Creative Endeavors, The Home of BoxcarOkie.com

April 18, 2012

Things Are Lousy In Jurupa Valley, CA

Filed under: Blogging,Life,Oklahoma,Recent,Uncategorized — ldsrr91 @ 8:52 AM
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Here you go, middle of the week, all the news that is fit to print or causes fits in print … you be the judge.

Higher Edumaycayshun …. Police in Milledgeville, GA arrest a 6-year-old girl for simple assault and property damage after knocking over a shelf in a school tantrum that injured the principal. What are our schools coming to … children are upset so we arrest them?  Thank God that monster is off our streets

I got yo’ stuff see if you can finds me?  …. Here is one from the stoooopid criminal files.  A thief in Chicago was charged with stealing $17K worth of merchandise from a Radio Shack, including a GPS device that police used to locate him.

Honey there is something I neglected to tell you before we got married …. An Egyptian man who went online to watch a porno film for the first time got the shock of his life when he found that the woman in the film was his own wife.  “I found 11 films showing my wife in indecent scenes with her lover … it was the first time I watched a porno film and I did this just out of curiosity,” Ramadan told Egyptian newspapers at his house in the northeastern province of Dakhalia.

Yeah, and I hear people just read Playboy for the articles.

Don’t forget the sunscreen … Just in time for summer, how to hit a nude beach and not stand out.  Bonus articles too, including the best place to get naked, is there really such a place, c’mon?  An added bonus on the same page … Your own cool Border Patrol ball-cap, only $2.99.

What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas … A new mobile medical unit is patrolling the streets of Las Vegas, providing intravenous fluids to people with wicked hangovers.  With packages starting at $90.  “Hangover Heaven” (catchy name eh?) treats patients with a proprietary blend of fluids, vitamins, and medications that the company claims can “drive the toxins out of your system and get you tuned up to enjoy your stay.”

The New Girl from south of the border … Nearly half of Brazilians are now overweight or obese, the government said this week.  In the past five years, the proportion of people in the land of bikinis who are overweight has ballooned from 43% to over 49%.  Now is the time for them to act to ensure we they reach the levels of countries like say … the U.S. where obese is getting to be the norm.  You don’t believe that?  Been to WalMart lately?

I am a sensentive person, no really, I really am … A convicted rapist prefers death over 20 years in prison, says he is “afraid of being raped in prison,:    “I prefer death a thousand times over being raped,” said Galvan-Hernandez.  A tiny man less than 5 feet in height, Galvan-Hernandez told the court he’d been sexually assaulted numerous times as a street youth in Mexico.  “I want to pay for the act of cowardice,” he added. “I admit it, but I just don’t want to be raped.”

Oh stop please, you are breaking my heart!  Let him serve out the full sentence in the general population and don’t give me this “cruel and unusual punishment” tripe.

When the poo-poo hits the whirly-dirly  (When the **** hit the fan).  Anyone here remember the Boz?  Here is a hint:  Poor Brian Bosworth when he played college ball for University of Oklahoma he was labeled a problem child and complained that no one understood him.  He was a crappy linebacker (in the NFL, the Seattle Seahawks fans did not adore him either). He was a crappy actor. Then he was a crappy landlord, apparently. He is being sued over poop problems … time has a way of catching up with all of us I suppose.

Hopefully he’s not a crappy real estate worker now, too.

Let’s form a committee and pool our ignorance …. Here are some people who are really off to a bad start.  The City of Jurupa Valley  has only been city for 10 months now.  The newly formed Planning Commission for the City of Jurupa Valley, CA. it seems is a bit dysfunctional.

The planning commission had a meeting last week to discuss building issues in the city.  One of the issues being discussed was a low income apartment complex for Veterans to be built in the city.  The apartment complex is planned by Mustang Affordable Homes LLC.  Representatives of Mustang Affordable Homes LLC were answering questions that the planning commissioners were asking.

Planning Commissioner Don Porter asked Mustang Affordable Homes LLC representative how the applicants could be screened for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, (PTSD).

Okay Veterans here we go again.

Just because we might have PTSD, we are a hazard to the public or to the school children who will be walking by the apartment complex.  I don’t know about you but I am tired of these ignorant people.  I worked 30 years for the Santa Fe Railroad with my PTSD.  (I have PTSD, the VA says so).  I did not attack anyone because of my PTSD.  I did not go CRAZY and shoot innocent people because of my PTSD. I have never harmed anyone or anything because of my PTSD.

Yet a Mr. Don Porter would want me screened for PTSD before I could move into a Veterans Apartment Complex?  I am very upset over Don Porter’s question, insinuation or what ever you want to call it.  I think every Veteran should be upset.

These planning commissioners were personally appointed by the Jurupa Valley City Council.  In fact they were hand picked by the city council.  I think everyone should send an e-mail to every member of the city council and tell them what you think.  Then ask for the city council to remove Mr. Don Porter from the planning commission.  We don’t need a person with this kind of mind set on any city’s committee.

