen to strike up a conversation with this guy, and right off the bat, he informs me (a total stranger) that he is seventy-four years old.  This in turn makes me think about all of these folks I run into, who for no apparent reason inform me of their age.

Kind of a modern day mystery or social oddity here lately.  We seem to have this preoccupation with our age these days.  Might be because we are all growing older and America is quickly graying out.

Not long ago, a few years perhaps, I find myself standing on the south rim of the Grand Canyon, a huge tour bus pulls up and out of its innards comes a slow moving procession of elderly folks.  They all line up at the overlook and instead of hearing … “What a moving, inspirational sight … or … Look at the grandeur of that .. How far do you suppose it is to the other side?” …

I hear: 

“After my last operation they put me on this … My doctor said that I should take two of these every morning … I am now urinating in shifts, it is really irritating the ____ out of me … No seriously, I am tellin ya Frank, those little blue pills really work.”

Life changes you not only physically but the way you think too.

When you are young, you walk up to complete strangers and announce in no uncertain terms, “I am four.”  Usually holding up the corresponding fingers to verify the statement.  Then you move onto fractions, “I am eight and one-half, nine and a quarter” when you tell someone or answer up when they inquire of you your current age.  Then it is the “almost there years.”  I am almost thirteen, I am almost sixteen, soon I will be twenty and no longer a teenager.

Life is like that, I don’t know why, but it is.

“Don’t trust anyone over thirty” remember that one. Then there is this middle age thing, which is kind of ridiculous.  Most folks when they hit forty-five or fifty claim to be “middle aged.”  Who do you know over 100 years old, few if any.  Then almost magically you find yourself pushing sixty and over the hill to seventy and find that this age is the new sixty, which I do not get at all.

Last time I saw my doc, he said “you have the start of cataracts” and I asked him what causes that, and he smiled and said, “too many birthdays.”  He also told me that my cholesterol was not good and I was my perfect weight if I was seven feet tall.  Suggested that I get some exercise in my later years, so I took him up on the offer.

Just been to the gym. They’ve got a new machine in.  Could only use it for half an hour, as I started to feel sick.  It’s great though.  “It provides me with everything I need – KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Potato Crisps, the lot..”  Now if I could just locate some suitable loose fitting clothing, I would have it made. 

Not bad, for sixty-four and three-quarters, whadya think? 

Have a great weekend … see y’all on Monday.

OOO

July 5, 2012

Heat Wave

We’re having a heat wave, a tropical heat wave …  American’s are sweltering in the heat and there seems to be no relief in sight.  No power and what is on line, is severely strained to the point of brownouts, I believe they are called “rolling black outs” now.  This is what happens to a country that sits back and ignores its infrastructure and invests all of its resources in wars and defense of enemies that somehow never seem to materialize.

Speaking of defense, I have it on good authority, that the last soldier in the War on Drugs died this week ….. Of old age.

We desperately need to prioritize our goals and do a little internal house cleaning in this country … that is … If there is time left for us to do that what needs to be done.  We are almost to the point of not knowing c’mere from sick ‘em.  This latest boon-doggle from the U.S. Supreme Court is a fairly good indicator.

For the first time in a long, long while the inflow of illegals into this country has ceased, it is now a negative number.  This could be because of the new policy of posting huge billboards along the U.S. – Mexican border displaying job statistic’s in English and Spanish on this robust economy we are now suffering … uh … living in.

To help save the economy, the Government will announce next month that the Immigration Department will start deporting seniors (instead of illegals) in order to lower Social Security and Medicare costs.  They figure that o

lder people are easier to catch and will not remember how to get back home.  I started to cry when I thought of some of you.  Then it dawned on me …  I’ll Probably see you on the bus!

What else we got?

Let me see …

Johnstown, PA (GlossyNews) – Local and state police scoured the hills outside rural Johnstown, Pennsylvania, after reports of three animal rights activists going missing after attempting to protest the wearing of leather at a large motorcycle gang rally this weekend. Two others, previously reported missing, were discovered by fast food workers “duct taped inside fast food restaurant dumpsters,” according to police officials.

”Something just went wrong,” said a still visibly shaken organizer of the protest.

“Something just went horribly, horribly, wrong.”

The organizer said a group of concerned animal rights activist groups, “growing tired of throwing fake blood and shouting profanities at older women wearing leather or fur coats,” decided to protest the annual motorcycle club event “in a hope to show them our outrage at their wanting to use  leather in their clothing and motor bike seats.”

“In fact,” said the organizer, “motorcycle gangs are one of the biggest abusers of wearing leather, and we decided it was high time that we let them know that we disagree with them using it, ergo, they should stop.”

According to witnesses, protesters arrived at the event in a vintage 1960’s era Volkswagen Van and began to pelt the gang members with balloons filled with red colored water, simulating blood, and shouting “you’re murderers” to passers by.  This, evidently, is when the brouhaha began.

“They peed on me!!!” charged one activist.

