Creative Endeavors, The Home of BoxcarOkie.com

January 22, 2009

Naysayer Clarion Call

Filed under: Oklahoma,politics,Recent — ldsrr91 @ 12:01 AM
Tags: , , , ,

As it is always our intention to make you (our readership) the best informed and the most positive group of internet subscribers, here are some statistics for you on the Bush Administration.

Please be forewarned that these are “real statistics” and they are NOT funny.

Here are the numbers from the market indexes and the national debt from when Bush took office through January 19th, 2009.  The national debt is from October 1st, 2001 when his first budget took effect up through last Friday.  His last budget will not end until September 30th, 2009.

Dow Jones Industrial Average January 20th, 2001:

  • 1/20/01—10,587.59
  • 1/19/09—8,281.22  Down 21.8%

S&P 500 Index January 20th, 2001:

  • 1/20/01—1,342.54
  • 1/19/09—850.12   Down 36.6%

NASDAQ January 20th, 2001:

  • 1/20/01—2,770.38
  • 1/19/09—1,529.33  Down 44.8%

National Debt September 30th, 2001:

  • 9/30/01—$5.807 Trillion
  • 1/16/09—$10.627 Trillion   Up 83%

(Bush’s last budget will not end until 9/30/09).

Meanwhile in an effort to curb the National Debt, a new federally mandated Novelty License Tag has been proposed by the Republican Party, as a way of remembering these stellar achievements in good government over the past several years.  The price will be $6.99 per tag and multiple orders will be shipped the same day, for free.  All proceeds are to go to the Federal Treasury or the first scum-bag banker or lobbyist that shows up.

NEW TAGS FOR THE YEARS UP AND UNTIL ’08

01. Bush: End of an Error
02. That’s OK, I Wasn’t Using My Civil Liberties Anyway
03. Let’s Fix Democracy in this Country First
04. If You Want a Nation Ruled By Religion, Move to Iran
05. Bush — Like a Rock — Only Dumber.
06. If You Can Read This, You’re Not Our President.
07. Of Course It Hurts: You’re Getting Screwed by an Elephant
08. Hey, Bush Supporters: Embarrassed Yet?
09. George Bush: Creating the Terrorists Our Kids Will Have to Fight
10. Impeachment: It’s Not Just Oral Sex Anymore
11. America: One Nation, Under Surveillance
12. They Call Him “W” So He Can Spell It
13. Whose God Do You Kill For?
14. Jail to the Chief — At Least Nixon Resigned
15. No, Seriously, Why Did We Invade Iraq?
16. Bush: God’s Way of Proving Intelligent Design is Full Of Crap
17. Bad President! No Banana.
18. We Need a President Who’s Fluent In At Least One Language
19. We’re Making Enemies Faster Than We Can Kill Them
20. Is It Vietnam Yet?
21. Bush Doesn’t Care About White People, Either
22. Where Are We Going? And Why Are We In This Hand Basket?
23. You Elected Him. You Deserve Him.
24. Dubya, Your Dad Shoulda Pulled Out, Too
25. When Bush Took Office, Gas Was $1.46
26. Pray For Impeachment
27. The Republican Party: Our Bridge to the 11th Century
28. What Part of “Bush Lied” Don’t You Understand?
29. One Nation Under Clod
30. Bush Never Exhaled

Not to be out done on this, the Democrats quickly announced that they are going to start in with their own project, decorative yard signs.  As you know in America, we have plenty of signs:  Stay off the Grass — No Smoking — Keep Out — Right on Red — Foreclosed/Out of business — I Never Had Sex With That Woman and they seem to work fairly well.

The Democrats are proposing for the low price of only $10.99 you can purchase a sign to put in your front yard that reads:  Murder Strictly Prohibited — No Raping People — Thank You For Not Kidnapping Anyone — No Water Boarding. (The last one comes in a plain brown wrapper and there is no return address on the package)

The Democrats are also contending that they will too have a list of Novelty lic. tags featured, they are going to start with Teddy Kennedy and Nancy Polsei work their way down, this will be announced later.

Get your orders in early and beat the rush (while you still have money) be the first person on your block to own the entire set.

000

January 17, 2009

Chilly America

Filed under: Oklahoma,Recent — ldsrr91 @ 1:17 AM
Tags: , , , , , , ,

winter-map

Back home and it is cold.  Been an interesting week.  Life is so good to me, now I can vividly remember when George Bush gave his “final-final-this is really it-goodbye speech.”  I stared at the television and thought to myself, “I cannot believe this nightmare is finally winding down and he is truly going to go away.”

Visibly frustrated beyond belief, I wanted to take off my shoe and throw it at him, but unfortunately, we pawned our last pair of shoes on Wednesday to buy some groceries.

We Have Closed Our Stinking Springs!

Idaho Falls Idaho – Federal officials said they will redraw a map that mistakenly includes part of an eastern Idaho ski area as closed to people. The Bureau of Land Management’s Stinking Springs winter wildlife closure map includes 66 acres of Kelly Canyon Ski Resort. Closures are intended to help reduce wildlife interactions with humans during the tough winter months.

Are You Water-boarding My Wife?

Kind of a slow day, think I will drive down to my wife’s employer and ask them a question.  “Each morning I bring to you my wife, she is fresh, she is smiling, she is in a good mood.  The woman that I love radiates with good will and energy.  At four P.M. I come to pick her up, and you deliver to me, the She Cat From Hell!  What are you people doing to her anyway?”

Sarah Palin Is Mad At The Media

Sarah announced this week that she has had it with bloggers and the media, then she turned around to complain to …… Yeppers … The media.  It will be great when her new book comes out this spring, then we will finally find out the truth on all this.  Don’t you just love it when they write a novel or a book, then we get to find out if the person had past lives where she was an explorer of the frozen north, an empress who tried to seduce a king, a priestess of politics or a maxi-pad.