This not only affects the Veterans of Jurupa Valley, CA.  This affects every Veteran no matter where we live.

Below are the city council members e-mails.  The very first e-mail is the mayor’s.  Please, lets flood their mailboxes with e-mails telling them how disgusted we are with Mr. Don Porter.

lroughton@jurupavalley.org
FJohnston@JurupaValley.org
BHancock@JurupaValley.org
MGoodland@JurupaValley.org
VLauritzen@JurupaValley.org

You know there are times I wonder about things.  Little things, big things, often on the very edge of reality, I wonder about stuff when I hear of something like this.  It is getting to the point, that all you have to do in this country, is stick a shovel in the ground, anywhere, and something “ugly is going to come to light.”  It just makes me wonder.  This morning, I was wondering “how big the Petri dish might be” where this country grows all these civic do-gooders and misguided idiots.  I bet it is a whopper.

Here is our Public Service Announcement for Wednesday April 18th, 2012.  Please be advised The Byrd Spring Rod & Gun Club is sick and tired of receiving questions about the Club’s mascot dog who mauled:  Six people wearing Obama tee shirts, four wearing Pelosi tee shirts, two Democrats, 3 Santorni supporters, nine teenagers with pants hanging past their butt cracks, three flag burners, and a Pakistani taxi driver.

FOR THE LAST TIME … THE DOG IS NOT FOR SALE!

See you at the water-cooler.

OOO

OOO

March 13, 2012

They’re Gonna Love Me At The Home

Filed under: Blogging,humor,Life,Oklahoma,random,Uncategorized — ldsrr91 @ 9:32 PM
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Wednesday!  Hump Day for a five day a week wage slave working for min. wage in the Great State Of Oklahoma.

This new routine I have established, certainly is working in my favor.  Even all the sorry news in the headlines are not bothering me at all.  It has been nice … But every now and then you just got to WRITE SOMETHING I suppose. 

In Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys. 

A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who “totally zoned when he ran”, accidentally jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run. 
 In Los Angeles they say “it is ten P.M. are the children in bed?” in Okie City, they say “It’s ten O’clock Y’all get them youngin’s tucked in.” and in Salt Lake City they say …. “Its ten P.M. does anyone know what time it is?” 

Incredible week on tap.  Things just kind of slip-by as you grow older.

When we get older we think differently, don’t we? I don’t care for the expression “Senior Citizen” being applied to me, I would of course prefer something more modern and up to date for my descriptive moniker. 

Something like …. Recycled Teenager … Yeah, I like that.  I like that okay.

This letter was sent to the Principal’s office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. An elderly lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize and was writing to say thank you. This story is a credit to all humankind.

Dear Kean Elementary:

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Sprenger Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it’s nice to know that someone is thinking of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady. My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio, but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping.

The other day her radio fell off the night stand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. Her distress over the broken radio touched me and I knew this was God’s way of answering my prayers. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to kiss my a**.

Thank you for that opportunity.
Sincerely,
Agnes

One of my favorite movies was on this past weekend, The D.I. (The Drill Instructor) starring Jack Webb.  It is a classic in every sense of the word, and I am a sucker for it, every time it comes on, I sit back and watch it repeatedly, over and over.  It is the Dancin’ With Wolves of the Military affectionados.  Full Metal Jacket is another one, it was on Saturday and Sunday was the D.I. so it was a good weekend for me.

Which reminded me of this.

 A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

“Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?”

“Negative, ma’am. Just serious by nature.”

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, “It looks like you have seen a lot of action.”

“Yes, ma’am, a lot of action.”

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, “You know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself.”

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.  Finally the young lady said, “You know, I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?”

“1955, ma’am.”

“Well, there you are. No wonder you’re so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955!  She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to “relax” him several times.  Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, “Wow, you sure didn’t forget much since 1955.”

The Sergeant Major said, after glancing at his watch, “I hope not; it’s only 2130 now.”

(Gotta love military time)

No good huh?

Okay, how about this?  This is my neighbor, she lives right up the road.

I can see her house from my living room.  I watched as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised when she walked across the street and up my driveway.  She knocked on my door…I rushed to open it.  She looks at me, and says, “I just got home, and I am so horny! I have this strong urge to have a good time tonight, I feel like I might want to get drunk, and make love all night long! Are you busy tonight?”

I immediately replied, “Nope, I’m free… I have no plans at all!”

Then she said, “Good!  In that case, could you watch my dog?“

Now if you will excuse me, I have to go to Walmart and pick up these things that are evidently needed in our home, according to the list, I found on the kitchen counter this morning.  Perhaps I will get lucky and be the fourth person deep in the express line and get to guess what the people who’s credit card will not approve the sale are going to let go of (items they will have to put back so that they might leave). 

Undoubtedly, hands down, one of my favorite games to play while at WalMart, this and “where did I put my driver’s lic. it was just here the other day?“

Like I said … IT’S NO FUN GETTING OLD … And they are just going to LOVE ME at the home.

OOO

Related:  Four Blue Hills  Tell Me This Won’t Happen To Us.

