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December 20, 2014

Jus Sayin 1220

Filed under: Blogging,humor,Life,Oklahoma — ldsrr91 @ 12:17 AM
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images-1A man decides to check out of the Rat Race and boards a plane to India.  Arriving there, he immediately finds a guide to take him to a Tibetan Monastery high in the Himalayas.  (Man, talk about a spelling challenged post?)

He arrives at the monastery and the Monk tells him in order to seek the knowledge and enlightenment of life he must fast and can only speak two words per year, nothing more.

At the end of the first year he looked at the head monk and said … “Bed Hard.”

At the end of the second year he looked at the head monk and said … “Food Bad.”

At the end of the third year he looked at the head monk and said … “I Quit!”

The monk slowly raised his head up, looked him square in the eye, and then said …. “Well, it’s no wonder, all you have done since you got here was complain.”

No good?  Well whadya expect for free anyway.

Jus Sayin

December 18, 2014

Jus Sayin 1218

Filed under: Blogging,humor,Life — ldsrr91 @ 12:35 AM
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recent-shots-006I am desperately trying to stop drinking coffee and it aint easy

The first cup of coffee in the morning is supposed to be the best
But with old age, that is something that goes away too
The first cup of coffee in the morning now has two scoops of Poop-Fairy-Dust (Laxative) which makes it kind of bitter and unpleasant.

Doesn’t help the withdrawl headaches either.

You ever wonder what your dog is thinking when you follow him around with a pooper-scooper and then promptly reach down while it is still warm
and retrieve his business and put it in a bag.

Do the people who shop at WalMart have mirrors in their homes
Why is it a barrel of oil drops two dollars on the open market
but a gallon of gasoline only nine cents, anyone notice that
NASA is reporting that the planet Mars has methane gas
which cannot be blamed on me,
I live 252 miles due east of Amarillo.

Don’t believe these people that are spreading the rumor that says I molested sheep outside Bozeman Montana in 1978 while on vacation … It’s a lie.
And yes …  I still want my Father’s Day Card.

Speaking of Fathers (Nice blend huh?)  

Do you think that Cliff’s wife on the Cosby Show was a lawyer because of a deep seated emotional stirring that the need for a good attorney in the future might be an imperative in his life.
Isn’t life ironic. 

Does anyone have the contact number for Dr. Phil
the voices in my head are screaming for answers and we don’t have a clue
They want to ask him who has the best cellular service and plan for us
and of course, where they find the seeds to plant seedless watermelons
Dr. Phil is always saying he is a “mandated reporter” so I figure that means
he has to answer my question by law …  (and yes, I know there is no such thing as a “good” attorney).

Jus Sayin

December 16, 2014

Jus Sayin 1216

Filed under: Blogging,humor,Life — ldsrr91 @ 8:37 AM
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images

She had that sad look in her eyes,
I could tell she was upset
maybe it was depression
or
just the battle scars of time

Looking at her I said:
“If you need a shoulder to lean on baby, I am here for you.”
And she said
“No thanks.  The smell of Ben Gay waters my eyes.”

Often life is like that, you never know
what is coming down the pike

I was in the restaurant yesterday,
kind of crowded,
but I still found a good seat

At that time,
suddenly quite by surprise my stomach growled deep down inside
This feeling came over me and I knew
I desperately needed to pass some gas.

The music in the Cafe was really, really loud,
so I timed my gas with the beat of the music.
After a couple of songs,
I started to feel much better.

Finishing my coffee I looked around the room
and noticed that everyone was staring at me.

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my I-Pod.

Man, I just hate it when that happens.

Jus Sayin

December 10, 2014

Jus Sayin 1210

Filed under: Blogging,Life,women — ldsrr91 @ 8:10 AM
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imgresNot long ago, a cute little honey from my neighborhood friended me on Facebook and push came to shove, a couple of enticing selfies reflecting off the bathroom mirror, a few lies sprinkled here and there and y’know, we just naturally set up a meet. 