New Action Figure in West Palm Beach

West Palm Beach Florida – A man with a visible potbelly – and a memorable disguise – tried without success to haul away two different ATMs over the past two weeks, the Palm Beach County Sheriff’s Office said.  Security video from the ATMs showed the man dressed in a black ninja outfit with a hood that revealed only his eyes.

What?  The Great American Prairie is empty?

Bismarck South Dakota – Officials in the state’s largest cities are trying to find places to put all the snow. In Bismarck, a pile in the parking lot at the Famous Dave’s barbecue restaurant is nearly 20 feet high. Manager Shane Frank said workers have had to shoo neighborhood children off the newfound sledding hill for fear of injuries.  It works the same way with a pile of sand on the driveway in the summertime.

Kids are after all … kids.

On the other end of the country, frustration was mounting in Spokane, Washington after freak winter storms buried the normally arid eastern Washington city under six feet of snow.  This has snarled traffic, disrupted garbage collections, and frayed the tempers and nerves of many residents.  Police are now reporting incidents of “Snow Rage.”  One man allegedly shot at a snow plow operator simply for honking at him.

Not Right Now Honey … The Game Is On.

A group of U.S. congressmen asked House Speaker Nancy Pelosi to rearrange the voting schedule so that they could watch a football game.  In a note to Pelosi to “kindly consider” rescheduling votes so that he and other lawmakers could attend the national title game between Florida and Oklahoma.  Pelosi’s office denied the request.

Oklahoma choked and blew it, but if you bet on Florida, you came out alright.  Anytime Oklahoma goes to a bowl game, bet the other side, because Sooners they like to party too much the night before.

Holier than thou, or at least, taller.

A small Brazilian farming town announced plans this week to erect a statue of a 128 foot tall Jesus.  This is 4 feet taller than the country’s famous Christ the Redeemer in Rio de Janeiro.  Here is a miracle for you.  A supposedly paraplegic Mexican woman who’d been begging for change from her wheelchair jumped up and ran down the street when a security guard saw her trying to augment her income by breaking into a store.

Can You Spare A Dime

You ever notice that the beggar on the street corner always has a smoke?  Cigarettes selling for $4 a pack and higher in some areas of the country, but they always seem to have one.  And last week, a totally new wrinkle.  Standing there on the corner with the customary cardboard sign that says “stranded — homeless — anything will help” and he reaches into his shirt pocket, fishes out a cellphone and takes a call.

I believe I have seen it all.  No!  I Don’t Have A Quarter!

While we are on the subject (cell phones).  Clermont Florida – Brad Cox is lucky to have an unlimited text messaging plan. His daughter, Emilee, 14, sent or received more than 35,000 messages a month twice in the past year, a volume confirmed by Sprint. Emilee’s big month was June, when she tallied 35,463 text messages, about 1,182 a day. She attributed the spike to trading messages with friends while at cheerleading camp.  Here is a probable candidate for either carpal syndrome or a brain tumor for sure.

Obama Fever Grips The Nation

Just A Few Days Until The Celebration

The country is gearing up for its “Day In History” and the huge celebration in Washington DC.  This should be some shin-dig for sure.  Dancin’ In The Streets — The whole nine yards.  We in the Heartland will be tucked back into our warm cocoons and will watch in comfort and warmth from our living rooms.  At my age, that is the only type of history I am capable of celebrating.  Living in about the “reddest state in the nation” I am all too familiar with the drill.

Two Oklahoma farmers were discussing politics and the first one says: “I believe in a share and share alike policy. One where we are all equal.”

“Well” replied the other farmer “I’m not sure about that. What you mean is that if you have two horses you’d give me one?”

“Of course” says the first.  The second farmer continued: “And if you had two cars, you’d give me one of them too?”

“Absolutely”

“So” says the second farmer, “if you had two pigs then you’d give me one of them?”

“Ah, now hang on a minute” says the first farmer, “you know I’ve got two pigs!”

000

January 15, 2009

Back Of The Lot

Filed under: Oklahoma,Recent — ldsrr91 @ 3:47 AM
Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

kwTruckstop Elegies.

Back of the lot, the quiet part of the place, and I find myself once again swimming in familiar waters, I am at home here, I am at ease.  I used to be a trucker, although this breed here now, is totally different.

Been doing a little reading, some idle time staring out the window, relaxing.  I am finishing up on Management Principles of Attila The Hun and will move onto some other suitable written fare.

I have another waiting in the wings, “Snark:  It’s mean, it’s personal and it’s ruining our conversation.” Simon & Schuster, 122 pgs, about $16  written by David Deny.  It is about the Internet and the Cheap Shot everyone seems to want to take these days, may be pretty good, I will let you know.  Hey it beats the news, nothing good in the news here lately, except for Ol’ Shorty leaving town … He sure is taking a long time to say good-bye.

Nice to just be able to sit back and read a little, get away from the house, the television set, the barking dogs, and the ghetto bird (Police helicopter overhead). Weather is better here, not real cold, like up state in Oklahoma.

I am reminded of a trip about four years ago, some fifteen days in nature, a little over 3,000 miles and we NEVER turned the Television in the RV on one time. We just sit here in our old clunker and minded our own business, both of us into our rituals.  At peace with the world.

Ah peace — nothing quite like it.

Y’know, Attila was a pretty nasty dude, don’t believe I would like to be on his bad side. Nowadays, people don’t get really bad sounding names, it is just not “Politically Correct” or something.

You can no longer have a Alexander The Great, Or Napoleon the Conquer, Ginghus Khan.  We have George Herbert Walker Bush, George W. Bush, Jeb Bush, nothing all that spectacular about any of those.

I wonder how old Shorty will be remembered, he certainly will not come under the heading of “Great.”  That is for sure, most likely “George The Mediocre” or “George The Storyteller” something like that, I think “Scumbag” has been already reserved.