[#1204]

 
Cartoon courtesy of Center For American Progress Online

January 5, 2012

Big City

Filed under: Blogging,Life,Oklahoma,random — ldsrr91 @ 6:15 AM
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Big City

Our little world is not only getting smaller but more crowded with the population now exceeding seven billion people.  India continues to lead the pack and is now slated to surpass China soon in total population growth.  Our cities are getting bigger and bigger.  My question would be are they building cities worth building a future in?   Are they making the cities more lasting, livable and prosperous?

Two cities I am intimately familiar with are Dallas and Houston, Texas, and I would not live in either one.  In Austin, Texas, at the height of rush hour, you can actually get out of your automobile and walk faster than the traffic moves!

But all the news is not dire, I hear that San Diego has a new light rail system and it is getting  commuters home faster.  They are now building electric sub-stations that are out of sight, in Las Vegas they have Microwave transmission towers that are camouflaged as pine trees.  So in some cases, progress is starting to show up, albeit, slowly but surely.

The sad part of all this is in recent weeks we have watched people taking to the streets by the millions to protest political, economic, and social conditions in the big cities across our land, where the quality of life has eroded seriously, to epidemic proportions.  Our cities are now turning into killing grounds for social misfits and predators, willing to put you down for a pack of Marlboro’s.  In some cases the best advice is “don’t let the sun go down on you here.”

On top of being dangerous, it is also unhealthy at the same time.  This morning I am reading where it says that living in the city can be hazardous to your mental health according to scientists.  A recent study in Germany has linked poor performance in math and other area’s to living under stressful situations in big cities.  Which should not come as any big surprise to anyone who has ever lived in or near a big city.

As I often like to consider myself a little bit ahead of the curve, I knew that one for a fact before I read it.  Big City living will bring you down, faster than a Hong Kong Second.  That is why I am a country dweller here in the Heartland.  Lack of stress is why I live here, out in the sticks. (Okie speech)

There is just one apparent drawback to all of this.  I live in El Reno, Oklahoma.  And as most you know, Oklahoma is the Extreme Bad Weather Capitol of America.  We have it all, thunderstorms, hail, floods, tornadoes. droughts and recently earthquakes.  I get enough excitement here to last a lifetime.  Regardless, I know I am better off here at the Goat Farm.

I know deep down that I would not adapt well to life in the Big City. You see … I already know how to drive and I cannot speak Spanish.

I used to read about the far away exotic and dangerous cities and places of the world with mystery and awe.  I would read the stories of the poor and the downtrodden in the third world, the weak and the hungry. I would gaze upon the photographs and see the barrio’s and the ghetto’s where hope came to die.

Now days I read about what is going on here at home and I realize this.

America in its own way, is morphing itself into the very same thing, it has become like one of these distant troubled places, and I just thank my lucky stars, that I am here where I am.

Locked down in the country, down at the end of the Yellow Brick Road.

OOO

November 2, 2011

Speedos, Banana Slings, and Fairy Tales

Filed under: Oklahoma,humor,Life — ldsrr91 @ 7:00 AM
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Hugo Chavez, the current dictator in Caracas, Venezuela is moving all of the country’s gold from London back to Venezuela, all 211 tons of it.  He is sure that it will be attached or frozen by some government other than his own, so he is bringing it back to Venezuela.  It most likely will be used to finance his re-election campaign.

That is a lot of gold, but here is some real chump change.  It is reportedly the “largest gold coin” ever minted.  Let’s see you hide this one under the bed.

Los Angeles and several other cities around the country are reporting a new rise in robberies in area’s that deal specifically with gold.  With the price in the near $2K range, it just seems to bring out the worst in people.

In Cherokee country, Georgia for instance, they now require all gold buyers to fingerprint sellers and send their names to the sheriffs office.  Los Angeles police say jewelry-store owners aren’t the only ones who should be worried; they’re also warning members of the public “against flaunting their bling.”

Here in Oklahoma, we do not have this problem, our life savings consisting of a Folgers Coffee Can filled with spare change are well hidden and cleverly disguised, on top of the refrigerator in the kitchen.

A 61 year old beach lifeguard is suing New York state, claiming he was fired for refusing to wear a skin tight Speedo swimsuit.  He worked at Jones Beach for over 40 years before being told he must take his annual test in Speedo.  His answer?  “I wore a speedo when I was in my 20’s.  But come on.  There should be a law prohibiting anyone over the age of 50 from wearing a Speedo.”

Last year we were in Florida, and I could not even go down to the beach.

All the little kids would grab me by my ankles and started yelling to each other …. “Get him in the water before he dies!”  Then there is the matter of tan lines …  but we are not going there … No sir.  I have to agree, keep the banana slings for the younger set.  (Hey, don’t blame me.  WordPress.com says that your page is much, much more interesting with pictures!)