She sent me a message that said “Come on over.  There is no one home.” 

So I jumped in my pickup and raced over there.

Sure enuff, there wasn’t anyone there.

FaceBook is so cruel.

Jus Sayin

December 8, 2014

Jus Sayin 1209

Filed under: Blogging,Oklahoma — ldsrr91 @ 9:18 PM
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copDo you remember the “Good Old Days”
It hasn’t always been this way.
If you are not satisfied with the police response in your town next time you get in a bind, call a Crackhead

Found myself considering purchasing a new toad,
which is slang for a tow-car in the RV community

So I Googled the word … “Hummer” …

Man, you would not believe what came up!

Did you know if you trim the feathers on a Goose on one wing only the bird will fly in circles all day long
I can fondly recall my mother saying
“Donnie stop running in circles or I will nail your other foot to the floor!”
Kind of brings a tear to your eye, don’t it?

I am now off to watch some documentary I DVR’ed about sex workers in India
Not that I am a pervert or anything, but I really like to run it to the end
and then watch it backwards.

I just love it when they give the John all his money back.

Jus Sayin

November 29, 2014

Jus Sayin … 1129

Filed under: Uncategorized — ldsrr91 @ 8:14 AM
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images-3

Would you rather be a serf or a king … think about it

After this last round of elections, it appears both positions are now open.

If you come across a politician and a snake in a field, which one do you shoot?

The wife asked me this morning, “Do we have any money in the bank?”

I said, “Not much.”

She said, “Well, how much is that exactly … when you say … Not much.”

So I told her the best way I knew how.

Honey I said, “If they were giving away steamboat rides on the South Canadian River for a buck an one-half per person.  We would have enough money to run up and down the bank shouting … “Boy that is cheap!”

She didn’t get it.

Jus sayin

November 25, 2014

Paul Loves Bacon

Filed under: Uncategorized — ldsrr91 @ 10:44 AM
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images7Are you aware of the fact that Denny’s puts eight (8) pieces of bacon on a BLT?  I found that out over the weekend, that is a lot of bacon.  It is sooooooo good, but so bad for you, one of those “everything I love to eat, is killing me” things.

One thing you can count on in America, good or bad, it will be marketed and given to you in one way, shape, form or manner.  You can now get a “Bacon Shake” at Burger King …. Have it your way.  And afterwords, when your arteries choke up and you win the lottery for high numbers on Cholesterol, you can get buried in your own bacon coffin. 

I know, I know, you are sitting there chuckling and chortling to yourself, saying this dude is making all of this up.  Uh huh … sure.  Just remember my friend, when they wheel you inside that room, and transfer you over to the table.

That metal is awful cold … Jus sayin.

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February 27, 2013

A New Look

Filed under: Blogging,Life — ldsrr91 @ 7:39 AM
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As Charlie approached middle age, mid-life, he suddenly came to the eye-awakening conclusion that physically, he was a mess. Not only was he going bald, but years of sitting at the desk quoting insurance rates, eating at Denny’s, had given him a rather large pot belly.

When asked about his love life, Charlie would sigh and then sadly lament, “If it wasn’t for pick pockets, I wouldn’t have any love life at all.” Old Charlie was not having much success, no matter which approach he tried, the life of a lover was just not working out.

He appeared at his doctor’s office for his semi-annual physical, the doctor asked him, “Well, Old Timer, I see you are still kicking.” And Charlie replied, “Yeah, but I don’t seem to be stirring up much dust anymore.” While sitting in the doctor’s office Charlie had read his horoscope and it said that he needed to institute a change in his life.

Maybe this was the key he thought.