Will history be kind to Bush, will he get his famous moniker?  I suppose it is fitting, super-hero’s get the super names, and feckless politicians get the rest, it seems only right.  If Bro George did achieve the status of a Super Hero (very doubtful) he would be required to wear his underwear on the “outside” of his costume.

I would almost bet the farm on that one.

Any of you remember that episode of Sienfield where George Kastanza double dipped the chip?  In that episode Kastanza double dips this chip into some dip and this other guy observes him do it and then the hostilities begin.  Some amusing stuff.

Turns out that there could be some validation to the stopping of this practice.  Personally I feel as if double dipping your chip into the communal bowl is just not cool.  Preliminary results from an international study indicates that double dipping can transfer up to 10,000 bacteria from a partygoer’s mouth to the salsa or guacamole bowl.

So consider this, “if you are at a party, and you are contemplating taking part in the festivities and the dip bowl, look around the room and ask yourself, would I be willing to kiss everyone here?”

I-don’t-think-so.com

Some of my friends are ragging me about “not calling them as much” and they have good reason, I am not using my cellphone all that much anymore.  We don’t have a land line, we have two cellphones, and that is it.  I keep reading all of these articles and studies on the cellphone and when I read that a Pittsburgh Cancer Institute recently warned all of its employee’s to stop the use of the phones or to cut back on their use because of brain tumors.  That was enough for me.  I am still using mine but it is on speaker phone and that is it, no more putting it up to the ear.

Better to be safe than sorry.

Anyone watch Sex In The City, a popular sitcom on television, believe they run it on Bravo Channel.  Then there is real life.  New Yorkers it seems are infected with STD’s and one in four have genital herpes.  Herpe’s is treatable, but once you get it, you are stuck with it, it doesn’t go away.  The virus can lead to bigger health problems.  Genital herpes will create a lot of sores in places that are, let us say are extremely uncomfortable, and it also fosters the spread of HIV.

Here is another new problem for men.  A recent study indicates that men do not perform well with “beautiful women” and contact with these beauties actually can lead to depression.  Looking at photos of models in bikinis in magazines such as Maxim and FHM made men feel unworthy of such beauties, and therefore inadequate and lonely.

Too many issues to deal with for me.

I am going to stay here in the Heartland and mind my own business, no sex in the city or Super Models for me, just the familiar Friday Night whining of “Why won’t you put on the Monkey Mask?  C’mon Honey!”

That works for me.

Been getting a lot of email concerning God and religion here lately, evidently everyone seems concerned about my heathenistic attitude and are worried about what is left of my soul.  If you want mail, lot’s of mail, just put up something vaguely mentioning God and/or religion and you will receive your fair share of mail.  And some of it will be good — and some of it will be from the nut jobs.

Be ready.

The back doors of the Mt. Olive Baptist Church exploded, and the room filled with excitement almost instantly.  One lady stood up and shrieked at the top of her lungs, “It is Satan, the Devil is here!” And people got up and started running for the nearest exits, the windows, over the pews, crawling over little children in their haste to evacuate the building.

Down at the front of the church, in the second pew, sat one lonely soul.

All alone in the empty building now, he didn’t seem all that concerned about it at all.  The Devil walked down the aisle, stood next to him, peered down and said, “Do you know who I am?”

The little man looked up, and said, “I sure do.  You are Satan, the Devil, that is who you are.” So then Satan says to him, “Why didn’t your run with the rest of those cowards?”

The little man looked up and said, “Hey man, I been married to your sister, for forty-three years.”

Later, me and the duck are gonna go for a walk now.

000

Related: Hammer Down

January 12, 2009

Gentle Thoughts

Filed under: Oklahoma,Recent — ldsrr91 @ 2:12 AM
Tags: , , , ,

It’s a lovely, lovely day in the neighborhood, everything is working out just fine.  Hi Boys & Girls, and how are you this fine, fine Monday morning?  Here is today’s lesson on civics.  It is not who you know, but what you know. That is what makes Homosapiens with opposing thumbs, different from the rest of the monkey’s in the zoo.

Today is the last day for my favorite knuckle dragger, the end of a dynasty is today.  No more metawork for our fist chief responder.  Metawork is the pursuit of trivial or unnecessary work that is done to avoid having to perform the real task at hand while simultaneously taking the credit for it.  In the business world, metawork often manifests itself in the form of meetings, mission statements, project planning, or anything else that lets a person become part of the team without actually doing something productive.

Whole new ballgame starting soon, the change is in the air, as we speak.

No more press conferences from a guy who’s name shall forever never be spoken.  We now have a better speller, snappier dresser, better writer/composer, sense of humor, someone who can speak and actually make sense, who possesses a working vocabulary, might even dream in color, and seems to relate well with others.

But then again, if you take a quick look at what we have had, it is apparent that just about anyone could fill his shoes.

I am for example kinder, gentler, cuddlier, somewhat affectionate, articulate, pragmatic, honest, moral, humble and not from Texas.  I am confident in my stature, posses an open, clean, unobstructed, garbage free mind, I therefore have the capacity of recognizing boundless opportunities in my life and openly share that with others, a positive trait by most standards.

Only one thing that stops me from being President of this country —

I smoked dope.

Yup, and unfortunately, I inhaled.

But putting that aside, most of the above mentioned traits makes me a pretty nice guy.  So as you can readily see — All the above separates me from he-who’s-name-is-never-to-be-spoken-again.  Which is safe to say, because you see, they broke the mold when they made me, I don’t resemble anyone on the face of the planet or in the next three counties.

Curse or blessing, you decide.  I don’t care, you know that.

Please remember that it is a lovely, lovely day in the neighborhood.  What is important here is that you have a great day!  May you get a clean bill of health from your dentist, your cardiologist, your gastro-enterologist, your urologist, your proctologist, your podiatrist, your psychiatrist, your plumber and the I.R.S..