If you are still not convinced … For all you middle-aged-die-hards that want to look better in one of these, we have provided a link for you.  It’s all there … HOW TO LOOK BETTER IN  A SPEEDO … HOW TO INCREASE YOUR BULGE IN A SPEEDO … HOW TO WEAR A SPEEDO … HOW TO FIT INTO A BOY’S SPEEDO .. HOW TO LEARN TO SWIM IN  A SPEEDO AND LAST … SPEEDO ETIQUETTE.  Just click on the photo and make a wish.

(Speaking of making a wish?  Nice blend, yeah I know … Thanks)

Has anyone seen Tinker belle?

A Mexican man has captured what he says is a real-life fairy and preserved it in formaldehyde.  He says he was picking guavas when he saw something he initially thought was a firefly.  When he caught it, he saw an inch-long red-and-yellow humanoid creature, and “I know that it was a fairy godmother.”  (made me wonder if he has seen Elvis or any UFO’s lately?)

He hasn’t explained why it died.

Hundreds of local peasants have lined up to pay him to see preserved fairy in a glass bottle, which some say looks incredibly like a plastic toy.  Good lesson here.  If you catch a fairly, make sure you poke some air-holes in the bottle and do not pick guavas without a suitable head covering, when the sun gets high in the sky.

Here is a classic from the … Please don’t talk to me I am stupid files.

Long Beach, California police arrested a man for taking a photograph of “no aesthetic value.”  The man who takes photos for a local newspaper, was detained after snapping shots of an oil refinery.  Police say photography is considered “suspicious activity” if officers determine that it isn’t “regular tourist behavior.”

And you thought The Patriot Act or Sarah Palin was scary?

Consider this.

Rick Perry has never lost an election in 27 years of holding public office in Texas.  Might pay to remember .. “A politician is a man who will double-cross that bridge when he comes to it.”  When I look at this guy and then I think back to George Wubya, well, it just kind of curls the hair on the back of my neck.

Bar Hopping for dummies 101 ….

A new smartphone app guides drinkers to the closest purveyor of beer, and can be calibrated for favorite brand and cheapest price.  When asked what this app should be called, these were the clear cut winners.

EinStein
Head-hunter
IHops

I’ll drink to that …  Hump Day!  Hang in there wage slaves, you almost have it made.

OOO

June 6, 2011

Monday Morning Re-Mix

Filed under: Life,Oklahoma,Recent — ldsrr91 @ 5:15 AM
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Nice to get outta town, if only for a few days.  One thing about the weekend, if it had not been available to me before this, I surely would have had to invent it, in order to get by.  It is great to have this all too short period of time to recharge and get going again, don’t you agree?

Sitting here enjoying the first cup of coffee for the day, it is not all that good.  We usually stop at Walmart and purchase bottled water int he jug, distilled water, for our coffee as the water here in the country is loaded with calcium.

Which in turn makes the coffee taste awful by most standards.

Frog water is good don’t get me wrong, but when it is hard water, it isn’t all that great.

Kind of difficult to type this morning also, having not sat a a keyboard in about a week, it feels a little strange or unrecognized.  I am surfing around catching up on “the news.”  Which of course isn’t all that great, some of it is amusing.  A teenager decided to have a teen-party so she posts it on Facebook, but neglects to put a filter or something on it and 1,500 people show up!  Article says she “flees the area to avoid all of the guests who showed up.” I even ran across this little ditty where some teenager decided to sell a kidney in order to get an Ipod.  I mean what is the world coming to?

On a sad note, a man drowned in California while his tax paid rescuers did nothing but stand on the sand and watch.  What has this country come to?  This all happened in Alameda, a city in Northern California, that ought to be waking up this morning thoroughly ashamed of itself.  Two Long Island teens were killed after falling into a cesspool after becoming overcome by fumes (NY Daily News – Local News).  A beauty queen Katya Koren stoned to death by Muslims for being in pageant, it was a pretty nasty weekend for some.  They even came across a homeless person pushing a shopping cart loaded with “body parts” down in Los Angeles this weekend.

Makes you kind of glad you stayed home eh?

Now I also got some pretty interesting Emails during this time period or absence, here is one that I found especially touching.

Dear God, please send clothes for all those poor ladies on grandpa’s computer.
Amen

Not much going on today, have to get back into the swing of things, the property requires attention, the grass did not take a week off and it will be requiring some tender-loving-care (TLC).  Temperature is supposed to hit the century mark today (100*) and it would be a good idea to get R done early.  This is the time of the year, when it heats up and we have to do things early in the morning in order go beat the heat.  The time of the year when it gets so incredibly hot that if you come across a dog chasing a cat … there is the good chance that both of them are gonna be walking.

And finally, as is my habit, I have saved the best for last.

An Arizona Department of Safety Officer pulled over a pick-up truck owner for a faulty taillight. When the officer approached the driver, the man behind the wheel handed the officer his driver’s license, insurance card and a concealed weapon carry permit.

The officer took all the documents, looked them over and said. “Mr. Smith, I see you have a CCP. Do you have any weapons with you?”

The driver replied, ” Yes sir, I have a 357 handgun in a hip holster, a .45 in the glove box and a .22 derringer in my boot.”