So he flipped the paper over to the Personals section. “Burned out lady, seeks the next getting to know you hour and one-half phone call, preceding over-priced restaurant dinner in which we both trot out our desperate stories and whatever rancid history we happen to have dragged along with us, knowing from the start that it’s a complete waste of time, because the only ones we would really be interested in don’t exist.  Looking for SWM (Single White Male) 35-45, hair, eyes, wallet, etc.” No that won’t work he thought, so he browsed the ads some more. The next personal ad was almost as interesting. “Dolly Parton look alike, raving beauty in her mid thirties, seeks good man with beard or without. Family, not flings, interest me. Broke and hungry, but can cook. Bring food.” Charlie thought to himself, “Hmmmm, this could be her?”

Nowhere was the word “hefty or nice personality” and any other adjectives.

This one, he mused, sounded good. So he dutifully sat down and answered the ad. But things just did not work out for Old Charlie, even tho’ he desperately wanted them to. When he showed up at the appointed hour for the date, the lady who accepted his answer to the ad, just doubled over and laughed at him. “That does it! This is the final straw!” 

Charlie shouted, “I am going to turn over a new leaf. I am going to become a totally NEW man.”

Old Charlie decided right there, that he was going to get a new look. Setting out to radically change his life, Old Charlie sat out upon his new task, his mission in life. Charlie began a totally new daily regime. He laid off the heavy salad dressing and went for the low-cal instead. He began setting his alarm clock and each morning, he danced through the living room on the “Early Morning Workout.” 

He started carrying his briefcase with a new vigor. He began to lift weights and jog at the local gym.

Old Charlie had, it seemed, definitely put some new life in his step. Charlie cleaned out the closets of his life, no shelf was left unturned. “Out with the old and in with the new!” became the war cry of this Hun. No more quick bag of chips for breakfast, forget the candy bars (with the creamy caramel centers) after lunch, it was strictly the Granola Bar for Charlie, this was after all, “serious business.” This changing his life attitude that Charlie had developed from all outward appearances was working.

Old Charlie was determined that he was going to change, to have that NEW look. Not to be detoured, he decided he would go all the way. He went about his business one hundred and ten-percent (110%) he gave it his all. Taking out a second mortgage on his house, he got a new expensive hair transplant (not the cheapie model mind you, he got the Corvette of hair transplants), a pair of new corafam wing tip shoes, patent leather no less. A bright new red PT Cruiser with a CD player and tape deck. Rings, watch, enough gold to hang around his neck it looked like a Mr. T. starter set.

In the short span of six weeks, Old Charlie was a new man, or at least, he thought so. Again he answered the ad in the paper and asked the very same woman out for a date. Pleading his case like a seasoned trial lawyer, sounding like the Ben Matlock of the dating scene, he made his case. He said, “I have changed, you owe it to yourself, to inspect the NEW me.” The Perry Mason of charm had won his case, the lady agreed to meet with him. All of his hard work, his dedication, finally had paid off.

The day for the date arrived. For the first time in a very long time, Charlie was excited as he had never been excited before (kind of like that feeling you get when you get your first bicycle or something like that, right?) almost like a schoolboy facing his first prom. All polished and shining like a Jewel of the Nile, old Charlie stood there on the threshold of the lady’s house, all dressed up for the date. Decked out to the nines, looking better than he had ever looked in his entire life!

The NEW Charlie had arrived. He stood there on the steps of romance and wondered to himself, “If perhaps tonight, he might get lucky?”

Tonight is the night Old Charlie is going to give the lady a ring. “She will be sorry for laughing at me, I am a new man, from top to bottom. Things are going to be a lot different this time around.” As he stood there on the doorstep poised to ring the woman’s doorbell, a bolt of lightning struck him and knocked him off his feet.

As he lay there dying, he turned his eyes towards the heavens and asked, “Why? Why? I have busted my tail for this day, why now? After all I have been through, how could you do this to me?” 

From up above, there came a rumbling and a deep, bold voice said ……… Oh, sorry Charlie, didn’t recognize you.” *

OOO

* Any resemblance to anyone living or dead named Charlie, is purely coincidental and should not be construed as an actual representation of fact.