May your hair, your teeth, your hairline, belly, your abs and your stocks not fall; and may your blood pressure, your tri-glycerides, your cholesterol, your white blood count and your mortgage interest not rise.

May this week find you seated around the table, together with your beloved family and cherished friends.  May you find the food better, the environment quieter, the cost much cheaper, and the pleasure much more fulfilling than anything else you might ordinarily do this day.

Still with me?  Well, bless your heart!

May what you see in the mirror delight you, and what others see in you delight them.  May someone love you enough to forgive your faults, be blind to your blemishes, and brave enough to tell the world of your virtues.

May those bothersome pesky telemarketers wait to make their sales calls until you have finished your dinner, may the commercials on TV not be louder than the program you have been watching, and may your check book and your budget balance — and include generous amounts for charity.

i-love-you1May you remember to say “I love you” at least once a day to your spouse, your child, your parent, your siblings; but not to your co-worker, your nurse, your masseuse, your barber or your tennis instructor (who by the way, is a person that “love” means nothing anyway).

May we all wake up tomorrow in a world that will try and celebrate peace and with the awareness of God’s love in every sunset, every flower’s unfolding petals, every baby’s smile, every lover’s kiss, and every wonderful, astonishing, miraculous beat of our hearts.

May we find the peace in our quiet moments of the day to thank God for the many blessing in our lives, of which, in case you have not noticed — I am one.  As I said, it is Monday, and —  It’s a lovely, lovely day in the neighborhood, everything is working out just fine.

Good-bye Dubya, I would like to say it has been fun, but it hasn’t.

000




January 10, 2009

Different Strokes

Filed under: Oklahoma,Recent — ldsrr91 @ 5:56 AM
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Please note:  As of today, right now, this moment … We are going to one post per day.

This is today’s post.


Reading the paper and it says that President Shrub and the First Lady are not going home right away after the inauguration.  They are flying to Midland Texas for a “welcome home celebration for Laura” this is her hometown. (You did notice I said it was for “Laura” and not for him)

So the cottage in Dallas is on hold for a little bit.  It is not a moving thing, as after eight years of Bush, there simply cannot be much left in Washington to take home.  It is a decorating issue.  The article goes on to say that they are not ready to move into the new diggs in Dallas as the painters have not finished up on the painting of the new residence.

Which struck me as strange, because you see I have never lived anywhere in my entire life where I had to wait on the movers, the painters, the plumbers or any other service people.  There is a very good reason for this, you see:

I am the painters, the plumber and those other service people.

Much like you, I am a Happy Home Owner and I am in charge of these responsibilities as I am not rich.  Only the wealthy are required to wait on the hired help, the rest of us do not share this luxury of life.

I am not wealthy, do not ever expect to be well-heeled as they say, and that is the name of that tune.  Having no real desire to be stinking rich, I will freely admit to aspiring to not minding smelling bad, but other than winning the lottery, I see no real hope of ever being considered rich and having to wait on a plumber or a painter anywhere at any time.

So you can see why it strikes me as odd, “having to wait on the painters” before moving in.

Same thing with flying, they fly everywhere they go, and to them it is matter of fact, “Old Hat.”  Too me it is a monumental hassle, take off your shoes, remove those nipple rings — bend over something is squeaking down there and setting the wand off!  And all of that is before we leave the house for the airport!

My wife takes this flying business rather seriously these days.

They don’t have to put up with any of that, they just get on the bird and whoosh …. Off they go.  Ah the perks of political importance and being with the in-crowd.  Flying is also very expensive, another pesky little detail that they do not have to put up with, they are flying on the cuff, the taxpayer pays for all their little junkets.

Jim Inhofe a Senator from our state is known for flying all around the world, he did close to $200,000 worth of it last year, he seems to have adopted the continent of Africa.  All of it on the taxpayer accounts and this is all they had documented, a lot of it was using military aircraft and there are no figures available for that.

Face it we are all little fish swimming in a big pond, and they are the big fish.  Well, I need to get off this jag, I am beginning to sound whiny, and I hate that when it happens.

So what is it here that is newsworthy, this Saturday morning?  As many of you know, Hillary Clinton was chosen to operate the apparatus that dropped the ball on New Years eve.  And it occurred to me, who would have been a better choice to have dropped the ball, than a Senate Democrat?

Sarah Palin says Caroline Kennedy is getting a media pass and she is upset with that.  That is news?  Sarah also has a new grandson, Tripp, or as the liberal news media calls him, “Fresh Meat.”

Barack Obama was recently named as “Man of the Year” by Time magazine, but Al Franken in Minnesota claims there might be enough unclaimed votes to support his contention of Man of the Year.

Went to Borders yesterday and picked up some new reading material:  Circumcision by Appointment, Urogential Manipulation — or life in Washington DC on the lobbyist trail.  I suppose when Bush goes home he will write one on Greek Rural Postmen and Their Cancellation numbers or how to Bombproof Your Horse, How to make it in life after squatting down with your spurs on — I can hardly wait.

Big time shaker out on the westcoast yesterday, something like 5.9 on the Richter scale.  It was felt in Los Angeles and all the way up to San Bernardino which is an area of about 55 miles.  They say animals can detect a quake before it hits.  My dad had a weenie dog named Fritz that could do it, he knew when they were coming and he would meet us all at the front door, flashlight in his mouth, and he had already changed the batteries!


Now here is why we are going to one post per day for an indefinite period of time or the end of the world, whichever comes first.


DuckyLast week or awhile back I discovered this little duck in my front yard, don’t have a clue as to where it came from or how it got there.  It wasn’t much of anything really, just this little lost, fluffy orphan, so I brought it inside the house and placed it in the warmth of my office, right next to the computer.

I got to thinking this week, “I bet this duck has never been out of town?” (Not really, I got to thinking it has been a long time since YOU have been out of town)  So I have decided to shut it down some and get out of Dodge for awhile.