The officer looked at the driver and asked, “Anything else?”

“Yes sir, I have a Mossberg 500 12 gauge and an AR-15 behind the seat.”

The officer asked if the man was driving to or from a shooting range and the man said he wasn’t, so the officer bent over and looked into the driver’s face and said “Mr. Smith, you’re carrying quite a few guns.  May I ask what you are afraid of? Mr. Smith locked eyes with the officer and calmly answered,  ”Not a ____ thing!”

Have a great week and try and stay cool if it is humanely possible.

OOO

A special thanks to Chopper Scott and Art for todays post input.

May 18, 2011

Incoming! Exploding Desert.

Filed under: Life,Oklahoma — ldsrr91 @ 4:52 AM
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Just when you think you have seen and read it all, something new comes along to shake up that theory.  Yesterday I got an email about exploding watermelons in China.  Some bozo decides to induce growth, so he puts it or injects it (I am not really sure) into his melons.  They in turn start growing.  Evidently at a “explosive rate” and actually do explode.  A couple of years ago, we ran an article about kids and potato cannons on the southside of town, but this one, well, this one is something new.

Chines consumers here lately have been frightened by new revelations of tainted food.  Just this year alone inspectors have found “salted duck eggs containing cancer-causing dyes, artificial honey, fake wine, donkey-hide gelatin, waste oil, sulfur steamed ginseng, plaster tofu, dyed bread” and other tainted food products.  I don’t think that even Paula Deen from the food channel would be able to make any of the above editable or attractive for that matter.

I was thinking about Chinese Food for lunch today, but after reading this, I may have to re-think my position on that one.

The American economy continues to slide downward and things are not looking up.  One thing that really hacks me off is this practice of all the “wise men” in Congress who are blaming the voters for the fiscal crisis.  Recently they have taken it upon themselves to claim that selfish shortsighted voters have caused the U.S. budget deficit and economic meltdown by clamoring for goodies they couldn’t pay for.  When the simple truth is that our current woes were caused by foolish policies promoted by the policy elite, not ordinary voters.

It is still the economy, stupid.

Here is something else, I don’t understand.  This new business practice of asking what you are going to do with something when you go to purchase it?  I mean, “Why do I have to tell some salesperson what it is that I am going to do with the product, when you are purchasing it for your own use?”  You go in, you politely ask, “Do you have a 3/8” giggy-gabber?” and the clerk looks at you and says, “What are you putting it on?”

Like it is his some of his business or something.  Just give me what I ask for, and forget the third degree.

Almost half of all the adults in Detroit (something like 47%) are now considered functionally illiterate, a new study released this week says.  Now this brings up an interesting dilemma, if you live there and you have car trouble for instance, who is going to fix it for you?  What about medical issues, technical items in your home, who repairs these?  And the other thing I find disturbing about this, is the study went on to say that only 40% of the people interviewed and are unable to read, have made attempts to learn how.

In a small way, I find some comfort in all of this.  I have said for years, “there is no incentive in this country to learn to read and write English, as we coddle to every race of people who come to this country, by printing up everything in their language and not ours.”  Take California for instance, they print the ballot up in 13 languages besides English.  Now we have all these people who cannot read nor write.

It appears that our chickens have come home to roost.

Found out this week that John Travolta does his shopping at WalMart and is a regular customer there.  Arnold “the gover-nator” has a love child and told the house maid, “I will be back.”  Maria moved out, that is a new one, it is usually the guy who moves out.  And a Florida woman was bombarded with telephone calls after a another woman with a similar name won $2 million on the lottery in that state.  Reach out, reach out and bug somebody!

Now that would be a new one, someone calling you and begging you for money, simply because you have some.

Remember the good old days when you stood around and listened to all of this Yackty-Yack on the cellphones.  It was everywhere, in the lines at the bank, the post office, in the dark spaces of the movie theaters.  People talking on cellphones, sharing every rancid lurid detail of their feckless lives in public.  Now that has been replaced, it is the din of texting, the talking has been replaced by the clicking sound, people pecking away at their little tiny back-lit screens text messaging each other.  Gone are the herd mentality days.

We have turned into a nation of hive dwellers, humming along, in our inane insect manner, typing away with all this impotent information.  Perhaps it is true when they say:  “People can live longer without food than without information.”  Arthur C. Clark.

CNN reported this week that 61% of most Americans say they believe Osama Bin Forgotten is in Hell.  10% say he is not in Hell, 24% are unsure, and 5% say they don’t believe in Hell.  Which brings me to the end of todays post and wondering …. “Why would anyone in Hell even care where he is?”

Now take me for instance, I don’t waste my time wondering where some scum-bag is spending eternity, I devote myself to important matters like, “Where did she hide those donuts?”  Now if you will excuse me, I am going into the kitchen and get me a bowl of donkey-hide gelatin.

So much for Wednesday …..