February 13, 2013

TIME IS RUNNING OUT

Open Carry:  If you are going to carry an illegal loaded semiautomatic firearm in New York City, it is probably best to not press your luck by trying to beat a $2 subway fare.  Amazing what people will do and then how much time they have to think about it later on …

How about seven years?   

Droning On:  I noted at the bank today the cover of time magazine had a Military Drone on the front cover.  This past weekend CBS had quite a bit of airtime, devoted to the same subject, it appears that they are hot now.  They are being used not just by the military but police departments, national guard units, you name it.  So far this tool for terrorists has only taken out some 59 known bad guys, but has killed something like 34,000 poor citizens who were listed as “collateral damage.”

Mans’ best doing man’s worst … Fly one over my property and I can assure you “it will not come home.”  If it does it will be full of buckshot from my 12 gauge.

Fifty years of James Bond …  It is kind of slow around here, we are currently being snowed upon which is okay, because we could use the moisture.  So I find this cinema love fest on television, “Fifty Years of James Bond” and I am of course, amazed and amused at the same time.  

Fifty years just doesn’t seem possible and then there is the always engaging Double O Seven loading freshly shot pheasants into the back of a truck on a French Chalet and the tag on the tailgate is there plain to see …. California.

Finally something for us old geezers:  Silicone Valley has introduced the first edition of the new baby boomer computer and keyboard.  Supplies are limited at this time.

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Change the Batteries – Set it to Vibrate – or just remove it:  A prisoner in a Shri Lanka prison was found to have stuffed a cellphone up his wah-zoo (chocolate speedway) and two “hands free” packs with it (good idea).  Everything was going just fine until someone he had just called … returned his call … which did not amuse his handlers in the least.

New Religious Experience in Texas:  Do you owe money on a car?  Finance company banging on the door, here is a tip.  Crush it.  At the same time, save yourself the drudgery of doing lawn mowing this summer, throw in a couple of lawnmowers for good measure.  The Church of Later Day Saints is alive and well, crushing lawnmowers and cars south of the Red River.

Time is running out:  Well, well, well … Here it is the 13th of the month, and of course, a lot of you guys have done nothing to improve your marital status or the relationship you share with “your significant other” and you are for the most part, dead in the water.

Having procrastinated for literally weeks, you find yourself adrift in an ocean full of sharks, and you suddenly discover YOU are the chum.  Oh-my-gosh, down to just one more day, a scant 24 hour period with which to redeem yourself.  Someone needs to throw you a life vest.

As I am a generous sort, I will give you a hint.  

Take her to someplace she has never been, to a place where she can relax, enjoy a good meal, get some rest.  

Flowers are nice, chocolate will work with some girls, and there is always the occasional choochie-coupon to be redeemed.  But if you want to make her happy, take her somewhere for the holiday, wine and dine her.

It works.  On Valentines Day, I asked mine one year, “Can I kiss you in a place you have never been kissed?” and she looked up at me with those big brown eyes, eyes so wide that a man could get lost in and then she said … Omaha Nebraska?

Now I have to go, Dr. Phil is coming on …. “His Girlfriend has Robbed him Blind.” …. Rebecca says her sister has betrayed her by sleeping with the important men in her life;  Steve says his girlfriend keeps stealing his money.

New.

I am just a sucker for love I suppose.

OOO

January 30, 2013

More Not Fresh Pressed Baloney

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REACH OUT AND BUG SOMEONE:  Went to the telephone store yesterday.  I look at the kid and say, “My telephone bill is five dollars high this month, can you tell me what is going on?” he says, “Let me see your bill.”  I say to him, “they don’t send me a bill, they do it all electronically.”

So we walk over to the computer and I give him all of my identification and the name of my first born male child, we are off and running. He says to me “Here it is.  You had 12 photographs at .50 cent each.”

Now as our kid is really proud of his kids, and sends pictures of the youngest standing next to a trash can all of the time.  Some months ago, I had this feature disabled on my phone (along with text messaging at the same time) or at least I thought I had this covered.  I am not supposed to get photo’s or text, I am just supposed to get telephone calls for new storm windows, carports, septic tank pumping, miracle weight loss cures, stuff like that.