Gasoline right now is cheap and I have just sunk my life savings into my truck [My Old Hoopie] to get it in good operating order.  One of the apparent benefits of not being gainfully employed is the ability to load up your favorite duck and head out.  ATM card in hand, full tank of gas and an empty bladder, loose me on humanity and set me free!  I am a fiend for the open road, Radio Girl has been sending me all those “we are having a good time you are not photo’s” back from down south, I am outta here.

Me and the duck, no poopy, we are out on the highway, mile after mile of tortured country music on the stereo westbound with the hammer down.

In the meantime, we will try our level best to post at least one item per day (not the usual two or three) and answer comments as we can.  As we are not traveling in a multi-million dollar motorhome Like Celine Dion or Cher, with a sat. dish on top, internet service will be sporadic at best and at times, non existent.

But where there is a will there is a way.

Please play fair amongst yourselves and try not to kill anyone while I am gone.

000

January 8, 2009

Reach Out And Bug Somebody!

Filed under: Recent — ldsrr91 @ 6:28 AM
Tags: , , , , , ,

Another week of “sent to you from my I phone” stuff, I still remain not all that impressed.  Perhaps I am missing something here, but for the life of me, I don’t know what it is.

America having stopped smoking is now having a love affair with the cellphone evidently. I once heard a story of a guy that loved his car so much that when he died, he was buried in it.

Now what is coming next, you are not going to be ready for at all.  I am hearing of all these “unlimited minutes” folks who want to be buried with their cellphones!  Incredible.  American funeral Director magazine reports a new trend and that is people being buried with their cellphones.

They even go so far as to report, “I have seen people leave their phones on and tell me they’re going to call home later.”  Not that anyone would answer, but they seem to want to have the connection.

Which is really stupid … Don’t these people know there is nowhere to plug in a battery charger even in the nicest coffin you can purchase?  Personally, I have instructed Cup Cake, to have me interned eight feet down, and she said, “Why?  It is supposed to be six feet.” And then I said …. “I want folks to know that deep down I was a nice guy!“

Death Never Takes A Holiday — Remember that.

People have this aversion to addressing the issue of death.  I always like to think of the young preacher that was going to his first funeral and he had a blowout on his car.  So he stopped and fixed the flat, and then considerably late for the funeral went on down the road.  He drove awhile and saw two men on a hill, shovels in hand, digging, so he stopped the car, went up the hill and said to them, “Don’t worry about a thing, I am late, but go right ahead and then he opened up his bible, and preached his sermon on the mound.”

After completing his sermon, the preacher looked at the two men and said, “Thanks, I am sorry I was late.” He then turned around and headed back down the hill.  One guy who was digging looked at the other guy and asked him, “Why didn’t you tell him this was for a septic tank?” and the other one replied, “Aw, I just didn’t have the heart.”

Asking For Heavenly Providence

More religious news?  Okay, glad you asked.  Praying for help, evangelical churches around the nation are reporting a surge in new members which is most likely a direct result of hard economic times.  Evidently when people are shaken to the core, it can open doors.

“Dear Lord, it is me again, with my gospel of hard times, my prayer of deliverance.  I need for you to show me the way to curb my need for routinely dealing in excesses and show me a pathway out of this consumerist culture that has ensnared my soul.  Please teach me how to love those that do not love me, and show me how to appreciate those folks who do not consider me a friend.  If you can not do that Lord, please break their ankles so that I might know them by their limping.  Please show me how to forgive George Dubya Bush. Amen.”

000


The Daily Weenie Report

Filed under: Oklahoma,politics,Recent — ldsrr91 @ 4:06 AM
Tags: , , , , , ,

Hey guys, you are doing great, if you have not looked at the counter lately, take a gander at the numbers, over 915,000 we are going to hit the goal of 1 million visitors this month, a full two months early. This is a lofty accomplishment we have done, can anyone point out a webpage that has exceeded a million hits in ten months, I doubt it.

This is why I say this is one of the fastest growing blogs on wordpress.com, because like it or not, it is.  Thanks for passing the address around troops, it has surely made a difference.

My wife says I ought to “sugar coat this every now and then” which would be fine, but it would also be lying.  Running fast and loose with the truth is not always successful and often will end up coming back to bite you in the end.

Excess is relative, and inveterate liars often find it hard to understand why others object to a bit of embroidery.  And in this view I sympathize a little, for what blogger would refuse to stretch a point here, fill a gap there, round a corner in the another place, if that were needed to make a true story better?

Which brings me to the point my wife of many years is constantly trying to make.  She always says to me “You take a little story, and then you make it much BIGGER.”

Which is not necessarily true, “What I do Is embellish in order to clarify” there is a distinct difference.

I am myself, in most things, as honest as I can conveniently be, and when I tell you a true story as I have already, and will do frequently in the future, I will do my level best to tell it as accurately as I can.  Now on the other hand, you have some who will kind of round it all off, stretch it a little bit favorably in their direction or just outright lie.

They are called elected officials “Democrats and Republicans” boys & girls.

Please remember when you visit this site, one of the fastest growing blogs on the WordPress.com forum and the home of the Oprah Winfrey Couch Jumper Hopeful, that he will do his level best to enhance the good life in America for the benefit of others.  Never try to take away from them.  And at the same time, he doesn’t have all the answers, most of the time, he has even forgotten the questions.

But our resolve is strong, our goals are real.

It is our profound hope that we can help you in any matter that is bothering you and that we can at the same time point out to you in this, a totally New Year, that you are the answer to the dilemmas in your life.  You are the answer to God’s expectations in your life.  You are the answer to that which is required of you in this plan.

Not Creative Endeavors … Not Mr. Obama … None of those count.