OOO

May 2, 2011

Long Life … Maybe

Filed under: humor,Life,Oklahoma — ldsrr91 @ 6:33 AM
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It is a bad week to be a manager at Applebee’s in Michigan.  The restaurant has apologized for serving a toddler tequila other than apple juice.  His mother said she knew something was amiss when her 15 month old son started say “Hi and Bye to the walls” and that he eventually laid his head down on the table.

The poor kid was later found to have a blood alcohol level of 0.10 which would make him legally drunk in a lot of states if he were driving.  Applebee’s has promised a full investigation, this should come before the court case and the litigation.

I know this is a serious thing, don’t get me wrong.

But it kind of reminds me of my dad, who was an alcoholic.  When we were small children, he would make my sister and I “Hot Toddies” (Egg Nog, Jack Daniels, Cinnamon, warmed and served in a small decorative glass) at Christmas time.  We (my sister and I) didn’t know the drinks had booze in them, and they were sweet and tasted simply wonderful.  As small dinkers, we just assumed they were “part of the Christmas tradition” in our home.  We didn’t know our dad was getting us swacked.

Mom would come home from work and exclaim, “Jeeze Loren, the kids sure seem to be in a good mood?” and he would shrug his shoulders and say something like … “Aw, it’s Christmas, you know how they get.”

Speaking of kids.  (Nice blend eh?)  Sarah Palin’s daughter, Bristol, was paid $262,500 in 2009 by the Candie’s Foundation to help raise awareness about teen pregnancy.  The nonprofit foundation, which took in $1.7 million in donations, gave a total of $356,000 to groups trying to lower teen-pregnancy rates.  That is a pretty good payday by anyone’s standard.

The wife and I were talking about it and we both agreed.

With today’s economy where it is (currently in the dumper) if we were to have another child, it would have to be born 18 years of age … because it is going to have to go to work right away … if it can find a job that is.

China has a problem.  China believe it or not, is running out of room to bury the 9 million Chin4se who die each year, and is urging people to choose cremation and bury ashes at sea or under trees.  Which might be okay in China, but you cannot do it in California the tree hugger state, that would be illegal there.

When I die, I am going to have the wife bury me 8 feet down, which confused her, she said, “Why eight feet, most people are buried at six feet down.  Why do you want to be buried two feet lower?”

I told her that was because, “she could say, deep down, I was a good guy.”  (Yeah I know, whadya expect for free?)

On most days she is the president of my fan club, but there are times I know that she is going to bury me face down, so the grandkids will have a place to park their bicycles.  We all know that we are going to die … but the majority of us … well, we just fail to believe it.  I always think of George Burns.  His wife asked him on his death bed if he had any kind of notion as to where he wanted to be buried, where he would like to spend eternity.

He just looked at her and said, “I don’t know … Just surprise me.”

Over the weekend I read where the eight hour week has died.  It has become obsolete as American companies pressure employee’s for productivity and require them to work even longer days to increase the bottom line. (and of course, increase CEO bonus payments, up some 12% over last year, which was by the way, a record year in its own)  We were always told “Work Hard to get ahead.”

Turns out this is not a good deal, as the employees may pay the ultimate price for overworking.  If you work consistent 11 hour days, you have a 67 percent higher risk of heart attack than those who logged a moderate 7 to 8 hours.  Ten hour workdays produced a 45 percent higher risk.

Me?

Well you know me, I am gonna take it easy and live longer.  I no longer have those wake up its early, comb your hair, wash your face its dirty, eat your eggs and oatmeal rush to work blues.  I don’t have to dress for success and I have plenty of room for any left over Chinese dearly departed, send ‘em on (I need the gas money).  So there you are, watch what your kids drink and of course, hard work will kill you, remember that, this Monday as you gulp down your not so fresh cup of luke warm fast food convenience store coffee and rush to work.

Tell everyone at the water cooler I said “Hello.”

OOO

April 13, 2011

Had To Happen

Filed under: humor,Life,Oklahoma — ldsrr91 @ 5:14 AM
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Bought my fuel yesterday and it came to $79.02 which of course “shocked me somewhat.”  I have to admit, I was not ready for that, later on during the trip to town I amused myself by imagining that “I am only steps away from a one-hundred dollar tankful.”  Who in their wildest dreams would have ever imagined such a thing.  Certainly … not me.

smiling ladies

Some things and I suppose, people, age well.  Some things I suppose, like people, just get old.  Get cantankerous, out of sorts, and hard to deal with.  I often fall into that second category.  I didn’t fare all that well last week in the smile department, but this week, I am going to do better.  I am going to make a “concentrated effort to smile more, amuse myself, cheer up even if it kills me.”

This past week I have been suffering thru irritable male syndrome.  My testosterone levels have been lower than a New Orleans levy at flood stage and my brain, the part of my brain that is in charge of basic’s such as functioning, emotions, behavior, have been strangely out to lunch for most of the week.

The mere thought of me smiling about anything here lately, is as foreign to me as Obama speaking in Farsi when he begs for more oil.  I desperately want to smile, just isn’t all that much of a humorous nature here lately.  But I am gonna do better.