“They grabbed me, said I looked like I was French, started calling me ‘La Trene’, and duct taped me to a tree so they could pee on me all day!”

Still others claimed they were forced to eat hamburgers and hot dogs under duress.  Those who resisted were allegedly held down while several bikers “farted on their heads.”

Police officials declined comments on any leads or arrests due to the ongoing nature of the investigation; however, organizers for the motorcycle club rally expressed “surprise” at the allegations.

”That’s preposterous,”said one high-ranking member of the biker organizing committee.  “We were having a party, and these people showed up and were very rude to us.  They threw things at us, called us names, and tried to ruin the entire event.  So, what did we do?  We invited them to the party!  What could be more friendly than that?

You know, just because we are all members of motorcycle clubs does not mean we do not care about inclusiveness. Personally, I think it shows a lack of character for them to be saying such nasty things about us after we bent over backwards to make them feel welcome.”

When confronted with the allegations of force-feeding the activists meat, using them as ad hoc latrines, leaving them incapacitated in fast food restaurant dumpsters, and ‘farting on their heads,’ the organizer declined to comment in detail. 
  
“That’s just our secret handshake,” assured the organizer.

You want to put me on a bus?  Hey, I got one all picked out.

Where do I sign up?

OOO

Cartoons courtesy of American Progress.org

[#1291]

March 13, 2012

They’re Gonna Love Me At The Home

Wednesday!  Hump Day for a five day a week wage slave working for min. wage in the Great State Of Oklahoma.

This new routine I have established, certainly is working in my favor.  Even all the sorry news in the headlines are not bothering me at all.  It has been nice … But every now and then you just got to WRITE SOMETHING I suppose. 

In Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys. 

A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who “totally zoned when he ran”, accidentally jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run. 
 In Los Angeles they say “it is ten P.M. are the children in bed?” in Okie City, they say “It’s ten O’clock Y’all get them youngin’s tucked in.” and in Salt Lake City they say …. “Its ten P.M. does anyone know what time it is?” 

Incredible week on tap.  Things just kind of slip-by as you grow older.

When we get older we think differently, don’t we? I don’t care for the expression “Senior Citizen” being applied to me, I would of course prefer something more modern and up to date for my descriptive moniker. 

Something like …. Recycled Teenager … Yeah, I like that.  I like that okay.

This letter was sent to the Principal’s office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. An elderly lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize and was writing to say thank you. This story is a credit to all humankind.

Dear Kean Elementary:

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Sprenger Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it’s nice to know that someone is thinking of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady. My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio, but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping.

The other day her radio fell off the night stand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. Her distress over the broken radio touched me and I knew this was God’s way of answering my prayers. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to kiss my a**.

Thank you for that opportunity.
Sincerely,
Agnes

One of my favorite movies was on this past weekend, The D.I. (The Drill Instructor) starring Jack Webb.  It is a classic in every sense of the word, and I am a sucker for it, every time it comes on, I sit back and watch it repeatedly, over and over.  It is the Dancin’ With Wolves of the Military affectionados.  Full Metal Jacket is another one, it was on Saturday and Sunday was the D.I. so it was a good weekend for me.

Which reminded me of this.

 A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

“Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?”

“Negative, ma’am. Just serious by nature.”

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, “It looks like you have seen a lot of action.”

“Yes, ma’am, a lot of action.”

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, “You know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself.”

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.  Finally the young lady said, “You know, I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?”

“1955, ma’am.”

“Well, there you are. No wonder you’re so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955!  She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to “relax” him several times.  Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, “Wow, you sure didn’t forget much since 1955.”

The Sergeant Major said, after glancing at his watch, “I hope not; it’s only 2130 now.”

(Gotta love military time)

No good huh?

Okay, how about this?  This is my neighbor, she lives right up the road.

I can see her house from my living room.  I watched as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised when she walked across the street and up my driveway.  She knocked on my door…I rushed to open it.  She looks at me, and says, “I just got home, and I am so horny! I have this strong urge to have a good time tonight, I feel like I might want to get drunk, and make love all night long! Are you busy tonight?”

I immediately replied, “Nope, I’m free… I have no plans at all!”

Then she said, “Good!  In that case, could you watch my dog?

Now if you will excuse me, I have to go to Walmart and pick up these things that are evidently needed in our home, according to the list, I found on the kitchen counter this morning.  Perhaps I will get lucky and be the fourth person deep in the express line and get to guess what the people who’s credit card will not approve the sale are going to let go of (items they will have to put back so that they might leave). 

Undoubtedly, hands down, one of my favorite games to play while at WalMart, this and “where did I put my driver’s lic. it was just here the other day?

Like I said … IT’S NO FUN GETTING OLD … And they are just going to LOVE ME at the home.

OOO

Related:  Four Blue Hills  Tell Me This Won’t Happen To Us.

[#1204]

 
Cartoon courtesy of Center For American Progress Online
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