We, as a race of people, have no valid excuse to be a failure before God or men.  We have to start doing what we know is the right thing, and we need to adhere to the rules of life that we are supposed to know at this juncture in time.  It is time to stop waiting on others to get it together, we are the answer, it is our duty to tell those who do not understand, our problems, our concerns, fears and anxieties, the truth regardless if they want to hear it or not.

Like I have pointed out …

We are the answer, they work for us, from Mr. Obama all the way down.

Bush is gone, or soon to be, and we will not have him to kick around anymore.  If we keep doing what we have been doing, then it is fairly safe to assume, we are going to get more of what we didn’t want to have in the first place.

If you want to experience peace, tranquility, security in this New Year, then it is up to you to start doing things better.  Pick up a telephone or write a letter (95% of them have email now).

To know what is right and not to do it, is the worst cowardice.

000


January 7, 2009

Hump Day Fodder

Filed under: Oklahoma,Recent — ldsrr91 @ 6:06 PM
Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

baby1

Let’s get busy boys!

WASHINGTON – House and Senate leaders marked the first day of the 111th Congress by preaching bipartisanship Tuesday and promising to start work quickly on President-elect Barack Obama’s economic proposals and issues ranging from climate change to health care.

Oaths of office were administered, anti-war protesters staged demonstrations and lobbyists cruised through a series of receptions to celebrate the day. More than a few new members said they were eager to get started.

Cheney administered the oath of office to several people and swore in Joe Biden.  Let us hope that he doesn’t turn old Joe into a Cat’s-paw like he did with Bush.

Oxymoron — National Intelligence.

Mr. Obama has picked the leaders of his intelligence team, taping former White House chief of staff Leon Panetta as CIA Director, and retired admiral Dennis Blair as head of National Intelligence.  Which is what we didn’t seem to have a lot of under this last regime of bozo’s.

During the 9-11 crisis I understand that Bush sent Connie to Ireland to pick up some sensitive information from an agent named Murphy.  Her instructions were to walk around the town using a code phrase until she met this fellow agent.  She found herself on a desolate country road and finally ran into an Irish farmer.

“Hello” she said, “I am looking for a man named Murphy.”

“Well you are in luck little lady” the farmer replied, “As it happens there’s a village right over the hill where the butcher is named Murphy, the baker is named Murphy, and three widows are named Murphy, matter of fact, my name is Murphy.”

Aha, Connie thought to herself, here’s my man.  So she whispered the secret code to the farmer:  “The sun is shining — the grass is growing — the cows are ready for milking.“

“Oh” said the farmer, “you are looking for Murphy the spy — he’s in the village over in the other direction.“

Sin Tax — I told you Atlanta was a fun place

Atlanta – A legislator favors imposing a fee on strip club patrons. State Sen. Jack Murphy of Cumming said he’d like to see Georgia charge between $3 and $5 per person. The Republican said the money could go to child abuse programs and services for young people caught up in child prostitution or other sexual exploitation.

Taxing a lap dance, man, that is rich.  Wonder how much they will collect for a … oh never mind.

Now as an illustration of how impossibly wrong ALL OF THIS IS and how fast it can get out of control, the “Porn Industry” is asking for $5 billion in aid from the government.  Do you realize how stupid we must appear to be to the rest of the “sane people” inhabiting this planet.  You can read all about it here.

Letting it all hang out

VAIL, Colo.  - A guy who dangled upside down from a ski lift with his bare bottom exposed probably doesn’t want to hear any “ski bum” jokes.  Officials at Vail Resorts in Colorado say the 48-year-old man was trying to get on the Blue Ski basin lift on New Year’s Day. They haven’t said what went wrong, but he got hung up, and his pants came down.  Workers stopped the lift, backed it up 10 or 12 feet and rescued the man after about seven minutes. His name hasn’t been released.

Bystanders snapped photos and posted them on the Internet, showing a man who looks to be hanging by one ski boot, his ski pants and underwear apparently snagged in the chair and reaching no farther than his knees.  Now the resort wants to fire the employee who took the pictures on his day off and posted them to the net, claiming it was not in good taste.

Not the sharpest knife in the drawer

ST. PAUL, Minn — A scorned 21-year-old told her ex-boyfriend that he couldn’t prove she was the one who vandalized his apartment on three occasions – but then, police said, she posted a picture of the damage on MySpace. The woman was charged with two felonies for the vandalism.

According to a criminal complaint she doused the inside of his house with paint – splashing it on the walls, toilet, washing machine, computer and other furniture. She also allegedly filled the house with trash, impaled a teddy bear on a pole with a knife through its head, and caused other damage. The woman was still on the lam Tuesday.  Yeah, it sounds like she was set-up to me … Not!

Thinning of the herd

A German billionaire caught up in the world Banking/Wall Street Mess, has evidently stepped in front of a train thus ending his life and stopping his failed business empire that was sinking rapidly.  He is now the third known suicide worldwide to be caught up in this mess.  His death was listed as a railway accident, if he had jumped out of a window for instance, that would have been massive deceleration.

It’s official now – You are screwed.

Earlier in the week we reported that the fund for the television converters was going under, the government officially announced that it is now tapped out.  $1.34 billion in money ran out on Sunday, and now anyone who wants a converter box coupon will be placed on a waiting list.

Amazing, when you want it from them, you are on a list, when they want it, they just waltz in there and take it.

Now for the good news, only 103,000 people are on the list ahead of you.  18 million coupons have already been redeemed and now you will just have to wonder about it all.  Why women on TV always have skimpy low-cut blouses, are trim neat, appear fantastic, are always on top when they have sex with the guy next door.  And of course, “will I ever get a box and be able to watch television again?” $40-$70 for a box and no luck, trillions to a banker and you know the rest dont’cha?

Dancin’ with Jose — Cha-Cha-cha.

With dropout rates soaring among Hispanic students, mariachi music programs, long popular in parts of Texas and California, are spreading to schools across the country to help keep the nations largest and fastest-growing ethnic group academically engaged.  We can’t teach them English, nor civics, or manners but we are going to teach them all to dance?