I have made up my mind that I AM GOING TO GO FOR IT!

Perhaps I need to get more sleep, that might be the problem.  I am finding out as I age, I need at least 8 hours of sleep a day, and 10 hours at night.  Sleep is the best thing, and the cheapest thing available to me these days.  I love to sleep, the best of two worlds, you get to be alive and unconscious at the same time.  And on some days, you can actually work in a nap.

That makes me smile.

It is not easy to say exactly what makes one box of odds and ends a valuable antique, and what makes another box a piece of junk.   But the thought of tossing one (out of our garage, which is full of the trash of man) into a dumpster …. That makes me smile.  It might be that throwing stuff away that is cluttering up your home is a cathartic experience that just feels good.  That too, makes me smile.

The mere thought of it upsetting the little woman’s applecart, that is just an added bonus … Hey, we are on a roll.

Not being able to yell out “Oh boy!” in Jonesboro, Georgia, or finding out that unrestrained giggling on the street is illegal in Helena, Montana; those insane laws make me smile.  It is illegal in the state of Oklahoma to tie your ass up within 50 ft of a courthouse, ass meaning donkey.  Which would be appropriate term for anyone drafting such legislation or allowing it to remain on the books.  Purchasing a new car for thousands of dollars in order to save hundreds on gas … that makes me smile.

When they announce on the news that they have busted some hooker and she has a black book that is full of politicians names …… that makes me smile.

Reading in the paper that the longest earthworm ever found in the world measured 22 ft. from head to toe, that makes me smile, I mean, where would one ever use stupid useless information like that?  Did you know that the word Mascara, a cosmetic applied to darken eyelashes comes from the Spanish word ma’scara, which in terms come from the Italian maschera, both of which mean, appropriately, “mask.”  The root of the words however come for Arabic maskharah, which means buffoon or clown.

Which is what I would be if I lived in San Francisco and used the stuff, that makes me smile.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t have all the answers, and ninety percent of the time, I completely forget the questions.  My family physician told me that I have something he called Attention Deficit Disorder.  He said, “A.D.D. is a complex disorder, blah, blah, blah.”  I didn’t pay much attention to the rest of it.

This friend of mine, who happens to be from California, is back here to visit with the family.  We went out to eat yesterday and he said during lunch, “If you were to go camping out in the woods, and someone, late at night, snuck into your tent and molested you would you tell anyone about it?” And I thought about it a minute, and replied, “No way.  I don’t want no one to know something that terrible happened to me!” He smiled and then said ……… “You wanna go fishin’ this weekend?” ….

That … Makes me smile.

So as you can see, I am just about clueless.  Happy and stupid this morning, pour me another cup of that coffee and don’t worry about my road rage, I will take care of it. I don’t have any idea what makes some people smile and others to frown.  I don’t know why some people consistently have a “nice day” and others never seem to see it materialize.

This morning, at this very moment, I am smiling a great deal, because the computers’ ISP is down, the stoooopid computer doesn’t know this, and it keeps trying to update me, download me, and is getting frustrated as all get-out (Okie Expression) because it is not being allowed to function in a rational manner.  It has sent me numerous dialogue boxes and/or messages asking  that I re-establish the link.

Mid week, I get this letter from my “friendly State Farm Agent” and it says, rather tersely, “our records indicate that your present telephone number is no longer 405- **** and that number is no longer your number.  Please inform us of your new number immediately and any other cell phone numbers that you have.”

Yeah right, I don’t “immediately” do anything for anyone, yet alone a stinking insurance company.  Tossing that into the trash bin … that makes me smile.

And last but not least.  I think about all of my Amigo’s from down south.  The mere thought of knowing I have all these wonderful people coming to this country each and everyday and they are depending on me …. Now that … Believe it or not …  That makes me smile!

OOO

January 31, 2011

It Must Be Monday

Filed under: Life,Oklahoma,politics — ldsrr91 @ 11:12 AM
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

 

The wind blows hard this morning, it comes roaring across the plains with a vengeance, carrying it with bitter cold.  I don’t know where it is has been, but it has been blowing across snow, it tears at the corner of my eye, and it chills me to the marrow of my bone.  I secretly long to be somewhere else.

This time of the year, it is hard to find that ideal spot in life, that pleasing place, where everything is right.  Back east my friends are still covered in snow, locked down and the first stages of Cabin Fever seem to be rearing its ugly head.  I stop to think about it all, things could be a lot worse for myself.

I count my blessings.

A bad week to be a football fan, at least in Washington state that is.  A Washington state middle schooler was sent home for wearing the wrong NFL jersey.  His school which has an official uniform last week, allowed students to wear Seattle Seahawks jerseys for a team-appreciation day.  Grendon Bailie, who is 13 years old, wore the jersey of his beloved Pittsburg Steelers and was told to change or be suspended.  His only comment was:  “Not everyone is a Seahawks fan.”

It is not easy being a thirteen year old these days.