I tell him this, the nice kid, who still has lipstick on his cheek where his mother kissed him good-bye this morning. 

He offers me nothing.  So I say to him, “I never got any pictures, this has to be a mistake.”  He says, “Let me see your phone” and he looks for the pictures that I received that are clearly not there, and this shrugs his shoulders and says, “Must be some kind of glitch.” He removes the charge and gives me a credit, which doesn’t really put anything back in my bank account, so we may or may not be done with this issue, I am not sure.

I then ask him, “How about these junk telephone calls, am I being charged for them?” and he says, “No.”  I ask him, “so I am not charged for them even if they leave a message on my voice mail?”  He says, “Oh that is different.  If you open your voice mail and listen to the message, then you are charged for the call.”

Hmmmmm, “this means, that I am damned if I do and damned if I don’t, wouldn’t you say?”

He smiles, and says … “Yes sir.  That is about it.”  Nice kid, most likely will be some kind of politician one of these days.

FLY THE FRIENDLY SKIES:  I live in what they call a “Fly Over State” and see a lot of aircraft in the sky.  Have you ever wondered how many airliner’s are flying above this country at any one given time?  The numbers are clearly amazing, it would astound you.  I often look up at see the contrails in the sky and wonder where it is they are going and why so many of them are up there.  Here is a link, you can check it out for yourself.

The technology of this site amazes me.  Lot of interesting data can be found.  I clicked on one that said it was Air Force One and I found a shot of Mr. Obama’s aircraft on its first pass over Texas, you can see it here.

EIGHTY-NINE CENT PIE:  We are at the Root N Scoot, I have to buy my lottery tickets for the game on Tuesday.  I don’t want to be stinkin’ rich … but I would not mind smelling bad.  Anyway, this gal, all decked out to the nines in jewelry and stuff, bling-bling (I don’t know if it is real or fake, but it looks nice) walks up to the counter, lays down a .89 cent pastry.  No big thing, right?  Then she pulls out a credit card and pays for the pastry with the card.  Now here is the rub, she walks outside and get into a Lexus SUV.  What is wrong with this picture Boys n Girls?  Sort of like this thing one of our readers sent to me this week:  

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This is kind of hard to read, here is what it says:  “A woman said she noticed her purse missing from her car just before 5P.M. Sunday. The car was parked at her residence on Hornet Drive.  The woman said the car had been locked, and her purse was in the back seat.  the purse was valued at $400, the wallet was valued at $200, and cash in the purse was reported to be $800.  Also missing were the woman’s Food Stamp Cards.”

Kind of brings a tear to your eyes, doesn’t it.

ALL TANKED UP:  Subject: New gasoline coming to your gas station. Folks pay real good attention to this one.  Those friendly folks at the EPA (which stands for Exxon Prostitutes, whores and a**holes) all those unelected buddies, we have in the government have come up with a new wrinkle to get you out of your car.  Watch this video about E15 gas if you have a car older than 2012.  There is a link to the story on Fox News, but if you go to that link, surprisingly the video and information is “missing.”  Hmmmmmm?  Over on Utube you can find it all.

This move by the oil companies and the government together is in your best interests.  You see as we all slowly digress to a nation that produces nothing but debt, if we do not have an ample supply of doctored up gasoline (which insures our sucking off the petroleum tit for the next 100 years easily) we will not be able to deliver pizza’s to each other and get them to the house while they are still warm.

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Is this statuetory rape?  Or is it just a moosedemeanor?  

(Stop laughing! This is serious.)

Now I am off to the tireshop.  They put four new tires on my car last month to the tune of almost $700 and the right-front will not hold air for some reason.  I just can hear it now … “Have you been running your car with the ignition turned on?  This could affect the outcome of your final billing Mr. Smith.”

OOO

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