The Best for Last — Laura Bush to publish a memoir

First Lady Laura Bush has just signed with Scribner Books to write her memoir.  A 2010 release date is expected, no word on how much she is being paid.  I would more than likely venture that her book will be vastly better than Sarah Palin’s or Joe the Plumber.  I can just see it there in my minds eye —

“Chapter Two, it is late at night, the White House is eerily quiet, I look at George asleep in the bed, his head is on the pillow, he looks so at peace with the world.  The fruit jar full of gasoline is in my left hand, and the BIC lighter in my right, I tell myself over and over … trying to convince myself … It is for the good of the country, it is for the good of the country.”

I can’t wait.

000

January 6, 2009

It’s On The Tip Of My Tongue

Filed under: Oklahoma,politics,Recent — ldsrr91 @ 5:58 PM
Tags: , ,

bush_phone_upsidedown

I like Brooks & Dunn, country and western singers, they have a song on one of my CD’s and it is entitled, “Your Gonna Miss Me.” And I suppose it would be fair to say a lot of people are going to miss Shorty, when he and Laura check out and head back to Texas.  (It is fairly apparent that I will not be one of them)

I am however tiring of ABC and Charles Gibson and these homely little good-bye interviews.  This garbled crap about a “Farewell Tour” and all the other media hype.  I would rather switch over to Rosie O’Donnell’s website and watch her sit on the couch and clip her toe-nails than watch one more folksy interview of Dubya Bush.

“You are simply amazing, how do you stay on top of everything like you do Mr. President?”

“With my busy schedule and all those events, uh,uh, renaming tracts of land for the oil companies, protecting the coal companies from frivolous lawsuits, giving away large chunks of our National Forests to Plum Creek, and granting mining rights on our minerals to the Canadians, I stay busy.  I did single handily bring Wall Street to their knees earlier this year, and no one is taking steroids in baseball anymore, we are safe there.  Personally I am a Dallas Cowboys fan, I just love those tights.”

“What do you see yourself doing when you leave the White House Mr. President.”

“Laura and I have discussed that at great length, and y’know there are certain restrictions about the operation of chain saws in a residential area.  We have been mulling over part-time divorce counselor, string digital cable installer, protecting most of the free world from too much BS and starting a library on the grounds of great learning institution that will be staffed not by scholars, but governmental butt kissers, or as some call them, intellectuals.  We will uh, also try to move a basketball franchise into the area, providing that they can pass a steroid screening process, we are currently looking for someone to promote it for us, someone big, say like, Michael Jackson.”

“What do you use to keep yourself so organized Mr. President?”

“I don’t have a Palm Pilot, I would like to try one, but I am afraid I might go blind.  I am somewhat addicted to my cellphone, but strangely, it has gotten very quiet and no one is calling anymore.  We need to check on that Laura.  I have a laptop computer, but I use it exclusively for email and online gaming, Grand Theft Auto is my favorite.  I don’t write anything down.  Everything is in my head, it drives people crazy.  I know I am “supposed to use it” but everything seems to fit so well between my ears, so that is where I store all the information in the free world, those things important to Ameri-kuh.  Most of it is not all that factual to begin with, government stuff, shock n awe, Gitmo, so if you need to embellish it a little in order to clarify, well that is okay too.”

“Doesn’t this present problems Mr. President?”

“No, not really.  When I got into the house of representatives, the senate, a George Town Bar, the occasional random Carls’ Hamburger Joint, I just recreate in my mind everything — the size, the color the shape of the doors — everything.  What I do is close my eyes and walk through the entire event.  I say “We’re going to use a bowl of roses and we’re going to use a bronze bowl.  There is NO way that anyone will NOT like this.  It is such a hoot.  I learned it from Karl and Rumms-dummie, if you cannot dazzle them with brilliance, then baffle them with bull, old Texas trick.  Most people you can drag down with facts in about three days, isn’t that right Laura?  “Huh?  Hmmmmm whuts zat honey?  Must have dozed off.  Anyway Charles, all you have do is hang in there for say, four uh, or six, maybe uh, eight years and you will reach a point where 44% of the statistics are made up about 99.4% of the time.”

“Mr. President, do I understand correctly that you write down NOTHING?”

“Oh, I have one of those little day timers that was given to me when I first started out in the oil business on our first bankruptcy I think it was.  My daddy gave it to me with the start up money which we blew right away, it is hot in the oil fields of Texas in the summer time, a fella can git awfully dry out there in the Panhandle of Texas.  My day timer is a small one, kind of fits in my pocket, it is called “The Economist Wallet Diary” that one thar is a hoot, wouldn’t you agree Charles?  One time we went to Hawaii about six or seven years ago, I was in Maui, and I knew I just left it by the phone.  I was so uptight on the plane, to make a long story short, Laura and I flew back there that very minute and there it was.  That is how desperate I was for my day timer.”

“You flew all the way back to Maui to retrieve this one item Mr. President?”

“Oh yes, you can do these tings when you are on a full expense paid, first class junket, and you are not paying the tab.  The one other time I lost it was at the Orlando Flea Market down there close to that other place that got blown away in a hurricane or a tornado a few years back, I forget the name.  Anyway I called a psychic who was really good and she saw it on a ledge on a building.  Within an hour, a guy from the secret service came and he too saw it on the ledge at the post office laying there as she described it to me.  I cannot live without it, I keep my hate mail list of all the people in Dallas, all of my hopes and dreams, my many plans and schemes, all of it , is in there.”

“Do you have any regrets about leaving the public arena Mr. President.”