A Houston Texas couple was told to stop feeding the homeless because they do not have a permit.  The couple had been feeding up to 120 people per night, using donated food prepared by volunteers.  But City officials, in their infinite wisdom, decided to shut down the program because the kitchen isn’t inspected and certified.  Their collective reasoning was that “poor people are the most vulnerable to food-borne illness.”   Which is kind of like saying “Homeless people are lucky, they get to camp out every night.”   Let’s form a committee and pool our ignorance, Houston you have a problem.

I guess it is best to just let them starve too death.

Good news!  Do you desire to have healthy skin?  British researchers found that eating five more portions of fruit and vegetables a day raises carotid levels and gives skin a golden tone, making people look healthier and more attractive.  My skin, is not all that pretty, I don’t normally think in terms of “skin care.”  Does the word “well preserved” readily come to mind here?

At my age I figure I would have to eat a dump-truck load of carrots, just to be considered “good looking.”

It also appears I may have to go back to dressing for success in order to look good.  Believe it or not, it pays off.  Lady Gaga and her ridiculous getups, are projected to make $100 million this year.  In my minds eye, I can still remember my mother standing there and saying to me, “I am NOT going to pay $4.05 for a pair of Levi’s!”

Life moves on.

Former Kalifornia Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger calculated that he lost roughly $200 million in box-office receipts by serving in government instead of making movies.  “It was more than worth it,” Arnold said.  Yeah?  Try taking that to Cracker Barrel for a cup of coffee and an order of Chicken N Dumplings.

Things are warming up down under.  This week it was announced that a group of Austrian undertakers said that they planned to funnel the excess heat generated by the crematorium next door into their new headquarters, so as to not waste energy.

I have saved the boring but important stuff for last.

This past week, President Obama ordered a regulatory review of all Federal departments.  He issued an executive order directing federal departments “to root out those agencies that have rules that conflict, are not worth the cost, or are just plain dumb.”

The main snag or hangup here, would be where do you start?

Our president went on to say (now this one is a hoot), government rules strengthen our country without unduly interfering with the economy.  And he went on further to say that although there are obvious gaps in the regulatory framework, it all seems to be working just peachy, and everything is going just swell.

 

Filled up lately Mr. President?

 

A Massachusetts cat has been summoned for jury duty, after it was listed by its owner on the census form.  The cat received his summons, the cats owner said she contacted the jury commission to request disqualification on the grounds that Sal’s language skills  are limited.  And I suppose that he could be considered racist, as it was rumored that he definitely did not like dogs.  It has to be true, I mean, I read it on the Internet.

Sit back, take a deep breath, and relax … Spring is just around the corner, it will be here before you know it.

OOO

Cartoons courtesy of Center for American Progress

December 15, 2010

I Know It’s True … It Was On The Net

Filed under: Oklahoma,Recent — ldsrr91 @ 5:29 AM
Tags: , , ,

mailbox

At the turn of the century in America, coal miners carried a small bird cage with a canary inside deep down into the mines.  This was their form of life insurance, when the air turned bad, the bird died, and the men knew immediately that there was methane or deadly gas in the mine.

The canary was the precursor to bad times, as long as the canary stayed healthy, the miners were okay.  Today of course, modern electronic’s and devices in the form of “air quality sniffers” have taken over this hefty responsibility.

If I did have a canary with me around here someplace, I am fairly sure it would not be singing, most likely it would be found in the bottom of the cage with both legs sticking straight up into the air!  Midweek, I have been hoping, almost praying, that it would get better.

But it just keeps unraveling on me at a rapid pace.  Things are not swell, and the pace seems to be escalating.  Desperately I seek some kind of solace in the fact that I am receiving mail.  Perhaps some good news for a change?  We get letters … We get letters … We get lot’s and lot’s of letters! Most always something unique and interesting in the mail.

Take yesterday for instance, I got this little ditty, one of my steadfast-loyal-correspondents who is consistently trying to “set me straight” sent it to me.

It read “California is going broke, which state will be next” blah, blah, yadda-yadda. I quickly recognized it as something that had been floating around (literally years ago) on the net, so I dutifully replied, “This is bogus, it was on the net a long time ago, and it is not true.” Promptly within ten minutes, I get this reply and it matter of factually states, “No it isn’t.  I saw it on the news last night.”

So I go over to Snopes.com type it in search, bring up the necessary data that shows “clearly that it was first reported in the Los Angeles Times in 2002″ and that it is a rumor going around on Email.  All these things just seem to have a life of their own, they never seem to fade off into the sunset.

Because it is a slow day, it is cold and somewhat dreary, because I see some frost on the pumpkin, I realize that I cannot sit on the porch and bask in the sun.  I do a quick cut and paste, and I send it back to her, with the note “What news?  Are you watching FOX?  Here is the straight poop on it, you decide.”

And then I email the data to her.

Twenty minutes passes this time and then I get ……… “I don’t care if it is wrong or not, I am going to believe it!” … all of which was in CAPITAL LETTERS in order to emphasize I suppose.


I hate Email.

OOO

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