“Wall, uh yeah, I uh,  I am a BIG fan of government, I believe we cannot possibly have enuff government in this wonderful country, even though me and Cheney didn’t use much of it ourselves, it is good enuff for the people, then it is good enough for me.  I may write a book about it, but I am gonna buy me one of them thar spelling checker things first.  I mean, fifty percent of the world knows how to spell, homeless people are lucky cause they git to camp out each night and the other sixty-two percent are hicks who cannot read anyway.  Me and the wife are contemplating going to Europe so that we can study the great museums and see where all those forefathers came from  Y’know those guys that came over on the three ships, The Pinto, The Cordova and The Coupe De Ville.”

“So you plan on doing some traveling after leaving office Mr. President?”

“Uh yeah, we were thinking about going to visit some friends we have in the San Francisco Bay Area of California.  I like the Bay Area, I practically grew up in Phoenix.”

One last thing Mr. President, “Do you have any specific goals in the coming New Year?”

“Wall, yeah, I uh, we are just going to sit back and take it easy Charles.  Fortunately all of our money was being held in trust for us, so those lousy dirty-egg-sucking dawgs in the banking industry could not get their hands on ours, we is in pretty good shape.   On the other hand Charles, you will find five more fingers.  Are you going to want this used swizzle stick, I am keeping the cherry.”

“One last question Mr. President, as I am sure you are aware of the current chaotic conditions in the Middle East and the eruption of hostilities in the Gaza Strip and Israel.  In your opinion what would it take to have World Peace.”

“Wall, uh yeah, I uh know this one, it is right here, on the tip of my tongue, I know this one ……..”

Yeah, I am really going to miss this guy.

000

bumper-sticker


January 3, 2009

Big Biz

Filed under: humor,Oklahoma,Recent — ldsrr91 @ 3:43 AM
Tags: , , ,

bush-legacy

War is good business, invest your kid.

The United States sold $32 billion in weapons on the world market last year, making it the number one producer of arms in the world.  Here is another thing that is interesting.  More than twenty five customers of U.S. Arms sales are NOT democratic developing countries and are known to be “human rights abusers.” Kind of blows a hole in the “We are going around the world supporting democracy and fighting terrorism wherever we find it” theory from the boys in DC doesn’t it?

Trickle Down Economy Outside Waco, Texas — How does it feel?

This week, George W. Bush spent what are expected to be his final days at his ranch in Crawford, Texas as president. Bush is on his 77th trip to the ranch, and according to one CBS reporter, he has spent nearly 500 days in Crawford during his presidency. Bush’s presence there over the last eight years had boosted the small Texas town’s tourism industry. But as one of the most unpopular presidents in modern history leaves office, the local souvenir shops “are starting to deeply discount” their Bush-related products:

Already a couple of souvenir shops in Crawford have closed as the Bush boom started to peter out over the past year and as the nation turned its attention on the new race for the White House. For the two remaining shops, things have slowed to a trickle.

There’s up to 30 per cent off prices at the Yellow Rose, a cavernous place on the corner of the main intersection in town. Mugs, T-shirts and beer coolers badged with a presidential seal and the words “western White House” are flanked by life-sized cardboard cutouts of the President.  Bush and his wife Laura will be moving to Dallas after he leaves office. There goes the neighborhood!

Cyber Sex

Men looking for romance now must contend with a new rival.  The Internet and Technology.  A new survey just out this week, reports that 46% of women say they would rather go without sex for two weeks than go that long without Internet Access.  Only 30% of the men would make the same trade-off.  Gives a totally new meaning to the word “Hard Drive” doesn’t it?  (Yeah, I know, pretty bad)

Buy Yo personal Obama’s, they is going fast!

Did any of you find a Mr. Obama under the tree Christmas Day?  Sales of Obama items are off the charts in the Washington DC area including T-shirts, action figures, dolls, coffee mugs, and a jack-in-the-box that springs out with a big Obama Smile.  And you people rag me about how classless “Baracks House” parody is.  Now I guess it would be safe to assume that you are emailing all of these tasteless toy and memorabilia item producers and giving them a hard time, right?  I-dont-think-so-dot.com

Passive Aggressive

A Florida family said their toddler’s talking Elmo doll had an abrupt personality change and started threatening to kill him.  The mother said that the cuddly Sesame Street Character used to sing songs and talked about colors, to the delight of her two year old child James.

After its batteries died and were replaced, however, the doll would only say “Kill James” in a sinister cadence.  Which is definitely something that you would never think would come out of a toy said the mother.  It must be the Market Share Elmo — The Wall Street Version.

And Finally … Check Please — Bank bailout is faltering.

The billions of federal dollars funneled to the nations’ banks aren’t trickling down to the business and consumers as promised.  There is little evidence of what effect these billions of dollars are having on us.  This week I did have a new wrinkle in my banking experience, because of a rash in bank robberies, they apparently want male patrons to not cover their heads while inside the bank.

Tuesday, I walked into the main lobby of my bank wearing a ball cap and a security guard told me to remove it (key word here is “told me to” he did not politely ask me to) and I said, “What for?”  Then he tells me why (their opinion of who, what, where and why) and I refused.

Then he insisted and I of course, resisted, and offered him the option of “arresting me or going away” so much for Barney, The Bank Guard and my day at Overdraft Central. (It was almost as intense as being ejected from the Public Library last April over the issue of cellphone use in a public place.  Might be a story in there somewhere, I dunno?)

Banking people are not a long ways up the food chain in my world any more.

I should have stayed home, picked up my cellphone that has a ring-tone that sounds like a frog on crack, and called the “customer representative of my bank” who is named Abraham Lincoln, who lives in Bombay, India to find out about the new checks.

Back in the olden times, I used to do this at my local branch, but it was transferred to the other end of the state and then I understand that it merged with a sock manufacturer in Peru, after receiving the free bailout money from the Bush Administration.  It is not easy banking in Ameri-kuh anymore George, thanks.

As Dr. Phil is fond of saying …. What was I thinking?

000

“The cartoon courtesy of Center for American Progress” (online), Bush material gleaned from Think Progress.com


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